I Don't Know What The Problem Is

communication issues I suppose. But I really thought we'd dealt with this a year ago.

I'm having trouble with him and his emotions. He is depressed, I suppose you could say, but when he is bothered he doesn't say what's wrong with him, even when I ask, and then later on, when he's fed up, he yells, insults, gets angry, and I then hear what it is about me that he dislikes.

I can take constructive criticism, but I can't take people being mean to me. If you don't like something about me, tell me in a decent tone of voice and with a little respect. And for god's sake don't pretend I'm perfect and nothing about me annoys you, until you can't take it anymore.

I will never see your point, I will never change that way. As a matter of fact it makes me even more pissed off that you don't open up to me.

Then after we argue, after awhile he'll come wherever I am and just stand there looking depressed and pathetic, like he's waiting for me to say something, and I don't for quite awhile, because I'm pissed that you're breathing down my back and not saying anything.

Then about an hour later we will have to say something to each other, or I worry about him and ask him if he's alright and he apologizes. But so much drama could be avoided and we could actually grow in our relationship, if he would put some effort in acknowledging our problems, and not hiding so much emotional shit from me.

I'm sorry but it's a huge pet peeve of mine to deny emotions, it pisses me the hell off, and I start to question whether I can be with someone who puts no effort into dealing with emotions in a better way.

 

I'm sorry hon
It's really hard for people to acknowledge their emotions a lot of the time. A lot of the piddly/temporary crap I feel I won't bring up if it doesn't seem serious or worth mentioning. But I'm the sort who rarely stays mad for more than five or ten minutes at a time, and even that's rather rare, most people aren't wired quite that oddly.

 

Sorry it took me so long to get to this one... I missed it before with so much happening in my own life.

I'd absolutely love to give you an easy fix on this, honeyhannah... but I'm a bad one to respond I guess because I agree with you 100%. I think it's manipulation where someone denies any problem exists then saves up the ammo to unload when they're angry. This person is basically a drama queen... or in this case, a drama king. You can't punish someone verbally and then think that apologizing makes it all better. That's basically an abusive type of behavior. I hate to say that because anytime you tell a woman this, 98% of the time they say "But he's such a sweet guy the rest of the time...", and then they begin defending the guy who they were just pissed at. Women are brainwashed to forgive because it's "for the good of the relationship". "He can change" is a great concept, but why doesn't he fix the problem rather than continuing the behavior?

Okay, now that I've said all that, there's really only one thing you can legitimately do. You can't make someone else change. You don't have that right to say, "You can't do that. You have to change for me." I don't have that right. Nobody has that right. But we do have the right not to subject ourselves to the situation. All we can do is say, "You can do what you want, but so long as this behavior goes on, I can't be with you." Period. And you have to be willing to back it up. You have to set the boundary and then enforce it. This is important with mates just like it's important with raising children. You don't have to say "I'm outta here!" But you have the right to say "This pisses me off, and an apology doesn't fix it. You can stop, or I have to be somewhere else." Ultimately, that's the only final defense anyone has in a relationship.

I just wish I had an easier fix for you. Sometimes relationships just suck.

 

i think the first thing you need to ask yourself is, do you really love this guy? if that's a yes, then maybe you should just tell him "i need to have an adult conversation with you" and tell him everything you just said. then go from there. if he's more of a headache though, then i would just leave. don't go through all that drama and stress.

 

how much she loves him makes no difference, ultimately. Foxes was completely 100% right. He's emotionally manipulative, and that is indeed abusive behavior the OP is describing. It will only get worse the longer you put up with it. His hurtful words will eat into your soul and start eroding your self-confidence away if you let it continue. There's never any excuse for anyone to do or say harmful things to the person they claim to love. No excuse.

 

Or maybe he really is depressed and needs some happy pills.

 

I've been in your shoes, Hannah. He really needs to chill out a little. I can't blame ya for feeling the way you do about his attitude.

 

Definitely agree with the majority here. You have to tell him you won't tollerate it and while he's acting like that, you can't be with him.