I've recently really started to doubt my boyfriend. It seems like he always can go somewhere with anyone else but me. If he doesn't have plans and I ask him to do something with me he says no because he wants to keep him options open....and when I call back later he either doesn't answer or has gone somewhere. Last night he promised he'd either call or come to visit me....and he didn't. He's been slipping on keeping promises lately. When I bring things like this up to him he goes on the defense and acts like I have no right to question what he does and who he's with. He really makes me believe he's cheating on me or something. He always has made little comments that would make any sane person have doubts about the relationship. It's like....I'm the only one that's ever made any real effort in this relationship. I'm always the one to call first....always the one to go see him first. He says it's because now that we're a 'thing' he doesn't have to make an effort....he already has me. If I tell him I miss him and want to spend time with him he makes fun of me and says he has me wrapped around his finger. I guess it's not ok to miss a boyfriend? Is it really that bad a thing? When I do get to talk to him he's either stoned out of his mind and can't do anything but laugh, or he's really shitty about everything. When I try to talk to him about how I feel about things he gets mad and says I should bring it up when it happens and when it bothers me....but when I do that he still gets mad. He's always talking about me not 'pussy whipping' him. Always says things to make me feel bad about who I am. I love him....and he says he loves me....but I am just so tired of everything that's happening right now. He's just moved back in with his mother....which really bothers me. Not because it's his mom....but because he's back at the place that I know he can be a complete idiot and I'll never know the difference. He's also got a friend back in his life that has caused problems between us before. If I say I don't like the friend, my day sucks....if I try to be around the friend and get along, my day sucks. I just....I guess I just needed to rant. Should I wait out the storm....or is this even really worth it? It's only been recent that all of this is happening. Is his shady behavior (Getting mad if I ask 'too many' questions about where he's been and who he's been with. Getting mad if I ask him to make plans with me and he doesn't but instead makes plans with 'someone'?) proof that he's got someone on the side, or am I over-analyzing the situation?
ditch him, maybe wait out the storm and see if there is anything that he finds truly deeply personal - maybe his mom got cancer or some shit, but it sounds like he's out playing the field, or listening to his friends shitstirring. it also sounds like he's already made up his mind but hasn't told you yet. my wife did a lot of the same things - avoiding me, and then acting like i had no right to spend a night with her or talk to her, just changing the subject or getting stoned when I tried talking to her about the relationship. she too had a 'friend' that came back into her life who she would never hear anything bad about, who it turned out she was fucking and who in the end beat her cos he was high on crack. I might be superimposing my situation on yours and sometimes it is easy to overanalyze things, but he's definitely acting like he's got something to hide and it's never a good something. theres no smoke without fire - either you can wait to see the fire and get burned or you can cut your losses now and find someone who won't make you feel like shit.
He isn't fucking this friend....at least, I don't think....it's a guy (who is gay)....and my boyfriend is one of those 'hard-core straight guys'. I just don't like this friend because of who my boyfriend is when he's with him. The guy is real bad on cocaine and whatnot....and he's a carnie (Not saying that makes him a bad person....but he is a bad person). The guy seriously makes my boyfriend someone that I don't want to be with. I guess it'll be my fault if I really get hurt in the end. Just kinda hard to really let myself believe that he could be messing around behind my back. He knows my past with other guys....that I've never really been with anyone that can make me feel like a human. It's like....when things are good between he and I they're real good....and when they're bad they suck. I try not to blame myself....but I can't help it. Maybe I'm trying too hard to push into his life? At first, I was pushy....I tried to be around him all the time and all that....now, I've backed off. It's not a novelty anymore....so I don't have to be constantly around him. All I want is more than an hour or two with him when I do finally get to see him. We've been together 8 months....no, that's not 'forever', but it's long enough to have more than a "Hello, goodbye....I have plans with someone else" deal....right?
my opinion is drop him, this guy has been nothing but trouble for you since the beggining. even judging by the way he responded when you first told him you were pregnant it shows he's not good enough for you. you deffinatley have the right to be asking where he's at, who hes with and what he was doing. you are also fully entitled to get pissed off at his overly defensive behaviour regardless of whether or not he's breaking any of the rules, if he's not open enough to tell you he smoked pot and played video games with his friends then if he is doing something on the side he's deffinaltey not gonna be open enough to come out with that info.
I'm curious. Why do you feel that it's your fault? If you have to constantly feel like it's a tug o war, I certainly would feel the same way too - plainly drained and tired out. I used to date someone who constantly made me guess, and whom I never felt emotionally secure with. It was rotten and a living hell. No matter how much two people share or the "happy moments", so to speak - they cannot make up for all the unnecessary thoughtlessness. It just doesn't. Take it easy. It should be a joyous time with the baby nearly here, and hang on to what matters to you even if it means temporarily putting this on hold. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine a man saying that since you're "a 'thing' he doesn't have to make an effort....he already has you." This is an abomination, hon, and you know it too.
I think he is having second thought about you two... how long have he been acting like this? I think people's emotion have it's up and down time... it may be just at a down time... time when he thinks he doesn't like you... time he thinks he needs more of his own space... maybe you should wait a bit first... maybe you should show him that you two are not "a thing" and he doesn't "has you"... you should never let him think that way... no one owes you...
either he's got cold feet and his coke friend is reminding him of the 'free' life or there's something else going on. to me it sounds like he was getting off on the power trip of having you constantly wanting to be around him. its true that any relationship no matter how long it has lasted deserves more than hi and bye. let alone one where you have a child. you can't control his actions or his friends. it isn't my place to say anything - not knowing him or you or the sorta relationship you have but if he truly loved you then it wouldn't be a case of "i'll see ya when i see ya"; he would want to be there for you. if he won't open his feelings to you, or talk freely about what is going on in his head or freely choose to come to you then in the end you have to choose what is right for you as an individual and as a mother. what would you prefer - seeing your baby brought up knowing its mother had the courage and the strength to stand on her own, or seeing your baby brought up knowing its mother had stuck by a guy who wouldn't be there for her? although my first instinct is to say ditch him, its true there might be something else going on causing this = cold feet etc. but if he won't tell you then how can he expect you to wait for him? you have to talk with him, one on one and make it clear you want to know what is going on. if he doesn't want to talk, or avoids you then please sit yourself down either with a good friend or think on your own about how you can bring up your baby on your own. work out budgets, work out everything. just have yourself that escape plan, give him a deadline (as unromantic as it sounds) and if he still avoids you, or chooses his friends over you and your baby then he would make a lousy father and an abusive partner.
I would not put up with the treatment that you describe. You have to decide for yourself what you are willing to subject your heart to. If you feel like you deserve to be treated better, then demand it from him, or move on.
Danger, I see what you mean. I know he smokes out with his friends....but, what bothers me is when he's nowhere to be found. I know his past....he was a big ho, and now that he's back at his mamas (the same town all his 'girls' live)....it really bothers me when I don't know where he is and all his friends are working and whatnot. I know that if his mama knew he was messing around, she'd tell me....but he doesn't always let her know he's leaving the house. It also bothers me when he does his 'other' drugs around me; pills and whatnot....I've repeatedly asked him to wait until I'm not around to do that....I have a past with pills and it bothers me a lot to be around them. .Hannah., I feel it's my fault because I've always had to feel that waywith other boyfriends.I'm such a wimp when it comes to boyfriends. I mean....I'm a strong lady, I believe, and stand my ground with people....but with boyfriends I just shut down a lot. I'm working on that....and maybe that's what's hurting our relationship? Maybe he's not used to a woman that fights back. I know happy moments don't constitute the bad ones....but that's what's keeping me holding on, I think. I do love him so much, but lately it seems the bad times are outweighing the good. Garf, it's been like this the past month or so. I don't know what he'd be having cold feet about....I'm not pressuring him into taking our relationship any further....we both have the same expectations as far as this relationship goes, I'm not pressuring him to stay with me....of course, I'd be crushed if he did leave, but I don't want him to be around if that's not what he wants, I take a backseat to his friends....if I want him to do something with me and he says he wants to see what they're doing....I wait. I try to do everything I can to make him happy. Tipo, I think he does like the idea of knowing that I want to spend all my time with him. That bothers me. The baby thing is complicated....he never wanted this baby in the first place. When I decided to keep her, I let him know that I didn't expect him to stick around and if he chose not to, he wouldn't be obligated to have anything to do with her. He chose to stick around, though....so I assumed that meant he wanted us to be together. I also don't want to choose his friends by any means, I would just like the kinda time they get. I guess I'm jealous....and it's sad that I have to be jealous of his friends and his XBOX360. He says he'd rather sit at home and play video games than get out of the house and go somewhere. He says it's boring to go out....and I try hard to plan things he'd like....paintball and whatnot....I figured that'd be more interesting than playing video games for 8 straight hours. Maybe that's just me. I think I'm holding on for this baby. Maybe when she gets here his attitude will change. I've seen it happen. I'm thinking maybe he's stressed because her arrival is getting so close....and he always has said that this baby will ruin his life. I'm hoping he'll see that she won't ruin his life....she'll just give him one more person to care for in his life. I know I can bring her up alone. I have a great support system here. My mom and dad have been the absolute best through this whole thing. I'm going to give him until she's born (October) to change his ways, I think. That way, he'll get to be there when she's born and possibly see that having a baby isn't as bad as he thinks. (Again, I'm not forcing him to stick around....he's chosen to do so). Lil' dead, I'm definitely going to start demanding it. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone other than close friends that I need to demand the respect I deserve.
Stop calling him and stop making an effort. Enjoy the time you have with your baby...don't let him get you all stressed out...you owe it to yourself and your baby to be calm and collected during this time. If he starts making an effort to see you, then you know he's worth your time. If he doesn't...well, then, there's your answer.
heya moon, Couple of things - Do you deserve better ? Iffn you cannot answer "damn right", you need to do a reality check on yourself - you really want to bring a child into something like you are describing ? Sometimes it's hard going it alone, but better for you and your child than something you are not sure about - yah you Must be sure - have full trust for it to work and for a happy family - Should you continue - what do you see down the road - it ain't pretty and you only end up liking yourself less. Be true to your Self - Stop - be Still - Listen - and Act Been a single parent and in a few relationships - and I have found that one DOES Know what is best and what is coming - they just want to be in denial - and denial can hurt a lot. Take a deep breath and go deeper honey - you can do it and your child depends on you to be strong and true - because you Do Know.... It does get better, but sometimes we must make the hard choises that we know are right before it does Blessings along the Way Energy sent your Way
I completely agree with Annie. You need to just write this guy off and make sure that you calm down and spend these last two months enjoying your time. If he's going to treat his pregnant girlfriend like this, then you sure don't want him around when you have the baby. The way it sounds is he's acting like a 12 year old and running away from responsibility. If you feel you have any reason to doubt his loyalty, knock his ass to the curb. When the trust is gone, the relationship is over. But make sure he takes responsibility for your child. He should at least have to pay child support. I know it's all a lot easier said than done, but this no longer is affecting just you and him, you have an unborn child in the story, too. From your description, he's using you. "Tied around his finger..." sounds like he's getting some sort of sick thrill out of dragging you along on a string. You need to tell him he either has to grow up or he's gone. He has a child on the way, his childhood ended when your pregnancy test showed up positive. He made an adult decision, now he should have to face the adult consequences.
In my experience the defensiveness is enough of a give away something isn't right. I agree, let him come to you. You don't want him to think he has you waiting on the back burner giving him security.
8 months. I guess it's a lot easier said than done when it comes to not making an effort. I really want things to work out. I guess when I love someone I can't just say...."Oh well, he doesn't care enough about me to come around I'll just stop trying." It's sad....but, true. I do deserve the best....but I always end up with less than that. And, Josh....I wouldn't do coke because I'd end up like you.
