I just feel so bad sometimes for my dd growing up in the rural south when none of her classmates seem to have a clue about issues that affect our choices. Like appearance and society's expectations of girls/women, shaving her legs, how her eyebrows look, etc, like in the shaving thread, and using reusable menstrual products, not wearing the "in" clothes, etc. Her previous best friend has dumped her this year because she's not "cool" enough. No real loss, but it still hurt her. I think her menstrual period is right around the corner and I just know girls at school are going to tease her about the products we choose to use. She tries to educate people about issues, but that goes over like a lead balloon. Has anyone here faced these issues themselves or with their dd? Should I be expecting somewhat of a rejection of what she is taught at home (about women issues, society's expectations, etc) as she gets older and tries out her wings?
She's going to need a strong friend who understands. Especially someone her own age. This time in a young woman's life, she is relying more the advice of her peers and is trying to understand that *world* around her. The best thing to do for her, is to give her some sense of responsibilty and positive re-enforcement for the good choices that she is already making and will be making. Give her books to read about subjects that are more adult than what you may think she is ready for. Shift the focus from how she appears - to what she is actually doing with herself. Think of her in terms of actions and behaviours and how much attention that is wasted on looking pretty and thinking constantly about how she looks will slowly sink to the bottom. Get her to sign up for a club at school. Tell her that she has to do 1 thing at school (either music, jazz, theatre, chess, sports, tech, WHATEVEr!). That way she still has something to look forward to while going to school and can branch out and find other friends that share her interests and can help her grow into a woman who never gave up. She is young, and does need to find the values that she has come to love and accept at home in the world outside. It's important for her to feel some merit in what she does, especially when people are "dumping" her and making her feel like her self-worth just isn't good enough for a certain crowd. ... Also, at this stage in life - a person has the habit of living a very isolated and tunnel-viewed perception of the world. Everything is scrutinized and critical when it comes to appearances at this age. You forget that there is anything else, but junior high. Which is why it's important to start looking at other hobbies, jobs and ways to enrich her first-hand accounts of what the world is. There are LOTS of people out there who don't care how she dresses when she shows up for band practice, and who value her as a person. She just needs to experience it to believe it.
I'm always so sorry to hear about things like this happening...I was teased and dumped all the time in school cuz I was just too weird. It's hard to tell someone her age that there's more to life than just jr high because that's the most she's experienced. She doesn't know what comes after. Aristartle is right on, find something that she enjoys. That was the only way that I stayed sane. Ironically, it was my choice of activity that casue the teasing and scrutnizing (I liked music, but not the same kinds that other people my age did, and I got booed off so many stages regardless of all the awards and scholoarships I won). But seriously, that was the one thing that i could turn to when life felt like it was getting too hard to navigate my way through. If I was having trouble with friends or homework, I would start to sing for a while or practice my voice lessons homework and it helped a million times over. I hope that your dd gets through these times ok. She is a very special person for being such an individual! Make sure she is reassured of that everyday! People like her are a rare and wonderful kind!
now that was an extremely ignorant statement on your part! Anyways, When I was 12ish my friends at the time completely ditched me because of the way I looked. The funniest thing about it is the same girls that made fun of me got pregnant at the age of 15/16 and didn't go to college. What I would do is stress the fact that people who make fun of others have problems in their own lives and that they are the ones who fail in life. There are many other people in the universe that are worth waiting for. I went through a long period of time without friends and it made me stronger. Good luck!
Ignorance is obviously alive and well in all parts of the world. Your post proves it. Those sort of teen issues aren't isolated to one geographical region. When I was between 12 and 14, the world revolved around fitting in. That's what public schools teach us, conform or be an outcast. It was all a big popularity contest, and people like myself were losing in a big way. I found out that the people worth having as friends valued my individuality, but it took a few years to realize it. I also found that I was never happy when I was trying to be like everyone else, because I could never really be like them. I think I was 16 when I decided it was okay to be different and to not conform, threw away all my preppie clothes, and shaved my head into a mohawk. Anyway, my point is, that it's your daughter's journey to make. If she's real, rather than a big phony, and I have no doubt she is with you for her mom, she will figure out that the illusion her classmates are after isn't worth the effort to maintain. But nothing you or anyone else says can teach her that lesson, it's one she'll have to figure out on her own. It sure sux to be a teenager, luckily it doesn't last more than one decade!
The above advice about supporting her getting into clubs all of that I definitely agree with... But... Based on myself and what I saw of a few friends doing, yes. I wouldn't say a complete rejection, but a temporary one. Now is the time to experiment. Everyone is doing it, and, well, the consequences are less costly than if you show up to work in a corporate office with a purple mohawk! But, she needs to go through this to learn who she really is inside and, well, who she wants to become. So, I would suggest bracing for what may feel like a complete rejection of your values. As long as she is not putting herself at risk, I would suggest allowing her a wide range for experimentation (wearing makeup, shaving, wearing trendy clothes if she can come up with money for them, etc.) without criticism. And that will be hard. But, keep in mind, that I and every one of the few (so not a huge sample!) friends I saw go through this eventually came back to being much closer to those earlier instilled values. The ones who took longest to do it were the ones who had to battle the hardest to get that space to experiment. So, be prepared for what will feel like a serious rejection of you and the things you've taught her, but realize it's only a phase (but don't tell her that, or you'll seem condescending!). And there are kids who never do go through this... But I did, as did others that I knew... So it's worth being prepared for -- hope for the best, plan for the worst, right?
lots of great advice here. thanks! Even FFF . don't think I dont think about at least moving to Asheville where diversity seems to be accepted. Both of the kids would be stressed by that kind of move though, so it would be more of a last resort. They do spend a month each summer and a week in the spring and in December in FL with their dad where they have seen a lot of diversity. I do anticipate it getting tougher each year as they progress in school. My 12 year old son (who I embarass on a regular basis) does have a cool female friend who actively bucks the crowd with her hairstyle, clothing, and attitude though. There just isnt anyone else like that right now at dd's school. I think she will find more diverse friends in middle school.
as a girl who grew up in rural NC not too long ago, i feel your daughter's pain it's almost like a right of passage though - it was awful at the time, but now at the grand old age of 23 it feels like distant past. strangely, i now live in the DC metro area and it seems that although this is a politically liberal area, i feel like the "hip" element is totally missing. there's a lot more "yup" than "hip," believe me!! anyway the one thing that really jumped out in your post was the part about how she tries to educate her classmates, and from my experience it was ALWAYS a bad choice to attempt that - which don't get me wrong, it totally sucked. but if you want to get through with the least ridicule and emotional distress, the best way is to live and let live. i could not even count how many times i tried to explain vegetarianism, not wearing a bra, you name it - and it got me NO WHERE. by high school i just quit bothering with it and life was easier (not really what i'd call fun all the time either, but not as difficult as it is when people see you as an antagonist - and no matter how kind and uncondescending your daughter is when she talks to people about her choices, they will see it that way). good luck to you both - and asheville is definitely an awesome town though i think boone is way more into the not shaving and stuff
I have four kids, ages 20, 18, 15 and 6. When a kid becomes a teen their peer group becomes as important as their family. This IS healthy. Not that you dd should do anything and everything to "fit it" but she should be able to make her own choices about many thing. This kinda rang a bell with me (having seen TWO girls through menarch, myself) You use "WE." Is it really WE or is it YOU who has made this choice? When my oldest dd got her first Moon Time I was SO excited. I wanted a Moon Party, I wanted her to use cloth pads, I wanted to plant a rose bush (red, of course) and bury her first pad under the bush ect. SHE, however, hated these ideas, "A PARTY? You want to plant a bush, with my PAD? CLOTH PADS? AT SCHOOL? Oh My GOD, mom that's gross. I am NOT doing that. Just show me where the throw away pad you use when you have those bad cramps, show me how to put them on ONCE, then just leave me alone in the bathroom and I'll use those. OK?" I HAD TO respect my dd's feelings, MORE than my preconcieved notions of MY choices are. With kids, sometimes what they feel is important is more important than some of our ideas or IDEALS about things. Respecting my kids is, IMO, more important than making her use a cloth pad, especially in school or at activities where it might be something she finds won't work for her. Of course, there are limits. I have sent a teenage girl upstairs to put on something that covered her belly. I have sent a teenage boy upstairs to put a damn belt on, but in these cases, they may not have understood the image they were projecting with these things. What I mean is you have to choose your battles wisely. Teens are going to basically butt head with you and your partner about just about everything. You need to know what is really important, or SAFE, and stick to these things as the things that are "Rules" in the house. Because, if things are too "differnent" or you project to her that everything her peer see as "cool" is unimportant, compared to what you think is right, she may just go over your head. These are the kids who dress and act the way mom and dad want, and then change on the way to school. OR outright rebell completely. You don't want your dd to be one of those girls who hides her period, because she doesn't want to do what YOU say is best for YOU, without her having a say in it. Respect the child and her needs. One of her needs IS a peer group. Let her make decisions about many things, so that when it is REALLY important, you can say "That isn't going to happen.' and it will be novel, rather than added to a list of 1000 things "not allowed." I have to agree with the poster who commented on the comment about "educating her peers." Uh, if she has a really good freind, and they get on the subject, and she explains her own opinion about it that's fine, but "teaching" to ones peers in Jr High or High School is going to go over like a lead ballon. We had some neighbors who were born again Christians. Their kids were educated at a Christian Born Again school, for primary school, they had a huge list of things they couldn't do, go our on Haloween, watch many TV shows (tame stuff like the Simpsons and Are You Afraid of the Dark) they had to dress a certain way, the girls could not cut their hair, and they were made to EVANGALISE to their "freinds" when they went to public High School Oh, my. Lemme tell you how well this worked. The kids had a rough time teenagers do not want to be preached to, especially by someone their own age. So, the oldest boy moved out, before he finished HS. The older girl not only immediatly cut her hair, moved out at about 18, but is known as the Town Tramp. The younger one. well, let's say, she was never allowed to celebrate Halloween, so now every day is Halloween. Goth kids don't bother me, but they sure bother HER parents. I saw this girl the other day, black leather bikini top, blackspandex mini skirt, fishnets, dyed, short dark black hair, black finger nails, and a purse shaped like a coffin AND a necklace with an upside down crucifix. Whew. you may say "so what?" Thing is, her parnents thought THEIR way was more important than allowing their kids to experiement and do THIER own thing. Major rebellion. The more rigid a parent is about something like this, the more likely TOTAL rejection of your values will be. Kids have to be free to experiment, make freinds, and even make their own mistakes. If the values are presented in a flexible manner, the child is more likely to take on these values LATER, when they are done experiementing. Beleive me, I've been there. My kids have taught me more, than I probably taught them. Good luck.
Maggie, thank you for the time and thought you put into your post. Can I ask- did any of your daughters ever come to see that her period was something special, or do they still think the whole thing is gross? I am pretty accepting about most things, but I'm not sure if I want to buy disposable pads and tampons with applicators for her to add to the landfills. I guess we can play that one by ear. I hear you though, and though I know the rebellion is probably coming, I just dont feel prepared.
I work in Winston! We live near Pilot mountain. It seems like just that 30 miles results in a huge difference in thinking though. There's not much activism in Winston, but at least there is some acceptance of differences. Glad to hear you made it out okay.
My girls don't think menstruation is "gross" my older one (now 20) thought having a party about it, and planting a bush in "it's" honor was. My two older girls are both pretty comfortable with their menstration. My oldest is comfortable enough to talk about it, even in front of her dad. "OMG, I am so crabby and have cramps. I must be getting my period." The 18 year old is a little quieter about it, but still comfortable with it. Yeah, I buy the disposible pads. Of course, they often don't tell me when they are about to run out, only when they ARE out. I've had bad periods, where I just use the throw awy ones, becuase I'm in too much pain to bother with cloth, soaking them, ect, and I go and get one and they're all gone. Seeing as we all menstruate at the same time, the one with the least cramps (usually the 18 year old, Moon) had to go out and get them. But, I'm the mom, so I pay for them. (beleive it or not, it is the ONE thing my dh won't buy on his own. We've been together 28 years and he still doesn't buy "sanitary products." ) Talk to your dd before she starts her Moon Time. See how she feels about what she wants to use ect. How old is she?
i actually grew up in troy, nc - which is WAY BACK WOODS it's a little south of the zoo in asheboro and in the middle of no where. winston salem is awesome though, at least once you're in college - all my friends went to the school of the arts (though i went to wake). pilot mountain is beautiful too!
She's 10. We have had some conversations about it. I'm a nurse so they've always had anatomical things explained to them, and we have an old anatomy book on the kids book shelf. I briefly explained the menstruation process from ovulation on to my 12 yr old son a few days ago, so he can have some understanding of it too. I beleive she has the general gist of it, but I have ordered 2 books- A Time to Celebrate:Celebration of a Girl's First Menstrual Period and First Moon: Celebration and Support for a Girl's Growing up Journey. My hope is that this can be viewed as a special time for her, which is not how it was when I was growing up. She's all about wanting to sew, so maybe she'll want to pick out some fabric and make some pads.
