I'm new here, I hope this is where I belong. My question is really quite simple I think. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now, living together for 2 of those years. We have an excellent relationship. I love him with all of my heart. We laugh together all of the time (that is what initially attracted me to him, was his sense of humor) and we don't really have any problems. Don't get me wrong, we have been through A LOT together. It wasn't always this good, but we've always worked on our problems and we both feel that we are stronger because we have stuck together in solving issues. Anyway, my concern is that we are not on the path to get married. So, naturally, because I was curious, I asked him why we aren't engaged yet. He got very upset at this and started bawling. He doesn't usually cry, but he is emotional sometimes when things are very close to his heart. He said that he felt that we had a stronger bond than that and that we already live as if we are married so what is the big deal about the piece of paper, why should that matter. He said that he wants it to be a surprise and that he doesn't want to feel pressure (point taken, I honestly did not mean to pressure him I never want to be that kind of girl). He was upset and he said that "I guess it won't be a surprise now". Then he also said that he was afraid because of his parents - his parents are still together, but they don't love each other, and it is very painfully obvious to everyone around them. They cling to each other because they are both afraid of anything different. They kind of are "stuck" together because they feel they NEED each other, not out of love or respect. Needless to say, they make each other's and our lives miserable. - He also said that he was not traditional when it came to things like that, but did not elaborate. He also said that just a couple of years ago, I was hell bent on not getting married, so why did I all of a sudden change my mind. It isn't that I changed my mind in a snap decision, it is that I'm at a different point in my life, and my love for him has grown so much deeper in these past few years that now I can honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I want to grow old with him. Before I just wasn't sure, we hadn't been together long enough for me to know, but now I do. I said to him that we are nothing like his parents, he didn't respond. I don't know what else to do at this point. I told him that I'm very sorry for pressuring him and that was not my intention at all. I explained that I was just afraid that I wasn't good enough or something. I honestly feel like sometimes he thinks I'm good enough to shack up with, but not good enough to be called his wife. He says that can't be farther from the truth, but it is just the way I feel. I know he loves me deeply, I'm not questioning his love for me in the least bit. I promised him I wouldn't bring it up again, but I still don't feel like he answered my question or we solved anything. I still feel like he is not intent on marrying me. Anyway, my question is, shouldn't I just be happy with what I have? Like I said I know that we love each other more than most married folks today. And I know deep down that marriage doesn't really solidify anything. It just seems to me though that it means something- I can't explain it. Perhaps I'm too conditioned by society. Or should I really want to be getting married now? I'm just not sure where my feelings are coming from. I watch a lot of things on tv about brides and weddings, and they always tell the story of how he "just knew" and he had to propose and all of that mushy stuff. I kind of just wish I had him make me feel special like that. I just feel like something is missing.
what you gotta do is look inside your heart to find out exactly what it is you want. And once you know exactly what you want, don't ever settle for anything less than that. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, whether you ever get married or not? Or do you want the big fancy wedding and the cake and all the trappings? Do you want/need the security (financial and emotional) of being married? FWIW, my husband and I dated for six years before I proposed to him and we got married. We had even broken up a few times over this issue, it's a tough one, but we always managed to reach some sort of agreement we could both live with. The main difference with your story, though, is that I refused to live with him until after we got engaged. I wasn't willing to combine our households if he wasn't willing to commit to marriage. I sure wasn't going to start doing his laundry and cooking his every meal.
I can't say that I have ever really understood this argument. If it doesn't matter that you do not have it, how does it matter if you do? Hell, getting married isn't even a life time commitment anymore. The basic answer here is for what ever reason he doesn't want to commit to you just yet. He isn't sure if you will be together always whether it is a fear of repeating his parents mistakes or something else. Why would you promise not to bring up a topic that is important to you. This was a big mistake. Never promise something you can't deliver and never promise not to bring up something that is important to you and your well being. It means a lot and is more then just a peice of paper to me. It is a promise to be by each others sides no matter what happens good or bad. The only advantage to not having it is that you can bail easier. Maybe not a lack of love or respect but this is what a marriage is about. 10-20 years down the road the love infatuation is gone and respect and working together is what it is all about. You won't ever be head over heals every day for 40 years. Love changes form over long periods of time. This is why people cheat for excitment. This would be what you have to decide. As you grow older you will change in a lot of ways. Being married does give you some security about your future and what environment you will raise your kids in. Your not going to get better advice then this. Decide what you want out of life and what you can and can not settle for. Then act accordingly.
Thanks for the advice. I'm still torn, and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to look within myself. I want to be with my boyfriend even if we are not married. I don't want to leave him. At the same time I would like to be married to him, not just married in general. I don't care about the bells and whistles and the wedding and all that fantasy. I care about moving forward as a married couple, starting a family, and life together. I mean I could get married to any guy, but any guy isn't my guy. mammaboogie: you are absolutely right and if I had it to do all over again, I would not have moved in with him unless we were engaged. I think it is a little late for that now, seeing as everything we have is entangled. I don't find that to be a problem, because I don't believe either of us has a desire to go anywhere or be with anyone else. See, I'm not afraid of losing him or anything, I know he loves me and wants to be with me. So it isn't a form of control, or keeping him away from other women, that some people use marriage for. (I have seen it, and it isn't love at all). And it isn't because either of us needs financial security or anything like that. I guess he is just taking me for granted. I'm pretty much his wife, but I am still "just his girlfriend". (ps, I don't do his laundry). See, the thing is I trust him, and I have faith in him. If he tells me that he loves me, and that one day we will get married, then I trust in that promise. He has never broken a promise to me and I believe deep down he wants to marry me, I just think there is something inside of him, whether it be fear or timing, or money or what that is standing in his way. He also said to me the other night when he was quite upset, that he feels like he doesn't do anything right and that he is afraid he will propose wrong or get married wrong, or do something that isn't good enough for me. I told him that there is no wrong way to propose and whatever comes out of his heart is all I need. I know he is goofy and non-traditional, but I love him just the same. And I will love any proposal and any ring, and any wedding. It is him that I'm crazy about, not all the "stuff". Haid: you are right, I shouldn't have promised not to bring it up again, because I never resolved my issue and I am still thinking about it and I don't have an answer. I just didn't want to upset him further. It pains me to see him so hurt. Now, I'm afraid to talk to him about it. I know I shouldn't be afraid to talk to my boyfriend about anything, but I don't want to pressure him. How can I bring it up again, and help him get over his fears without making him feel pressured to propose right away? I mean I'm not saying I need this right this minute (a proposal I mean), but I just need to know that is the direction our life is going. He says that I should know that by now, but how could I? His parents really don't love each other though. They are both very ill and that is why they stay together (his mom with lung cancer and his father is blind in one eye). There is definitely no respect in their relationship whatsoever, no trust either. It was very dysfunctional, and my boyfriend had to grow up in this loveless, abusive home. I didn't have very good role models for parents either, so that doesn't help. I'm not sure if I am settling or if I am just being content with the love that I have. My friends say I should consider myself lucky to have just found the love that we have, and they would give anything to be in a caring relationship like ours. But still just feel like something is missing.
I don't think you can without him using it against you in the conversation anyway. To me a promise is a promise so don't bring it up and honor your word. If you have to, ask him to let you out of the promise because you want to speak with him about things. You have already brought it up so it is not like he doesn't know what you want. He has to decide for himself just like you do. You have to ask yourself where the relationship is heading. Is it somewhere that you can be happy and content? If not then you may have to take steps away from the relationship. Move back out, etc. If he wants to propose he will. You are not going to feel good about the proposal either if you know that you pushed him into it. You can only decide what you want and need and act on it. I don't know how he feels about kids and all that but if it does come up you could go that route. You want a stable environment for your kids to grow up in. This may not be at all good if he is looking to distance himself from commitment. IMO, you should just let it drop and wait. Determine how long you can wait for it and remain content, then when its past that point you have some difficult decisions to make.
Thanks, I agree that I need to just let it go for now. He does want children, we've talked about that before and he has no problem with discussing kids. He does so affectionately. And he doesn't want to have children out of wedlock either, he has expressed that much. He is really caught up right now with "keeping up with the Jones's". Too concerned with what everyone else is doing and thinking. He wants the big house and the fancy cars and all of the fun toys, but he is missing the important part. He started making a lot of money and I think it is somewhat going to his head. Oh well, I digress, there is nothing more I can say or do right now, except just to love him, which I do. Hopefully, he comes to his own conclusions soon. You are right, I have some thinking to do.
Just a word of caution. Many times people like this are waiting to "upgrade" their women to "when they have enough money". I can't say if that might be the case here but I would keep your eyes open. I hope everything turns out for you.
I thought of that yesterday as a matter of fact. I don't think he is the type of person to do that, but it is in the back of my mind, so I'm not completely naive about the situation. Actually, I thought about asking him that last night, if he was holding out for someone better to come along, but I bit my tongue because I didn't want to cause any more drama this week. I'll save that for next week's episode. (sigh) If that turns out to be the case then it will be his loss and I will have learned from the experience. That is not to say it won't hurt, but you guys are definitely right, I need to go after what I want and not settle. I did decide after thinking and writing and spending time with him last night, that I'm willing to give him the opportunity to propose, I mean I can't very well give him a deadline or ultimatum, and I can't expect him to run out this week and buy a ring, I have to give him a chance at least. But I know in my heart how long I'm willing to wait now. Some decisions will need to have been made before we buy a house this Spring. I'm not buying a house with someone who won't marry me.
You might as well not bring this up ever. It will lead no where good. Do you think that if that was his intention that he would tell you? Glad you are feeling more confident in yourself and your decisions. I think you are making a wise choice. Give him the chance. He already knows your concerns. I would say you damn sure don't want to buy a house with him in this situation, IMO. At least in a divorce there are means available to split debt. If you are both on the Title and not married you will both be liable for the morgage. If he decides to split you would have to make the payments or screw your credit up. I have seen enough people in this or simular situations to call it a bad idea.
