Odd Hangup ...

~

 

I think there is a HUGE difference between using something as a crutch or cop-out and acknowledging that something is at the root of a problem. If you were using this as a crutch, you would be saying "but, I can't kiss because of this... and I can't do this because of it... and I can't do that because of it...". You're looking for a way to fix the problem, not lean on the problem as your excuse for every OTHER problem in your life.

As for feeling bad about taking up time -- are your school's counselling services THAT overworked? Or is that just an excuse for not going back? They are there for you. That's their job. You're not going in because you had a bad day or some silliness. Trust me, people go in for silly shit -- you're not one of them, and you're doing the counselor a favor if you crowd those people out!

As for how to proceed, I think the mild autism is very relevant. If the issue were just a matter of a result of sexual assault, I would say you should definitely treat the root, not the symptom (the symptom will follow as you heal). This girl I used to know fairly well tried to handle it on her own, got past the obvious symptoms, can now enjoy sex and all of that... She tells people she's fine, doesn't need counseling. Except, I have yet to see her in what I would consider a reasonably healthy relationship. She keeps getting into these weird dysfunctional things, accepting far less than she should expect (in terms of how he treats her). It's hard to explain without going into a big long spiel, but in many ways she has all the stereotypes of a sexual assault victim who hasn't dealt with the real, inner trauma, tho she has gotten over the symptoms that bothered her.

On the other hand, as you say you think it has more to do with your mild autism, well, I have no idea what is best in that regard. Is your normal treatment for other emotional issues to just get past it, like treating a phobia by facing your fears, or do you normally work on the basis before treating the symptoms? What does one do to get mild autism under control?

 

It probably is important, though. I remember seeing a documentary about one of the foremost animal enclosure designers in the U.S. She's a high-functioning autistic, and doesn't really like to be touched. However, she has an uncanny ability to understand what animals need.

Although she doesn't like human contact, she likes to be cocooned. It makes her feel secure, and settles her down when sensory bombardment gets to be too much, so she built a machine that cocoons her. It's a big, hydraulic clamshell device that closes around her, with rubber diaphragms that inflate to hug her body. The controls are positioned so she can let herself out when she feels centered enough to rejoin the world of human interaction.

Not saying you need one of those machines. I just thought it was interesting.

 

My psych prof said he used it in severe cases of phobias for systematic desensitization.

 

Autism has a tendency to make touching a bad thing. Just like many people with Downs Syndrome are overly affectionate. I would say that the autism is causing some of your issues, and maybe a doctor or counselor can give you suggestions on how to manage things.


I wish that there was some magical phrase that would make it all better for you.

 

This isn't a phobia.

 

When I was a baby, I hated physical touch, just plain hated it. No one really touched me at all until I was a teenager -- maybe thirteen years old. After that point I realized that I really like human contact ... sure, I get a little stiff at first when people touch me, but once I realize it's someone I like, immediately relax.

As for counseling: I think it's a marvelous idea for almost everyone else in the world, but after having about fifteen years' worth of it myself ... well, I'm not so sure it's what I need right now. Counselors tend to lock into the fact that I have mild autism-spectrum symptoms and then forget the fact that I am a human being who has problems unrelated to a slight interpersonal disorder. :& It can be very dehumanizing, and downright patronizing. I now think of the counseling experience like the various prescriptions that I've been on ... I'll go back if I absolutely have to, but it's more like a band-aid than anything useful in solving anything. My intense studies of human psychology explain more for me than any counselor ever has.

Heh ... sounds a lot like me. But I've always been like that, which I guess is actually why I ended up being sexually assaulted. From my studies I can probably deduce that it stems from my lack of affection in childhood ... haha! can you tell I'm kind of making fun of psychology?

I've cured all of my other fears by directly facing the symptoms. Like, for my fear of heights -- I went out into the middle of a bridge and sat on the railing with my feet dangling off it, for hours until I stopped hyperventilating. I have been trying to take the same approach here.

To be honest, I said this to make fun of myself, and divert attention away from the fact that I admitted sexual assault. I felt that being autistic was more of a problem than having been sexually assaulted, but I also felt that being autistic was hardly a problem at all in this case. In other words, I'd made a pie chart of the roots of my problems -- 5% assault, 10% disorder, 85% freaky hangup.
I might be wrong though ... now that I can cough up my pride and think rationally, it is looking more and more like that one incident might has a LOT more to do with my problem than I'd been willing to admit.
Especially considering that the ordinary panic attack I had during a casual encounter last week, was really a flashback in disguise.

So, let me revamp my question:
How would one advise a girl who has been sexually assaulted to get over her fear of intimacy? (Not sex -- intimacy.)

 

Okay, I think I am just going to keep trying to desensitize myself. Since I don't have any problem with me touching my face, the trick now is finding someone who has a mite of patience for "warming me up."

Weed helps, I must admit. I actually enjoy (rather than just tolerate) sex when I have been smoking some, so I think a regimen of cannabis and desensitization ought to help me a lot.

I just want to be able to act like a normal (relative term), functioning human being ... which will do wonders for my self esteem and hopefully snap me out of this weirdness.

Any extra advice will still be appreciated ... and I might post any improvements.

 

talking about what happened should help. Admitting to it is usually the first step in healing from it. Admitting that it has affected you is the best way to get past it. so find someone you can talk to about it. For many people, therapists are the best solution because you can tell them anything knowing good and well that they can't tell anyone else what you say to them.


I would suggest you look at these symptoms as a sign that you probably should not be in a sexual relationship at all right now. Take care of yourself first. If your friend is really your friend, he won't mind not having sex with you while you work things out in your head. If he's not your friend, you shouldn't fuck him in the first place anyway. You already know that your recent string of unhealthy relationships are because you are blaming yourself in some way for what someone else did to you. It wasn't your fault. It doesn't matter if you were sexually active before it happened, or if you had multiple partners. If you said no, and he did it anyway, that makes it rape.

 

Well, I dunno ... I think it might have been a mistake to bring history into this. The incident was a long time ago and I have had successful sex since then. It's just that I have not been able to kiss anyone, and it's caused a lot of problems for me -- a lot of self-doubt, hopelessness, so forth.

I don't care what the cause is. I just want to be able to kiss someone, because I think it would be quite good for my mental health and general emotional well-being.

 

I don't. I think it answers all of the questions you have been asking recently. It's easier for me to look back on my past and see how it affected me, from a distance of many years. You'll have to trust me on this one, or not. That's entirely up to you. But if you keep denying the impact sexual abuse has had on you, you won't ever get better. If you can't learn from the past, you will continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over again, and you will continue to be drawn into unhealthy relationships rather than finding peace within yourself and allowing yourself to love and be loved. Go ahead, keep telling yourself you don't want to be loved until you believe it, but it still won't be true.

 

​

Thanks, Mamaboogie.​

I have to say, you are right. I guess I've just been trying to take the "easy way out" because being loved has hurt a lot in the past. But as it turns out, the "easy way out" ain't so easy at all ...

 

Explain to me exactly how this isn't a phobia.

And I know Wikipedia isn't a perfect source, but all my textbooks are in storage for the summer.

 

Because she keeps describing her reaction as "freezing." She doesn't describe anything I associate with phobias, like fleeing, crying, trembling, shortness of breath, or her heart slamming in her chest. She says she sometimes feels panic, not every time.

But I figure we've detracted from Suncatch22's thread enough at this point. That's my last word on the subject of phobic reactions.

 

This had to come from a bad experience and then became a bad program. Many guys go thru this with sexual performance. They might be drunk and can't perform and the partner says WELL DOES THIS HAPPEN OFTEN? Then the guy starts to freak out and next time has it on his mind and yup-nothing happening. So then it's a bad program. The good news is you can REPROGRAM anything! So find a good Hypnotherapist who would make you a cd to REPROGRAM it to a BETTER PROGRAM. If you can't find one PM me OK?
Everyone deserves to kiss and feel that very special thing that we all do but if lost is a sad thing. Hang in there OK?

 

If the Mind can be held in check to not aggravate things
sometimes all that's required for the 'reprogramming' is
the right person and the right situation.

One refrequently doesn't see either until after the fact.


Yep, have tees...

 

I hope so ... and tell me about it!

 

Once more I've been dumped because I cannot kiss. This is really getting me down. I feel like I've been mind-raped by my frigging poet -- if he hadn't planted this seed of doubt maybe I would be able to reprogram.

 

Implied was keeping the Faith in the interim...