I am a woman married for 23 years and for most of those years, sex has been nearly non existent. I am married to a man with a very low sex drive and knew this when we married. Ah, but like other rather intelligent people, I was under the misguided notion that we can change others...! But after years of trying and years of him refusing to really talk about it, go to counseling, seek some advice or help...I am resigned that it will be as it is...a sort of sibling like relationship. What is really sad and frustrating is that it has inevitably impacted our marriage and created voids. I stay mostly for the kids, ages ten and seventeen. When they are raised and gone, then I will consider leaving. I would like to hear from other women who might be in a similar situation. I know the stereotype is the guy in the marriage who is complaining because the woman is not interested. But I know there are others like me...it is just not the "popular" thing to talk about... So if you are in a sexless marriage...how do you cope...how do you handle it...have you taken a lover...have you/did you divorce...or?
Unfortunately there are some guys like that. Me for one! A good reason for me to stay single. Personally I couldn't even go out with someone because sex is obviously going to be an issue at some point and thats where my problem is.
I guess it really depends on how much the lack of sex has effected your marriage. If it has so in a way that you're not setting a positive example for your children about what a loving relationship is supposed to be like, then I think divorce is the right decision for you, for him and your children. A hard and painful one, but the right one.
My heart goes out to you. It's difficult to stay in a relationship when you know you're just waiting to leave. Even if he won't do councilling doesn't mean you shouldn't though. For the sake of your kids, you're trapping you're in a relationship that you don't want (and he won't fix ) for 8-10 more years. That's a big deal and alot of time and a bit of proffessional help would probably aid you to get through it or find other newer options and avenues for turning around what you got. Marriage councillors don't require that both spouses go. Obviously it would be better if both did, but work with what you can. Best of luck to you.
I'd say if you've already tried to talk to him about it,asked to go to counseling,tried to make yourself physically more attractive to him,then you've given him every opportunity to have sex with you & if he still isn't,then maybe you do have a right to cheat.
uh... as someone who was on the other side of the deal, ie. being responsible for the sexlessness in the marriage... Is he gay? Yeah I realize there are truly some people who are asexual and he could be one. but honestly, I find it far more likely that he's gay even if he hasn't confronted it in himself yet. Have you ever asked him if it's ok with him if you find your sex somewhere else since he's not interested? If it's ok, and you can find a partner who will be discreet and accepting, it may just save your marriage, not to mention your sanity.
You are lucky, because you have a choice. My wife became very ill nearly 20 years ago and sexual activity became impossible. For me an affair is not an option I want to take after nearly 40 years of marriage. I just live with it, and find other things like hobbies to keep me busy, as well of course as the kids and grandkids. In your case you knew, you chose, so you have to live with it. Ours was forced upon us by serious illness. If you have a problem with it, get away from it...for good.
I find it hard to believe a man would not get aroused if he saw his wife in bed with a dildo in her vagina and a vibrator on her clit. I would try that. It's not so hard to stimulate yourself to orgasm, although I know it's not the same. If he won't take care of business, there are results that follow naturally, which may of course end in divorce. The problem with getting sex on the side will be the emotional attachment to your lover. If he is stimulating you, and your husband is not, you will still want to leave your husband and move into the love shack with your lover. I would look at testosterone supplements for your husband. If his sex drive is low, chances are good his testosterone is low. Unless of course he is gay and enjoying all sorts of anal whores on the side that you don't know about. I really love my wife, maybe in part because she enjoys intimacy with me, but I have to wonder if that was to end would I actually divorce her? Maybe, maybe not. I know that even as a middle aged woman you should still be able to find a partner and enjoy sex. You could be a cougar! Sorry that you have missed out on so much in your life, sex is a thing of great beauty between lovers.
Would help if you told the truth No you didnt, you still dont really know if thats the case now No, its not about changing him, you want him to do what you want Thats the part thats his fault, how did you handle the part thats your fault? Another lie. They still would have been there, you would have got full or part custody, just would have been a lot harder to raise them that way. You stayed for you So once the kids flee the coop, marriage over?....so it was really about sex all along My question is always.....why?.....why even bother pretending all the housework, laundry...having to put up with the in-laws....all the constant talking...conversations about boring stuff....having to put up with his dickhead friends....all the stupid childish fights...playing it safe in the first place with a guy that was easy to whip that you werent really attracted to....pretend its love when you are really too scared to change things. Why even bother trying to pretend all that super interesting stuff is better than the odd night with a super hot guy, the kind that can make you cum just running his fingers through your hair, and goes on to ram you all night in a 2nd 6 hour long orgasm. Why? No one else is going to believe you
There's a movie called "Fireproof" that shows that everything that goes wrong in a marriage is the man's fault. The first time I saw this I thought it was terribly one sided, but the more I observe in the world, the more truth I see in it. If a good man does his part in the marriage, the woman will respond with love. Here we have a good example of that. The man won't fuck his wife. He has no excuse for this. There is a reason why he doesn't want to, and he won't figure it out and fix it, so it's his fault. How can a woman feel loved if her husband does not want to have sex with her? What is the logical result of that?
Sorry to hear about your troubles. There is a book that comes to mind and it may help you and your husband out. Its titled "Sex At Dawn". It paints an interesting and thought provoking perspective of human sexuality that may help out. Having suggested the book, have you thought about opening up the sexual part of your relationship up to others? It seems that a trend is that love will deepen in a long commitment, yet sex is typically the first thing to be excluded. With men this has a lot to do with testosterone levels and a shift in the mentality of the relationship. Gotta mix things up and a new partner(s) can do just that. Best of luck! Mobile
If it's something you can't live with, then you need to tell him such. Make it clear that you cant take it any more and that if you two can't come to an accord you will find what you need some where else. But you need to be honest. Just because he won't consider it, doesn't give you a right to break your vows. At least once you've put it out there he'll know exactly what your thinking and exactly what you will do about it (divorce). Once you've done that, then hell yes by all means go get some if he still won't consider your needs or feelings.
If he's gay, I guess anal whores are his only choice. Kinda makes me wonder if backdoorman is posting from prison. Lots of anal whores around, and it would explain why his responses are always limited to the 10 minutes he gets for his turn on the cell computer.
Find a lover before its too late. Sex is beautiful. There is no reason why you should miss out on that. Either your husband is gay or has some serious issue that he refuses to seek counseling for....either way, he married you and won't do anything to resolve it so he is entirely at fault here. Find a lover, tell your husband, and don't feel the slightest bit guilty.
Well there was the post where someone was bitching that they never had anal sex in their 15 year marriage and his response was, "Manslaughter will get you 20 years." Stay Brown, Rev J
The entirety of the story I am going to tell you has taken place over the last 13 years or so that my husband and I have been together. We had an active, monogamous sex life for about 8 years. After that time, we made the choice to open our marriage to embrace and explore our beliefs in polyamory. We each had one additional polyamorous relationship during the course of the next several years. My husband's polyamorous relationship ended before mine did and as pure coincidence he is no longer sexually active whatsoever due to health problems. I have since chosen to end my other relationship due to some family issues that I felt my lover needed to address as his priority. So, while I am in a sexless marriage due to my husband's health issues, because of the lifestyle choice decisions we had previously made, I am free to have another relationship if I choose to. It works for us.
I just want to offer ya cyber hugs. But in all honesty I think you already know what you want to do deep down, take that step and do it!!!
