i desperatly need some advice on something complex...

Background info first:
One of my closest friends is Mike. We have faded in and out of eachothers lives since 8th grade (we are now sophmores in college). We recently started talking and hanging out again. Since we met, I have liked him on and off. I really like him now (or maybe i never stopped?). He has never returned my feelings and I have come to accept that. Right now he is not aware how I feel towards him and even if he was, he dosent want a relationship right now so i dont think there would be any point in telling him.

Here and Now:
1)We are closer than ever and tell eachother everything. I dont want to ruin the status I have finally reached with him.

2)Recently, we decided to become friends with benefits. (I can honestly say that I can have sex with out becoming attached. So i know its not the fact we had sex that has drawn me to like him more) He told me that if I hook up or do whatever with other people I am not required to tell him.


3) Last night I made a stupid decision and slept with his best friend, Will. I dont have an excuse I know its wrong i was completley sober and concious of the choice I was making.

4) Mike dosent have that much confidence and from what he has heard Will is much better and biger than him so i know that if i tell him it will definatley bring him down weather he admits it or not.

5)We all hung out the other night and Will was all over me and Mike seemed to be cool with it. Will told me Mike knew his intetions, which I honestly believe he did.

So now i feel guilty like I have to tell Mike (before Will does, if he does)but he is going through so much right now and dont think he needs the added stress. Mike is trying to distance himself from Will right now for other reasons. Do I tell him? I think I should but i dont want to hurt him. If I should what exactly do I say?

i dont know... I am a complete idiot and I am completley lost I dont know what to do and I dont know if this makes sense to anyone out there either.

Please dont reply telling me im a whore and I shouldnt have done that and whatnot because its too late I cant take it back and now I just need help fixing the situation.

 

You're not a whore, don't worry. You messed up, and everyone does that.

I don't know what to tell you, as when I was in a similar situation it ended VERY badly ... but I do want to offer you my support.

 

No you're not a whore. As to what you should do, that's a tough one. I'd say tell him, but as to what to say, I'm pretty cluless. Just that you've something serious to tell him, and if he gets upset afterwards, appologise but say you had to be honest and explain also that Will told you he knew of his intentions too...

Hope that helps and good luck.

 

I know i need to tell him, i plan to tonight, i just dont know how he will take it. I know he wont get mad but i am scard he will be really sad wheather he shows it or not. Am I making a bigger deal of this than it is?

 

First, why are you putting yourself in such a torturous position as to be friends with benefits with some guy who you are pining away for but can't really have (as more than a fuckbuddy, anyway)? No, I wouldn't criticize you for having casual sex -- I just question whether this particular situation is more damaging for you emotionally than it is worth.

No, you don't tell him everything. If you did, he would know how you feel about him.

You can do whatever with other people and are not required to tell him. Do you realize what it means when a man tells you that? It means that you are not the only girl he plans to fuck or is fucking. It means that he's not going to tell you about his other "friends". So, to be fair, you don't have to tell him about yours.

Why was that wrong? You are not in an exclusive relationship of any sort. Your fuckbuddy has basically told you that he doesn't want to know who else you're with. He doesn't care. You are just a fuckbuddy, he doesn't want a relationship. So what is wrong about having sex with someone else?

He doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't care who else you fuck (doesn't even want you to tell him). He is likely fucking other people as well. So please explain why you feel guilty, or why you feel the need to tell him info he has told you he doesn't want to know?

 

i feel guitly because its his BEST friend. Also He told me im not required but if i want to I can tell him. I know for a fact he is not fucking anyone else even though there are many girls he openly would like to.

 

You didn't cheat on Mike and you know it. He was cool with Will being all over you and he knew Will's intentions. He was cool sharing you with his best friend.

My guess is you are feeling guilty about Will because you want to be in an exclusive relationship with Mike. The part of your head that is driven by hope (or fantasy) is saying I'm Mike's GF. Sleeping with Will is cheating. Your conshance (sp?) listens to both your thinking head and your hoping head. The fact that you are hiding something from Mike (your feelings about him) adds to your guilty feeling.

Perhaps you should rethink your friend-with-benifits relationship with Mike. Your hope that you and Mike grow closer might make FWB a bad idea at this time.

 

so then, should i just tell him how i feel about him?

 

so then, should i just tell him how i feel about him?nd if so how exactly do i do that?

 

so then, should i just tell him how i feel about him?and if so how exactly do i do that without being way too blunt?

 

so then, should i just tell him how i feel about him?and if so how exactly do i do that without being way too blunt?

 

If you have enough time for a conversation, then there is no such thing as "too blunt".

I don't know your relationship with Mike, but make sure that he understands that you are not saying
"I feel....., therefore you must .......". No one can be upset if someone tells them "You are special to me". They can be upset if they feel obligated to return those feelings.

 

As I was reading this the first thing that came to mind is that Mike already knows that you slept with his friend. There is a good chance that Will talked to Mike and got his "consent" before it happened. The dead giveaway was Will saying Mike knew his intentions....read that "hey I cleared it with Mike to screw you" not trying to be tacky, but no real polite way to say it.

So, if you are wondering if Mike will return your feelings you might want to think about Will telling you that Mike knew his intentions. If Mike had feelings for you (beyond sex)he may not have told his friend no (dont want to seem like a wuss to the guys ya know) but he would have made it impossible for the situation to happen (like getting Will drunk, or being the third wheel so you would not be alone with Will, etc)

I may be way off base in my opinion, but then again maybe i'm not. I am not trying to come off as negative or rude and hope it is not taken that way. I don't know the whole story, and am only answering from the facts presented.

 

Eden, I agree with your post up to this point. I agree that Mike already knows what happened with Will, probably preemptively, but I'm not so certain he would have made the situation impossible even if he had feelings for lakeoffire.

Not to say that he does ... like everybody, I don't know the whole situation either, and I don't want to get Fire's hopes up ... but at the same time there are a lot of variables to consider.

 

I dont think Mike know because I dont think Will told him Mike has been avoiding Will for other reasons and if he knew he would ask me about it. Also, Mike didnt know that i was hanging out with Will until after it happened because he was at work.

What variables are there to consider? How can i find out if he likes me without being obvious?

 

By variables I meant, what the parties involved actually feel ... that can get tricky. :&

 

As others have said, you're not a whore. We all do things like this sometimes. I don't presume to know what steers your morality, but if you feel bad you might have offended it - don't beat yourself up for doing something that makes you feel bad, just grow and learn from the experience.

Take the time to explore your own feelings over all this, then work out which aspects of your feelings affect which people and tell them straight up. To be open and honest is the best thing you can do - anything else is too manipulative, and that includes playing yourself.

Stay strong in the struggle.

 

you know, I think you are overcomplicating matters your own self. It's really simple. Will digs you. Face it, Mike doesn't. Will wants to hook up with you. Why not give Will a chance? Forget about Mike and don't worry about how he feels, because he doesn't really care, you know? You don't owe Mike an explanation, nor an apology. He'll find out soon enough, whether he already knows or not. You want to think he'll be upset, but chances are he would be happy for you and Will instead.

 

So what sorts of reasons are causing Mike to avoid Will? Does Mike owe Will money, or did he have sex with Will's gf? OR, is there something shady that Will did, so that Mike no longer wants to be invoved in that sort of situation?

I ask because, if Will did something shady, or can never stand to be sober, or any other problematic type of thing, I could see Mike being upset as a FRIEND, not wanting you to get too involved with an asshole. But don't construe that to mean Mike must like you as more than a friend.

But Mike was there while you were hanging out, while Will was all over you, before you fucked Will, right? Sounds like he had plenty of time to come up with something. Face it -- he didn't care.

You can keep playing child's games, or you can just flat out ask him. Frankly, I would cut off the sex until/unless he's ready to be in a relationship, because your feelings are far too strong for him to be JUST a fuckbuddy. And, if that means you two are never more than platonic friends, well, that answers your question, doesn't it?

 

yes will did something shady and we think it has to do with coke at mikes house. Also Will dosent like me in that way he is a player. I bet mike dosent like me either. but whatever i guess i will somehow get over this