Feeling ashamed for not being 'normal'... Advice please?

I will try and make this brief and not to get into really deep details, as this is kinda private. But I am in a possible relationship... With a bi-curious guy things seemed to be going okay, and while we seem close... We are having issues due to me having absolutely no self esteem, and being ultra unstable emotionally. As well as self shame. I have NEVER been in a relationship, I am very inexperiened first off. Anyways, one of my main issues is this. And I think I know whats behind my gender identity issues. I grew up fairly neutral, but once I was in my teens and noticed I was attracted to other males, I felt immense shame, like it was okay for others males to feel this way, but not myself. If I feel 'this way' stronger towards males than females, I figured it was 'too weird', and that even if I am okay with other people being that way, I won't allow myself to be a male attracted to other males.

So I tried to force myself to be a female, maybe if I am feminine enough, in spite of it not technically being heterosexual, at LEAST I'll seem normal... But trying to force myself to be as pure strictly feminine, as Barbie, has proven almost as stressfull as when I forced myself to be like GI Joe. I only feel comfortable with my 'feelings' towards other males, and especially this guy, when I forget I am male myself. It just makes me feel more 'normal', and takes away all the shame I feel. Don't take me wrong I highly frown upon homophobia, but I seem to have old feelings of homo-negativity.
I dislike homophobes, and I can perfectly accept other peoples homosexuality, but not my own. I am starting to hate myself, and I feel deformed. I grew up as a fairly 'normal' guy, and there is much evidence I am not a female. It's not that I feel ashamed about being attracted to males, but I still have this irrational shame. It's being attracted to the same thing you are, part I feel ashamed of. If my sex were changed swiftly, I wouldn't feel this shame. I feel ashamed because I am a male ATTRACTED to males. And I have lately disliked myself just for being a male due to this.

Sorry if this offends, and I apologize about how overtly emotional this is, but I am having these irrational emotions lately. The more I become aware of being more attracted to males, then females, the more ashamed I feel of my own boilogically male body. My extremely low self esteem, deep shame of acknowleding I am a male, attracted to a male, and highly unstable emotions are making things very difficult. (I went through a period, where I tried forcing myself to be a girl, so it wouldn't feel as 'unusual' for a while, and it just conflicted with my neutral identity, as much as forcing myself to be macho did). Can anyone relate? Any advice? I apologize if this seems ridiculous.

Note: I know actual transgendered people, have different motives than me, and aren't trying to 'deny' anything, and I never said my feelings were justified, I know they are 'wrong' but I cannot seem to get rid of these obviously illogical issues. And I don't have problems with OTHER people like this, it's mostly just me having very low self esteem. And ever since acknowleding my attraction to some males, I have trouble accepting I am a male myself.

I am well aware of my irrationality, and that these emotions have no logic to them, but they seem burried deep in me, and won't go away. I really dislike homophobia believe me, and I dislike intolerance as much as most here, but I seem to be having issues with internalized homonegativity. He likes me because I am a feminine male, he doesn't want me to get a sex change to seem more 'normal', and I just seem to have trouble accepting I am a male, due to the definite homosexual urges. I know what I describe isn't typical, but it can't be that rare can it?

I know this is ridiculous, but these emotions won't seem to go away, and I think I may need some advice, and to see if anyone relates.

 

How much have you talked to others you know about all this? I have low self-esteem a lot too, and my friends have done wonders in the past for it when I'm at my lowest moments...

I don't really know what I, someone you don't personally know, can say to really help out except that I've liked you a lot from what posts I've seen from you and have definitely related to some things you've said, here and elsewhere. Just remember that you are not alone and that you have NOTHING to be ashamed of, we all struggle with accepting parts of ourselves we're only human.

And I mean obviously this guy likes you, so that shows that there's nothing "wrong" with you at all...of course you know that, emotions can simply be hard to shake sometimes. Just keep being open and talking to people and things will get better over time.

 

Only three people know, myself the anonymous person I mentioned, and a close friend.

Same. That and humor.

Thanks.

Human sexuality tends to be fueled with emotion, it's also related to reproduction and all sorts of political/religious/ things, I probably shouldn't mention in this subforum section. But it's no suprise it is so controversial. Even though at times it seems so obviously irrational, how people get worked up over it. Then again emotions aren't said to be something logical, and I've come accross a common opinion I respect from some, that you cannot use logic to understand illogical or irrational emotions, because in there very nature, they are not a logical or rational thing. Anyways thats kinda another subject all together I think. It is hard not drifting off topic, when speaking of a highly controversial subject, so widely visible in the world, and so firmly tied in, with powerfull irrational emotions.

I try to be as open as I can. This guy is still in the closet, and he isn't sure if he is bisexual or just pansexual. He has a crush on my personnality, but just doesn't know about physical aspects in terms of attraction, with another male. Right now were waiting a year, for him to still figure himself out, and also be old enough to move out. He's 15 by the way. Not much of an age difference in actuality, but around 16 so many changes occur, and he does apparently have a homophobic family, so I'll need to wait a while, and be caughtious. He does seem worth the wait however. It won't be much of a difference in a few years from now.

Maybe the wait itself serves a purpose anyways. By then my hair will be ever longer plus my acne will be likely cleared up even more, so I'll likely be more attractive on my first impression. I plan on going to college once I move up to Oregon, and finding some job or another. It's going to be challenge, he has a homophobic family, and lives on almost the opposite side of the Country, I need to do a lot of things within a certain (thankfully controllable) time period, and make sure I don't mess up, he will be fully relying on me, so I had better be carefull to plan with great caution, skill, and play my cards right.

 

Plain and simple, Ive spent almost 50 years being " DIFFERENT " than most people around me, and as Ive gotten older, Ive found that its not such a tragedy. Why do you want to fit in so badly with those people that would put you down for being who you are ?

 

I believe it's probably related to Herding, or Mob Mentality. Only in a much less extreme, less hostile form. Rather than "I better do what the normal people say, and try to be like them, because normalness is the only right way, and being different is wrong' view', or the "I want to be in a large group, and push around those less capable of defending themselves", or anything along those lines... It's more like how I feel being surrounded by many ants.

Homosexuals and other sexual minorities, face great opposition (Great as in high in magnitude not as in 'good'), they have a significant amount of allys compared to the past, but still much more opposition. When I think of these people I describe, I want to 'fit in' with, it's more like I am scared to oppose a stronger group, a group I know is at least larger, and has more social legal and political power. I feel like I am an ant, with only 50 other ants, surrounded by some 40,000 amounts of opposing ants, which are twice as big, have sharper teeth and all that. I guess I am just afraid of having to deal, with having many people opposing me. I guess it's my instinctual fear, of having many enemies of my own species. Being visible to them, not being able to blend in, and sometimes being forced into conflict with them, when I know I am the 'under dog'.

If homosexuals weren't such easy targets, and all this Anti-gay stuff were as rare today, and frowned upon as racism, I wouldn't be feeling this way. I know if I am open, I will have those supporting me, but I also face conflict from many people. And while I am a pacafist, I'll just use this as an example... I feel the same way a soldier in an army, about to take on a much more large army feels. Being forced to face opposition from countless people, which most never have to deal with to such an extreme extent, and the overwhelming feeling, of you're enemies far outweighing you're allies. The same kind of pressure.

I feel the same way a poor person, who got in a legal dispute with a rich person, and had to go to court would. I know I am the under dog. I know I am in the weaker smaller group. I know most people have fairly hard lives, and there are a FEW minoritys even more irrationally hated, but if you're trying to lead an easy life, and try to constantly evade any conflict even non-voilent, it gets rough being homosexual. And it could just partially be, that I am an extremely passive person.

In response to something I missed earlier @ "TreeFiddy How much have you talked to others you know about all this? I have low self-esteem a lot too".

A few times, at least 4 times, but not 10 times quite. The conversations were long and went on for hours, even if they weren't many in how many conversations themselves based off this subject were.

 

come on, that's perfectly normal to love some1 and it completely doesn't metter what gender he or she is.
you just wannna change yourself coz of others, coz of what ppl say but you should decide yourself what gender you're attracted to. you can't change from homosexuality to heterosexuality. you can just turn into an asexual but i don't personally think that's a good choice.
when i was like 15 or 16 i have had same thoughts as you do. i'm sure you'll accept yourself as you are, you just need some time...

 

Look, my friend; if you can figure out 'normal,' then you can be ashamed. Until then you're as 'normal' as the next person. Ask any shrink! Go on! Go see one and ask about normal. To be able to accept oneself as is and move on with life is the most normal of all. If there are any deviations, they are from the people who can't accept other folks for who they are. They will spend their lives hating, putting down, and wishing the whole world would be as they - crazy. You call that normal?? That's the Dobsons, Fallwells, "religious right,' American Airlines, and the rest of the bashers - at least in the US ! You must have some in the UK. Welcome to normal - it's a blast.