I'm stupid for posting this

Well, I thought I might as well post this up, even though it's...well, you'll see, if you can be bothered reading the whole thing. When I wrote this, it had been a hell of a day and I'd been crying for what seemed like hours, so my hands kept shaking involuntarily and typing the wrong thing, and my head was kinda messed up. Anyway, enjoy, comment if you want, I can take harsh criticism...
And if there's anything that doesn't make sense (if, who am i fooling? none of it does...) point it out

It doesn't have a title.

Im cold but probably I wont get a jumper for about 15 minutes. My hands are heavy an my head is light. I can see the errors glaring at me red and green but to correct them would be to kill them. I am no murderer. School is gnawing at my mind like a bitch rodent maggot fag shithead. I wonder when my mother will be home. If she dies it will be my fault. If she comes home and her and my sister have a fight is is my fault. If she doesn’t come home and my sister is annoyed for me leaving her it is my fault. It is my fault for leaving her without saying anything. I assume she was drunk. I don’t know though, an understatement. It is my fault I died for 15 minutes before and went to the store and bought chocolate and ate it and told a lie and showed my face red eyed. I just heard someone sneeze. They scaredd me I thought there was somebody nearby. There is. The neighbour who is angry at us and my muther for being messy and loud and drunk and stupid and staying put in this nice neghbourhood. I hate this house. When I am in the bathroom brushin my teeth the grime in the sink makes me want to throw up so I look at the wall. Thjere is mold growing on the wall it gets bigger every day. The ceiling has damp spots. So I look down at my shoes. They have dog hair and juice spills. I give looking for a clean spot up and keep brushing, looking at all the yucky things that make me sick.



I am sick and stupid. I always feel heavy im awkward and indecisive but I can say things that people think are smart. Some people tell me I am talented but I think they don’t know what they are talking about. I wonder who will read this. NOBODY. Nbody really cares. I am sick of thinking but I know nobody can stop. Anyone who disagrees can shut up, just like I am telling my mind to do. I feel sick from the rum n raisin chocolate. I must learn to type quickly. I need to rerad something horrible to feel better. A ruined life story about a girl who is illegitimate and alone and has bAd affairs and dabbled in drugs but is too scared and guilty to try suicide. When she gets the guts she will try and maybe succeedd. Like how I would like to be if my life was more interesting. If I had more freedom I would use it to ruin myself. It would be fun. This is not fun because ui cannot finish things. I would try if there wass no waiting. Plus I am scared that there is nothing after this life and I am scared that there is something. I f there was something I might be punished or rewardd and I just couldnt stand that.



Maybe I will send this to my friend vias mail of the e. e mail . computer mail. And maybe she will send a short one back saying wtf or something sweet like that. Now I am amusing myself. Yes I might send it and see what happens. God my arms are cold and a bit numb. I liked the rain yesterday and wish it hadn’t stopped. My brain will slow down as long as I don’t learn anything at school. I will go back tomorrow just to keep my options open and then I will say yes ive been on holiday the past three weeks at home with my muther and we have been going to the bank and going shopping because you need to do that to eat. Today in the bank she said loudly these are tax payers dollars mai you have to count them csarefully. Just before I went home. Its rteally not practical being to school and smiling at people and baing funny and listening when nthey tell you they missed you. Did they miss me cos they wont shut up about it. Htey didn’t miss mme because I didn’t miss them. They aren’t people theyre a part of the school theyre like the lockers but they can walk\\



Im cold now very mush so maybe a jumper. The same jumper I wore yeaterdY andD FOR THE PAST COUPLE F MAYBE days. Ill wear it agaim. Tis a nice jumper bit like ewaring an old tin of baked beans. I imagine baths of milk stink. Why smell like dairy? I like this poem by this man I think it was in the fourties when everybody was warring against Hitler. Why did the computer put a capital h for Hitler when I didn’t want it to. I can hear my dog snoring. The other day I was in a jam of a pickle of a preserve when I casually mentioned the dogs where kept insede as well as outside of the house. The girl was A bit put off as she thought dogs were haraam. I agreed ad said ill go put them down oops I mean outside. I like them though, they look at me funny when im crying. Like what are you doing lady. Like dogs don’t know what yure doing . I was watching oprah she had big big hair and looked awful fat next to tom cruise and then I was reading he was gonna eat a placenta or something., I mean that’s fine but why not just go to a mc donalds store.

 

It's atmospheric, but you've made it repetitive (perhaps a good thing to highlight the stress). If you've done that intentionally to follow in the path of Kafka, Beckett, and Eunescu then "well done". If you haven't then look up some of their books. They're easy to get hold of down at any library.

In the last chapter you injected too much humor, pineapple. If I understood the message correctly, you're showing that you also have to look at the funny side of life, in order to cope with stress. There's nothing wrong with that. It's actually quite a good outlook, but the way you squeezed it all into one small paragraph at the end tends to debase the atmosphere you created previously.

I would suggest to keep a bit of humour at the beginning of the final paragraph, (that section with Oprah, for example, which is absurd and funny, just like life), and then end your prose in a neutral, or philosophical note, so that your reader will retain the impact of the atmosphere you created in the bulk of your story.

This probably sounds like nagging, but I actually read through all of your work and liked it. The grammar, spelling, etc. didn't bother me one bit. It adds realism to your emotion, which is only marred a bit by the last paragraph which feels as if it belongs to a separate story, or as if it was added at a later date.

 

Repetition Loses readers. They get bored easily.
An Author MUST remember ONE rule.
KEEP the Readers attention. That is all that matters.
You lost ME in the 3rd sentance.

 

Well, thanks everyone... Let me just explain a bit more than I have. The character is whiny and pathetic, unmotivated and unwilling. The spelling and grammar are terrible but that is intentional. I guess the whole point was a fragmented insight into this wierdo's life...

 

It's not a bad thing to write down spontaneously, you never know what you might find by exploring your feelings. It's a bit like finding gold. First you find the nugget and then you craft the valuable metal from the stone. The point is to try and smooth your writing out a bit to make it more inviting for other people to read. If you edit it a bit, and take the advice given by everyone above, you'll communicate your ideas more effectively. Don't lose heart, pineapple. You invited critique and that is a brave step. Keep reading and writing. If you truly love writing your work will get better and better. I don't want to sound condescending, but it's always a good idea to master grammar first, before experimenting with it. The biggest critic of your work should always be yourself. Take your time, and read it a few times to yourself. I always read my work two or three times and still find things to change.

 

Great stream-of-consciousness, would check the spelling but if you are trying to imply that the character is stressed and is therefore not writing in coherent, polished sentences, or with perfect spelling then it ads to the atmosphere. There is a lot of repetition, which lends to my comment about it being stream-of-consciousness, as though these thoughts would go round like a litiny in the character's head, is that what you wanted to acheive? I didn't really see thelast paragraph as humour, just rambling disjointed thoughts; I didn't graspe that that was suppose to be humourous, if it was?

Keep up the writing. What are you looking at writing, as in what style?

 

Without meaning to sound rude, Gypsy-girl, but your grammar and spelling is even worse. Pineapple has already mentioned that she wasn't in the best of mind when she wrote her composition. What's your excuse?

 

Yes, you're probably right. You're stupid and I can't be bothered to read that.

 

Firstly, thanks to anyone who had something positive to say, and those who didn't as well. Posting this was a spur of the moment thing, I wasn't really intending to make it public when I wrote it-I just suddenly decided I was sick of writing things nobody ever read. This wasn't written for any particular audience. When I re-read my "work", I find so many problems that I often end up discouraging myself rather than improving, so I tend to write things and then lose interest in them. The spelling and grammar of this were hundreds of times worse than my usual standard, and to be honest I'm now unsure whether that was intentional or not. Everybody's criticism has been very helpful, and nobody has said anything I don't agree with. Honestly!

 

Whitescorpion; the only excuse I have is simply typing far to quickly on no sleep.

 

Pineapple, I appologise for commenting again on your spelling when others had already, and considering ho terrible mine was. As for for losing interest in writing you've done, I am having a similar issue with a story I started writing a few months ago, and my only advice there is really to take a risk; edit as much as you can, and post it out here and see what sort of feedback you get. good luck.

 

Thanks.

 

Pineapple, experiment a bit with bringing a sense of mystery to your story's character(s) to draw your reader in. I'm not saying you should write a crime/ghost story, but just try and create some curiosity in your opening lines. Emphasize the title of your story, and the first paragraph.

You have the advantage of taking criticism, so don't lose faith. Just find what it is that people like and use those images to convey your story across to them.

 

I'll try all the suggestions, thanks especially to White Scorpion

 

Thanks, Pineapple, you're welcome. All the best of luck in your writing, and let us know how you're getting on. Knowledge flows in many directions, and I'm sure that we could also learn things from you, too.

 

I doubt it
You know, for a one year old, you're pretty helpful.

 

Thanks, Pineapple. I actually base my age on the orbit of Pluto rather than the Earth's, because it makes it easier for me to remember how old I am that way. Anyways, Aussie, get writing. I want to see some more prose. No slacking.