question to the girls

after been in a serious relationship for 14 years house the works, how long would you think it would take to get back on the dating scence truthful answers please( this is the male partner who still deeply loves her and wants her back been 5 weeks). thank you

 

I'm not sure I understand the question. Are you asking how long it should take you or how long it will take her? If it is you, really who knows. If it is her and she doesn't want to get back with you, then it could be soon. It depends on the people and the situation. I personally believe in getting back on the horse and trying for love again. I mean sure I'd be completely devistated if Jer and I broke up (not that I can imagine that ever happening) but I still believe in love and finding it and that there are many many people who come and go in our lives and can bring us different things who we learn different lessons from. Think of that as a chapter in your book of life. Now it is over. If you are ready, then go ahead and try dating, you never know, maybe it will help you to either get over her, or find a way to bring the two of you closer if that is what is meant to be.

Good luck.

 

http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/are_you_over_it.html

i found this article after a very difficult breakup from a very long-term relationship last year. at the time it served as a beacon of hope to me that one day i might get to that place where i'd be happy without him being the center of my life - it gave me some perspective on the fact that it wasn't the end of the world and in fact, things could, and would, get better for me. i just had to live through the grief first.

i've been single just shy of a year now, and while i still have my little pangs of sadness from time to time (i do still love him (although i'm not sure i'm IN love anymore), but i've accepted that we can't be together because we aren't right for each other), i can tell i'm pretty much over it now. of course, i wasn't with him for 14 years...that's a tough thing to go through right now.

the best thing you can do now is just to treat yourself really, really nicely. keep doing the stuff you love to do, but at your own pace (it can be hard to make yourself even leave the house when you're in mourning). also it might help to do things you used to enjoy before your life with your ex that you stopped doing in the relationship; this was really empowering to me - one of the first things i did was to plan a camping trip with some of my girlfriends. my ex hated primitive camping ("camping" to him was a campground with electric hookup and showers) and i didn't get an opportunity to do it for years. it felt good to do something that i never got to do when we were together - i was asserting to myself the value of my newfound independence.

hang out with your friends. seriously, if you don't want to be alone, their presence can be so comforting; don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. most people who care that deeply about you will be over in a heartbeat to provide you with companionship and distraction. i even got to the point where i asked friends to stay the night with me so i wouldn't get lonely.

be sure to let them know that you don't want them to badmouth your ex, though.
i had to lay down the law with my friends that i do not hate my ex, i just want to get over him, and i'd rather they not say bad things about him. i still had a great desire to be his friend (which luckily has worked out after a lot of time and patience, and us learning how to be adults about it), and i didn't need my friends bashing him because i still cared (and still do) deeply for him. people badmouthing your ex won't help you get over her, and i'm sure you know that. just make sure the friends in your life know why and how you broke up so they don't say mean things about her, because that can actually make you feel worse.

i went through so many ups and downs after the breakup - it was crazy. i had days where i felt great, then the next day something would remind me of my lost love and i'd freak out and start bawling. i also had days of intense anger aimed at him, where i felt great resentment for things that i felt he did wrong in the relationship. i couldn't listen to anything but funk music for a couple of months because every song i listened to would remind me and him and our relationship. funk is happy and upbeat and usually not about love or anything like that, so it didn't make me sad. practically all the other music i liked (save the stuff with a more political bent) made me miss him so much.

breaking up hurts. heartbreak definitely sucks. but just remember, even after the longest-running relationship, your heart can be capable of bouncing back. i would not date yet. it sounds like you're not even close to being ready. i mean, i've been single almost a year and I'M not even ready yet. it may take you anywhere from a year to a few years before you'll be ready to take that plunge again. your first priority right now should be you, your life, and your long-term happiness and well-being. lean on your friends and family if you need to (if they care about you, they will be more than willing to help you out), try to do things you like, pamper yourself, and with a little time, things will be good again.

*HUGS*

 

There's no set time on that. It's really up to her. If it's you who still loves her and you're wondering how long you should wait, though, I'd say until you are well adn truly over her...

 

thank you for your response,s and a very big thank you to "sea of grass" what you said was all true. I,m talking to strangers more than i can talk to somebody else. Deep down i know she has feelings for me and that is the reason she stays away (because i probaly could talk her round to coming back to me i think). I really do pine for her and am lost without her if she could only see this, its got to point were i have voluteered for a job in IRAQ ,because i am not scared of anything apart from not been with her.I am sad i know it.

 

14 years is a long time. Well, perhaps being in Iraq will open up your eyes to a lot more suffering and help you put things in perspective. Just don't get too frustrated and kill any innocent civillians. Then I'll come and whoop your ass.

 

find someone else on the internet on dating sites.

 

so you're 33, been with this woman for 14 years? That means you were 19 in the beginning, probably not the same person back then as you are now at all. Don't you dare try to talk her into coming back to you! That's probably why the relationship lasted so long, isn't it? If she comes back to you, it should be on her terms, not yours, and because she really wants to come back, not because you have mind-fucked her into doing it against her better judgment. Just because she has feelings for you doesn't make it a healthy relationship for either of you. It takes much more than love to make a relationship work.

as far as how long it takes, that would depend on the relationship and the person in question. After being married to my step-dad for 16 years, it took my mother about seven years to start dating again, and I still think she's greiving the loss of that relationship and is still on the rebound.

 

to mamaboogie i dont mindf###ed her into anything, and love is a very big part of any relationship. I think someone has treat you badly before, but not all men are like that, all i have for my ex is love and respect nobody else was involved. Over the years i have had plenty of chances for that and it never crossed my mind. To me then and now she still is the most beautiful person in the world (and she is a very pretty woman).I just want a chance to show her how much i miss her and love her and if i have done anything wrong then for me to make it up to her,( I think over the years i may have neglected her for work and other things. I believe she wanted just to feel loved and wanted " in her friends words she needed to be swepted off her feet" which i didnt and im sorry for that.

 

i don't think mamaboogie was trying to say that you don't love her or care about her...i think she was trying to say that if your ex wants to come back to you, she should decide to do it on her own terms, in her own time, without you trying to talk her into it. it should be a decision she makes on her own because she really, genuinely wants to. love IS a very important part of a relationship, but you can't make it work with love only. it takes lots of work and patience, and it seems like your ex is feeling like she was taken for granted over the years. now you are feeling the sting of that loss which you claim is your own fault. it's human nature to want to make things right, but sometimes you can't change what's happened. maybe one day you two will make amends and at least be friends, but that's an uncertain future, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to wait this out and put yourself and your future first.

i understand your desire to want to show her that you are sorry, but if she doesn't want to be around you at this time, that is her choice and you can't make her hear you out. you have to let her come to you, if that is indeed what she wants to do. it is normal for you to pine over her and to mourn the loss of the relationship. but that is just it: you are mourning. the end of a relationship is the equivalent to a death, and sometimes when someone we love dies, we want to be in denial that it happened, or just try to wish it away and hope that we're just having a bad dream and we'll wake up and everything will be back to normal; it's human nature to do the same thing with the end of a relationship.

you have to look at it this way: the fact is, it's been over a month and she hasn't come back to you. this should be a sign that perhaps you should accept that the death of the relationship is real, and you have to grieve it, feel the pain, go through the emotions, and once you've gotten through that, your heart will be ready to heal and you will be ready to move on.

one thing i did that really helped in the breakup i went through that i mentioned in my above post was to make a memory box. since it wasn't a bitter break-up, i didn't want to throw out the memoribilia and keepsakes from our relationship, but i didn't want to have it out taunting me, either. i could hardly look at his picture without sobbing, and i had lots of random little artifacts from him around my house. it really helped me to lovingly craft a little box (i got the materials from a craft store) that was dedicated to the memory of the relationship. i gathered up all the little keepsakes in the house of him, pictures, letters, cards, ticket stubs, etc, and put them all in the box. i then safely put the box away, up in a top shelf of a closet in my house, where it would be difficult for me to access them. it really helped me to do that, because it's like my heart was acknowledging that this was a chapter in my life that was ending, and i was beginning a new chapter.

i mentioned that me and my ex have ended up as friends. this doesn't always happen and it's never a guarantee. in fact, it took some time apart before we were able to hang out again and there was no drama or awkwardness. we've done a lot of talking since then and have done a lot of forgiving and bonding since. we are very close, but it is a new and separate relationship from our old one. we might occasionally reminisce about something we did together years ago, but only in passing; we don't really dig into our past together too much. when we hang out, we are creating new memories between us and our mutual friends, and it's fun. but remember that this is never a guarantee. some couples break up saying, "well, we will definitely stay friends," but it doesn't always happen. it takes two very mature and compassionate people to be able to pull that off.

i know you are hurting like mad right now. it sounds like you don't have a strong support network around you...am i wrong? do you have friends or family around who could keep your company? seriously, people are a good thing to have around with what you're going through. they will keep you busy and keep you from staying at home moping and wallowing in depression.