Sharing love -- acceptable or not?

I am in love with a crazy beatnik hippie poet who loves me in return ... we are pretty close (at least, closer than I've ever been with anyone else).

But in recent talks he has said he "cannot love" me or anyone else -- and that we can be friends rather than lovers, because he keeps the former but not the latter!

Now, we have had plenty of wonderful friendship sex (no commitment expected or wanted, etc) -- but now that we know we share such strong emotions, he thinks it would be a bad idea for us to sleep together anymore. He gave an explanation that involved not wanting to hurt me ... cited the fact that our first time (two months ago this full moon) seemed to shock me. (Which is true -- it DID shock me -- but in a good way, because I had never slept with someone who reciprocated my emotion!)

[And by the way, I have tried to tell him that I don't want anything out of him but the permission to care ... and yeah, to share my passion with someone other than a random person ... but I am not sure he quite understands.]

So what should I think of this?
* Is it okay to share emotions with someone who shares my bed, or is sex something to share only with arbitrary strangers?
* Am I justified in feeling slightly sad that he wants to fuck lots of girls he doesn't care about, but not me?
* Is he copping out in a way?
* Should I just let it go?
* Or should I let it pass until it's a proper time to prove that I can have attachment-free good times with someone that I also happen to care about?

Sorry if this seems like a stupid or "un-hippie-like" question ... I have been a free-lover for some time and hope to be one for a long time to come, but this whole "reciprocated emotion" thing sometimes puzzles me!

Peace, and thanks for whatever help you want to offer!

- K

 

umm... i think you really can figure this one out for yourself, but... i think he is just unsure if he wants to cross the boundary of 'fuck buddy' to lover, really. he might really believe in free love as well. maybe you are jealous? i don't really have much experience in this area, as this is quite a complicated dilemma that i myself have not experienced...

 

Jealousy? Hahaha, no. Not me. As long as I get a ride on the merry-go-round, I don't care who else is in line ... love or not, I don't want anything more than just a friend who lets me share my emotions.

I think maybe I am just confused ... this has happened to me twice now, with two different people in two different situations on two different occasions -- we discover we have strong feelings for each other, and then despite lack of pressure for "more", everything just crumbles to the ground. So that is why I was wondering if it was because really, we are not SUPPOSED to love the people we fuck ... if simply having the feelings is wrong.

Sorry if this is coming out jumbled ... it is so hard to explain a situation to someone who is not in it!

 

sounds like hes just trying to keep you at arms length and wanking on some hippy mumbo jumbo crap to you so that he feels justified and you dont think hes a bad guy, which is shit if you ask me. I think hes yhaving you on and you nmeed to let him know thatyou are not the kind of person who can separate the two, or even if you can, that you dont want to.

he's just all take take take and no give if you ask me. Truly up his own arse and self justifying to the endth degree. Loose him before he crushes your spirit

 

sorry, that just sounds really twisted. i could never 'free love,' its like treating people like simple objects of your affection. it does not suprise me you are feeling unsure about something.

 

Agree
For me, love is precious and I can not share my bf with anyone. Only when I think he could be with some strange girl is killing me!

 

I cannot begin to know what may be happening in your situation, however in hindsight I can see some validity in not crossing the friend/couple boundary.

I have had two intimate relationships with "friends". One friend I had known for about 5 years and we became sexually, but not emotionally involved with one another. We maintained the sexual part of our relationship for two years and eventually the spark kinda fizzled out. We still remain great friends to this day. She recently got married and I was actually invited by her husband, who knew of our history, to be in the wedding.

The second relationship was with a friend I had known for nearly 12 years. We met as children and stayed fairly close our whole lives. We became sexually involved at first and after quite a long time became emotionally involved which met with disastrous results. I haven't spoken to her in three years. It saddens me because I truly miss my friend and I believe that if we left things as they were and let the sexual spark fizzle before forcing our hearts into the mix we would still be in touch today. Sure it would be different, but she and I would never have been "ex's".


Both relationships were monogamous, basically meaning during both relationships we didn't happen to have sex with anyone else during the times we were together. It just happened that way. It was never a condition.

If your friend wants other partners and that is agreeable to you then I say go for it, but it sounds to me like your heart may be in this already. If it's not I at least perceive that you desire some sort of sexual exclusivity where he does not. If the latter is indeed the case, my opinion is that if you pursue this relationship it will all end in tears, and they will probably be yours.





Peace, Love, and Strawberry Nestle Quik




-Lemm

 

y'all are a bunch of manhaters.

 

1. Manhaters ... that is absurd. Just plain absurd. Sorry.

2. Exclusiveness is not the issue ... I don't care who my friend beds, I simply wonder why he no longer wants me to be on that list.

3. I think I understand what Lemmey meant, but as a disclaimer -- nothing in this particular situation was "forced." In fact, neither of us ever wanted to love each other ... ever. It just *happened.

I am only asking what people think about 1. fucking people they love (good idea, or should we stick to strangers and casual acquaintences?), and 2. whether or not my friend is jerking me around under the guise of "free love."

Really, I am not a trap, or a silly girl who wants to chain anyone to me -- I just want to know if I have done something wrong ... and moreover if everything I believe about relationships is wrong ...

Thank you so much for the feedback thus far. Keep it going!

 

1. ONLY make love to someone you love and who you want to love you in return. Fuck anyone, that's different. But making love is where it's at.

2. Yes, he's jerking you around, and any other women he may or may not be screwing (most men brag about things they only dream about, very few actually have all the partners they claim to screw). He's got some serious intimacy issues he needs to work out. There's nothing you can do to help him, he has to want to heal his twisted and broken heart himself. What you can do, is figure out why you are okay with being treated so poorly. Heal yourself first, then someday you will be able to have a healthy relationship with a person who will not mistreat or abuse you, but who will treat you with the kindness and respect that you deserve!!

 

i cannot grasp the notion of love without making love.you understand the type of love i'm talking about.

"free love" and casual sex are nice,but not natural/right at all,and that'll show in the end.

i think he just charmed you with the beatnik poetry and free love and all that crap so he can bed you and now,after he's done,he wants to get rid of you.
i don't know the details,thus i might be wrong,but that's the image i get at the moment.

 

That's the image everyone has ... I have entertained it myself.

The only flaw is that I am not easily charmed ... I have known plenty of pretty boys who spout pretty words, and none of them have ever affected me.

So yeah, I'm probably being used ... but not necessarily because I was gullible. I went into the situation with my eyes wide wide open ... so the blame I suppose is mine.

And thank you, satirul ... I feel less like a slut for wanting to sleep with someone I love, and less like a prude for thinking that (as much fun as it can be at the moment) casual sex is hollow in the end.

 

you're welcome darling