Some are funny, some just sound like they were made by angry band nerds. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you? You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have machines to do that now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car? He had to break a window to get the drummer out! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock always slows down. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know if a drummer's platform is level? The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do trumpet players park in the handicap spots? They put drumsticks on the dash. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change it, and the other four to stand around and talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two drummers walk into a bar, which is actually kind of funny, because you would think that the second guy would have seen the first one do it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In English: How do you know there's a drummer at the door? Because he doesn't know when to enter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man died and soon after, went to Heaven. He discovered Heaven was an endless hallway with doors to the left and right. On the door was your I.Q. number. He went to door 160, and found the people there talking about quantum physics. He slammed the door and went to door 120. He found the people there trying to figure out as many decimal places of pi that they could. He shut the door and went to 80. He found the people in there talking about lastnight's Packer game. He thought to himself, "I'll come back to this one later," and shut the door. He walked all the way down to 16, and found the people in there talking about Sunday's episode of "King of the Hill." He shut the door, and went to door 7. He foung the people in there drooling on each other. Lastly, he went to door 3. He opened the door and heard one of the people say, "My sticks were Zildjian, what were yours?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a drummer sick of all of the "stupid drummer" jokes decided to change instruments. So he went to the local music store and said that he wanted to learn a new instrument. The store owner cheerfully replied ok and asked what he would be interested in playing. After looking around the shop he said I'll try those things over there, pointing to the accordion section. After looking through the accordions from over an hour the shop keeper said, "Have you found what you looking for?" The drummer replied, "Yes, I'll take that big red one over there." The store keeper smiled and and stared laughing. When the drummer asked why he was laughing the store keeper replied, "Are you a drummer, son?" "Yeah!" replied the drummer. "Well that big red thing is a radiator" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? A drum machine can keep a steady beat and won't steal your girlfriend! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one; he holds it and the world revolves around him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common? A: They both suck without Cream. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are drummers always losing their watches? A: Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a drummer who's lost his girlfriend? A: Homeless. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a kid with a set of drums? A: The poster child for Birth Control. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a bunch of kids with drums? A: Jerry's Kids. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you call a drummer? A: You can't. They don't pay their phone bill. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What should you call a drummer? A: It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you confuse a drummer? A: Give him a piece of sheet music. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What would you call the smartest drummer in the world? A: Mildly retarded. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the best protection the Secret Service could have against a Presidential assassination? A: Make a drummer the Vice-President. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle? A: A dope ring. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do drummers have lots of kids? A: They're terrible at the rhythm method. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man was looking for a new brain. He went to a brain surgen and told him of his problem. The surgen said, " I only have three brains left." The man said, " Well what's the cheapest?" The surgen said, " I have a doctor's brain for cheap." The man said," We'll that's great, what else do you have?" The surgen said, " I also have the brain of a rocket scientist, but that's just a little more pricy." The man replied, " Wow if you have the brain of a rocket scientist, the last one must be really smart." The surgen said, " The most expensive one I have, is a dummer's brain." The man said, " Why is a drummer's brain so expensive?" The surgen replied, " We'll because it's never been used before." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond? One will mature and make money. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Did you ever hear about the drummer who finished high school? No. A. Me neither! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this guy goes into a store walks up to the counter and says "I'd like a Mashall HiWatt 360 watt ampflicator and a fender Geetar with the fried rose tremolo- The guy stops him right there and says "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Uh, yeah. You did you know?" "This is a travel agency." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you know when a drummers outside your door? A. The knock gets faster. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A drummer dies and goes to heaven. Outside the Pearly gates he's talking to St. Peter about the band. "Who" askes the drummer "do you have playing here?". "Everybody" says St. Peter, "We've got Billie Holliday, Ella and Bessie Smith sharing vocals, Duke Ellington and Count Basie on piano, the saxes you just wouldn't believe'" "So," askes the drummer, "who leads the band?" St. Peter waits just a second before answering and replys, "Well, it's God of course, but occaisionally he thinks He's John Dankworth". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend? homeless. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer? A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's G-d. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two drummers walk into a bar... which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson. "I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?". The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer? A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a drummer use for contraception? A: His personality! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?") -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? You have to plug one of them in before it sucks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Hmmm... that inspires a turnaround variation...) Why are bad drummers better than drum machines? You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money? The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a drummer." His mother scoffs and replies... "Well, you can't do both."
