Eh...long, strange story if one has the time

So there's a boy I met on my first day of high school in homeroom, and on that same day I met the girl who'd become my best friend in that same homeroom. After a couple of years, the three of us had started to chill out in homeroom and during our senior year, I had Law classes with him and we started to get used to socializing in that threesome.

Over the course of high school, I'd realized he was probably a better choice than the other losers I dated, so I tried to make myself feel that way about him, obviously to no avail. After picking one too many partners who were all wrong for me, I decided to be a horse with no name for the remainder of high school. I attended my high school prom with the boy, which pleased our parents, both traditional Hispanic families. I spent the evening with him, my best friend, and her date. We had fun, but the weather was pretty bad and he was the only one in the car who refused to wear a seatbelt. He complained that he never wore one because it was uncomfortable, and when asked what he'd do in an accident, he replied "I guess I'd just have to die." I have still never seen him wear one.

About two weeks ago, I woke up in the morning and for some reason, he was the first thing I thought of. In less than a minute, I started to realize I'd begun to like him out of nowhere. It felt really contrived and faked up, and I knew it would be a short-lived crush. I wasn't interested or even capable of handling much more than a random hookup, which he definitely meant too much to me as a friend to consider. Additionally, I knew another girl liked him, and I didn't want to begin to feel competetive over the issue, especially when I had no plans to actually pursue him and she probably did.

He was tentatively planning to have dinner with my best friend and I on Wednesday night, but had to cancel because his mother, who doesn't drive, needed to be taken to New York and back that day. I hadn't heard from him since, but tonight I learned that he was in an accident on the turnpike on Wednesday night, and would have been dead if he hadn't been wearing a seatbelt. As it was, he was just discharged from the hospital tonight (Friday night). He has surgery scheduled for Tuesday, and is bedridden till then.

This most recent turn of events made things even stranger. A part of me thinks I might be faking at least a little of my reaction tonight, in the same way I wonder if my crush itself was fake. I am worried way too much about this, feeling way too sick to my stomach, and feeling way too weirded out by thinking of his refusal to wear a seat belt just one week ago and then thinking of what happened. My feelings don't seem appropriate, and I don't feel it's my place to be having them in this situation. This is summertime, shouldn't the livin' be getting well...easier? I think most of it will come together the way it's meant to, but I don't know how normal this summer's gonna be with these weird feelings and his injuries in mind. We'll see what happens with everything.

 

That is rather trippy, yes... Well, first of all, though, I'm glad to hear your friend is alive! I think there is a reason, other than the fact that he did" why he decided to wear a seatbelt that day. Sometimes your intuition tells you to do things you don't normally do, and you realize at a later time that doing so pretty much saved your ass.

Anyway, the thing is..... Why would you say the feelings you felt toward him were "fake"? I understand there are certain aspects within your situation which may prevent you from flat-out throwing yourself at him, but that is not to say that your feelings are "fake", per se. Maybe you're trying too hard to rationalize your own emotions before you fully understand them. Well, that's how I see it any way, at least... So feel free to ignore me, or correct me.

At any rate, I wish for your friend's smooth recovery, and for all the best in your situation.

 

I guess because I'd previously tried to fake those feelings and then the feeling seemed to come out of nowhere and didn't feel as right or appropriate as it usually does. But I guess "right" and "appropriate" are grids humans have placed on emotion, and maybe don't always apply exactly. Still, it's become hard to tell anymore.

He seems to be doing as well as he could be -- he's a little drama queen about having lefty in a sling, but otherwise seems in pretty good spirits. Me and the other girl might go visit today before I leave on business.

 

Good to hear that he's doing, err..okay for what he's been through.

I think you understand at least some of this, though. I mean, you know we can't always tell whether our feelings are "appropriate" or not. I think they are real feelings, though. It's like, I may have certain feelings for someone when I'm not quite ready to date. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to actually date that person, but I can't exactly say those feelings are fake, either.

Whether or not you follow through with such feelings is up to you, really. Actually, sometimes it isn't even something you can quite control. I'd say the best thing you can do is to sit back and think about your situation, and see whether or not pursuing this relationship would make you happy. If you're not quite sure about your feelings, then there is no need to rush things. You certainly don't have to pretend like you actually have to be with this guy when you're not even sure.

Uhh... what I just said isn't really advice, per se, but, rather, I just went off about what was on my mind.

Cheers!

 

Hehe, it's fine, I was actually looking more for discussion than advice when I posted this. Your comments are appreciated.

 

No problem.