I... don't know what's wrong with me.

I really don't know how to phrase this. I..well, i don't know what's wrong with me. I have terrible paranoia, it intereferes with everything i do, i've always been extremely depressed, starting around 6th or 5th grade i think, but lately it seems i'm extremely depressed for about 2 or 3 days and then the next couple of days, i'm extremely happy. Like, one day i'm literally shut in my closet all day crying and whimpering, and the next day i'm dancing and giggling like a child. And... i reallly don't think that's normal. I don't know what to do. I'm scared if i go to a psychologist or something like that, theyll put me on medication, and also i think my mother will freak out if i tell her i think something is wrong with me. she'd probably tell me i just want attention, and for fuck's sake i just don't! i don't care about the attention, i just can't control myself or my mind anymore. My self esteem is... worse than non existant, granted i'm having one of those depressed days...well, i guess what i'm saying is, what should i do? and what do you think is wrong with me? i hear things, and it seems so real, and i also get strange urges. Like, ok, i'm serious here so please don't laugh, but i got the urge to turn off every light in the house, turn all my pictures backwards, and turn the laundry basket thing upside down. Then i wanted to see if i could climb into the basket... and i can't sleep. at all. i force myself to sleep around 6 am, so my father won't yell at me, and then i wake up at 8 or so. And when i do the little crazy things, like having the urges and hearing voices... it doesnt seem weird, it seems either scary or just, logical, until like a week later when i regret it and feel stupid. im not on any drugs, either. i don't know how to explain, i'm sorry thi s is so long and everything... but really, please, i don't know what to do and i really needed to get this out, most of all... this is something i hide from absolutely everyone, accepting one friend. so.. idk, anything you have to say that isnt mean would be very VERY appreciated...
...i feel so stupid now....

 

dont feel stupid.

i think you might have manic depression (cant think of the new name for it).
you do those strange things on your "hi's" and then get depressed on those lows. my neighbour has somthing like that.
sleep deprivation would be making things worse.
i cant think of anything to help, exept dont drink caffine. you can become allergic to it, it causes crazy hi's and crazy lows, but thats all i can think of. You may need to see about it.

If you feel like your loosing grip of reality that could be caused by caffeine allergy. i have it.

 

delusions (paranoia) and psychosis (voices) are some of the key diagnostic features of schizophrenia.

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions - they can be caused by other things (ie: in this case the most likely reason would probably be sleep deprivation). But I strongly urge you to consult a psychiatrist as soon as possible. If it is a type of schizo-disorder, then the progression of the disease can usually be halted with the right type of medication.

Take it for what you will.

 

The "urges" you speak of sounds like obsessive-compulsive disorder.

 

What you mean to say is they sound like compulsions.

Which to me, it doesn't sound like they are.

 

I'd say the depression one day and the next day being happy could be bipolar disorder. Go see a psychologist, or something.

 

The way you feel is not normal or something to take lightly. Some depressed people reach lows they can't bear and put an end to life to help make the pain stop.

You seem to be afraid of medication. The correct med and dose can make a huge difference. It takes time to find the correct med and dose. I agree with Spooner......find a psychiatrist. Yes, cost is a factor. Do you have insurance?

Can't you discuss this with your Mom or Dad?

My depression has lasted for months and it is not cool. It started with a few days at first. Effexor and Lamictal has been helping. It's for bipolar illness.

 

Get some help , avoid trouble now. Read the "Psychotic Episode " thread. I was having the same symptoms before i snapped.

 

Welcome to the world of bipolar disorder... I was diagnosed at 12 or 13. It sucks and you should really, really seek help. You don't need you parents' permission to see a psychiatrist, just find a doctor on your health plan and bring your insurance card. Really, don't shove it to the back of your mind or ignore it. It's serious. I never had the paranoia, but I did have serious issues with it, worse than every three days - more like several times a day.

I took Topamax, and it really helped me. I really advise you to get help. Bipolar disorder is extremely dangerous because when you're in a completely depressed state you don't think straight. It's serious, and it's really not good to ignore it.

And like Mess, I snapped before I got help. My mum called the cops. Really, I tell everyone who thinks they may have an issue, seek help. I finally learned that you can't handle everything by yourself.

 

well.. i didnt want to start a new thread about this...so i'll just ask here...
i know this sounds like a stupid question, but i take it really seriously. i'm crying thinking about it. but i want to get help. because right now i'm at an extremely low low. and i don't know how to ask my mother. i dont want to see a psychiatrist behind her back... so i want to tell her. but i dont know what to say. she asked me a while ago if i wanted to see one, but i was embarassed and i lashed out... and i dont know what to say. she'll probably laugh and say i'm not crazy, no daughter of hers is crazy, or something like that. but i'm scared, because things are affecting my relationships, because it's getting harder and harder to hide my paranoia (for instance, one friend went away saying he was on the phone, one said he didnt want to talk... and i assumed they were talking together about not liking me. even i know that's crazy, they're my best friends... but i still had a mini freak out on them...) and i'm sick of telling everyone about how depressed i am some days and how amazingly elated i am some days... also when i go to a psychiatrist... what should i say to them? also, i'm really shy and idk if i can tell a stranger how i feel while looking at them like that. and, i mean... like... i dont know, what if they think i'm faking it? so many people think i do. even my own best friend has called me an attention whore behind my back... they don't understand i'm just trying to tell them how i feel... well, i'll end this now... thank you so much for all of your help, i really dont know if i could've made this decision without you.

 

also.. sorry i'm rambling on but i just wanted to add a couple more things... i've noticed everyone on here gets really weak and energy-less when they're depressed, but i've actually been sort of lazy my whole life until this started happening, and now i've been VERY VERY energetic. like, i shake all the time and i always want to move... idk if that really means anything at all.. i was just wondering if anyone knew why that happened. ok, i'm done, i promise, lol.

 

i should combine these into one post... but i dont really feel like it. so, update: i told my mom that i think something is wrong, and i think it might be bipolar disorder. she told me that she doesnt know "why i want bipolar disorder" and i tried to tell her i dont want it and she said that someone was trying to make me think i had it, then she said if i had it she'd know it. and i started to read some symptoms and she just went down the list "no, you're not like that... or that.... or that..." and she doesn't even know! i mean, i know it's usually pretty obvious when there's something wrong with someone, but really, i've done ALL i could to hide it and appear stable... idk what to do now, i obviously can't get help now. and she tries to tell i'm faking it, nothing's wrong. i really feel like doing something stupid now. not really like killing myself, you know, but i'm just FUCKING MAD.

 

I understand your frustration. My family doesn't like to talk about my illness either. They will talk about all of the pain I've caused or how much I have fucked up, but not about the reason (my illness). And when I've tried to explain it to them they don't believe me either. It is like they think they know me better than I know myself. My mom especially doesn't believe me, she did the same thing your mom did. She went out on the internet (not the best source of info btw) and said that I don't exhibit any of the symptoms and I was really completely amazed at how little she knew about me. Course my mom is a different post all together.

Just a word of caution don't try to figure out what is wrong with you with the internet and with what other people think you do or don't have. Try to go see a professional, or a few if you can (not sure what is available in your area but exhaust all of the resources available to you). Something might be wrong, but it may not. It is good to look at this from a lot of different perspectives, such as environment and physically as well as spiritually. Something could very well just be lacking in your life that could be making you feel one way or another.

Another word of wisdom, start keeping a journal. You don't have to write in it every day if you don't want, but just start keeping track of your thoughts and feelings, even if they don't make sense, and I personally recommend writing it rather than typing it. Sometimes your handwriting says more than your words. My journal sometimes looks like 5 different people wrote in it.

 

After reading through these other posts I suggest more now than ever to get professional help. What you have is not bi-polar disorder. Just because you feel depressed one day and happy go lucky the next does not indicate bi-polar. I'm not a professional, but I highly doubt that is what you have, but I don't want to put any more ideas into anyone's head about what it could or could not be.

If you want to PM me, feel free.

 

placebo from your first post you sounded like you really didnt like the idea of meds, but i think that all the sleep deprivation is making things so much worse, i used to get a bit of insomnia a year ago or so, and i had herbal medication like valerian and that really helped me get sleep so i was more rested and my mind could get out of its weird funk

 

my uninformed diagnosis schitsophrentic with bi polar and ocd

really not as bad as it sounds..if you get treattment

dont worry what ppl will think, its a chemicalimballance and nobodies fault, ..just something that happens
so go to mom and tell her everything

 

goto a school councelor, talk to them 1st,,have them suggest the psychological help

 

See a doctor.

Peace and love

 

I also suggest going to a school counselor or if there is a teacher you trust, first. I mean, if your parents won't listen, that's a good place to go, too. I went through a lot of what you're going through now when I was younger. I didn't know how to tell my dad, so I just went and talked to a teacher I trusted, whom took me to the school counselor. From there, got in touch with a doctor, and had a lot of counseling (not from the school counselor, though. lol). I still have problems, I don't think they'll ever go away. I have some of the paranoia stuff. Like you said about your friends, one was on the phone and the other was away or something, I have a habit of freaking out about shit like that too.
Anyways, I think you should try to talk to the school counselor. If nothing else, getting some stuff off your chest with an actual person can help a lot.

Good luck to you.

 

You sound like me, except I don't have the ups and downs I'm just always down. I'll get superfuckingparanoid about the smallest things and delusional. I hear voices/see things in the corner of my vision and sometimes full-blown hallucinations. My diagnosis, schizophrenia. However sleep deprivation can cause hallucinations and stuff too...I'd suggest going to your school counseler because they can require your parents to get you help if you don't think they'll do it just by your asking.

Left untreated, its like hell. My mom has threatened to send me to a mental instution on more than one occasion and I wish she would already because I can't live like this forever. I know when I'm 18 I can get myself help but fuck, that's 2 years. Things just get worse everyday and I'm suicidal...fuck it. Anyhow, you can be helped by meds. I took an antipsychotic from a friend one time and damn, it did help. The side effects take some getting use to but imo its better than being like this. Good luck.