thanx all, weve tried the chores thing problem is he refuses to do it we get "in a minute" translated means Im not doing it, or we get a flat refusal which then often blows up into an argument. This morning we had refusal to get up, alex complained some kids were picking on him which I said I contact the school about, things then got heated Aimee shouted at him alex storms off upstairs, aimee follows him and then has another shout at him I asked her to stop 3 times and she carried on, in the end I had to go I was so late for work told alex I loved him, kissed aimee on the shoulder and left. they are both the same once they start they r like a dog with a bone, and they just go on and on and on with the shouting until one of them either cries, causes physical harm or until one storms off, I`m thinking just say ur piece and thats it no more to be said.
Good night, if I had ever told my mother to shut up, I'd have been picking myself up off the floor. If I'd have refused to go to school, she would have dragged me out of bed and hauled me bodily to the car and into the classroom if necessary. You could try that with Alex. You could try taking all of his things out of his room except for the bed, too.
My first suggestion would be to seek therapy for your step son. Being abandoned by his father for another family is hard on a kid. Imagine how he must feel. Punishing him because he feels rejected and is acting out wont work. He should not have to go through his dad being a prick alone. My advice would be to get into some family counseling. It may not help your step son behave better, but it might give you and your wife some ideas on how to handle the situation. Do yourself a favor and try to remember that his dad has hurt the boy, and what he is doing is a reflection of his pain. Meaning it isnt personal. Have you ever thought of adopting him? Right now he might be feeling "fatherless" and need some reassurance that you wont leave him. I am not saying that you should forgive what he does, but realize that it may be caused by deeper issues. If you want to talk more let me know. I deal with "problem" kids all the time.
For how long? Were you around before the kid's dad remarried? Was the kid different before his dad hurt him so by refusing to have anything more to do with him? (I'm guessing not that much, based on comments below.) Then why the hell is he allowed out of the house? If he's too sick to go to school, he's too sick to leave the house for the rest of the day. Period, dot, end of story. At least, that was the rule in my house growing up, and such a rule never did me or my brother a bit of harm. As to someone's response about having a chronic illness that was not diagnosed until later -- while that happens, that's likely less than 1/2% of kids. Most of us faked being sick because we hadn't finished our homework or just flat out didn't want to go. Ah HA! By george, I think you've found your problem! He treats you the same way she treats you? He acts out in the same way his mother behaves? My goodness, who would imagine? You need to either get all three of you into counselling (individual and group), or you need to get the hell out of that house. As long as she is unable to effectively discipline her son, he will continue to behave badly. As long as she continues to treat you badly, even if she learns to discipline the child, the child will continue to treat you badly. The pain left by his father may exacerbate his poor behavior, but it sounds like as much blame belongs on his mother's shoulders. Also, that inconsistency, of being mad one minute and hugging the next, is likely why the child has no discipline. If he has grown up knowing that, no matter what he does, no matter how mad mom gets, everything will be fine and there will be no lasting consequences, why not do whatever he wants? She may scream and yell, and even try to ground him, but she'll be all loving and supportive half an hour later (and he can probabaly get out of the grounding then too), so who cares? And, yes, I'm making wild assumptions based on only a few lines of text, but also based on having seen my dad in a situation that was similar to what it sounds like you're in.
I have been in this exact situation and it is a living hell. In my situation the child was 10 and was the only child of divorced parents so his Mom spent most of her time feeling guilty and allowing him to run both our lives. I was also expected to be a Dad to him but had no power to do anything when it came to him acting out his rage all over our lives. I took two years of this crap and then left and it was the best choice I ever made too. Walk away and don't look back-life is two short to waste on a situation where this poor kid and his Mom BOTH need some Serious therapy and not a whipping post who is a really sensitive guy trying to do the right thing. I am sure YOUR needs are way on the end of a long line of people too. Good luck and go find a person who will be there for you as much as you are for them.
