coping with sexual assault.

okay, this was really the reason i joined the hipforums...

i really need to talk to people, especially other women, about the aftermath of sexual assault.

last september, on the night of a friend's funeral, a man who i thought was my friend sexually assaulted me. i did not want to go to the police, or even tell my boyfriend ( i didn't tell my family until about a month later) because of all the guilt and self-loathing i was feeling. i did end up telling my boyfriend who told me that if i didn't go to the police, he was going to kill the man who assaulted me. when i refused to tell mike (my boyfriend at the time) where the guy lived, and refused to go to the police, he began calling all of our mutual friends to try to figure out where to find the guy. well, one of our friends called the police and tricked me into going to the station.

it was the most horrific experience i have ever been through. shortly after the event i was hospitalized and then went through a few months of therapy for this and other issues. i also broke up with my boyfriend at the time, who was very loving and supportive (he came to visit his institutionalized girlfriend every day) and distanced myself from everyone i knew. almost like i was trying to simply cut the whole chapter out of my life and start over.

it was weeks before i would even go out in public again for fear i would see the man who did this to me.

four months later, i reunited with a close male friend who had tried to help me though the crisis, and we ended up forming a relationship. when we became sexually active i couldn't mentally seem to handle the emotions and "flashbacks" i would have, and would become very angry with myself for "dwelling" on the matter months later. it was incredibly frustrating.

that relationship failed... and i have been celibate and single ever since. it has been nearly a year since i have had a "normal" relationship, or any kind of enjoyable sexual experience. charges were never filed against the man who assualted me because the district attorny didn't feel that there was substantial evidence against him.

the pain, hatred, guilt, humiliation and fear that has stemmed from the event wont seem to leave me. i can go weeks without thinking about it, and then i will mistake someone for the guy and just freeze and start shaking.

i just want to "get over it" but can't seem to. i am a very independent and "strong" woman, and it terrifies me to think of myself as i was, so helpless and at the mercy of someone else's terrible will.

when i finally did tell my mom and dad, the stereotypical "let me get my gun" approach that i almost expected from my father wasn't there at all. instead (he always thought i hanged around with "the wrong crowd") he said "well i don't know the details, but i guess you know what kind of people you've been hanging around now" and my mom just went back to reading her book. it was so unlike anything i expected! i felt like i was in some terrible movie! saying it now, i almost don't even believe that this was their reaction, but it WAS... it seemed almost as if it was confirming my guilt.

they have not said a word about the event since that evening i told them.

i guess i just need to talk about it, but i was/am so TIRED of therapy that i could throw a book in the face of every worried-eyed, knee-patting old woman with a notepad and half-rimmed glasses.

i want to feel sexually alive again.. it's been almost a year, and i keep thinking that i shouldn't give "him" the power to alter my life like this, but... the thought of sex is almost sickening, and the few times i did have sex with my ex boyfriend after the assault it left me so upset and shaken...

i don't know...does anyone have any bit of advice? i'm so frustrated with myself for not being able to "move on" and "be strong" even though i KNOW it's not something that one can easily get over. GRAH!

 

I know i can't say that i feel your pain. but i wish you well. Mind over matter. *hugs*

 

i was sexual assulted by a family friend the day before my grandfather's funeral....

i understand where you are, and where you are coming from.

My anger, guilt and frustration took the opposite route from yours though... you turned off sexually while I turned to "hate fucking" men (i thought it was all they wanted anyway... so I used it against them, made them care, then ran away).

my only advice is not to push yourself. You aren't ready. These things take time to process, and time to get over. You have moved past the processing, and are into the "getting over" stage, but it can still take a long time. Don't give up on the therapy. It may seem like you are getting no where, but you are making progress... you can't just snap your fingers and have everything return to normal.

Are there any support groups in your area? There are none in mine, but via the grapevine I have found women to whom I can talk about this stuff with. One is in her 50's and still dealing with a rape that happened in her 20's.... my assult happend in '98, and I still have issues that I deal with in regards to sex that stem from it.

Hang in there!

 

Its time to take back your power.

See if you can find a sexual assault support group.

Get angry. At the man who did this to you. At your family who didn't support you.

Go take a self-defense course. That is where you can channel that anger that you have finally allowed yourself to experience. It will also let you build up some confidence that he took from you.

Don't give the jerk one more minute of your life.

If it was me, I'd be making sure every person we had in common knew what he did to me. I bet you are not the only one he's done this to.

*hugs*

 

thanks! i really appreciate your replies...

there are a couple local support groups, and i think i really do need to suck it up and go. i really wanted to stop going to all the classes and therapy because i felt like it was a waste of time feeling sorry for myself. it's weird though, because i am usually very emotional and like to talk about things and journal and all of that. the problem is... i DO want to snap my fingers and be over it... it's frustrating that i feel like i don't have the power to control my own emotions.

but maybe you're right, maybe i simply am not ready to move on from this...

oh, and nightwriter... i heard around town as more people found out what happened that i was NOT the only person that he had done this to, and there were, in fact three other girls that people know about that he did this to. unfortunatly, my experience was the only one that was ever related to the police.

 

What happened has no reflection on you. It doesn't mean you are or were weak. It doesn't make you any worse a person in any way. It doesn't mean anything about who you are or what you maybe could have done differently. It's all his fault. All of it. Every last bit of it.


I can't tell you how to deal with it. When it happened to me, I blacked it completely out of my memory. When I started to remember it, twenty years later, it hurt really bad but my attacker is already dead (or I would have tried to kill him myself). But, after crying for an entire day, I came to the conclusion that I didn't let it hurt me when it happened, so it can't hurt me now after so much time has passed. Everyone handles these things differently. I put up walls to protect myself, distancing people from knowing the real me inside. Those walls eventually had to come down. But it took a long time to get there.

 

all i can tell you, in addition to what these other ladies have told you, is that it does get better. i was assulted as a child, (13), and it took me a long time to get over it. it was a group of boys, and they were black. i was terrified of black men for years, and while it was a predjudice, there was a reason behind it. but i am over it now...i didn't completely put it behind me until i was about thirty though. i hope you can do it quicker.
big hugs...

 

it's gonna take a lot of time and a lot of support from your sisters. for some reason, you really need a lot of female support right now. don't try another relationship yet. you're not ready, and you'll end up angry with yourself all over again for doing nothing wrong.

 

mamaboogie, i know what you mean about those "walls!" i have been isolating myself ever since it happened and it was only a year ago...i always felt like i had so many friends before all that shit went down, and now, there are only two people besides my family that i talk to on a regular basis, and neither of them were with me when things got bad.

i feel in a way, it really changed the way i look at humanity... not because of what one person did to me, but rather because of the reactions of the people that knew both him, and me. we had a lot of mutual aquaintances, and there was a time, perhaps about a month after the assault, where i would tell everyone who knew him exactly what he did to me, sometimes in horrifc detail. now of course i didn't expect everyone to believe me... but what really hurt was that a group of my "close" guy-friends were all outraged and really upset because they all knew him and sometimes hung out with him. however... once things calmes down, they all went back to being his buddy after pretending to be so upset. it was kind of like a smack in the face.

then the thing about there not being enough evidence to take him to court... i cannot understand that at all. the woman who was performing the whole "rape kit" on me told me that the way i was beat up, there should be no question what happened, i practically looked like fucking hillary swank after her assault in Boys Don't Cry. not to mention that the D.A. was a long time friend of the family and i went to school with his daugther for ten years.

on top of that, i ended up getting bills for the medical service i recieved when the officers took me to the hospital... that were a huge hassle to try to get cleared up.

everything about what happened seemed to be one big insult to injury, and those walls you mentioned went right up. the only good thing that came of my newfound dislike for humanity was all the love and faith and romance i once put into society, i poured back into nature, and especially animals.

in the past few months there has been practically a 180 in my attitude towards everything, and the annoying bitterness seems to be washing away thanks to all my little animals friends i work with every day (as a ranch hand) and those "walls..." i can admit... they are starting to weaken a little...

you know, that felt good to get kind of angry for a minute... thank you all so much

 

Anger is one of the steps in the healing process! Congratualtions.

It sucks that sexual assault is so often NOT prosecuted. Actually physical assaults are often not prosecuted either. I have a friend who used to get the crap beat out of her by her fire captain boyfriend (she was 30, he was 50+). A cop friend of hers said there wasn't much they could do unless he killed her or beat her so badly she ended up in the hospital.

It is good that you are able to love animals. You will be able to eventually trust people again as well. I think a certain wariness will always exist.

I went through a date rape at 17. I told very few about it (definitely not my parents or the authorities). When I look back now, 22 years later, I realize that I never let myself get put in a situation that would end up that way again. I ended up being stronger but it took a while.

You have your whole life ahead of you...what's the next thing you want to accomplish?

Hugs

 

maybe you're right maybe in the end, these things do make us stronger... man, that's horrible about your friend who was getting abused. sometimes crap seems so messed up...

actually the next thing i want to accomplish is to finish school. next month i will be going to horseshoeing school i hope to start my own farrier service once i graduate. i'm looking forward to meeting people who have the same love for animals that i do. i even let myself dream a little about meeting some burly metal-working ranch-man in school who could crush any guy who looked at me wrong with his steel-toes boots and anvil. haha. no, not really. well, okay, fine, maybe i did... but not with any reality-based-hopes it's my job to take care of me.

 

I feel for you and understand you. I was raped- drugged and raped a little while back and went to the police, hospital- and the guy was never found or caught. It really hurts to know people can get away with that....

anyways ((big hugs to you))) and defiantly join the support group. I think that would help a lot.

 

hi i know i'm a male and you may not want to hear from me

the thing is my younger sister was raped five years ago when
she was away on holidays with her friends.
she told me as soon as she got home all i could do at the time was
hug her and cry my eyes out we both cried for a while and went and told
our folks what happened . my dad wanted to kill every man out there
and me i was pissed off that i was not there to protect my sister.
however when my sister went to the police because it happened in another
country there was not much they could do. but a police woman got my sister
some help at the advice centre. now five years on my sisters is married with
two great children . i always told her that i would never let anybody do anything
like that again to her. i think my family helped her we all told her that not to let
some perverted scumbag wreck her life.

i'm so sorry to hear what happened to you and i really feel for you i hope
some day you find happyness i your life again because every deserves to be
happy in life. god bless and protect you.

as for the scumbag who raped you i hope he rots in hell
remember what goes around comes around he will meet his maker

 

jon boy 03 makes a good point. When family is there for you, it makes things so much better and easier. I'm glad they were there for his sister.

However, when family is not there for you, it hurts twice as much.

 

It hurts, and not only when you are conscious of it, it affects everything in your life, and not just from the assault but from the reaction and support.

About 16 years ago I was homeless and dumbly ended up drifting up to London, I couldn't find anywhere to sleep or anywhere to make a living. After being awake for about 4 days on the trot I wandered into a railway station where I bummed a smoke off a guy and as soon as I lit it I went dizzy. Next thing I know I am half naked on a bed in a skanky room with this guy trying to fuck my ass, conscious of what was going on but having to struggle to find the strength to move.
When I did manage to get up I couldn't even find it in myself to say anything, I just staggered out into the street to find it was morning already and somehow found myself a tube station. I rode the tube for a while, just feeling blank and ended up in a posh area where I promptly got arrested because the residents complained that some strange guy was wandering around.
I was so fucked up and tired that I couldn't talk to the cops, ended up in a mental hospital for a few where the staff wouldn't believe my story (I had a small history of drugs and they just thought I was tripping).
My parents wouldn't believe me either, and the friends I told about it just shrugged and said "whatever". I told my second wife about it and she didn't really respond either.
The only person who offered me any advice was an ex-prostitute who was in the same hospital for detox. She just advised me to get an AIDS test and get on with my life.

All I can advise (and this might not work for you, its just how I dealt with it) is that your life will and does go on, you will feel insecure or paranoid in certain situations, but remember you are strong enough to survive anything and any paranoia is usually just your mind.

I found that people will either respond with "OMG thats terrible" and never speak to you again, "I'll kill the bastard" and make you feel worse because you just want to forget, or just be "whatever".

This reaction isn't your problem its theirs, what is more important is that you feel able to build a relationship of trust with someone even you love and who loves you, if you don't feel ready don't mention it to that person until you feel they are in a position to just tell you its all ok and hold you until the pain goes away, without sex, without anything, just holding you.

Once you have found this person you feel you can trust, just stick with it and eventually you will be able to feel sexually normal again, if not sexually superhuman because you have the bond of trust and support there before any sexual relationship.

There are plenty of bastards and bitches out there who will try to take advantage of your trust and run, just never give up because there will be someone out there who you can just hold and know it'll be ok. If you take your time then it will become evident who you can rely on and who you can't.

 

I was molested when I was younger.
I was in therapy, but it didn't really help.
What helped was my actually wanting to heal, and finding a release that worked for me. I let my feelings out in my art. I still do. It bothers me at times sexually....but, my boyfriend knows the situation and he's patient about it. Maybe you need to find someone that's patient....and will wait for you as long as you need him or her to.
Maybe find a person near you that's been through the same sort of thing....you can always use a new friend, and that person might just be what you need to overcome your ordeal.
Love and luck to you, and I wish you the best of getting over what's happened to you.

 

Ink, so much of what you wrote hit home with me. Last summer I was raped by a man who I thougth was my "friend". He put something in my drink and I don't remember much after that. I have one memory of kind-of waking up during the act and trying to push away but I was too drugged and weak. I couldn't even walk. Well needless to say I was traumatized. Mind you, this was the first time I had EVER gone to a bar (I had recently turned 21) and I thought I was going with a friend! It totally changed the way I look at people. I used to be fearless, and now I find myself cowering at the slightest noise or shadow. I HATE IT!

I felt so stupid afterward. So incredibly stupid. I felt like somehow.. someway.. it must have been my fault. Like I put myself in that position or something. Totally irrational thinking..
I didn't go to the police either and now I regret it. I just wanted to close my mind off to the world and I shut down. Eventually my ex-boyfriend told my parents (which I was pissed about). But luckily they were very supportive. I knew they would be, but I was just too embarassed to tell anyone. The whole incident really changed my life.
I have an amazing boyfriend right now (we plan to get married) who is very supportive, but I still get flashbacks and cry uncontrollably sometimes. My boyfriend wants to kill kim. He's so protective. Sometimes I also see men who look like him and I get really shook up.
I just want you to know that you aren't alone. *Hug*
Things will get easier. What I'm working on is trying to not be afraid anymore.
Instead of being fearful I try to be very cautious. If I want to go out, I try to get a girl friend to tag along if my boyfriend can't go. I'm much choosier about who I hang around. I'd rather be alone and safe then friends with sketchy people, I guess.
There's not that much advice I can give, since I'm still coping, but just know that I'm thinking of you and you aren't alone in dealing with this

Feel free to PM me anytime if you wanna talk.
-Sarah

 

for all of you out there who have been a "survivor" of sexual assault, or have been close to someone who is, i'm sure you are familiar with the instinct of simply wanting to KILL the person who wronged you or your friend.

is this really rational? i can't figure out if it is or not. i almost feel guilty for saying it, but i almost don't care what happens to him as long as i never have to see him again. whether he is dead or alive doesn't matter to me at all as long as the fact remains that i NEVER have to see this person again.

living in a small town, it's hard to avoid someone who has been in your social group for years... and it may feel like the only way to eliminate this person from your life is to end THEIR life.

right after everything, i was still convinced, like others have said, that what happened had to have been my fault, somehow. that i hadn't fought enough, or that i had misled him, or that i had somehow invited this kind of behavior from him, or even that it was kind of karma for SOMETHING i had done.

after i finally came to terms (well, still not entirely true) that what happened was not in any way my fault, all the anger and hatred set in about wanting him hurt/dead/mutilated/etc.

then that passed too, because, even if he was "eliminated," that wouldn't change what happened, and the memory of what happened would not be eliminated from life with his passing... so what's the point?

it's kind of confusing.

if anyone's ever read Wuthering Heights, by emily bronte, there is this quote that passes between nelly and heathcliff. heathcliff is saying how much he wants revenge for what has been done to him all his life, and nelly is taken aback, exclaiming;

"it is for god to punish the wicked!"

the young boy promptly replies;

"yes, but he will not receive the satisfaction that i will."


i felt like that for a long time, but then, that violent, consuming hatred melted away into something else, and i almost feel even MORE guilty for letting go of my thoughts of vengence.

does this make sense? i am a really peaceful, kind of quiet, easy-going person, but i was hell-bent on vengence, and when it faded away, it made me upset, because in a way it felt like i was forgiving him for what he did.

do people like this, deserve to be forgiven...?

 

You can't live your life consumed by anger.

You experienced it (as you needed to since it was part of healing).

Now you are moving forward with your life.

You don't have to forgive (I don't think I could). But it is good to let go of all the bad stuff when you are able.

 

I think you need to find someone else to talk to. Maybe skip the healthcare professional and look for someone who does counseling. . I went through therapy , it never "worked" until I met a woman who was more on my plane. Very open. She was a counselor and not a doctor, so she didn't try to "cure" me or pump me up with pills. There are people out there who can help you. You should find a way to get your feelings out or they will chew you up.