The story of my life and WHO made me who I am today...

Here are some posts from another forum... These are only a few of them randomly plucked out. IF anybody cares enough I may post all of them later...








POST 1:

I think about things a lot more when I get fucked up. Today in psychology was the worst... I started crying for no reason and now I feel so much like an asshole. I was thinking about my best friend in America who was in rehab a while ago (the guy I know I was (and always will be) in love with looking back but never admitted to myself at the time) and I just busted into tears. It was really bad as the classes are REALLY small (only like 9 people) and I had to sit through 2 hours doing this. Of course people were getting up and saying supportive shit to me which only made it worse and much more embarrassing. Then on the train back I was talking to a girl from class and I basically told her I was gay (I was talking about how I needed to call "somebody" and how there was a "person" I was worried about and needed to talk to, never using gender names and I also was talking about how I can only admit stuff to myself when I'm drunk and how it's too hard to cope when I'm not). The thing is I know what is causing most of these problems. I haven't talked to the guy I'm in love with for more than a year and a half. Looking back I think he might have felt the same way but can't be sure as it was in 8th and 9th grade (yeah, I was old for my grade but so was he (he's either 19 or 20 now and I'm 18 ) (he moved to America speaking no English from Russia when he was 8 after being adopted from an orphanage (his first words were "Can I have another Coca Cola" (how cute is that )))). There are many things that make me think he might have felt the same way.

I met him in 8th grade during the first day when I was playing a rec game of soccer with a bunch of Asians and he just came and joined in. I saw him and he was pretty good at it so I told him this (looking back I think I may have been flirting a bit but was unaware of this since I was in DEEP denial back then (I fantasized exclusively about guys since I was 13 but always found an excuse and was even slightly homophobic back then)). After that game and I mean right after we literally became best friends. Right after I hung out with him almost 100% of my free time. I would go to his dorm room every single free minute I had and just sit there and talk with him or play video games. Sometimes he would come to my room and just sit there and play games with me or talk. Sometimes we would wrestle in his room (I think I enjoyed this a lot more then I would admit back then). We were on the same soccer team back then (even though I was rubbish and barely made the team and he was a natural and was the team captain). Every day after practice we would go sit on the heater in our dorm hall entrance and talk for literally 3 hours just sitting right next to each other like basically cuddling almost. I always felt so happy back then and haven't felt happy since. Whenever we went somewhere we invited the other and always found a way to sit next to each other or be together. I KNOW I liked him back then for a fact. Once when he started hanging out a little less with me and more with a new friend I basically did what girls do, lol. I stopped talking to him for no reason and didn't see him for a week. If people asked I'd say we were in a fight but didn't know what caused it. Looking back I know I was just extremely jealous he was spending any time with somebody else. After things went back to normal we started doing the same stuff again. Talking by the heater for 3 hours. We also were the only people who did crazy shit. We would go to the gym every day in just shorts and a short sleeve even though it was a good walk from dorm in the middle of winter and would have snowball fights like this and even went snowboarding without anything but shorts on once if my memory serves me.

Even when we were picking teams for a sport and I was clearly the worst there he would always choose me at least 4th so I would never get picked last, just because. I sucked really bad at sports but didn't care how much of an ass I made of myself when he was around. I could play and be sucking horribly but when that break in between the rec game came it was just something to talk about with him later. We'd go to the gym and always play games with just me and him or watch movies and basically cuddle again. Sometimes when we watched anime and gay scenes came up and other people were watching we didn't even bother to turn it off. We just didn't care how we looked to other people. I never felt like it was weird though. I never felt like anything was wrong. Once we even showed this one kid our dicks to prove some point or something and it didn't cause any weirdness between us. For a few weeks people said we might be a bit gay and we didn't give a shit. We just said whatever we know we're not so it's ok. Whenever we got on the 2 hour bus ride to go snowboarding we would sit right next to each other and listen to music one headphone each from his mp3 player and would fall asleep right next to each other like that. We were always there for each other for little stuff too. Like since he didn't get as much allowance when we went snowboarding and he didn't have a hat I got him one or got him some food or something or when the proctors would go out to a mall he'd get the guy driving to let me come.

The worst moment I remember of my life is when we were playing wall ball (I was a master at this) and these guys who were in the grade above us wanted to use our ball and my friend was like no, we're using this. And the older guy said who else is using this and I didn't speak up. My friend told me to but I just stayed there quiet. The older guy took the ball and threw it in my friends face and I had no idea what to do. I almost started crying. I had been so selfish in not wanting to look bad that I let my best friend ever get hit in the face. He was so forgiving though and an hour later everything was forgiven. We could never stay mad at each other or hold a grudge for very long.

Then came the summer between 8th and 9th grade. We didn't talk once. I was always bad at communication when far away and never talked to him during any break we ever had which is why after graduation a year and a half ago from that school I still haven't called him once.

Once 9th grade rolled around he was a proctor in a different dorm than all the other non-proctor 9th graders. I didn't speak one word to him till about 3 weeks in. I had been waiting to see if he would talk to me first, but to no avail (although very forgiving we were both hard-headed as HELL and NEVER wanted to be the first to do anything which is why we got along so well ). Once we started talking though I'd sneak out of dorm every free hour I had and go to his dorm even though it was not allowed. The dorm parents at his dorm even basically made me an honorary proctor I was there so much. You aren't allowed in somebody else’s room if they are not there even if you had express permission because of stealing and so if you were in a persons room without them there you would go to the principal or whatever but I could just stay in there and the dorm parents didn't care because they knew I would never do anything bad to him. I even put my Xbox in his room and left it there and we had LAN parties there every day I was there so much. We were both great at video games and could beat anybody at there own game after only playing a few times before. I haven't played video games AT ALL in about a year though since I just stopped being able to play and not think about him (before hand I was winning 100+ people tournaments though).

Every day before sports I would go to his dorm and we would watch anime or movies on his couch next to each other. A few times when he would come to my room since I had a small room with no couch or anything we would just lie down right next to each other with my laptop on both of our laps and watch entire movies just lying next to each other like that. Everything was perfect in my world at times like that...

One of my favorite memories with him is when my grandparents promised they were coming for grandparents day but never showed up. Everybody was leaving campus and he felt bad for me so he got his mom to take me with his family when they went to a hotel to spend the day together. How cute is that? We watched movies in his hotel room and I met his family and when we got to the hotel room he just chilled out shirtless there.

We never cared about borrowing stuff either. If something was one of our it was basically both of ours. Like if I didn't have a pair of shorts I could just borrow a pair of his (which I did a few time because he had some awesome shorts compared to the shit I was wearing at the time (I had no style at all back then and wasn't the best looking guy back then too which makes it an even closer bond since he never cared about it (he was much better looking than me))).

Neither of us really showed all that much interest in girls either. Of course there was the odd comment or we'd watch a video or dance once or something but it was just something we never really talked about and for me and hopefully him never really thought about either.

I consider this guy my family... After having fucked me around and kicking me out of the house for a while and having neglected me I don't consider my relatives my family, just him. He's the only person I could ever really depend on 100% in my life. I know that for a fact. I wish I had the nerve to call him or be able to see him again. When I heard he was in rehab (which was the same time I had been doing TONS of drugs, but I have cut that down now since I'm now in rehab too I just drink alcohol) it was the most painful thing I had ever heard. I hadn't cried in years, but I cried that night... I just wanted him to get better.

I think about him everyday. I know I was, still am, and always will be in love with him since he was always there for me and we were PERFECT for each other. I just wish I knew how he felt, or if he thinks about me sometimes...

I know this post went totally off track and is as long as hell and doesn't have a point, but I just needed to say this and I don't really have anybody at home to say it to. I wasn't planning for this to be a massive post, but it evolved while I was writing it and it helped me to realize some stuff about me and it brought back some great as well as painful memories that needed to be remembered for me to get on. Thanks for reading...

I just had my first cigarette in about a month and a half today too.












Post 2 (one of my responses to post 1):

Well, I finally got his number like 3 weeks ago. I called him twice and never got any calls back. I finally called again today and his mom told me he's been in rehab in Houston for 10 months and will be there until July. She gave me the number for his rehab place. I called and got him. We talked about our lives (which are remarkably similar which is a very weird coincidence considering the amount of time we haven't seen each other in). I finally got around to telling him I'm gay which he took well and he even said he already had a few gay friends. He even yelled out to some other guys in the rehab place that he "just found out that one of his best friends is gay" (so happy to hear he still considers me a best after all this time) and laughed it off. We talked about more shit. When it came time for me to tell him I was in love with him... I couldn't do it. I'm 99.99% sure he's completely straight so I'm not even sure if it would be the right thing to do to tell him as that might be too much for him too handle. Anyway, he told me to call him back later so I'm thinking of calling him back next weekend and trying to work up the courage to tell him... Opinion on what I should or shouldn't do and how I should go about doing what I should do would be great.











Post 3 (a few months later):

I was soooooo fucked on Sunday (triple dropped at 8:30 AM on Friday, doubled at 1:30 PM on Friday, doubled at 1:00 PM on Saturday and then doubled again at 2:20 PM on Sunday. I lost at least 5 pounds cause I only ate two small meals and a snack in all three days :/) so I called his rehab place where he lives and left a message for him along the lines of "Hey, this is Mike and I'm calling from England so it's hard for me to time this right. Anyway, I really, really, really, really ,really need to talk to George. This is extremely important and I need to talk to him as soon as possible. Thanks".

I continued to call about once every 10 minutes for like the next 3 hours until I got somebody. Unfortunately by this time I wasn't quite as fucked as I wished I still was. So I told him about how fucked I had been and how I have something to tell him and it's really fucked up and I wish I was still fucked when I was gonna say this to him. I kept saying stuff along the lines of "I want to say this and I need to but I don't want to fuck everything up and ruin our friendship".

After about 2 minutes of me just staring blankly at the phone and not talking he said something like "so, what did you want to tell me?" I answered with "What else would your best friend who's gay wanna tell you?" (Note: I had only came out to him a month and a half ago). He said "I don't know" and I said "Well why do you think I always wanted to be around you all the time". He said "Because we were best friends". So I said "Yeah, well that's all I thought it was back then... but looking back I think it was a lot more". So he said "So you had a crush on me?" to which I responded "It was much more than that." then he said "So you were in love with me..." "I said yeah, I was, and I'm not sure where I am with it right now..."

He didn't react at all like I thought he would (I thought he'd call me a faggot and never speak to me again (even though he was absolutely fine with my being gay, telling him I love him has got to be a lot more stressful for him)). He was asked "Why me?" and I said "You know why." He said "It's because we're best friends, isn't it?" I just told him "Yeah, and the reason I'm calling you is because it's been eating away at me for months now" to which he said "Yeah, you just wanna get that shit out of your system?". I just said "yeah" and then I told him why I was afraid to tell him after he said some shit when I came out to him about how he'd fucking kill a guy if he told him he was hot or liked him. He just said "Yeah, I'd do that to somebody I didn't know well, but I know you and I know what you're going through."

He also said that he suspected this was what I was going to tell him after I told him I was nervous what I was gonna say would fuck everything up. He sounded kind of depressed/tired after I told him and the conversation sort of died so I told him that's what I wanted to say and then just said bye and then he said bye and then I hung up. I hope this doesn't end up fucking everything up for good, but I'm glad I got it off my chest.












Post 4 (ones of my responses to post 3):

So yeah, I called my friend again on Friday like 20 minutes after getting hit by the car. I was talking a shitload cause I was fucked on E again. I was just talking about a bunch of shit. I don't think I was being bored at all and shit. Anyway, at one point I asked how long have we been talking and he said 2 hours and I started freaking out because I hadn't eaten or drunk anything in 2 hours then (I looked at my face in the mirror and it was fucked). I started asking him if he was serious and he said yeah a few times and then finally said it had only been 10 minutes (still not sure which one it really was, cause he could have later said 10 mins to calm me down, but if it was actually 2 hours then I understand why the convo became one sided like it did). Anyway, most of the later half of the convo he seemed disinterested and was only giving one word answers. I even had to ask if he was still there a few times. I'm thinking telling him might have fucked everything up, he sounded so disinterested towards the end..











And that's it... unless anybody cares enough to want to see the rest... *smiles sadly/happily in remembrance*

 

...wow, that is like the best thing I have read it a while... I was totaly enthrawled, it was just so... well I just wanted to know what happened next, quite a memoire you have there i do have to say, but is this where it ends, or rather continues? Or is there more about you and and you're friend... But i'm so sorry you're life has been... well hard to travel, personally I've always had the well worn path to travel, and really respect those who have things harder, but still make life as good as they possibly can, but if there is more... I would really like to hear (read) it, if it isn't too much trouble, I mean

 

Thank for actually reading it! Seems like lots of people don't feel like reading it since it's so long... And actually that's where the story left off between me and him too. I haven't called him in more than 2 months and he isn't allowed to call out of the rehab place, only receive call.s I'm not sure what terms we're on now and I'd rather have all great memories of him than seem pushy and find out that he's NOT actually ok with it.

 

I can definately relate; I'm going through something quite similiar. Thanks for sharing...

 

Wow. Your story is really sweet. It's sad, but sweet.

 

I wish it didn't have to be the sad part so much. Honestly I'm just at a loss for what to do with/about this guy anymore.