Hi everyone, I could use some advice please. The last time my in laws were in town my mother in law and I got into a huge arguement. Well, actually, it was a passive aggressive arguement that went through my boyfriend. She claims that I told her to get out of our house, but I never said that. She may have felt uncomfortable because it wasn't her house, but I did everything I could to make them feel at home. I went out of my way to make them welcome. Hell, it was my idea that they come up and stay with us to begin with. In any event, she won't speak to me now, and she keeps making nasty snide remarks behind my back. For example I tried to extend another invitation to a crab/going away party for my boyfriend and I as we are moving far away. While her husband wanted to come, she just yelled in the background, "I'm not going up there because I sure can't spend the night". I was thinking, "what in the world is wrong with her." Anyway, this is really not even my point. Sunday, my in laws are supposed to come up again. I haven't talked to them since the initial incident because she won't talk to me and she expects me to apologize for something I didn't do. Not only that but she told my boyfriend that she is the Alpha dog and I have to do everything she says. Whatever that means. She is seriously threatened by me and I don't know what to do about it. It is getting to the point though, where she is making things up that don't happen and creating all sorts of drama that we don't need or want right now. She thinks that I'm keeping my boyfriend from his family, which I most certainly am not (he has a very weird schedule with his job and has very little time off due to rotating shift work over night). He has tried explaining this to them, but they simply don't want to hear anything except what they already believe. I understand that these are her problems to eventually have to work out, however, I do not know how to deal with a person such as her. I don't know what to say or do when they get here. It is very awkward. I don't really want to apologize because I swear I did not tell her to leave my home, and I feel like if I give in at this point she will keep making up stories and walk all over me. At the same time I don't want to fight with the woman. And for my boyfriend's sake I'd like to get along with her. I get along with my boyfriend's dad just fine, and he has come out and said that she has gone overboard, yet he is afraid to stand up to her or take my side at all in the situation because he has to live with her and she will make his life even more hell than she already makes it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I don't have much time to figure this out.
Little dead bear,Someone once told me how to treat folks who are,shall we say"out of balance".He said treat them as nice as possible ,no matter what crap they stir up--it'll drive 'em fuckin'crazy.The nastier they are,the nicer you get.Look at them as afflicted.It's VERY hard to do and one certainly doesn't want to be a door mat--but it really works.Everyone around the situation will soon see who's wrong.Good luck-----------Oh--and don't forget the magic word---WHY?Use why very innocently when people cross you--it's really interesting to see people stutter and bluster around when asked why they did something.The trick is to remain utterly nice ,like with a smile on your face--"why did you say that?"Why did you do that"?Hope it works for you.
Thanks, I'm always nice to her. As nice as I can be. That is what I was doing last time they came up. Sweet as pie. And she flipped out and made up some outlandish story about me kicking them out. This is why I don't know how to deal with the bitch. She is seriously out there in her own little world. My boyfriend wants us to get along, so he won't get in the middle. I just really don't know what to say to her at this point.
Boundaries. she is trying to draw you into her crazymaking. Just continue on doing what you think is right and don't take on any ownership of her wacked out replies. I agree with scratcho, asking why or letting some silence (hopefully uncomfortable silence, for her) take place after one of her rude comments. She will probably scramble to fill the silence, either digging her self in deeper, or trying to make amends. Try to never be alone with her. Whoever is telling you that she is talking about you behind your back, tell them to stop telling you about it. She wants to upset people. My MIL is the same way, and we have finally come to a general understanding. Sometimes I get up and leave the room when she talks crazy, and sometimes I say something to her. But I dont get upset. Everyone in our family realizes she is crazy, so no one pays much attention to what she says anyway.
You’ve got a momster-in-law, not a mother in law. Everything Yarrow Sun said is true… “crazymaking” is the perfect word to describe those actions. This is my theory: whenever someone MIL cares about does anything that makes her feel bad, she has to displace those feelings… someone has to be held accountable for it, and it can never ever be her. In this situation, it’s you. In her mind, you’re more important to her son than she is, and you’re taking him away to another state, so therefore you’re the devil and she needs the whole world to know this to validate her feelings. Don’t take it personally. Accept this as fact, and set up firm boundaries so that when she starts acting out like this, you don’t rise up to the bait or engage her in any way. Leave the drama where it begins: with her.
