Friends of the opposite sex and their significant others

Alright, here's the deal.

I have a great male friend. He and I hit it off since the first day of university five years ago. We've hung out a lot (less now that I'm busy working two jobs) and know eachother very well.

Here's the problem, however, everytime he gets into a relationship his girlfriends get jealous of our friendship...which ends up causing problems in their relationship, forcing them to break up. They end up giving him an ultimatum, "her or me" and he always picks our friendship over their relationship. I have NEVER EVER asked him to do that, that's for sure, but I feel like our friendship gets in the way of his happiness...and I end up messing up all of his relationship.

They all hate me...which I can't figure out, because I'm always nice to them. I think what really freaks these girls out is that his parents LOVE me...they will talk about me to his girlfriends (so says Chris) and everything. They don't do it on purpose to make them feel bad, I don't think, but it always ends up that way.

The girlfriend he is with now, I just met today...she gave me the biggest sneers and smirks....and I was nothing but pleasant to her. I'm happily in a relationship...and have been for a year now...and Chris definitely knows that, so I'm assuming she has to too...

I don't know how I end up being a threat to these girls. I'm not interested, at all, in dating Chris...We've established that long ago...

I've tried being friends with these girls...and make them feel comfortable with Chris and my friendship, but something clicks in these girls that make them get jealous and possessive. A part of me thinks it's GOOD that he weeds through these girls fairly quickly and figures out how they are...but another part of me doesn't think it's fair to Chris.

Anyone had any experiences like this? What did you do? Any advice you can give me?

 

I have never really been in that position but jealousy is common when one person has a close friend of the oppisite sex. It is hard for the other to believe that their is nothing going on there. That could definately put a strain on his relationships. I think it is his call anyway. If he decides that the freindship is costing him too much let him end it. It sounds like you are doing everything you can by being extra nice to them. Hopefully he will find someone who won't be so insecure about your relationship eventually but don't count on it.

 

I just think it sucks that I should end my friendship with someone just because some stupid, immature girls think they can't trust a guy. I often feel like this is the story of my life...It's happened with guy friends in high school too.

The crazy part of it is...the girls he goes out with are pretty attractive...way cuter than me...I shouldn't be a threat at all!

 

If the issue has anything to do with you, it may be a reaction to how he acts around you or looks at you or talks about you or whatever. In which case, that is his issue, not yours. Not knowing much about the dynamics of your relationship with him -- are you somewhat flirty, are you touchy feely, etc. -- it's hard to suggest whether there is anything you could do or whether there is any real basis on which to bring the issue up.

From a completely different angle, is this more a matter of his poor taste in women than an issue related to your friendship? Is there something about him that causes him to pick up insecure, jealous women? I mean, does he tend to go for the high maintenance girly-girls who some men find incredibly attractive, as they put a lot more energy into their appearance, but who often are doing that to cover up some insecurity? Or does he tend to go for more down-to-earth women who seem like they should be fairly secure in themselves (which would make this pattern more of an anomaly)?

 

i think it's the whole ladder theory

to you he can be a totally platonic friend, if he's on your friend ladder.

guys always want to bang girls that are their friends. girls know this. and if that many girls (who are above you on the ladder), have intuited that he's interested in you as more than a friend, then it must be true at some level. he must be a big boost to your ego!

and ouch that his parents rave about you to his girlfriends. that would irk me too, and i consider myself to be a somewhat enlightened person.

why not talk to him about it? if you're really interested in his happiness and his ability to have a lasting relationship, hash it all out with him.

 

You could always put on 40 pounds.

 

Well, I'm actually the type your friend is. I had a gal say "her or me" about one of my female friends from hs... I said, "Okay, bye!" It wasn't that I didn't care about her. It was simply that she demonstrated a lack of trust (which was really funny since my female friend was gay), a need to isolate me from my friends (a red flag warning), and a desire to manipulate me... she used the old "If you loved me you'd..." Three strikes and your out.

If these women want to cut him off from his friends, they aren't good for him, so you're doing your friend a service by showing him how they think. Don't do a bloody thing different from what you're doing now. If they have a problem with it, let your friend handle it. It's not a problem of your making.

And BTW, I can understand how your friend would choose your friendship first. You show a concern for him that they don't. Simple.

 

Insecurity bites the beautiful as well, not to mention few think of themselves as attractive even if they are. Compounding that is definately that the parents like you so much. Unfortunately there are not many in this world that would feel secure with their significant other having a close one on one relationship with the oppisite sex. That is why most married people have mostly other married couple freinds. It is a natural human emotion to want to get rid of the competition. Fair doesn't enter into their minds.

 

i was going to sugest that too the double dating thing. if the other girl can see how happy you are with your fella & see the difference in your loving relationship & friendship relationship that might ease her mind.

also why dont you try to be friends with her & not just Chris. say arrange to meet her for coffee or lunch go shopping together. try & find some common ground with each other like the same kind of music or something. if you can become friends with her she wont see you as such a "threat" to her relationship.

 

I don't think I'm flirty...I don't touch him...I might hug him if I haven't seen him in awhile...but that's the extent of any touching that happens between us. I am the same with him as I am with a female friend...*shrugs*

You know, he went to an all boys' school his entire life...so his experience with women is pretty non-existant. He lost his virginity at almost 20 and he's 21 now. I think he's going through the whole teenage years thing a little late...he doesn't really KNOW how girls are. He thinks they are all "cool" like me (HAHA, yeah right, I'm not cool) and when they turn out to be really possessive and jealous he doesnt' quite GET IT and he's taking awhile to learn his lesson.

He has a tendency to pick girls who are VERY conscious of their appearance...dress to the nines, wears make up, etc. It's crazy because the girls he goes out with have never been HIKING or CAMPING and barely have been out of the Midwest...and he's an outdoorsy, world traveler, who's done more at his age than I have...

The girls he goes out with are DEFINITELY insecure, but he doesn't know how to read that quite yet, I don't think.

 

I don't think he wants to get with me at all. He's had all the opportunity before I met my current partner...so I believe it's out of the question that he is interested in me like that. I know a lot of people, before I got with my current partner, thought that we were "together" but it was just because we were together A LOT.

I have talked to him about before...many times, in fact, and he just says that he picks the wrong girls...and it's not my fault. No problem, right?

It just makes me feel bad that it's because of ME that his relationships don't work out...not simply because these girls SUCK.

 

As far as the double dating thing goes...I'd love to do it, but it's just difficult to coordinate even a time for Chris and I to hang out (working two jobs and all)...let alone my partner and Chris's new girlfriend.

Someday it could happen, just not for the next few months...and I can't say that I foresee his relationship lasting that long....not that it can't...it just never does.

 

I suggest the double-dating thing, if ya'll can organise a time. At least let him know you're thinking of it, and your partner too, hopefully she'll hear from him about it, or better yet, tell her yourself that you're thinking of having a double-date sometime in the near future.

 

it prolly depends mostly on how he draws you.

Like if he goes on and on about how fantastic you are to them, naturally theyre going to feel insecure. Maybe he needs to address that, he might not even realise it if hes always been like that.

Insecurity doesnt make someone a lesser person.

 

No, it just doesn't make them very good in relationships.

 

No, it certainly doesn't... But often it does play into jealousy issues. I know I'm more likely to feel a twinge or two of jealousy when I'm feeling a bit insecure. The difference, though, is that I recognize it as a result of my own insecurity and ask my finace to reassure me (in whatever way is appropriate depending on the reason for my bout of insecurity), not demand that he break off all ties with his female friends.

 

It's the same for me. I sometimes feel jealous of my girlfriend's male friends, but I don't give in to that feeling. I just remind myself that I happen to have a lot of female friends and I don't want her to be jealous of them. I choose to trust her with her friends because I want her to trust me with mine.

 

Call me stupid - or anything you want, but I'll bet you come off as Chrys' second mom. You sound like it! Who cares what you want for him. Get away from him, you're ruining his life to soothe your own ego. Tough words, but think them over. Why isn't your relationship with your present 'other,' enough for you? Chrys' life is NOT yours to influence (control.) Pick the peas in your own garden and quit trespassing in his. He's too weak to see this. Do him a favor, tell him! And then enjoy your own life for the rest of it! C'mon, Annie, read back through these posts: you pretty much are on the defence with most who point out what you don't like to hear, and you keep on telling us what his needs are, what kind of woman he doesn't need to go out with, etc. The purpose of asking for advice in a public forum is to listen to all suggestions, not argue with people. They're only trying to help. Your point by point rebuttal is prob. what he also hears. Relax and enjoy your own life!

 

First off, I wasn't rebutting anything. I was answering people's questions. I hadn't been around for a few days, so I wanted to clarify and answer some of the questions that were raised. I was paying attention and taking into account what people were saying...but at the same time answering questions that were raised.

I don't NEED Chris in my life, but he's one of my best friends. My relationship with my partner is pretty great. We don't argue, we don't fight...we are great together and thinking about marriage. I don't see Chris as much anymore simply because I'd RATHER hang out with my partner than him, but that doesn't take away our friendship. That doesn't mean I should stop caring for him. HE calls ME most of the time...HE seeks MY friendship just as much as I seek his. So what are you saying? Chris CAN'T be my friend since he is a male? That HE is a threat to MY relationship? That's totally false. Sorry.

You are entitled to your opinion...I don't act like Chris's mother, nor do I feel his friendship is an ego boost. His gf's give HIM the ultimatum..not me...I've told him I wish he DIDN'T choose me over his gf's...and I truely wish he wouldn't. I wouldn't choose him over my partner, that's for sure...but my partner also isn't insecure or jealous...

I think most people in this thread would agree that insecurity and jealousy is not good in any relationship...and those who try to take friends away from their significant other is controlling and manipulative...

I don't choose his gf's...he does...I don't give him ultimatums, they do...

But you are still entitled to your opinion.