Well, everyone here knows I have some major problems, and that a lot of them stem from my relationship with the boy I refer to as "the poet" -- who was honestly my first real love. Despite our unceremonious breakup three months ago, he has claimed to still love me but not want to hurt me (seriously, the kid is the next great beat poet and that's the best line he can think of?!), so we've been trying to talk it out and least part company on good terms. But each meeting has ended with me either angry or in tears again (sometimes both), which sends him into bouts of depression and sometimes even fits of schizophrenia. When I've tried to break off contact, he's begged me to hold on, and admittedly the thought of completely excising him from my life has been impossible for me too. So eventually he told me he needed space (interesting how it becomes about him, eh?) and that we could not see each other for an indefinite period of time. (At first it was weeks, then maybe years, then possibly never -- but I was supposed to hold out hope.) Of course, this has left me frustrated and angry -- I do not want to wait around for something that will end up disappointing, much less for something that might never happen at all. For most of these three months, I have been feeling as though I've had razor wire wrapped around my chest below my arms ... I've actually been breathing less deeply because of the pressure and sometimes pain. (I've really felt blood trickling from the wounds too ...) I've been barely sleeping or else binge-sleeping, eating little to nothing or else feasting on ice cream, endlessly rerunning scenes from our relationship over and over in my mind -- all as self-torture, because I've felt unrelentingly as though I'd failed him. But tonight he FINALLY understood. FINALLY. (No offense to any Christians here, but ... Jesus Christ!) The razor wire lifted off. I am just sitting here breathing deeply again, trying not to take it for granted. I'm gonna sleep on it (since I think I can sleep now) and see if I ever want to speak to him again, or if I just want to end it on a good note. But either way ... damn it. I still love him. For all that I hated him, for all the pain he put me through ... if he called me in the morning and said, "Baby, let's just go away together," I would forget my new job, my class, everything, and go. It's not lust. It's not infatuation. (Trust me, I'd never be infatuated with someone like this ... :& ) I don't know what else it is. It just IS. I guess that maybe now I can move on ... ? Don't hold me to that, though. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Whew ... !
I had a first love that will be with me all of my life. She's long gone, married, kids, but still mine where it's important - deep down. When I die a million years from now, her name will be the final thought. If she knew all of this, wonder what she'd think? Had to break up 'cause it was too hard - religion and all. We're better off, I guess..... Sorry.
I think you've spent a lot of time here writing each stage out on these forums like it was a great catharsis. - If you feel you've come to a great revelation then revel in it. To be honest, he sounds like a prick. I know you're speaking exulatations of him but it is your fresh emotions speaking. I don't see any sense in it and that's what makes me think twice about what you profess. Do you not think it's more than a little conspicuous if he called you and said "baby let's go away?" That you would drop all of it without a second thought? I would hesitate calling that love by any means. Perhaps we think of it differently. To me, this is by far, not love. It's habit, dependency and an addiction. Each meeting ending in tears and frustration? Do you honestly think that's what love should be? To have a person jerk your strings like a puppet and have yourself respond to it like a kneejerk reaction? One day you'll realize what you went through, and perhaps also have a bit more perspective to admit to the things you may have done wrong and even encouraged in his kind of behaviour. I've no doubt you've gone through a lot. And I am not a skeptic when it comes to love. I love valentine's day with all my heart! And am a romantic sop. But, imo, this is not love, and there is no way you will realize how ridiculous he has been with you (or how ridiculous you have been holding on to something so deceitful) until you give yourself the time you need to make sense of it.
I posted that weeks ago. Sorry ... I am insane. That's it. And yeah, I use the forums to get my emotions out. It helps a lot. I'm sorry y'all have to see it ...
i hope you start feeling better. i've criticized you before on some other posts but its only because you show some reckless behavior. we are all behind you though. keep your head up.
I love criticism, as long as it's about something I'm actually doing. And I already know I'm reckless. In fact I'd be the first one to admit it. So no harm done, anybody ...
Just quit harming yourself, kid! Sunny, you've built up quite a following, so you're good for us. You give us some things to think about. I'd share my reackless behavior but it's old news and boring. Y'see! It goes away quicker 'n you think. Keep sharin'; it's good all the way around.
Believe me, I know ... heh heh ... try to stop me! :X I do think I'm more or less past that for now ... but don't take my word for it ... Thank you ... really. At the risk of sounding lame, I appreciate it. (I wasn't fishing for compliments, but I caught one ... )
