Kelso Wars - A New Dope

Hmmmm, if I was Darth Phoenix, and had realised what KFC were going to do, I would never have started firing the methane cannon in the first place, it was a very silly idea....

 

Ever tried to hold in a truly gargantuan fart? If you've tried and failed, you'll know why the cannon firing couldn't be stopped.

 

“Fluke Powerwalker, we now present you with the Battle of Lyndia Hero Medal.” A middle aged officer walked forward holding a cushion, which the medal was resting on. Even in the dim light of the improvised ceremony hall, it shone brilliantly.

“Thank you, sir.” Fluke saluted as the medal was pinned onto his chest. As the hall erupted into applause, he gave an appreciative nod towards his squad leader Pledge Dandilles, and mercenary friend Sun Holo.



“Also, in appreciation of your efforts in the destruction of the Death Poo, we are promoting you to Lieutenant Commander and giving you a permanent position in Blue Squadron. Well done, Blue Five.”



It was only now that Fluke realised he was sitting down. He opened his mouth to say something, but was stopped by a pretty young Lieutenant dropping a peeled grape into his mouth. Never one to complain about such things, Fluke smiled and chewed on the grape.

“Do you want me to give you a shoulder rub, sir?”

“Why yes.” Fluke replied. “Yes indeed.”

Fluke sighed contently as he looked out of the window of his new starship, but what he saw outside the view port broke his mood.



“Princess Mercy, who gave you permission to paint the windows on?” He shouted. The Princess was sat outside the ship with a paintbrush and a bucket of paint labelled as ‘window flavour’.

“Freddy Freud did, sir.” Fluke twisted around to see the lovable clown/part time serial killer at the helm of the starship.

“Freddy, what were you thinking?”

“Bleep bippity bloop.” Freddy replied, although Fluke noticed that his lips didn’t move.

“Oh, don’t go ventriloquist on me!”

“Bippity beep beep!”

“You’ve still got a battle to fight, sir.” The young Lieutenant laughed and tightened her hands around Fluke’s neck.

“Bippity bloooooop.” Freddy Freud continued as Fluke struggled to breathe.

“Beep!”

“Bloop bip bip beep!”



Fluke stirred, then woke up with a start. His instinctively grabbed at his neck, trying to free himself from the Lieutenant’s stranglehold, but quickly realised that it was a safety harness strangling him. He sat up in his seat, pulling the strap back over his shoulder.id, now...th Poo!"ortlessly destroy the Death Poo from the inside out.



He was back in his starfighter.

Green letters were flashing on the display unit.



Wake up, damnit!



“I’m awake…thanks, Kat.” Fluke surveyed the view from his cockpit. “What happened?”



A series of complex bleeps from R2Kat86 translated on the video display again.



The Death Poo exploded, and it nearly took us with it.She explained. I routed all available power to shields just before it blew, lucky thing as well. We barely survived, but the fighter is a write-off. Engines are destroyed, comms are down, weapons are destroyed, shields are burnt out. And…emergency life support has cut out. I’m sorry, Fluke. You have ten minutes.



“What? No…” Fluke gazed out at the stars. “The Lieutenant in my dream…I still have a battle to fight, she said. I still have a…” Fluke trailed off in despair. Then he saw something in the distance. He squinted a little to try to make out the shapes he saw in space.

“R2…is that…”

Kat86 swiveled her dome head to see what Fluke was looking at. Using her magnifying scope, she saw an ejected KFC pilot being picked up by a small transport.

“…it’s a rescue craft!” Fluke exclaimed. “And look, it’s coming closer! It’s going to pick us up, I’m saved!”



The transport glided towards the crippled fighter. Then it stopped in its tracks, turned around and started flying back towards the planet. Fluke’s grin melted into a frown.



“What the…where are they going?” Fluke looked around for a clue as to why the transport had turned and ran, and he saw another starship heading towards his fighter from the opposite side. “Oh, I get it! This one was closer, so they’re picking me up instead!” Fluke leaned back in his seat as the huge ship’s tractor beam engaged. “You know, I get the feeling things are gonna turn out just fine…Kat, stop that beeping. You don’t have to panic anymore, we’re being picked up, we’re saved.” Fluke looked at the huge ship again.



“You know, Kat, that ship looks a lot like the PLOKs flagship…oh, crap.”



***



The tractor beam dropped the wrecked fighter in the hangar bay. Fluke hadn’t realised how badly beaten up his fighter was until he had to kick the cockpit canopy from its seal to open it. It cracked open, and Fluke stood up on his seat and surveyed the scene.



The first thing he looked at was his fighter. It hadn’t seemed so bad from the inside, but from the outside Fluke was left wondering how he was alive. Whatever parts weren’t hanging off the fuselage or missing were burnt to cinders. Something was leaking from the top of the fighter, and even Kat86 had various burns, scratches and dents.



“Well, at least we’re alive.”



The rest of the hangar bay was like any other. There were small carts of equipment scattered around, a few shuttles and a PLOKs fighter sat in the repair bay.

“Hey, R2…I reckon we could escape on one of those shuttles.” Fluke looked around. “It’s strange, there should be at least a few people around.”



“No, I ordered the entire hangar bay to be evacuated and sealed.”



Fluke looked around, trying to figure out where the voice came from. He jumped from his Starfly’s cockpit onto the hangar bay floor. “Who said that? Who’s there?”



“Over here.” Fluke looked at the PLOKs fighter in the repair bay again, and saw a figure clambering out. Whatever damage the PLOKs fighter had taken, it had obviously crushed the pilot’s hatch. The figure was wriggling his way out of the warped hatch.



“Darth Phoenix?”

“Yes, it’s me…” The figure replied. He finally freed himself from his wrecked fighter and jumped to the hangar floor. “So, Fluke Powerwalker. Fly-Gonn’s apprentice. Destroyer of the Death Poo. We finally meet.” Phoenix smiled cruelly as he unclipped his lightsabre and ignited it. “Are you ready to meet your master Fly-Gonn again?”



“Wow, what? Is he around? You didn’t really kill him?”

Phoenix rolled his eyes. “No, I didn’t kill him, remember? Someone got there before me. Shut up about that, I’m still bitter. And no, I mean I’m going to kill you.” Darth Phoenix leapt towards Fluke, crossing an astounding amount of distance in one Farce-powered jump. He held his lightsabre above his head and brought it down in a fast swing as he accroached Fluke.

Before he even knew what was happening, Fluke had unclipped his own lightsabre, ignited it and blocked the attack. The two Farce users glared at each other as their weapon blades crackled and sparked against each other.



Darth Phoenix, the better of the two swordsmen, was the first to move.He stepped backwards and swung his sword out of the lock, twisting around and making another swing at Fluke’s neck. Fluke blocked and Darth Phoenix was about to make a counter-swing, but he finally caught sight of Fluke’s lightsabre blade.



“Hey, Powerwalker…your blade.”

“What…oh, yeah. Crap.” Fluke stammered a little in embarrassment. “Long story.”

“Haha!” Phoenix relaxed his fighting stance, pointed and laughed. “Your blade is fucking pink! Haha, that’s ridiculous!” He gasped for air and tried to stop laughing, but failed. “The last of the Knights of the Farce! The galaxy’s only hope! With a pink blade! Haha!” Phoenix nearly creased over laughing.



Fluke, never one to pass up an oppurtunity, took advantage of Phoenix’s distraction. He leapt forward, swinging his right foot as hard as he could, and kicked Phoenix square in the crotch. Phoenix’s laughing fit abruptly stopped, his eyes bulged and he slowly stood back up straight.



“That wasn’t funny.” He squeaked. “Prepare to die.”

 

The fight was stupidly biased. Phoenix had the edge over Fluke in skill and fighting experience, while all Fluke had was a few silly puns and bad breath. Darth Phoenix toyed with his prey, as if prolonging the game of cat and mouse was more amusing than simply ending it.



Phoenix finally forced Fluke into a corner. A swift deflection and spin-kick sent Fluke’s lightsabre flying out of his hand, leaving him weaponless. Phoenix towered over the exhausted TattyOne farmhand as he curled up in fear.



“You’re defenceless.” Phoenix growled, pointing his lightsabre at Fluke’s throat. “I should strike you down where you stand.” Phoenix paused, allowing Fluke to feel the heat of the blade just inches from his throat. “But no. You’re the pilot who destroyed the Death Poo. You’re a great pilot and a cunning strategist…” Fluke opened his mouth to explain that the Death Poo’s destruction had all been an accident and a lucky coincidence, but something at the back of his mind told him to keep quiet. “…and you’re an apprentice of The Farce. The truth is, you would make a worthy addition to the PLOKs Empire, as a thinker and a warrior. Darth Phoenix deactivated his lightsabre and stuck his hand out to help Fluke up. “What do you say?”



Fluke looked at Phoenix’s outstretched hand. The cold shiver in his spine had spread all over his body, and every possible emotion he could feel washed over him at once. He felt anger and sadness over the friends he’d lost to the war, especially anger towards the PLOKs Empire. But within the Empire itself, as Phoenix’s apprentice, he saw a way to change that. Glancing over at his lightsabre, laying deactivated beside a tray of technician tools, he saw a quicker way to end Phoenix’s reign of terror. But as Phoenix, activated his lightsabre again, fear paralysed the young Farce apprentice.



“Which will it be, Powerwalker? Join me and serve the Emperor, or die.”



“Fluke…trust the power of The Farce…”

Fluke smiled as he grabbed Phoenix’s hand. Phoenix pulled Fluke to his feet and, instead of letting go, took the opportunity to give Fluke a firm handshake.



“I’m glad you made the right choice, my new apprentice.” Phoenix released Fluke’s hand.

“Bite me.”



Before Phoenix could react or even figure out what was happening, Fluke willed his lightsabre back to his hand. The blade sprang back to life, and Fluke immersed himself in the power of The Farce as the fierce battle began again.



Fluke and Darth Phoenix swung at each other, locking their sabres. They glared into each others’ eyes as they tried to overpower each other, a mental battle as well as a physical battle being fought. Finally, Fluke used the Farce to push Phoenix away. Phoenix toppled over, rolling onto the floor, and Fluke immediately pointed his sabre down at his enemy’s throat.

“So now the tables have turned, Phoenix.” Powerwalker willed Darth Phoenix’s sabre to his own hand, to ensure his opponent couldn’t pull the same trick that he had.

“Are you going to kill me?” Phoenix asked with a hint of sarcasm, almost daring Fluke to do so.

“No.” Fluke replied, not taking his eyes off the Dark Farce master. “But I’ll make you wish I did. I’m sure Princess Mercy will find a robotic Pete Waterman that she’d love you to meet!”



Phoenix’s mouth moved but no words came out. Then a klaxon distracted them both.



“What’s that?” Whispered Fluke.

“It’s the Imperial Command signal…” Phoenix looked at the hangar bay entry just in time to see a shuttle with high command markings touching down. “It means that a higher-ranking officer than all aboard here has landed.”

“No, seriously, what does it mean?”



“It means…” Phoenix grinned. “It means that the Emperor is on board that shuttle! Haha, I’m saved! I’m saved, and you…once the Emperor hears of your treason, you’re done for! Hahaha!”

 

Stay tuned for the 22nd and final part...coming soon...

 

The engines of the huge shuttle powered down and the boarding ramp lowered. Two High Guards of the Emperor marched down into the hangar, followed by an entire group of people, followed by another four guards.

“Princess? Captain Dandilles?” Fluke’s jaw dropped as he recognised the group. In arm-restraining chains and with the Imperial guards watching every movement, there was Princess Mercy, Sun Holo, Commander Merlin and the few surviving Death Poo attack pilots.

“Captives of the Empire.” Phoenix smiled in wicked satisfaction. “Rebel scum. They’ll get what they deserve.”



“Go fuck yourself.” Mercy spat defiantly.



Two more guards, holding brass instruments instead of weapons, marched down the boarding ramp, stood to attention and began to play the Emperor’s theme. Phoenix stood up and stood to attention. Fluke, struck dumb with surprise and defeat, didn’t even try to stop him.



Finally, the two guards finished playing the segment of the Emperor’s theme – which sounded awfully familiar to Fluke. Then a figure strode down the boarding ramp in a long black cloak. The hood covered the Emperor’s face, but Fluke could see some features. The Emperor stopped and raised his hands to pull the hood from his face. As he revealed his face, Fluke could see the dishevelled hair, wrinkling skin, strong jawline, dishevelled ears with countless earrings and studs hanging from them and the piercing, dishevelled eyes of a man who had seen everything the galaxy had to offer him. He glanced around, then exhaled a lungfull of smoke from the dishevelled joint hanging on his lips.



“Keef Richards!” Everyone exclaimed at once. He grinned and waved a little sign of acknowledgement at everyone.

“My Emperor, this man” Darth Phoenix pointed at Fluke “is the one who destroyed the superweapon, the Death Poo! I am your servant, tell me to strike him down and he will be stricken!” Phoenix grabbed Fluke’s lightsabre and raised it above his head, ready to strike - but before he could deal a fatal blow it was Farce-grabbed from his hands.



The Emperor caught the lightsabre and deactivated it, walking towards Phoenix. He closed his eyes and shook his head in disappointment.

“What?” Phoenix gasped. “You don’t want me to strike this traitor down?” Keef looked in Phoenix’s eyes, and Phoenix almost instantly crumbled. “Oh no…my lord, have I been too ruthless in enforcing your will?” Keef scrunched his face up a bit as if he was thinking about it, then nodded. He turned towards the prisoners again and waved his hand at them. Their restraints loosened and fell to the floor. Keef turned back to Phoenix and wagged his finger.



“My lord…I throw myself at your mercy!” Phoenix knelt before the Emperor. “I accept my punishment for my perversion of your rule, whatever the punishment may be!”



Keef picked Phoenix up off the floor, put his arm around Phoneix’s shoulder and winked forgivingly. Then he put his hand into his cloak pocket and produced two huge joints. Handing them to the Dark Farce master, he winked again, patted him on the back and walked back towards his shuttle.



“Wait…master…where are you going?”

Keef turned back around, pretended to think about it and shrugged. Then he smiled again, waved at everybody and boarded the shuttle again. His guards followed him, the boarding rap raised back into the body of the shuttle and the engines whined into life.



“Hey Fluke.”
”Fly-Gonn?!”

“Yeah, I’m back.” Fly-Gonn stood next to Fluke as a ghostly white apparition.

“You’re looking well…”

“Yeah, it’s not a bad life being a Farce ghost. The entire death thing was a bit weird though. My life flashed before my eyes! I woke up feeling ten stone lighter with the ability to transcend time and space. Thought I’d had my rum spiked at first, but then…wow!” Fly-Gonn stared into the distance, grinning at some memory. Then he happened to realise that Fluke was stood in a PLOKs carrier hangar, right next to Darth Phoenix and a bunch of KFC rebels, waving off a PLOKs shuttle.

“Say, I didn’t miss anything while I was gone, did I?”

“Well, the Death Poo blew up and I got in a sabrefight with Darth Phoenix. Then the Emperor came by for a bit, had a talk with him and buggered off.”

“Oh. Nice guy, that Emperor fellow. A bit dishevelled, but a nice guy.”

With everybody waving him off, the Emperor’s shuttle blasted out of the hangar and straight into hyperspace.



Everybody stood around in a circle, not sure what to say.

Darth Phoenix coughed. “Hey, Fly-Gonn.” He stammered. “I-I’m sorry about the entire trying to kill you business.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Fly-Gonn smiled. “Now, does anyone fancy a toke on these?” Fly-Gonn held two huge joints up - just as Phoenix realised he was no longer holding his two joints.

“Hey, Fly-Gonn! The Emperor gave those to me!”

“No, Darth Phoenix, they’re mine. Honestly.”

“No, they’re mine. I was going to share them, but still, the Emperor gave them to me!”

“No, they’re mine. I rolled ‘em just now.” Fly-Gonn insisted.

Phoenix scowled. “Well, if you rolled them just now, you must have your stash and rizlas with you. Show me your rolling papers and I’ll believe you.”



Fly-Gonn looked at Fluke and grinned. Then he looked back at Phoenix, waved his hand in front of Phoenix’s face and murmered cooly.



“You do not wish to see our papers…”

“I do not wish to see your papers.” Darth Phoenix repeated.

“These are not the joints you’re looking for…”

The End
​

 

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Brilliant ending! I wondered when Keef was gonna show up! What a guy....

 

Yeah, I sometimes find it hard to believe I had the Keef thing just sitting in my brain for two years before finally getting to write it down

Anyway, I've said to a lot of people who asked about having a part in Kelso Wars to watch this space many a time. After three threads and twenty two parts, I'm not sure if it'll be flogging a deceased equine...but I may as well pass it by everybody and see what the overall opinion is. I just need some more time to think about the technicalities, then I'll be set to reveal the plans for the next phase of Kelso Wars

 

*bump*...oh wait, this was sticky anyway.....d'aww

 

It's finished anyway now.


Keep your eyes peeled for my next project. If I ever finish it, that is.


.....


If I ever start it, that is.

 

what about the uk forum story?

 

The UK Forum Story rests in peace.

I never actually figured out an ending for it. When I started writing it, I thought "I'll keep going for as long as people are interested, or until I run out of ideas"...then I ran out of ideas


However, I have a few other things going on right now...more on them later...(damn I love being all mysterious )

 

nooooooooooooooooo

i-need-more-of-your-mad-creativity....

get-back-to-your-dungeon-and-drag-out-another-story-or-the-dog-gets-it

 

Ahh, crazy days....

 

I demand to be in the next one!!

 

And the irony is, poor Kelso is out there somewhere completely unaware of this - I think he'd be horrified if he knew....

 

Where is the boy these days.. havent heard from him in flippin yonks

 

I see him round Cambridge every now and again, bumped into him at a rave there last year, think he's quite into that scene at the moment. He seems happy in love too, so all's well I think....

 

Bless him

 

Love, eh? I thought I was in love once. Turned out it was just a stomach ulcer.