I’m so clumsy, i got hit by a parked car. I got myself an answering machine with the recording of a busy signal. I played poker with tarot cards. I dropped a full house and 4 people died. I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers people because I use a MEGAPHONE. I almost worked for a fire hydrant company, but I couldn’t park anywhere near the place. I got a postcard from a friend: one side has a photo of the earth, on other side he wrote “Wish you were here!” I was trying to open my door with my car keys,… I started the entire block. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect. I like to stick my head out the window, look up and smile for a satellite picture. I almost went out with a clairvoyant but we broke 15 minutes before we met. I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included,… so I had to buy them again. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? I put some wax in my humidifier, so now my room is all shiny! I went to a museum where they got all the arms and heads missing in all other museums. I parked in a tow away zone,… I got back, the entire area was gone. Everywhere is at walking distance if you have the time. I melted dry ice so I could swim without getting wet. I know when I’m gonna die cause my birth certificate has an expiration date. When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science-fiction. I got a Salvator Dali picture of two blindfolded dental hygienist trying to draw a circle on a Hetch-a-Sketch ! I had my driver’s license picture taken out of focus on purpose, so the cop would let me go if he ever stops me. I bought some powdered water but I don’t know what to add… I lost a button hole. I have a map of north-america,... and it’s actual size. (I live in E-5) I broke a mirror: that’s supposed to get me seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks her can get me five. I put a telescope on my front door peephole, so i can see who's coming for 200 miles. I put a humidifier and de-humidifier in my room, and let them fight it out. When I was young, in the back yard, we had a quick-sand-box. . . . I was a lonely child. . . eventually. My dog is very intelligent, but he's stubborn. When i call him, he ignores me a keeps on typing. I went to a 24 hour store, and the guy was closing down the place. “Aren’t you 24 hours?” He said: “Not in a row!” I spilled Spot remover on my dog, and now he’s gone.! I like to skate on the other side of the ice! I went to see a movie at the drive-in,… with a cab. The movie cost me 195$. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
those were fuckin hilarious...especially this one: I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included,… so I had to buy them again.
Henny Youngman was the king of the one liners.. Take my wife,Please! I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places so he told me not to go to those places anymore.
Somebody do a rim-shot! Ba-dum-CH! The wages of sin is death, but after taxes it's just sort of a tired feeling. Cleaning up a dirty baby with one of those wet wipes is like trying to handle radioactive waste with an oven mitt... NO GOOD! Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing its idiot. Wakka-wakka-wakka! Paging Doctor Vinnie Boom-bah!
If you like one liners, go see some rodney dangerfield. best stand up comic ever. heres a small sample: Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people. I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
We are forgetting some. - I haven't slept for 10 days, cause that would be too long - If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up - I got my hair highlighted because I thought that some strainds were more important than others - I was gonna get my teeth whitend but I said fuck it and got a tan instead - I got my palm read, I wrote something on it to see if she would read it too - I drank some boiling water cause I wanted to whistle - Can't please all the people all the time, and last night those people were at my show - Im against pickiting but I don't know how to show it Ok thats enough, and of course my sig
I saw a wino on the street eating grapes, i said dude, you have to wait. -Mitch Hedberg If thought shall put a bag over her head thought shall no none the difference (paraphrased)- benjamin franklin
You guys should watch Steven Wright's new stand-up special on Comedy Central. It's called When the Leaves Blow Away. It's 100% brand new material.
