The 50,000 pound (and growing) leach on my chest

If you've been around here awhile you may have seen my complaining about myself. I'm here to do it again.

It seems I'm broken. I'm 20 years old. I'm a virgin. I've never been in a relationship. A lot of women seem to find me attractive, but that doesn't do me any good when I'm basically incapable of conversation with a girl. The higher I feel my chances are, the more nervous I get and the worse I fuck it up. The cycle of disappointment has been going on like this for as long as I can remember, girl after girl that is clearly interested in me but quickly loses that interest when I can barely make myself say a word to them.

Today was my last day working at taco bell before I go back to college (Yeah, I wasn't even able to find any type of relations with a girl at college). There's a girl there that was quite interested in me, who talked about me a lot when I wasn't around. According to a friend of mine who also works there, she was talking about making out with me and "other things". When I DID come in she talked to me a lot at first, and I didn't say a damn thing to her except an occasional "yeah" or "really?". There just weren't any words to reply to anything she said, which is always the problem. By the time she left she had pretty much stopped talking to me, and obviously, not a damn thing happened. I can hold a normal conversation with my friends, and though I'm shy in general I can usually communicate with an adult or guy or girl that I have no interest in or attraction to whatsoever.

So I'm getting very, very worried now that I'm not going to grow out of this awful social problem. The cycle of disappointment keeps holding nicely packaged opportunities right in front of my face but I can't reach them. It makes one feel pretty pathetic to be unable to do something that is just part of life for everyone else.

I know you don't really care, and I don't blame you. But i had get it off my mind before I decided to jump in front of a moving car or something.

 

Honey, i feel for you.. My husband had the exact problem that you have with women... and he was a virgin into his twenties...please dont think of that as a handicap because it's not... while it is unfortunate for you...it really doesnt matter to women either way...as for your inablility to communicate with women your are attracted to...that can easily be solved... you are going to school now and there should be some councellor on campus that can talk you through your feelings of inadequicy... I know from my hubbies eperience that it helped him immencely...the problem could jsut be that because you dont make conversation with them, most girls are unsure as to wether or not you are interested. that was the problem when I first met my hubby.. so i had to take the initiative...now we've been married for almost three years and we are still going to councelling together working on our communication... so please dont give up hope... you will meet a girl who will love you as you are!

Much love to you!

 

You're not alone, man. I mean, you're not the only one who's shy when it comes to talking to a girl you're attracted to. Look, just be patient with yourself: shyness doesn't go away overnight. Hell, you can't even make it totally go away. I'm not as shy as I used to be, but it's still there inside me. It's just that I can handle it better now.

 

Hey there
I'm not sure if you're looking for advice. If you don't want it, please disregard this.

I am often the same way with certain types of men. A few years ago I'd get shaky hands I was so nervous. There's another side of me that is really chilled out and grounded, and I really try to bring that side out, although sometimes I just can't.

What has helped me most is connecting with 'my inner witness,' or my 'curious observer.' The part of me that just watches. So if I'm getting really really anxious, I tune into that observer and playfully/gently think, "Oh, look at that! I feel so nervous I can't talk!"

What soon becomes obvious is that more than half of the nervousness comes from being anxious about being nervous. So if I don't mind being nervous, and I accept that about myself, the nervousness tends to recede to a significant degree.
...and remember, it's a practice. The only place you can create change is in the present moment.

 

Very good advice, and a very creative way of looking at this. If more people would take an accepting or creative approach to these kinds of problems (such as nervousness, shyness, etc.) instead of filling themselves full of expensive drugs with lots of side effects, they'd be a lot better off.

Also, I think a lot of nervousness in these types of situations is the result of being new to the whole male-female scene, not knowing what to expect from it, and being worried about being rejected, etc. Even if you're not new to it, you can still have those fears.

White ginger has developed a creative way of dealing with the problem, which is kind of similar to the way I dealt with my problem when I was younger. She;s right about a lot of the nervousness coming from being anxious about being nervous. That's a real good point and one that can help us understand why we feel that way and then to learn to find ways to control those feelings.