confessions....

i dont normally post in here, normally in my own personal forum, but i need the help and mothers who have been there. who understand or who dont but who have advice. my stomach aches and my spirit is so very heavy right now. please know that i am not proud. please know that i have so much guilt and sadness in regards to this.
i posted this in my forum as well, so i just copied and pasted. please help in anyway that you can.




karma is sometimes so instant and so devastating. earth shattering actually. and illusion breaking. and sometimes you dont understand why it has to play out the way it has.

today my soul is so very heavy. i fell asleep feeling weighted but somehow freer and lighter.

i dont even know where to begin because i dont know that the story really matters. its really the result and the consequences, the karmic lesson which leaves me here reanalyzed and saddened. so i wont go into the this and this happened....but what did happen is that i got to the point where i spanked Arianna. i smacked her bottom about 6 times, repetitively. was i disciplining or had i lost control myself. i have never liked the idea of spanking. feels to authoritarian and invasive to me. i dont like doing it but have on occasion because sometimes her eyes lose "arianna" and have a demon inside. sometimes she is so angry, so out of control, so lost in her emotion that she attacks and wont listen. there is a glazed look that comes across her and sometimes it is so very scary. if i smack her, it tends to dispell it and she returns to me.
yesterday really wasnt like that. she had been so good all day, but lost it in the evening, destroying the bathroom because she had been angry with Sylvi. one thing led to another to another. next thing i know i am closing her bedroom door telling her to go to bed and to leave me alone(this is after the spanking) i hear her in the room screaming and yelling.
well the spanking and anger i had given her she didnt know how to release. so she took her Gentle(her hamster) out of its cage and started hitting it and stomping on it until it was dead.
oh what horror and pain to have our karmic lessons linked like that. i have a horrible guilt on my shoulders because i killed her hamster as much as she has.

today andy is picking up a financial aid package for counseling sessions for her. this is an idea we have been throwing around for quite some time. (this is her second hamster and the second one she has killed, both out of anger....the last time had nothing to do with spanking though, it was more of not getting her way)she is a strong strong spirit. she is beautiful but she is out of control at times. will not listen. has her own will, which is fine and great but not in situations of danger or not when she she fights against me so very often that sometimes i just want to quit. i can understand mamas who leave or arent the primary parent. this is a hard road, one that shakes your very foundation. she pushes my buttons so very much and i know her purpose is to do just that, so that i will eventually remove those buttons. they aren't doing me any good either. but this is a relationship, this is an agreement between us. i will keep her safe, teach her and provide her with love and the tools to succeed in life. and she will teach me more than i ever could learn by myself. she will teach me unconditional love and sacrifice.

last nights explosion has made a very real impact upon me. i know that there will be NO MORE SPANKING, ever. i feel sad and ashamed that i had ever even resorted to this act but i get at a loss.

last night, sitting on the futon, staring at the lake, i was able to see the past flying up to me and was able to put puzzle pieces together. i know this is not just about her but more about me. i know this is a call to rise and make that change. i just wish that Gentle didnt need to be sacrificed in it all.

i dont know the next step here. any advice is welcome. and please, know, anything that you would want to throw at me as far as disappointment i have within myself at such a deep level, all the way to my core.

 

Marie. Please listen, I am saying this with all the respect in the world. Both you and your child need IMMEDIATE psychaitric interventtion. Not waiting for an appointment with a doctor, not going to a free clinic, I mean either seeing a doctor TODAY or going to the emergency room, and telling them everything that is going on in your house.

Both the ideation of a child with a demon inside her and a child who is SO angry and disturbed that she is killing animals needs IMMEDIATE intervention. This may mean the difference between life and death for your child and you and the people both of you come in contact with.

Harming animals is a symptom of serious mental disturbance. Thinking a child "changes" is also a symptom of illness. PLEASE MARIE, take your little girl, go to the ER and let them know everything that is going on.

There is NO judgement here (in fact I will delete any posts which attack you in any way) but, this is about the most serious thing a child and parent can face, it won't go away on it's own, it won't get better, it will only get worse. Saying "I won't hit anymore." Isn't going to do it. Because you will get angry again, and you child will get angry again, and there are good people who can help you, and keep both of you SAFE.

Please, Marie, go and get you and your little girl some help. Not tomorrow, not later NOW.

Please.

 

words on a screen do not always accurately depict a situation.
i agree that help is needed in very real ways. very true ways.
she has had alot of trauma in her 4 1/2 years and is such a wonderful beautiful child who doesnt know how to get rid of what she is feeling. it goes very deep. it goes that way with me as well.
please dont feel i beat the crap out of her for it is in no way like that. i am completely freaking on the situation and havent accurate words to describe the situation. like i said all that doesnt matter. what matters is where her and i are at right now and the next step.
thank you for your words.

 

Oh, no, I am not thinking that at all. I am thinking that the two of you are hurting very badly, and that the energy in your home is not healthy right now. I am not saying it is anyone's fault, just that when people get so upset they mispercieve what is happening, (like a child is transforming ect) then professional help becomes a neccesity.

You appeared very upset. I can understand why.

I've worked with families in crisis and waiting to get help is never a good option. The ER was suggested because it appears there is an immediate crisis.

Good luck to you and your daughter. I hope the two of you can find peace and happiness.

 

I have to agree with Maggie. Please take your daughter to get help as soon as you can do it. I sort of know where you are coming from....
I have a son who is now 10, when he was about 4 or so he started to "change" --he went from my once beautiful smiling, sweet little boy to someone so different that it scared the hell out of me. He would go from sitting playign nicely, to tearing up and breaking things, he would torture our cat, to the point that I gave the poor little creature away, he would set fires when he was in his room alone....There was no spanking in our home at all. Sometimes for some reason there is something else going on with children like this, especially if ther ehave been ohter events in their lives that have been less than pleasant, which I believe you may have referenced that there was other stuff. We tried everything I knew to do...therapy, medications, classes, working with the school, changes in the home, you name it we tried it and unfortunately are STILL working at it all with him. There may be some other underlying reason that your child is doing the things that she is doing, but I don know that torturing and killing animals is one of the BIG things that they kept asking me about when Bry was little. I know how it feels to feel like you are at your wits end, but help for her AND YOU is the first and biggest step you should take. I know that spanking seems to be your alternative only when she gets this bad, but I do know from experience it only will make the situation with your daughter worse. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk or ask questions. Good luck to you and your family!!

 

I'm sure things will work out fine. I don't see this as some kind of emergency situation. I think there is something that is deep and ongoing that needs to be worked out, individually and between the two of you.

But don't be so upset with yourself, it was a very bad mistake, but everyone makes mistakes, I think you should(if you haven't already) tell Arianna that and talk to her about it. She is a very smart little girl and very big in spirit, I can see that as something that will make her small little body seem very big when she's emotional about something. I think that she needs a way to deal with her frustrations and the changes in her life are a big part of who she is and at a young age it's hard to know how to deal with the affects, even if she doesn't really understand them, or know that there is something to deal with, she will still need to get in touch with a way to release, or she will release in unhealthy ways.

And honestly it seems like that may be the same with you Marie... if not that just finding a way to work slowly with her and be for her when she needs you, and separate her tantrums from your emotions then deal with yourself separately.

Good luck Marie... I will always think you're one of the most understanding and beautiful of mothers and people in general. Love to you and finding your way. I am here anytime you want to talk. (((hugs)))

 

arianna and i have just finished burying her baby. she kissed and hugged it as we buried it.
yes there is alot of underlying things here, many many many options.
when i was pregnant with her i had a really hard time. her father and i had been married and it seemed the moment i got married, he changed. he got involved in going out all night snorting coke, not coming home, turning off the cell phone. many things to avoid me and the pain i was experiencing from his shutting me out. as he was busy destroying himself, i too was going through stuff. i was so pissed off. i would stay up all night, just cussing and screaming because i was in a hell of sorts. how dare he. but unfortunately, my emotions got into my daughter. i feel this is part of her anger. just a part, not all of it at all.
so her pop and i worked through things and she was born. oh what a gift. what a beautiful baby girl was given to me. my sweet angel. my saviour.
when she was about 2 months old she began having seizures. took me several tries to get the doctors to hear me. i had to finally video tape an episode for them to take me seriously. so she was medicated for a while to stop them. thank god she hasnt had any for a long time. medication and the seizures could be a contributor as well.
then january 2004 i left her dad. too much anger. he was always pissed. the cycle continued of him going out all night. i would bring arianna into bed with me so that i could feel her love and give her mine in these hard moments.
we left and moved in with my parents for a couple months. then he gave me the house and we were there a couple months until he started breaking into the house, until he would threaten me saying "i sense fear and i like it" holy moly, we hightailed back to my parents house where we lived until april 2006.
in the meantime, there were months at a time he had nothing to do with her. then he would get wanting to see her. would for a bit then he would stop again. this cycle happened two times....then the third attempt to see her i told him, never again if he messed up again. i wasnt gonna have my baby so torn. it would be better to not have your father then to deal with such sporatic behaviour. that was march 2005 and he has been very consistent since then. he finally straightened out.
when we moved, we moved to north carolina. her father still resides in maryland. i take her to see him about every 4 weeks and keep them in contact via the phone. but i know she misses him. and i know she is in a place that she feels safe to express herself and now she is letting go of some of the pain, suffering and anger she has inside.
i am not excusing her behaviour or thinking that it is normal. she scares the bejesus out of me sometimes. to take the pet that she loved and adored and hit and stomp on it puts me beside myself. but why not. she sees that i did the same thing to her. i spanked something smaller than i am. it hurts to see it all so clearly. it truly does.

i always had been spanked when i was younger and had felt i grew up fine. but a wound has opened in my chest so big right now that i know i am not fine. i had gone to counseling myself for a while due to feeling like i was lost and sad and lonely and angry and confused. i got on meds and felt great and all the deep rooted stuff got buried again. now i am not on it which is great, diet and exercise did that for me. but really there is alot of healing that i need too.

the clinic is not free at all. lord not at all free. my partners daughter had gone there when she was molested, so we have a gateway into their methodology and if it works. for his daughter it helped so much, as she was telling arianna last night. i spoke with them today. filled out the paperwork and visited there. arianna has an appointment on thursday and i have one on friday.
i know this is just a step. it hurts so bad and my eyes have not been dry for more than five minutes today. arianna is in great spirits though very sad and remorseful.

we have had our struggles for a long time. everything is great and then its not for a day or so. she really is a good kid who has no idea how to release stuff. i hope we find the path. for both of us. i know that the biggest part of all this is myself. kids are mirrors and we cannot change anyone but ourselves, we cannot control anyone but ourselves. i dont want to control her, i want her to be herself but i want her to be happy too. these past six months she has blossomed in so many ways and its just freaky to see how pissed she can be. however, i do have to say since we have moved here i havent seen the demon come out in her. she has not glazed over at all. i have seen it in last nights actions but not in her eyes....and last night was just as much my demon as hers.

thank you both so very much for your words and for not judging me. mamainwonderland, it feels great that you understand. i commend you for never getting physical...i really do. thanks again for not judgind me noone can do that more to me than i am at the moment. but this is a pivotal point we have reached. i have been praying for help, meditating on it for months on end and it feels like the mirror was shattered and its on.

 

thank you so much sweetheart. you are the best. i just want my baby to be happy. i just want to be the best i can be as well. read the above post. you will see we are getting the help.

we talked about all of this last night and today, mistakes,anger, frustration, the whole thing...we are very honest with one another. we held one another for a long time. andy has been such a big help today too. he made me get out of the house for a bit to get myself together.
last night i had completely decided on the counseling so it felt good to get this all taken care of today.
you see very clearly lady. you really do. then again you know us more intimately then my original post can convey. she does get feeling too big for herself. last night andy gave her an artpad and expressed to her that she needed to find another way to let go of her sorrow and pain...perhaps drawing and coloring. she went right to it.
this morning she woke up and told me how sorry she was and told me that she forgave me too.
i just want peace and i know that begins with me. just strange this all came out when there has been so much peace for weeks on end here. its been very healthy and happy. shes been so helpful and loving in ways i have never seen. her and my relationship has gotten so close since we have been able to spend the days together instead of her having daycare. i know it will all work out because it has to and because we want it to.

 

I don't really know what to say, but I just wanted to offer you a hug. I can't begin to know what you're going through, because I have no idea, but I truly hope that your daughter can get the help that she needs to get through this intense anger she has within.

Much peace to you and your family...

 

thank you so much hippychick.

 

like, right after she had her first round of shots? Much of this behavior could be heavy metal poisoning. Make sure, when you take her to the doc, to have her blood tested for mercury and lead. The problem could be more than psychological (though I'm not denying therapy/counselling for both of you does sound like a very good idea). ((((((hugs))))))

 

"thank you both so very much for your words and for not judging me. mamainwonderland, it feels great that you understand. i commend you for never getting physical...i really do. thanks again for not judgind me noone can do that more to me than i am at the moment. but this is a pivotal point we have reached. i have been praying for help, meditating on it for months on end and it feels like the mirror was shattered and its on."

I try very hard not to pass judgement on to people. I find more often than not that there is more to a story once you get to the nitty gritty of it. We are here to support and help eachother, ans should not pass our time tearing eachother down. I hope only the best for you and your little girl. It is such a hard place to be in as a mother as I'm sure your little girl is so confused about what is going on with her own self. Take advantage of any therapy/counseling you can get...if the first people you see don't help, don't hesitate in trying to switch...we went through 3 or 4 counselors before we found one that Bry "clicked" with. I do agree that you should have her blood tested though for the mercury, etc. There may be something to that really, also oddly enough, look at allergy testing as well...sometimes children react in the most terrible ways to certain foods, etc. My oldest has a huge list of things he is allergic to, and once we started eliminating those things we were noticing some MAJOR behavioral differences in him. But based on the info you gave on her infancy and the instability that was going on--I'm sure there is more to explore there. She may be so angry that her father is so far away and she may be having alot of problems just with that in itself. We just don't realize how much our little ones pick up on, and carry with them throughout life. I am 32 years old and still battle with some demons so to speak from when I was 4ish. I hope that you are able to find her some good help, and for yourself as well. Remember I'm here if you need me.

 

As intense as the episodes of anger are i just wanted to say that they are very few and far between. Most days, and weeks, there is a beautiful harmony and happy glow between the member of this household. Marie is very loving and giving with her attention. She from the moment of awakening through the day and until bedtime provides love, light, laughter, fun, activities, care, compassion and warmth, holding each moment with her loved ones in her heart with passion and sincerity.

 

Spanking does not cause this type of reaction. It just doesn't. It sounds like your daughter has a problem with anger. It could be medical or psychiatric, I would personally persue both at the same time. Take this for the warning sign it is and get her help. Teaching her if she acts up badly enough you will break will not help her in the long run either.

 

completely agree.
her first appointment is this evening at 6. we were driving in the car earlier today and she says "mommy, you know how sylvi's cold keeps coming back over and over, well happy and gentle are doing that to me. i cant let go of it. it just hurts so bad that i didnt think what i could have done before i did it and i dont know how i can get rid of it. i hope the counselor can teach me different ways to deal with my anger" that wasnt it all in one fell sentence, but a couple of them. she is really remorseful and wants the help. she even said" mommy its not your fault, i just have to learn how to deal with it all" which was weird to me because i hadnt shared any of my feelings with her in regards to blaming myself in ways. she also decided to discuss right and wrong choices with me, letting me know if she had thought about what she did before she did it, she wouldnt have done it....and that is a right choice, but what she did was a wrong one and she knows thats why she cant let go of it. very clear thoughts from such a wee one.
so there is so much hope in her right now and she is super eager to begin her road. as am i....mine begins tomorrow(well this evening too, since hers will include me as well)
i absolutely dont feel that this was a normal reaction to being spanked but i do recognize that one led to the other and that something needs to change within my ownself to prevent losing my own temper.
i also went to the doctor she will be going to down here to get her medical transcripts sent down. as soon as they have the information i am going to look into the mercury and lead tests. i discussed it with the pediatrician office today and they felt it would be a good idea as well. thanks for the suggestion.

 

Good luck to you.

 

you are going to get through this

 

Good luck again, congrats on taking great steps and I really admire your honesty.

 

there is a really good book that helped me before I figured out that my child's behavior issues were a reaction to eating gluten. it's called The Explosive Child. In this book, the author points out that these children don't want to lash out, but they can't control it, and feel bad when it happens, often they don't even remember it happening. It so accurately described my child's behavior, and gave me tools to help deal with it. You might want to look into it.

 

If the child doesn't remember the incident, there is a likelyhood of seizure like activity. A 24 hour EEG can almost always find these bursts of activity. These are often located in the Temporal Lobe region of the brain, but they can be elewhere. Many people, adults and children with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy can be also diagnosed with a CAT scan, MRI and/or PET scan in addition to the 24 hour EEG.

This type of random burst brain activity often respond VERY well to medication, but therapy is always recommended to help the child live with the condition.

Make sure your daughter has a COMPLETE medical examination with either a Psychiatrist or a Neurologist or both, in addition to the therapy. Pediatricians are not usually trained to recognize Temporal Lobe issue (although of course, some go above and beyond and know about it, by just seeing the behavior, being told about it, talking to the child ect.) so a specialist, who knows how the brain works is also essensial.

Good luck Marie and Sylvan.