Running in circles in front of the gates Yelling out angered curses and hate The entrance closed and locked in haste After my forced exit I call out to one who holds the key Not even knowing which one it may be Come to the wall and help me I scream Please let me return to Heaven I am eternally waiting in A storm of lonely depression I am beginning to get the impression That forever more I will be in Purgatory Patience is a virtue When never may be when But every day's prayer and sin Is done in your memory I wish on every shooting star On the memory of every scar Of the pain I feel when you're far That your word is true I sit at the river Waiting to see you on the other side I hope that someday with love You may free me from Purgatory
eh? Kinda got your drift. I just wrote this all of a sudden, and felt like posting a poem. I feel more than ever likeI am waiting in a state of numbeness and nothing where I can see another me that is happy and healthy, but no matter what I can't get there myself.
I dont like it to be honest. Im gonna tell you why, not as a angry comment, i mean if you like it as it is thats fine, just constructive critisism, after all whats the point of a forum for poetry without constructive critisism! right.... I dont think that it flowed very well, your expressing serious themes, and when i read if i felt like i was stopping and starting in the wrong places, and it didnt read very well. Try reading it out aloud, i did this with it, and i dont think it flowed very well from that. Secondally, your expressing serious themes of depression and purgatory, which is all interesting, but i think the rhyme you used in this poem takes something away from the serious themes that your expressing. it made it more like a comic poem in style rather than the serious one. Hope this helps in anyway...
you people get carried away with your "constructive criticism". sometimes people just want to share their emotions. and really, that's what Art is about, empathy. you are trying to relate to this individual from the standpoint that they wrote this to entertain, and they did not, clearly. hey, me, much love, really- i know where you are. just realize- you are more than "you", more than any assenine moral concept. "you" are not eternal, but the spirit from which you are manifest is, and though you're having trouble seeing that now, just stick it out, persevere. one day those tears of sorrow will be tears of joy, and you'll find out that they were the same thing all along. as for your technique, your writing ability, don't worry for that. keep writing and you'll get better. it's inevitable. and trust me when i say, there's ahole eternity for cultivating language. no offense spyder. sometimes i just think ya'll miss the point. the industrialization of art, imho, is the most blatent travesty the human race has perpetrated upon itself. for is not every breath inhaled and exhaled the completion of a work of Art? I view Art not as an act of creation, but an act of Evolution itself... so let's think about that word "constructive"... if you build walls around something, you limit its ability to evolve. all it really needs is encouragement. it needs to die, and be reborn. to put it another way, people have no problem building their own walls, their own caccons... give em a chance to break free on their own. many blessings, much love, a healing vibe
pardon? No doubt the point of forums like this is not simply to have everyone praise peices of poetry and say there outstanding! critisism is needed! this is the first bit of critisism i've seen on the forum for ages!!! Fair enough that art is to demonstrate emotion, but surely we should offer constructive critisism to people because that way (whether they take it or not) people advance as poets artists etc, by taking on, or listening to critisism that people put up. I didnt ridicule the emotional message of the poem, i mearly critisised the way it was done, in the hope that people can advance their poetry. The one problem i feel with this forum is that everyone says that peoples poetry is amazing etc etc, but that isnt really developing art or poetry is it? offer critisism should help develop it. people dont have to take it on, but someone might have some critisism that will enable the art to develop in a way that the artist wants, its about freedom of ideas, and simply saying "i love that" to every single poem does not advance anything. Even the most developed and well recognised poet still recieves critisism. so why does this forum seem so adverse to it?
Criticism is an offering... an option for different sight regardless of what may be percieved as a charge. For the author: You are the keyholder and you are the gate. Your environment is that which you create from within first. Free will does not allow others to liberate you from yourself. Answer this knock you are hearing from within. Create Heaven before you seek to dwell in it.
nor, spyder, did you notice that i was heaping any praise upon technicality. on the contrary, i was dismissing it altogether. it comes with time, with "practice" of the Art, regardless of outside commentary. the great Artists know this, which is why they are so steadfast in ignoring both praise and criticism much love
Just from my tiny perspective, I don't agree with this. I would never have gotten to where I am now if it hadn't been for some very special people who helped me out. Of course, I did specifically solicit feedback from those I admired whenever I could. As for all the great artists, I would tend to think that they only ignore praise and criticism because they've advanced beyond that stage and know when they've met their personal standards. Of course, the question remains whether I would have developed this art, over time, regardless. Perhaps, but I benefited tremendously from the help I got. I guess it boils down to why you write, and what you want to do with it. And sorry your threads kinda been hijacked, mebesideme. I personally liked the structure you used, and there's alot of emotion there, another plus! Please keep posting, would love to see some more...
thank you fulmah! As soon as anyone makes critisism here someone has a go at them, for simply being helpful oh and spelling mistakes im making are a result of something called dyslexia...so dont be pathetic
my wounds my wounds are there, even though you can't see them. But if you look closely, you will see. How it was, and how it used to be. But now that I'm older, I'm well aware. Of why you left, and why you had to go there. ~*sad and all alone*~
I feel very confused today, it's like I'm in some warped parallel universe where nothing makes sense and that's how I feel about this thread... We are free to do as we wish whether it is to indulge in Critisism, Praise, Criticizing Praise, Praising Critisism or Neither or. Some people just have a critisising itch when they read a poem so they have to scratch it. So what? Is the author left in tears? Do the others feel inadequate? Are we distraught by such a profane display of selfrighteousness? What a drama.
Um. Wow. I think? Appreciate the criticism, if I were afraid of it I would not have posted. Thanks for the advice guys. I wrote this piece in a hurry. I used to post all the time in this forum but haven't been writing as much lately. I am still very depressed about the subject of the work, as I am being ignored right now by the girl it's about. She and I were deeply in love, are still in love. But her boyfriend doesn't want her to be around me or talk to me. I have decided to step away for a while, and she comes back, she will. If not, I guess I may never see her again, and that will hurt a lot. But I have dug deeply enough in this hole I am in looking for courage that it will be deep enough to protect me while I need it, but not so deep that I can't climb out. I have come to embrace being down, as a time of self examination and a time to rest.
shrug. as i've said before, it doesn't seem that those who are so avidly in favor of said "criticism" are willing to recieve criticism about their criticism. lol. much love
Look, i was just argueing my case that critisism is something which is needed on this forum. Fine that you dont agree..thats fine! but im open to critisism, what i was doing was mearly adding to the debate which was taking place. and certainly not going against recieving critisism of my critisism.
I'm with Spyder. One of the reasons I don't post so much is because I often have the itch the Kitten mentioned. I don't want to say "It's good", "It's bad", "I like", "I don't like", because I don't want to hear that myself. I want to tell you what I liked, how I felt, what I didn't like, how I didn't feel....but every time you try this, offense is taken and we can't all get along.... so the forum is bland, people can't learn, and most pieces go by without a mention........
