I wrote this piece recently, but I'm not quite sure if I like it. Please post your opinions! The other side I traveled Has lost its’ opulence. Its beauty has unraveled Now that I’ve crossed the fence. I locked the gate behind me, I threw away the key. My conscience couldn’t find me. I thought I would be free. Euphoria propelled me It masked me from the grey. Ignorance compelled me To build a life and stay. As days and weeks combined Into larger months and years, I slowly came to find, That pastures disappear. So now I am surrounded, By pale and wilting leaves. Now I’m not confounded By what makes rich men grieve.
It's pretty good and I like what you're saying; but reads rather stilted, with the way you seem to come to a full stop at the end most of the lines; it kind of breaks the poem up too much. and "locking the gate and throwing away the key" is a bad cliche. I hate to sound so critical, but I wanted to be honest. I think there is a real jewel here but the structure obscures it. At least for me.
Yeah, I know what you mean, I think I had a good idea but it just didn't materialize as well as it should have. Oh well, it isn't the end of the world.
I rather like that. It comes across well. I agree with TrippinBTM on the gate/key thing, but I hadn't noticed that until it was pointed out. Nice work. Peace, Bunbury.
