I see the smile creeping slowly on your lips, I can feel the punchline from here. I seem too distanced to offer anything other than chuckles. Heh, it meant something when I smiled. I'm suddenly just feelin' every moment like now, and if you dig it or not, that's fine. My mind is busy squirming all over space and time. Scribin' on the dead leaves of the Poet-tree, scratchin' my back in defiance of the day the ever-living 'squitos had their way. Rascal's & weasel's havin' a laugh on me. King Shit spittin' his seeds tryin' to plant some greener scenery, perhaps, or maybe just a dream. How lame and completely inappropriate, clucking about a fresh and open mind. i find it pretty funny, tryin' to compare your life to mine. Cuz the point of life ain't breakin your back, and spending time in bed, but living in the Holy Now, Buddha-like, ever ready to die and be dead.
I really liked this poem just because its so down to earth and humble, but... there's depth to it and I liked the use of metaphors. great poem
Well. I like the voice in this poem and the way it comes across, theres a person here writing this. It's a lot different from stuff I write, but it is very well crafted and I bet that when it is read aloud, publicly that it comes across well. It is fluid, I think it moves well in the mind when it is read and I have read it out loud myself and it feels good that way. My crit is a personal one. It is just an attitude I don't relate to and that does not detract from what I have said. I suppose that has to do with age differences more than anything. I think it is well crafted, and it is obvious you took some time working on it and that work has made it 'work' in this poem. Dave
Wow, thank you both for the very honest and descriptive responses. I enjoyed reading what you both thought, and how the poem made you feel. Thanks alot, you guys.
Woah. I totally dig this. I love you metaphors too, and your choice of words is great. I love poetry with imagery, and this is definatly full of it. Great stuff!
I liked it too, i for one agree with the sentiment, don't see how anyone could disagree. Could one really think it's better to sleep, or break your back (or mind) working? Of course, sleep is good, and work is necessary, and good. Maybe there is something else being disagreed with, and I respect that. He never really said, so it's hard for me to say. but I must admit, your line breaks sometimes disorient me. Like you're trying to keep your lines short, visually, when what counts is how it reads. Sometimes maybe it wouldn't hurt to let them run a little longer before you hit enter.
very true words yet how we tread the footpaths of many in life even death,to share life will all.... i love the way you play on mind and heart here how we have needs and wants... if only we could balance life ,to live as holy as you write .but thats lifes plan.to live.and learn. lovenpeace from saff
Thank you, Saff. I loved reading your insight into the poem, and what it meant to you. For me, I was just writing on the spot, you know, whatever came to my head, but your interpretation is wonderful and I really enjoyed it. Thank you. Much peace and love to you.
