Hi all, I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 7 years. We've been through both school and university together and now we are living together. Although we argue quite alot we like to think we have a special "soul mates" sort of relationship and love each other very much. However - in all this time I don't think I know what turns her on. Of course in 7 years we've had lots of sex and I've made her cum many times through both oral sex and intercourse (though the latter is hit and miss). Making her cum is not the issue with me. The problem is, is that she is very reluctant to talk about sex. Whenever I bring it up it causes an argument, she gets uptight or angry. There was a period shortly after moving into together about 4 or 5 months ago where we weren't having much sex because she was tired from the her job and she also mentioned she was a bit bored of the sex we were having (or whatever) and during that time I did bring it up alot and she claimed I was putting too much pressure on our sex life. The trouble is, is that by giving that reaction she convientently gets out of ever answering my questions. And of course, now I am weary about bringing it up. I am talking about basic things here like: "What turns you on?", "Do you have a fantasy?" etc. She is unwilling to open up there though I'm sure she has secret desires. I've done all sorts of things to try to get some kinkiness into things but they don't work. I bought her a book called "5 minutes to Orgasm Every Time You Make Love" by D. Claire Hutchins - she wouldn't read it. I got this little box of sex games called "Sex Play" by Emily Dubberley - she was up for playing that but then wouldn't play ball for much of it - for example there was one game where she had to describe what turns her on and she was like "this is just silly" etc. And she often does that when faced with something she doesn't want to go into. Her argument has always been that we should just "go with the flow" (rather than discuss it), she likes spontenaity too. For me, this attitude is ruining or at least stifling things. My own feeling is either that she feels guilty about her sexual desires beacuse she's been with me for so long and maybe hidden them from me OR she's exercising incredible levels of restraint and/ or sefl-denial, i.e. she doesn't want to admit she has sexual thoughts (which aren't about me)/ fantasies to herself. As evidence for the latter I've suggested getting a dildo or a vibrator but she point-blank says she doesn't want one claiming it is "not natural". What sort of girl turns down the chance for her boyfriend to buy her a vibrator? In my opinion it's this inhibition that she has with herself and with me that is stopping us moving our sexlife to the next level. HOW can I be a better lover if the person I'm with doesn't ever want to discuss her needs and gets angry with me for bringing them up? Recently her sexual behaviour has been strange. Usually, I like going down on her or fingering her and making her cum before intercourse but about the last 6 or 7 times we've done it she's totally wanted to skip foreplay and go right in for sex (either with me on top or doggystyle). This seems strange to me as it is drastically reducing her chances of cumming since I can only last about 20 mins max. Last time we did I think she "came" but it seemed faked to me (I couldn't feel her legs shuddering) and it was the last time before she went away for 10 days (family holiday). This new behaviour seems like she just wants sex over and done with as soon as possible although during the sex she's been very vocal ("do me" etc.) and seems to want me to go fast all the time. I can only see this as false behaviour. EDIT: I should also mention that she hasn't given me a BJ in a long time. I've mentioned it to her and she has claimed she doesn't like giving them but doesn't know the reason why. She attempted to give me a BJ on the night before she left but I sensed she was uncomfortable and told her to get a condom (for intercourse) - this has happened about the last 4 or 5 times she's gone to do it. I haven't cum in her mouth for maybe 2 years (and she used to spit not swallow). I mention this because it might be her reason for blocking me going down on her as I've told her I think it is unfair if one of us goes down and the other doesn't.
This has absolutely nothing to do with the point of your post, and for that I apologize, but I love when someone uses good spelling and grammar.. You have good writing skills.
It sounds like she has lost the emotional part of sex and is not connected to you anymore on that level. So it's more let me get it over with like she's on the clock. From what you wrote you have done pretty much anything and everything to give her a chance to express anything that is bothering her. You have a very healthy attitude about sex and also about relationships too. Of course you know already that the sex part is just an end product of what's really bothering her. I can definitely understand where your coming from and have been thru this in a past relationship. I left it after trying everything possible to heal the base problems we had at the time. A healthy sex life is important for any relationship and I hope you, guys work it out. I would imagine if sex is a chore for her making love is just non existent now in your relationship. Hang in there and again I hope it works out. Peace The Wiz
My husband used to ask me the same thing about fantasies and I'd usually give him a blank stare. I used to tell him that it was that my fantasies were never like his in the " I'd like it if you did x, y and wore costume z '' but more about atmosphere than action. Her reaction maybe from boredom of a sorts. When was the last time you guys went out of town to spend the night? Try shaking things up more in the location/romantic field and maybe she'll respond.
It does sound like youre puttin ga lot of pressur eon her to 1)be really sexual and 2) share that sexuality with you. Dont demand to knowk that what her fantasies are, just say its ok for her to have fantasies whether or not theyre about you, and that it would mean alot for her to shrare them with hyou when she feels ready.
I agree with Wizarddrew, i think maybe you guys need to be re-connected, so to speak. But this is something SHE has to recognise and do somethign about. It's not you, its her. A womans sexuality begins in her head she needs to re-kindle the spark in herself, so she can see what the problem is and then tell you what she needs. If you guess work for her she'll just get angry or upset, because she probably doesn't want to admit there's a problem (in herself). Goodluck!
Hmm. I agree you have a healthy approach to sex in that you're willing to openly discuss what works and doesn't work. But sometimes what doesn't work is the pressure as Allonym already addressed. It sounds like something has died, she's turned off and doesn't want to embarass either one of you so she's clammed shut. If that's the case, I'm not sure how much you're willing to put up with before things start to really break down and the frustration creeps into other parts of your lives. Maybe chill out for awhile on the sex and foreplay suggestions (and all that text research!). Let her go, and let her rekindle on her own what she wants. Maybe it will work, maybe it will not. I also want to add that communication works in different ways and not all of it is vocal. It seems you're already highly tuned to her body language. Maybe she can't speak about it openly,verbally, but you can help her by asking less questions and picking up signals more. Be aware of not what you want to hear or see, but what she may be telling you from her point of view. As an aside, I have no idea why men seem to think oral sex for women is always a good thing. I too believe in reciprocity but receiving oral sex personally is not that big of a deal and neither is it enjoyable. Oral sex is definitely not a turn on, but seeing him turned on is HOT.
Hi all, and thanks for the advice. I just wanted to give an update and give you some further concerns. The night she came back from her holiday we had some wonderful sex - arguably the best of my life, it was perfect, passionate, spontaeneous. She was reactive, I felt like I didn't have to think about or worry about anything at all. Then a couple of days later I felt my old anxieties coming back and we had a minor falling out because I thought she wasn't being real with me (and because she still isn't going down on me). For the rest of that week the sex was ok but the returns were increasingly diminished. She went away for another week on a course and since she has been back from that - say a month, things have been awful. We have talked about what has been going on and she's told me that there is a problem and she doesn't know what it is. She wants sex, is very sexual, gets turned on to the point of being wet etc. but when it comes to it doesn't feel like she wants to go through with it (with me). She said she'd been like it for almost a year and that it came from when I called her frigid. She resented me for it and made herself more and more like that. The other day I found myself in the situation where she was dripping wet wanting sex but didn't want to do it with me - is that sexual frustration?! I was fairly devestated by this and even suggested that she goes and sleeps with other men while I watch - an idea she didn't really seem up for, though I can't be sure. Another problem is that I've been tremendously stressed out my sex for quite a while now, I have developed some serious anxieties about satisfying her. Apart from the two times after she came back from holiday, I haven't really enjoyed sex in the year time period we've been referring to. I feel alot of pressure, like everything is down to me, like it is totally up to me to make things happen - like her pleasure is 100% my responsibility and that she doesn't care at all about giving me pleasure (no BJs). This means that whenever I make a move, go to kiss her etc. all these things are going throughn my head. I am terrified that she's not going to be up for it, terrified of making a wrong move, it makes me almost sick to think about it. Now she has said that one of the reasons she has been like she has is because it doesn't feel natural, like it is fake, forced. And she's right - it's not natural, I'm thinking about everything, I'm enjoying nothing and I suppose that either rubs off on the other person or she is the same. I'm also coming alot quicker than normal - maybe 5 mins and I don't really feel an orgasm from it, just embarrassment - I am positive this is from anxiety too. This has become a serious problem for us now. I feel like if we can't sort it out we don't have a future together. I love her so much that I'd be totally devasted if we weren't together, I can't imagine her not in my life. But I also can't go on being the way I have been. We've talked about this and she's agreed but I'm am totally at a loss for how this will ever be sorted out. It's a Catch 22, the longer we go with her being the way she is, the greater my anxiety becomes and the more frustrated she gets- but the only way I can see to change things is if I was less stressed and more natural with her but how can I be when she is the way she is? At the moment I am just trying to concentrate on making her see that I love her in all ways and that sex is not the only thing. I've been trying not to put any pressure on HER for sex at all, but she keeps doing little things which bring all the pressure and anxiety back for me - she keeps asking me if I'm in a mood about it, last night we were in bed... I made no moves or anything, felt I just couldn't - I'm sure I saw her flick her eyes up, sigh and turn around - that sort of thing make things so bad for me. I've been leaving the room sometimes just to wank into the sink in the bathroom so I don't even feel the urge for sex, things have got that bad. What can I do now?
I don't know what you can do. But I hope you find something that works out. I really understand the frustration there. Good luck.
As impossible as it sounds stop worrying about the sex part of your relationship. Instead you and you girl need to sit down and spend some time together, touch each other, snuggle, but don't push sex. There is a book called "Sex Flex:The Way to Enhanced Intimacy and Pleasure " that might help. You can but it on Amazon for under $20. The book is all about reconnecting with your lover. It has simple exercises that are fun to do, and require you and your lover to touch and work together. It is okay if she thinks it is silly, as it is supposed to be fun. All else fails try Twister naked EVERY couple will have a period where their sex life diminishes (to a varying level) so don't feel like this is the end of your relationship because of your situation. It is just another hurdle in your relationship. Unfortunately this is one of those situations that we are only hearing part of the situation. I am not saying that you are lying, but unless we heard her side of things it is hard to give a more specific answer. I wish you the best, and hope things work out for you.
You have gotten yourself into a vicious cycle sexually here. For one you keep re-inforcing to her that she is not "performing" to your expectations. That is never going to get her fires burning. If you can't deal with what she won't do then you should just leave. Never, Never call your woman "fridged", as I am sure you have learned. You have made her feel inadequate in bed and know that is expanding. She knows that you are unhappy with the sex which just doesn't lead to hotter sex in real life. First, you need to drop this sex pressure down a whole bunch. Don't expect or force her to share her sexuality, some women just don't like to have to explain what turns them on. This can be especially true if there was sexual abuse in the past. So make up fantasies and you do the talking. You will know when you hit on something that is getting her going. Secondly, it sounds to me like you have this little sex routine and that it upsets you if it deviates. If she doesn't want oral then skip it but instead of pouting act like that is great with you. Thirdly, don't ever act like the sex you are getting isn't good. This will shut a woman down quicker then anything. Every single time no matter what just rave about how hot it was and how she drives you crazy. Once she begins seeing you like sex with her and you think it is hot she will open up. Finally, work on the overall relationship. Bring back the romance. Take her to dinner, concerts, walks late at night, bring her flowers, ask her about her day/feelings/opinions, stroke and touch her non-sexually(stroke her arm, rub her hand) while you are talking, kiss the back of her neck and then walk away. Men need sex to feel close but women need to feel close to have sex. Make her "believe" she is the best lover ever and she will be. Don't ask for sexual favors like BJ's. She knows you like it so let her iniate. Give lots of positive encouragement during. If she doesn't appear to be enjoying it tell her that you just "have to have her now", not well this sucks so just grab the condom. You have to make her feel good in herself non-sexually to reap the sexual rewards in a long term relationship.
thank you for those words. just, wow. thank you for saying that. these are the kinds of things that more people need to be saying more often. people should be treating each other so much better in relationships than they do (and this goes for women AND men). on blowjobs, here's my thing: i'm a petite girl. i'm small. and somehow i usually end up with dudes who are decently hung - not that i put all my boyfriends' cocks in lineup and identified them or anything, but i've not dated anyone less than 7 inches (purely coincidental, i assure you). to me, that's decent. but i digress. my mouth is small, and i have a terrible gag reflex - giving bj's isn't exactly the most fun thing for me to be doing constantly, and i sure as hell can't do the deep-throat thing. however, i actually take pleasure in giving them if i'm allowed to go at my own pace, and if i'm in love with someone or like them a whole hell of a lot. i will spontaneously give that person head to pleasure them all of my own accord, as long as i'm not pressured to do it. this has already been said in one way or another i'm sure, but your lady needs your love and support in this. if you want to work things out with her, you have to be willing to be patient with her. there is obviously an underlying issue within her, but your external support could have the most positive affect on her. i'm not saying you should mollycoddle her, but do say and do little things to help her feel special and loved more often. just do nice little random things and it makes a huge difference. compliment her on something without making it seem like you expect sex to come from the compliment. eventually, the sex may become more frequent as she goes on her journey to gain confidence in herself and discover what is really bothering her and how to fix, and you keep cheering her along the way. i can say that a similar thing happened between me and one of my exes. except he was the one having issues with sex and i was the one who was still highly sexed and was kinda pushy about it, which looking back i feel bad about. turns out he was having some serious internal crises, and feeling very lost about his life and future.
I agree with everything Haid said (kudos on an excellent post), but I would make this your number one priority…. if she’s really on edge, and you’re as stressed out as you appear to be, then what you do for her outside of the bedroom is of paramount importance.
Haid, I really thank you for this advice. At the moment I am still not feeling confident about making moves etc. but all I want to do at the moment is make her feel loved. What I didn't mention before about when she came back from her holiday si that I'd made her a "welcome home" banner, put up balloons, bought her a little bottle of champagne, lit candles etc. It's only really just occured to me that "the best sex of my life" coincideded with that. Now... I'm all up for doing this right, being the best boyfriend I possibly can be. But there are a few things I need help with: My girlfriend and me argue or have argued - ALOT. And 9 out of 10 arguments are instances where she's unhappy with something I've done I me not wanting to give in to her, back down to her or accept what she's saying - out of principle. I believe strongly in balance and I often feel like she wants to control everything. To give you a couple of recent examples which exculated into huge rows... 1. We wrote a play together a while back (still not finished) and I gave it to a friend. When she found out she was majorly pissed off and I didn't really see how it was a big deal - I said, "sorry - I didn't know it was an issue". She accused me of being inconsiderate, I said "ok, I know for the future now but you could have gone about it differently - didn't have to get soooo angry". This turned into a large argument the details of which i won't bore you with. I can't help but feel it could have been avoided. 2. There is a person she doesn't like (female) who I've agreed that I don't like much either but who sometimes sends me emails, MSN messages and whatnot. If I reply to her or make any small amount of effort to get on with this person, she goes off on one about how I'm two-faced and being a "minion" by caring so much or whatever. If she doesn't really like someone, she makes no effort with them and she doesn't see why I do. I've told her that it really doesn't matter to me, that talk is just talk and that I don't see things in the way she does - that she's got to respect the fact that I'm polite and civil to people regardless of how much I like them. This invariably turns into an argument and it is not the first time over this very issue (with both male and female friends who she didn't like that I've had). My argument is that I don't like her making judgements about me and that she should not interfere with my business and besides I wont change, her argument is that I am inconsistent with what I say about these peopel (hence two-faced) and that she hates that sort of thing and I should be more honest and less eager for people to like me (I maintain that I don't do it for them to like me, that I'm just easy to get along with and don't care all that much). During the argument she'd also chime in with things like "so you HAVE messaged her?!" etc. which is she insists is not jealousy (I don't think it is), the problem with things like that is that I feel like she's trying to control things, I want her to understand that as much as I love her, I call the shots on my own life, who I message, who I speak to, how I speak to them, what I say etc. My problem with both these arguments is that for me, they come out of no where. And this is the main problem, period. No matter how hard I try to avoid an argument, make her feel loved and all the rest of it - there is ALWAYS something. ALWAYS. These arguments might be avoided if I backed down or didn't challenge her but I am no "yes man" or lapdog and I often disagree with what she's saying. I don't ever want to back down to her over an issue like the "two-faced" thing, I don't want to be "under the thumb" and I object to being told what to do. This is the central principle running through about 90% of my arguments with her and it is a point she never seems to take in - she also invariably is more eager to talk about the specific issue that day where I more often than not talk about the principle of it. We both get so wound up, accuse each other of not listening, shout alot, threaten to leave, say things we regret etc. and it is always a small thing she brings up. I get so hassled and annoyed with her - things might be going swimmingly and then there'll be something, there's ALWAYS something. We both know about this, we've talked about it, we've even said "we're starting out fresh, clean slate" but since we said that there's been something every day - both the above examples came after the "fresh start". I can usually keep my temper for a few days but when she just brings up stuff out of the blue or makes a problem when there is none or I feel like she's criticising me for simply being me then I can't control it and I blow. I've had times when I am shaking out of sheer anger with her and if she had been any other girl on earth I would have left her months ago - but I love her so much and don't feel like I can leave her. My point is though and my question is - how can I make her feel loved and keep doing nice things for her if she is going to keep saboutaging things with thiese niggling (to me, trivial), infurating, frustrating, DRAINING arguments every day. I can't take the hassle, I feel like I don't want these constant bouts of having to justify myself to her various and endless concerns - I dont' even want to put up with that. And then I feel resentful, I'm trying so hard with her and she is such a pain in the ass about everything - every little thing. I want to not have arguments, I want to be as nice and loving to her as I can possibly be but I don't want to be some simp pushover and I will never be one of them. It seems to me that without simply agreeing with everything she has to say that the aim is impossible. Do I have to let her completely wear the trousers in order for harmony in our relationship? If I do, then it's not something I'm willing to do and we are doomed. Please if anybody could tell me what to do or how to go about changing this I'd be so grateful, I feel it is starting to become destructive.
