I would like to give this letter up,because I can't,won't and never will give it to the person it is meant for..I have to get this off of my chest..So please exuse me,ya'll..I mean,this is true confessions after all? .................................................................................................... I cant do this anymore. Being away from you, is killing me. My paranoia, is numbing me. . My doubts of you, are sickening to me.. I find it so terribly hard to believe that you only want me.. No, I don't think so. It may hurt you, but I apologize, because this is hurting me far greater than it is hurting you.. These thoughts of mine, of you, are hurtful. If you have no time to write me a goddamn lousy text message,to even say hi,then you'd have no time to sign onto that goddamned messanger at so many times of the day..And we both know you do.. Then you have the nerve to tell me I am not sweet to you..Then I am, and this is how you re-pay me. By ignoring me, blowing me off, not calling me..Is that how you show me you love me ? Because there are ways,to show me.And this is it? This is what you do? How you show me? Everytime you talk to some young girl, it causes some deep pain in me.Emotionally wrecks me. The reason is because,I think you are looking for someone else to love..that is it right there,and I said it directly that is what I feel. I do not apologize nor,hide my feelings..It is what I feel,and I shall not be ashamed of that. And I won't cover up that,nor defend that. I was very entirely happy all day. .I was happy with my blues,and laughing every other second of every hour of this day. I had such a good day. The bad thing about it, was I was thinking about you so deep in thought. .Thinking about you in every aspect. Besides my laughter, the happiness I was feeling was ,I expected to come home and receive a letter from you, a phone call from you..You couldn't even drop by my house to say hi??? But no. But nothing. But not even a goddamn thank you for the fucking song I burnt for you,that I thought you would like and I thought would make you happy. I spent an hour of my time & life listening to many Lightnin' Hopkins songs, thinking which one you would like better.Burning them onto a c.d. for you, And you don't bother to give me the least bit of satisfaction..What about the past 2 goddamned songs I gave you? the prison song, and the 'come on in this house' by junior wells..No thank you? Why? You hate it? So...? I have disliked many things you have given to me ,and I still have said thank you,out of respect,and politeness,and manners..That is how I am.You do not do this to someone you claim to love, and then you have the fucking goddamned nerve to tell me you want to spend your fucking pathetic life with me..Why?So you could lie to me and make me miserable and cheat on me? Sorry,I can do better..And I will.. You don't even bother to write a goddamned abbreviation 'thnx'even in the most impersonal manner,a text message..not even write a letter and drop it by my house..Not even that. Nothing, silence, solitude. . I just don't know why you don't have the balls to ask me what you want from me. If you wanted to merely have sex with me,or video-tape me naked,or use me in a sex-ring, or murder me,tell me your wishes. Be honest and direct with me.. I don't know why you had to have sugar-coated everything...lie like that..play with my emotions.. Maybe , I thought, maybe it thrills you to play with emotions..Maybe you have a troubled past,and that is what gives you gratitude..To use (fuck you) girls or young girls..lie (asshole)to them,see how far you can(HIJO DE PUTA) get with a girl. Maybe that's it. Maybe you just have wanted to see (son of a bitch)how far saying you loved me and want to spend your life with me would take you with me..Maybe like a thrill or a game. Maybe you try this method on various women,to see how many follow these ridiculous lies.. Lie..The worst thing you can do to me,besides physically harm me.Trick me. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? W hy ? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?Why?Why?Why? Why,? Why, just tell me the truth? If you wanted me for harm,or something sadistic, tell me, just be honest,so I know what would happen to me..If you were lying for a thrill..Just tell me, just be honest..So I know the truth,just stop it somehow.. Stop it sometime, somewhere,someplace,just stop the lies..And be honest,and give me truth, Is all I ask,I'll bow on my knees .Just tell me the goddamned truth, just stop the pain,and just stop the lies, to stop this pain. I'm asking you sincerely, from one soul to another soul, from the goodness in you, just tell me the truth. To stop the pain. My desire, deeply,is I wish to be safe..I wish to not be emotionally or physically harmed from you. Just the misty tears streaming down my face.And the forlorn bell slide,and the desperation of this man calling out to his lost woman..Lost, you are lost to me..I didn't even ever have you.Nor were you ever mine. Because to me, you have been many others',but never mine.. ......Then you have the nerve to talk to 19 year olds,or .21 year olds, those within your age-range.. ..I feel mighty sorry for those poor girls..
I'm 18 and a half.. I don't want to send him this message..it's personal. The thing is,I think he wants to be lovin' other women..That is just what I think, I dont know if it's true,but I think that way.. He hurts me so bad. Repeatedly. Emotionally,not physically..
