Don't Look Now Your Mama's Got Her Boobs Out...

was either written for my aunt debbie or my friend. my family is so obnoxiously redneck that it's impossible not to adore them. they're like a circus sideshow, but free. they're so awesome. at my grandmother's 70th birthday party at the elks lodge or somesuch bastion of redneckity, my aunt debbie walked around with a pitcher of beer with two straws in it.

who are your favorite outrageous relatives? what do they do that is just spectacular?

 

My relatives are all pretty tame. I'm probably the one that gets talked about by all them

 

Hmmm, that's a tough one. I don't think any of my relatives are really outrageous in any way. A bit psycho perhaps, but...

 

mine would point at me, I tend to do some off the wall shit.

 

Ok, I got one. My mom's brother has been married five times.
This man is close to sixty years old. He has three adult sons in their twenties from wife number two, and two sons that are around kindergarten age with this fifth wife of his.
He lives in a trailer, not that there is anything wrong with it, but he makes plenty of money to have already bought a house or two by now.
Instead, he blew the majority of his money on ingorant shit.
He bought a donkey for the kids and built a fence for it to live in.
Later that same year, he bought another one. I'm not talking about a horse, I mean an actual damned donkey.
This man brags about how he went to college and is just so smart.
His personality is like Dr. Phil minus the degree to back it up.
So, my mother was talking about his poor wife and she said to me, "You know, I feel bad for Ginger, she married a total fool. She has a jackass or two in her backyard and one in her house."
Jerry Springer show needs to call him.

 

did your grandma pull out her whoppers?

 

most of my relatives are pretty down to earth, at least around each other. my grandma and her husband are both drinkers though... her husband gets a little weird but he's nice.

 

My family is pretty cool. My Uncle does shrooms.. but other than that.. pretty cool people. wouldnt change them at all.

 

My great grandmother died when I was really young, but everyone used to tease her about getting remarried. Her response was always, "I wouldn't have anything to do with another man even if he had a golden asshole." Why having a golden asshole would be a good thing I have no idea. My family is full of generally pissed off old people. We seem to live forever. My great aunt Evelyn told me that she is thinking about getting married again before she dies so that she will have the longest name on the family monument thing - she's in her 90's.

 

The one I liked died a few years back. I don't care for most of my relatives

 

man. your families are no fun at all. dave's mother laughs until she cries over other people's clumsy accidents. dave's sister's hands are eternally sticky. we have a collage of funny marcie pictures. my mother likes to play senile when we go shopping...sometimes she'll lay down in the aisle and tell people you hit her and won't let her drive the cart. my dad thinks he's charming. my husband chants "beef, it's what's for dinner" in an endless litany every time he gets a cold, trying to sound like sam elliot. my little sister can drink anyone under the table and carry them home but looks super in a teeny bikini. my brother james stutters whenever he's lying to trying to manipulate you.

c'mon. you people can think of something funny.

 

i'm the really boring relative. but i absolutely adore the antics my family gets up to.

 

one night my dad, who's 66, was out playing darts and stuff, and he got really really drunk and couldn't drive home. so my sister had to drive to long beach ot pick him up. she had some of her buddies in the car with her, and my dad made a point of mocking each and every one of them, thinking he was really funny and giggling and doing his best thespian "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" in the back seat.

 

wait, you have a grandmother who is 70, and a dad who is 66?? woah....... how old is your mom?


my family is all pretty tame. theyre all german catholics though......

I do have an uncle who was telling people at my grandmothers funeral that he was going to request that he would be creamated at his own funeral and have his ashes dumped in a barrel and charge people 10 bucks to piss on his ashes..... and he would make his brother (another uncle) a millionaire

 

haha.

my dad is a really fit old fucker. we've got lots of "steps" in the family. my grandmother is a step grandmother. my mom also married a man older than she is. not really all that unusual.

 

my dad keeps trying to steal my little sister's liquor the way he used to steal my playboys when they came in the mail.

 

I think I am Marilyn in the Munster family.

 

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Exactly.