Here's a very quick rundown of what's going on. R and I have been married for almost 4 years. We've been together for 5 1/2 years. The past year or so has been REALLY tough. Lots of fighting, talk of divorce, etc. Tonight, we had a HUGE fight because he lied to me (specifics don't matter). Most of our fights are about him being unreliable. I can't count on him to do anything but lay around all day. He doesn't clean, he doesn't pay bills, he doesn't take care of our son. I think he's dealing with his mom's death (last month) and her long illness before that. I'm at a loss how to deal with this. I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I feel like I have two kids and no husband. People who don't know R tell me to just ignore it and he'll get around to it eventually, but he doesn't. He would sit all day in filth and not even notice, much less care. If I ignore him or ask him nicely, he ignores me and never does it. If I stand over him and make him do it, he half-asses it and acts sullen because he thinks I'm treating him like a kid. But what else am I supposed to do if that's all he responds to? I've been letting him get away with a lot since his mom died and I really feel like he's taking advantage of me. I totally flipped out tonight, screaming and hyperventalating. I'm so stressed about this plus work plus school plus issues with my mom that I'm about to break here. I've talked to him about getting a cleaning lady or getting counseling, but he refuses to spend the money. When I try to talk to him, he either stares off into space while I talk or shrugs and says "I dunno" to everything I ask. I feel like I'm the only one even trying to make this marriage work. I guess I'm just venting here, but if anybody has any advice, I'd love to hear it.
He sounds like he might be depressed. And if he is acting like a child, then stop asking him to make adult decision. If you want a cleaning lady, get one. Sad thing is...it takes two to make a relationship work but only one to mess it up.
...You could ask mom to come over and clean without telling him..Might light a fire under his ass.. (-trying to get you to smile) Kinder option would maybe be suggesting counseling. Perhaps telling him how abandoned you feel. That you don't want to resent him for feeling like he might be taking advantage of you.. Sounds like a tough situation, depression can be very serious. However, you might want to let him know you must take care of your own needs too. My best wishes go out to you.
He may very well need therapy to deal with his grief. People grieve differently, and losing his mom has got to be a huge blow. I'd strongly urge him to seek counselling, both alone and as a couple. Don't let him use the lack of money as an excuse, there are therapists who work on a sliding scale fee, depending on your income. If he isn't willing to do his part in making the relationship work, it won't last no matter what you do.
I've asked him multiple times to go to counseling, but he refuses. Even if I can get a free therapist through our insurance and I make the appointment, he won't go. :$
If he won't go, then you go. Set an example by doing. And it would be great for you to have someone to talk with about all this. Sometimes couples therapy starts with just half the couple...you can get some tips as to how to deal with some of his behaviors.
Does R. contribute financialy? does he enjoy a stable employment picture ? How is his phsical health ?
