What is conservatism? Conservatism, as the term is used in American culture, refers to a political philosophy primarily characterized by a belief in radical and drastic political, social, economic, and religious change. This is in contrast with liberalism, which is presently working feverishly to maintain the status quo and prevent the drastic transformation of society envisioned by conservatives. While the particulars of conservatism can vary somewhat, certain positions are generally accepted as the tenets of conservatism. The list below contains just a few examples, and is not meant to be a complete list. Transformation of Society The primary goal of conservatism is to bring about radical changes in political, social, economic, and religious ideas. In cases where these ideas are found to be harmful to the public interest, they seek to force the issue via harsh new laws and enforcement methods. For instance, on the abortion issue, conservatives seek drastic change through public attitudes, disruption of family planning services through threats and acts of violence, and via legislation and the courts. Liberals, meanwhile, work to keep things as they have been in recent generations. Collective versus individual rights Conservatism, almost as a rule, tends to favor corporate rights over individual rights. For instance, a corporation that seeks to contaminate groundwater would be regarded as more important than the "bleeding heart liberal environmentalist wacko" who work to prevent the poison from being dumped into the wellwater because they don't want their kids to be poisoned. National Interests While liberals generally tend to believe that "what's good for all humankind is good for us as well," conservatives tend to support the interests of foreign nations when it comes to national policy. For instance, the leader of today's conservative movement, George W. Bush, argues that the interests of "the Iraqi people" should be considered as more important than the families of American soldiers getting shot to fuck over there. However, Republicans at least strive to balance that by seeing to it that we create policies that kill a great many brown, arabic-looking people overseas as well. Fiscal Concerns Convervatism is generally characterized by a strong belief in fiscal irresponsibility, generally in the form of spending more than is taken in. While liberals tend towards controlled spending, conservatives believe that spending more than you have is actually a good thing, as evidenced by today's White House and Congressional policies. Conservatives are not at all comfortable with "paying as you go," but rather, tend to borrow when funds are short, a method they often call "fucking the kids." Throwing money at problems Conservatives believe that being reckless with money is a good thing, so long as large corporations- whether American or foreign- get the big bucks. A typical example is Halliburton, which provides goods and services to both American soldiers overseas, and to enemy foreign interests (Halliburton's aid to Iran's military, for instance). Morality and Crime Conservatives tend to favor "sin," immorality, illegal activities, and the sorts of excesses that accompany unreasonable amounts of political power. Whether you're talking about former Republican congressman Buzz Lukens's pedophilia, Jack Abramoff's fraud convictions, Tom Delay's criminal conspiracy charges, Claude Allen's $5000 shoplifting spree, Bob Ney's bribery scandal, James Tobin's conviction for committing crimes related to interfering with an election, or Vice President Cheney's habit of sodomizing the rectums of 5 year old boys- their lack of moral foundation is always appalling. Science While liberals generally believe in the scientific method, direct observation, logical deduction, and reason, conservatism is rooted firmly in superstition. Conservatives are steadfastly suspicious of science in general, and believe that nearly all problems of humanity can be solved by reading/believing legends contrived by middle-eastern goat herders. Christianity While liberals are often unmoved by religion, Christianity is very much at the heart of conservatism. This isn't surprising. Christianity offers a unique approach to life for conservatives: no matter how heinous your crimes against humanity, you can simply "find Jesus" and all your crimes are forgiven. Their rituals underscore this complete lack of moral fiber- for instance, Xians practice ritual cannibalism and vampirism, pretending to eat the corpse and drink the blood of a pacifist who, they believe, thereby "saves" them. War-Ons Republican "war-ons" tend to simplify public issues to a point where the only answer then can offer is a "war-on" mentality. Drug dealers competing with big tobacco and alcohol? Declare a "war on drugs." Brown foreign people got ya too scared to sleep at night? How 'bout a "war on terror?" One thing you can always be sure of: show me a republican, and I'll show you one real war-on. Symbol-mindedness Conservatives love symbols. Never mind reality, just slap a yellow ribbon on your gas-guzzler, and we'll pretend you didn't evade the draft in '67. It's the symbol that matters. The phrase "send a message" and "sends the wrong message" is required in all speeches by conservatives. Other conservative symbols include the flag, puppy dogs, apple pie, flaming crosses, riot gear, and domestic spying. Death One thing is sure- a dead conservative is no longer a danger to the survival of the human species, as long as you're really absolutely positively sure the bastard is totally fucking dead. It's generally advised to wait until the corpse begins to rot before burying it, and once buried, make sure the dirt is pounded down really really REALLY good and that grass is growing atop it. Still, to be safe, dancing upon the grave is recommended. If you're unable to dance on the grave, it's strongly recommended that you at least crawl across it repeatedly. PS - Sorry about the editing, and the weird text colors in places. I composed this in a weird text editor that did a few things I didn't expect. I wrote this rather hastily as well, so it's not even slightly polished. And now I must run...
Thank you, Sun Lion, that made my day. I could actually hear George Carlin reciting this...perhaps you should send it too him and he can use it in one of his performances.
Why do people insist on lumping conservatism with Republicanism, which are two entirely different things? Nothing you described above accurately described true conservatives, except the part dealing with religion. Calling Bush a conservative is like calling me an underwear model. This is just more feeble-minded rhetoric that does more to polarize the masses, which is only contributing to the problem in this country. Don't we have enough half-assed crap like this spewing from every dime-a-dozen pundit on both sides of the controlled debate? How is this shit any different from the jingoistic crap people like Ann Coulter put out there for idiots to read? Maybe if people knew that Bush WASN'T a conservative, and that the people voting for him are dupes, it would at least help to wake them up. Keep in mind, Bush has spent more than any president before him. You call that conservative? Oh, and the religion thing is just a front to win votes and dupe people into thinking he is a man of morals when he is anything but. Bush is about as Christian as Anton LeVay. Bush is a member of Skull & Bones and Bohemian Grove, which are the antithesis of anything "Christian."
Jeebus Christwagons, Matt!! Do you have to fight and be negative about everything??? Can't you just read something and laugh? My god, lighten the fuck up.
Cynical_Otter, thanks a million, that's quite a nice thing to say. I was writing it with "an attitude" but I didn't actually compose it with Carlin in mind, but when I envisioned him working it... LOL. I'd happily contribute it to dat brutha.
Why do people insist on lumping conservatism with Republicanism, which are two entirely different things? I could argue your point of view too (I have, come to think of it), and I agree with you that Republicans, once elected, do not act as conservatives. But are not held accountable for this, and in most “conservative districts” the Republican incumbant can be sure of re-election. Conservatism and the Republican Party are undeniably tied together strongly. One is the inner shell, the man behind the curtain; the other the outer shell, a whole industry of public relations professionals. It's the same moneypile, the same media/church advocates etc. The same political machines and think-tanks and PACs and televangelists for the most part. But one is only encapsulated in the other like a virus. At this point, the host is accommodating, and it looks like a long-term symbiotic relationship. True conservatism is really dead. It's now little more than “what Republicans say to get elected.” But no one is really held accountable for anything in the Republican machine, and yet still, something around 30-40 percent of the American public (including the vast majority of people who claim to believe in conservative values- and their PACs and corporate sponsors and hate-radio call-in show hosts) stick with Republicans no matter what. Nothing you described above accurately described true conservatives, except the part dealing with religion. Calling Bush a conservative is like calling me an underwear model. I would agree, but add that conservatism is just the bait, and the Republican Party the hook. I must quote Chong on this one, though he was talking about something else, lawd knows what: “They're different, you know? But like, the same.” You're correctly arguing that a piece of bait and the hook inside are separate items. I'm saying that they work as a single cohesive and effective unit. How is this shit any different from the jingoistic crap people like Ann Coulter put out there for idiots to read? Mine made someone laugh ??? (thanks again CO) Keep in mind, Bush has spent more than any president before him. You call that conservative? No, but Rush Limbaugh does. And he has more listeners than I do. So why do the vast majority of those who claim to believe in “real conservative values” always support people who actually work against those “values?” The line “God, guns, and gays” oversimplifies, of course, but that's really about what it comes down to. Republicans and conservatives, whatever their differences, are seen by people of "real conservative values" as the one force strong enough to actively fight what they see as the gay atheist gun-banning terrorist-supporters.
A lack of knowledge combined with a bias that big is a dangerous thing. I'll give you a hint - Conservatism implies the exact opposite of "belief in radical and drastic political, social, economic, and religious change." You might as well add "eating babies" onto that list.
Ha... I just wanted to see Matt as an underwear model. Well, that and I would have to agree that people do tend to generalize a little too much these days. I mean I really hate being called "liberal" now, because I'm just me and I just have an opinion on everything, and sometimes it is liberal and sometimes it is not. Everything isn't always so black and white as some people like to believe. My initial reaction to the thread was why the fuck does it matter what we call each other, but sunlion, you made me laugh too. And I do see the point.
