My husband and I have both been through a lot of bad relationships - I've been both verbally and physically abused, cheated on, just plain "left behind", etc. He's been cheated on several times, and had quite a few terrible break-ups (he has scars on his head/face from one girlfriend that threw beer bottles at him, his last girlfriend before me tried telling me that she had herpes from him, he beat her, used to wake her up just for sex, etc). Needless to say, we're both pretty scarred from past relationships. We've talked about it a lot, but there are still some issues... especially as a just-married couple. He said he used to worry, and think about coming home from work early because he worried so much about me cheating on him. He didn't like me going out with my friends because most of them are males and he just didn't know if he could trust me (he totally does, now). If he makes even the smallest mistake, he worries that I'll leave him or something. He doesn't know how to deal with it, because he just never really learned to express and deal with emotions very well before, so he just freaks out... sometimes, he'll start yelling, throw things, break things, etc. As bad as it gets, he's never raised a hand towards me, or even threatened. Myself, on the other hand... when the same things happen, I tend to just close up. As I said, I've been verbally and physically abused, cheated on, and just 'left behind' and forgotten about. I've had ex's that lied, stole, threatened me if I was going to leave them, and then (fortunately) ended up leaving not long after. My father, as another male figure when I was younger, also used to yell a lot, beat me pretty badly, and would pull knives and guns on my mother and me. So now, when things like that happen, I just back away. If he gets mad about anything, even if it isn't my fault, I just keep apologizing and hope I don't get into any trouble. I know he'd never hurt me, but if he's really mad and frustrated about something, it's my automatic response to cower and back away. That just makes things worse, because Adam HATES thinking I'm scared of him (I'm not at all, like I said, I know he'd never hurt me... it's just an automatic response) and then he feels terrible for behaving the way he does. I know it sounds rather childish of both of us to do that, but we can't help it. I understand why he does it - he's never really had anyone that he was so close with, never really learned how to express his emotions. I just have that automatic response to things like that, to back away and apologize so I don't get into any more trouble (even if I'm not, anyway). We've worked on it a lot, and we're both able to talk things out a lot more now, for the most part... I know it'll take a while before we're 100% on that one, but it's working for us so far, we're both constantly getting a hell of a lot better at talking to each-other. I'm just wondering, from people who have been in such situations before, how did you deal with it? How long did it take you to gain each-others' trust (or to gain their trust, or for them to gain yours)? Was the relationship a lot more comfortable/happier when you finally did get everything worked out, and were able to talk more instead of reacting so irrationally?
I hear you, Disco. I lost my last few relationships because of shit in my own past -- I grew up in a relatively conservative family that was, without meaning to be, VERY disapproving of female sexuality. I learned to act a certain way (in other words, either like a boy or like a robot) lest I be labeled a slut. Since I was autistic and disliked human touch as an infant, no one ever touched me until I was thirteen, so I never learned how to touch other people and therefore avoided it. In my relationships, I was always the fuck on the side, the dirty little secret -- I never had a right to speak up for myself or complain about anything because I was the one who technically didn't belong. In public I had to pretend to be a stranger -- never touching, being very careful with my body language lest someone see anything and report it back to the Girlfriend. So then I tried to keep the balance with my poet by saying very little, basically by acting as his secret fuck-doll. I never once touched him in public (that includes in front of our other friends), always walked a few feet away from him ... even stopped looking at him after a time. He "got scared" and left me as fast as his feet could go. We have since talked about it, but I wish he had taken the time to talk with me back when we had a chance of fixing things ... Other boys never even know I am interested because I cannot bring myself to let them know. If anything I act more aloof when I am around someone who interests me. And lately I have been overcompensating by stepping up my sexuality -- yet of course that does not attract the right kind of gentleman either. I know this post was of no help to you, Disco, except to let you know you are not alone. My advice? Just talk about it ... as an optimist I think you will eventually come to trust one another, as long as you stay open and honest with each other. And if anyone else has any extra advice ... I would dearly love to hear it too!
Thanks *a lot* Suncatch... it was kinda nice reading your post, like you said, knowing I'm not alone with this one. And yes, Oz... we got married BEFORE we sorted all of this out, becaue we know for a fact that it isn't going to tear us apart, we'd never let it. We're both dealing with it the best we know how, for the time being. We've been doing a lot better (Winter was the hardest time, we both have pretty bad seasonal depression and would get incredibly irritated with each-other way too easily) and things seem to be sorting themselves out, now. He's a lot happier, because I'm a lot more open about talking to him, too. As long as I talk to him, he doesn't get angry so easily, because most of the problem is him asking "What's wrong?" and me just replying - "Nothing." and it frustrates him when I don't talk about things. I'd definitely say it's more my problem than his, but anybody knows, when one person in a couple has a problem, it's both of theirs. So he's been more patient with me, and I've been talking to him a lot more... things are working themselves out. And, Suncatch, I have to say I admire you for trying to get through this... I know how hard it is. Some day, I'm sure you'll find the right guy, and like Adam, he'll be patient enough to wait until you're more willing/able to talk to him about things. It's a wonderful thing, when you finally find that person.
