Odd Hangup ...

I'm not sure which forum to put this in ... but it's bothering me and I know that everyone seems to read this forum.


A few of my (apparently severe ) emotional problems manifest themselves as physical (mostly sexual) problems. I've become shy in bed -- even though I know what to do, I'm afraid to do it. Mostly, I cannot kiss -- whenever I try, I freeze, sometimes even panic, and have to turn away.

"Practice makes perfect" does not apply here -- I'm pretty practiced, and doing more does not seem to be helping. Plus, I've been dumped several times because I cannot kiss, and those who do stay on just give up and go straight for the fucking, so I don't really have anyone to "practice" with. :&
Since I'm pretty sure this stems from a self-esteem problem to begin with, it's not much helping my self-esteem, and the cycle keeps going ...

Is there anything (apart from counseling, which isn't my bag -- the university doesn't really offer sexual health counseling ... ) that I can do? I would really really like to be able to enjoy a good kiss.

 

Sounds like you're afraid of something. Have a bad kissing experience once and can't get it out of your mind? Think you're going to be a bad kisser, or worried about your breath, dry lips, etc.?

I think you need to practice relaxing before you practice kissing. Get comfy around your new guy/girl before you get into heavy kissing and if they ask questions, well, you're gonna have to level with them -- "I get really nervous when I'm kissing, so you might have to take your time with me." Chances are, decent people will understand that.

An alternative is, find a guy/girl friend who you can be pretty comfortable with, and who would be open to helping you practice! Has to be someone you'd be comfortable doing this with, can't be some guy/girl you pick up in a coffee shop. Someone you know you'd have no emotional attachement to, and who would be willing to just let you practice on him/her in private. Just a thought.

 

I dunno... that sounds like it could backfire to me.

I'd say when you meet someone you really want, who's gentle with you and lets you take things at your own speed, you'll get over your fear. I wish that for you.

 

Sorry to be a downer ...

Not so far ... they understand, but then give up, and that sort of defeats the purpose.

Tried that too ... but then he gave up as well and skipped straight to the sex ...
Because there is no attachment I don't want to put him on the spot with trying to "fix" me ... which isn't what I want anyone to do at all!

Regretfully that has failed once too... hopefully next time will be the charm?

I will work on the relaxing thing ... I get tense as crazy hell in that situation.

 

I think if you can't kiss him/her, you do not truly like or want to be with this person...

 

If the problem was that simple, I wouldn't want to fix it.

I actually lost the boy I wanted the most, emotionally and physically, because I froze whenever he kissed me. And I freaked out another one I wanted pretty bad ...

I think it's an issue with things touching my face. I'm fine if someone wants to touch my face with their hands, but anything else ... like kissing or oral sex or even that silly thing that people do when they feed each other off spoons ... I can't do. (I feel like an idiot, for one thing ... and then freeze up.)

 

The face is a very intimate place. It may seem odd but it can even be more intimate than the naughty bits. Also, a good kiss should be built from mutual passion and not just going through the motions of foreplay.

I can be very similar in some respects, even with my husband. Sometimes it's difficult because he's all kissy and I just want to head butt him and tell him to move on. I gotta be in a very specific mood for it to work for me.

 

its just conditioning.

just force yourself to power through until that really imminent panic feeling goes away *even if it takes half an hour.

if unable to do that sober, pop a valium or two first.

 

Dang, you're getting some bad advice around here.

You don't want to do that. Read up on state dependent learning, or SDL, for the reason why. If what you're trying to do is become dependent on a drug in order to relax when somebody else's face is close to yours, that would be a great way to do it. Otherwise, no.

If this really bothers you, you're going to have to confront it without a crutch.

 

Definitely. I'll admit, I've tried using alcohol and ... er ... other drugs (is it okay to say weed on here?) -- and they haven't worked, so I plan on flying solo next time.

And the face definitely IS more intimate to me ... doesn't sound strange to me.
As far as just going through the motions of foreplay ... I try to avoid that, because foreplay is my favorite part. :H

 

Hereby I offer you free kissing lessons.
I am a patient person, willing to help a fellow human being with a problem out. People call me an experienced kisser with soft lips and a strong, but gentle when needed, tongue.

No strings attached and success guaranteed.

 

Given that one of the forums here is titled, "Marijuana: Learn more about the amazing cannabis plant. Legalize it!" I think you're probably within the rules.

I believe you're going to be fine. In some ways, what you're describing sounds like overcoming the reflex to blink when putting in a contact lens, or when firing a gun. People get over that stuff all the time. It doesn't need to be made into any bigger a deal than it is.

 

Sweet ... I thought so too.

I didn't think it WAS a big deal, until my poet-friend -- who claimed to love me etc -- said it freaked him out ... I guess it was a big reason why he dumped me. So it started to worry me, A LOT, and then of course that became a vicious cycle.

Thanks for your support ...

And offer. :H
(If you're ever in the US, Bird, give me a call. )

 

There is nothing wrong with it if used properly.

 

True enough, but what you described would not be proper use.

Jesus, the stuff we can do to each other with little more than words.

That doesn't sound like much of a reason. I'm not sure there ever is just one single reason.

Don't take your poet-friend's reaction too personally. When you think about it, as different as we all are, the fact that anyone ever finds anyone else they really connect with is sort of a miracle.

It's probably a lot easier to do if you're shallow and superficial.

 

If you still have problems I will certainly come to the rescue. For now I wish you all the best and if I can give one suggestion; do not think, just act.

 

I'm sorry, but counselling would be my best suggestion. You say that this is a manifestation of deeper emotional issues -- so just getting to the point of being able to kiss would be like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. You may be able to keep a boyfriend, but you won't have dealt with the real problem, and it will likely manifest again in different ways (which may be similarly damaging to relationships).

Further, I don't think you should be focusing on sexual health counseling. Does your university offer any sort of counseling services, focused on emotional (rather than sexual) issues? If so, that's where I would suggest you go.

To be entirely blunt, have you been sexually assaulted? The only person I've known who had a problem similar to this could trace it directly to the fact that she was molested -- forced to kiss the mouth and penis of her abuser, an older relative -- when she was a child. Obviously, I wouldn't expect an answer on the open forum. The only reason I ask like this, tho, is because I've also known other people who display behavior which is stereotypical of sexual assault victims, and who admit to having been molested as a child and/or raped as a teen, yet refused to connect (or admit any connection between) the problem behavior with the sexual assault. So, I hope you're not offended by the question, but, considering that you're asking random strangers (who do not know the basis of your emotional issues that have led up to this) to offer advice, I think this a a valid consideration to bring up.

 

Yeah, and I have gone for counseling before ... we just talked about family-related concerns, and when I mentioned my relationship troubles I was referred to Campus Sexual Assault Services. SAS sent me back to my original counselor because she and I had "already developed a rapport" ... and besides, I felt bad taking time away from people who I feel need more help than I do.

I'm not offended at all, and I don't mind admitting that I technically was sexually assaulted at one point -- but it wasn't a big deal, just a make-out session that turned into more than I'd really anticipated. I hate using it as a crutch for my problems; I blame my mild autism more than I do this one incident, and even that makes me feel like a cop-out. :&

I know -- I want to get to the bottom of the problem, and I think treating the symptoms would be a good start. It would certainly make me feel like less of a failed human being -- and that would at least end the vicious cycle.

 

Now we get the critical piece of information!

Sorry. Autism is not funny. But learning that detail at this point kind of was.

 

Haha! Autism IS funny.
I am so high-functioning that I didn't think it was important to mention ... plus I wanted to hear the advice y'all would give to someone who DIDN'T have a bizarre interpersonal disorder.