This is somewhat of an extension of a previous post. If you have the desire to understand my feelings in their entirety skim the following: http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=171079 The essence of this post is not to achieve pity. This is not an attempt to accelerate the healing process of a lost love. It is simply a short story, of one who believed, one who gave love as true and honest as any being has the ability to supply. Deranged, yet fulfilled. Almost as if your worst nightmare came true, and you knew it would. You always knew of the possibility, but was to consumed with love to admit it. Years of fighting my feelings, supressing my true desires to protect myself. Can anyone relate to believing in someone, having true unconditional love for them, and feeling their love in return. Only to be a victim of the lovers desire for something else, something I apparently dont possess. The feeling of being used, used for your love to ease the others pain. Where does one find comfort in this? Ive become stronger through being hurt once before, and now once again invested everything I am into someone who's heart lies elsewhere. Her heart lies in a place that repeatedly has brought her pain and comfort. I recently was told this "i discovered something this evening that I had never understood, when I came back to see my boyfriend after spending those days with you, I saw myself as he did, yes I cheated on him, and our relationship worked then because i saw myself as he saw me." She looked into my eyes once and witnessed/felt exactly what I was feeling when I saw her, she saw herself as beautiful, just as I see her (a feeling she never obtained from her ex) Is it because of this that she still runs to him, yearing for that feeling she craves yet doesnt receive?. Can someone help me?
Everything I said in my previous post still applies... At this point, I would say, you have to tell her, your pain in watching her self-destruct is more pain than you care to witness... or help her through Walk away... it will hurt, but not anymore than it will when she finally decides that you are not for her... for whatever reason, whether you choose to believe it or not, she is using you.. and the worst way, in ALL aspects... Physical AND emotional... and as a mental crutch if you will, to try and find the reasoning her ex wont keep her, just the same as you do to yourself for her... Be the stronger person, save your own feelings for yourself... you love, and lost, and it seems to me, will lose again, if you stay with her... The easiest road is not always the one most travelled... always keep that in mind... I can not offer you anymore advice on this subject, or I would be wasting both my time and yours... you asked, I have answered, what you do with the information herein, is yours to do with what you wish... Good luck in life and love...
my holy mother of god , are you related to macbeth? If your subject matter was any clearer than mud i would guess that it would be unbelievably boring - then maybe we could chuck your prose on top to really fuddle clarity - to think i nearly hit the link to gain a better understanding of the background of this post *whew, close miss*. And i can hardly be surprised that mechanic has clearly grasped this, as the last piece of advice that he gave was terrible (in a post written in plain english) Peace out, boys. I am legion
Im a little confused, macbeth, do i sense sarcasm? Mechanic appreciate your input greatly, it takes a great deal to keep my head on straight through these times.
shewillbeloved, I can relate. But what I say may not be what you want to hear? I found myself, at one point, being the person who was hurting and afterwards, being the person who hurt another. It was plain awful both times. It is very very hard to be honest with someone, honest enough to break it off cleanly, to admit that you were wrong and say you're sorry. It is even more difficult when you yourself are in pain. - the way she is not in a great place right now. Does she look at you sometimes glassy-eyed and it's almost like she's thinking, "why can't he be him?" Just remember that you cannot be the person even she needs, if you start to crumble too from your emotional turmoil. What I'm trying to say is that - not only will she lose you as a friend, you will lose yourself if you cannot be honest enough to pull away. It's not easy if you think of yourself being like her lifeline but think of it this way: When a person is infected with a viral strain, he/she takes antibiotics, without letting their body fight an infection or giving it a chance to fight it on its own. Another viral strain hits a second time, and this time the virus has built up some resistance to the antibiotic. They take more antibiotics. And our friend, Darwin, supports that new subsequent virus strains must compete for survival and find a means to obtain a host. The viruses become "superbugs", until even the strongest antibiotics cannot do much. The person eventually dies prematurely and/or suffers a great deal. In the same way as the (crude) analogy above, there will always be hurt and trials but unless a person makes the conscious decision NOT to take the easy way out - like popping a pill, or running to another partner as a distraction, there is no way they will ever learn to fight their own depression or give themselves a chance to reflect thoughtfully or grow. To develop one's own immunity instead of running to medicines, bandaids, or other people. So you're a little selfless and want to help her. All worry for your own self aside, are you actually helping her by being a crutch? Or are you crippling her even more? I don't mean stop being a friend at all, but it's definitely up to you to find a balance even if it hurts at first, or even if it still remains a dull ache 20 years down the road. Some things just need to be done.
Hannah, your knowledge is always appreciated and taken constructively. My mind was running, as I was in the dark for a couple days, but have since gathered some mental stability through reasons I have yet to define. I received a call wednesday from the obvious. Previously patient and burning inside, I answ ered the phone calmly as I would. Her words, Before I say anything, I need to apologize forleaving you in the dark, as I found out tuesday the ex b/f of 3 yrs stayed a few xtra days in her city/apt following his brothers graduation. Long story short, he wants her back, realizes what a selfish person/ jealous blah blah person hes been. She tells me openly, that she told him all about myself and her, expecting him to immediatley look down upon/talk shit, instead, he says that he can forgive her for anything thats transpired between us, as long as he can have her. Though before he was the one to demand she has no contact with me. He told her that she needs to say goodbye, to whoever it is, she needs to create a vacancy, and will not hav ea vacancy as long as she doesnt close these chapters in her life. And even went as far to admit that what he wants to give her, Jason already does. She knows this, yet somehow can not seem to let go of what could have been. And for 7 years, has always run back to me in some way or another....I am dealing with a very intellectual, complicated girl, is she just a victim of being a good bullshitter/getwhatsbest at thetime.....she admitted herself....these are people lives here, serious..sh.... These are the thoughts I am about to offer her: You can’t seem to free yourself from what could have been? You’re forced with the challenge of letting go of someone you love and admire, its hard enough letting of letting go of just someone u love. But letting go of love doesn’t mean you have to withdraw admiration. You have to ask yourself what YOU need, what do crave from a person....can u get what u need from him, can you truly feel fulfilled? History would tell you that is unlikely. You have in front of you a healthy, honest, unselfish, patient, passionate love, free of jealousy, with immeasurable potential, u know that, what are you waiting for? Run with what you have Jeanette! You may say it was I who chose you but in reality, it was you that chose to let me back into your life. For you know, something has been missing. Hannah, luv u girl!!!!
If this has been going on for a long while, and I gather from the above post that it has, I'd move on. If she keeps running back to him, you'll only continue to get your hopes built up, only to crumble again like they have in the past, more than once. I know it' shard to be honest and end things, but if you truly feel you can't deal with this any longer, you're doing yourself, and her, a favour by doing so. I suggest telling her you want her to either leave her ex (stop contact etc) and make a decision either way rather than to simply keep leading you on. Hope that helps and good luck P.S. If she goes back to the guy this time, then move on, no questions asked as hard as it is.
I think I'm going to have to agree with Gypsy_girl. Is your girl's name Jeanette? How strange. For a second there I wasn't sure if I knew you but you are in Chicago! Just as people change for the worse, sometimes they can also change for the better. I know you want to be with her but who are you to say that what she feels for her ex isn't love? Not that you are outright saying that but from your responses it's like you're comparing yourself to him, or comparing what you can offer and what he can offer her. I think in her heart she knows what to do already, without you playing the guilt trip on her about her past or what her past has proven. Let her make her decision and if she is happier with this other man, then she's happy. As a friend, allow her the faith and freedom. As a man who loves woman, tell her how much you care but respect her enough to just walk away once she has made her decision. It truly seems like she has but you're just not ready to let go.
