my daughter is in a relationship with a man who has implied that he has suffered some kind of abuse when he was a child. he won't talk about what has happened, but mentions his 'past' often. he only has contact with his mother when his father isn't around, his sister was taken into care when he was a child, however about a month ago his mother has told him something that has dramatically affected him. the relationship is putting great strain on my daughter. he is unable to give any form of physical affection, can't cuddle or kiss and the few times they have made love has been very upsetting for her. similarly, he flinches when she goes to touch him, leaving her feeling very rejected. he has terrible mood swings, will disappear and not contact my daughter. she has tried to talk to him about him, but he won't talk, he just clams up and then disappears. he says he will never fully trust her or any woman but won't tell her why. he won't have anything to do with us, her family, refusing to meet us, or even acknowledge that she has a family she is close to. the relationship is leaving her incredibly stressed and tired, with very low self-esteem. we are at the stage now, where she is talking to me and her sister about it, however, we are unsure what to do for the best. she has our support, which she knows, but we have never seen her this devastated before and it is starting to show in other areas of her life. sorry for the long post, but any advice or comments you can offer will be much appreciated.
Why on earth is she with this man? It sounds like he has some serious issues that he needs to work out for himself before he can come close to being in a healthy relationship. It sounds all nice and noble for your daughter to want to help him, but if he is not willing to open up to her and work through this WITH her, then she should run away as fast as she can from this guy. Do you know the details of what has been upsetting about making love to him? I'm not suggesting you need to post them, but if you know, think about future implications of that. Because of the tone of your post, all kinds of wierd shit that you'd see on Law & Order Special Victims Unit is popping into my head. Children who have been abused but don't deal with it often grow up to be abusers as well. That's not a necessary cycle, of course, and many people have broken cycles of abuse. But, if this guy is not seeing a counsellor, if he is not discussing his childhood abuse, then he is at high risk of continuing the cycle. Again, you daughter should get the hell away from him NOW.
i absolutely agreee it sounds like a scary situation with a kinda creepy guy if hes unwilling to meet the family especialy i just get a danger vibe how olds your daughter & the guy? what do u know about him..personalitywise he sounds dark & dusturbed....and yea i agree potentialy dangerouse
i gotta agree with dawn. the best thing for her to do is to leave him cuz this is an abusive relationship. his past has traumatized him to the point where he is unable to do anything physical or show love and trust. he needs to go and get professional help for himself before he gets into a relationship cuz if he doesnt he is being very selfish. if your daughter wants to stay with this man they both should go see a therapist and a couples councler. but as the other two posters had said she really needs to get away from him for her own safety and for his own sanity. if she does stay in the relationship its just going to end up disastrously.
thank you for your replies. i am in agreement with all of you. my daughter is 23 and he is 35. in terms of his personality, it seems if something happens that he can't handle, he hits the bottle and becomes quite agressive when drunk. my daughter has said that he has two faces, one for her and one for his friends. he has met my youngest daughter, and they got along really well, until he started dating my eldest and then literally overnight, wanted absolutely nothing to with her or the rest of the family. as it is, we are incredibly concerned, because although she is talking to us about it, she is also making excuses for his behaviour, blaming herself for not getting his text messages because she fell asleep (this is in spite of the fact that he contacted her in the middle of the night, after hours of silence). she says she doesn't want to live the way she is for the rest of her life, but she loves him. i am trying my best to support her and not push her in any direction, but i can see her getting sadder and her self esteem getting lower. she has a wide circle of friends where she lives, but since she has been seriously involved with him, she has shut herself off from them and rarely goes out. i am at an absolute loss of what to do. any ideas??? again, thank you for all of your replies.
Congratulations!! for having raised a daughter who still confides in her mom, and turns to mom 'n sis for advice. You've done a difficult job well. Supermom!! Danger lurks in any relationship, maybe a great bit more in this. Who knows what women find so attractive in men of this calibre. With this baggage unopened, dragging behind him. Yuk! She can NOT help him. She SHOULD leave him. His problem is becoming HERS. Danger! You can't do anything but suggest, and be there to pick up the pieces at the end. Don't let his problem become your problem. Wait them out, Sister. Sorry, but that is being a good parent, which you knew all along. Be there, Mom - which we know you'll be. Bless your vibes, they are working! Our love......keep the vent open.
I hate to tell you, but everything you mentioned is symptomatic of an abusive relationship. As bad as it is now, it only gets worse. He continually tests what she will put up with. As long as she stays, she is telling him that everything he has done is fine, it's ok, and he's welcome to continue treating her that way. My suggestion would be to contact professionals who deal with battered women -- I don't have a good suggestion of where, but a small bit of research should bring up some resources for people in your area. Go to them for advice. My first response would be to drive to her house, load her shit in your car, and get her out of there, kicking and screaming if you have to. Unfortunately, that is likely to backfire, causing her to just not tell you about the problems when she goes back. So talk to people at a battered women's shelter, at some social services office, whatever is the most helpful resource in your area. Your daughter needs to get out. That is NOT love. Oh, and as for your comment about wanting to support her and not push her in any direction... Normally, I am all for that. But, in this case, you may have to push her for her own safety.
blessing is that my daughter and this guy do not live together, he shares a house with a friend and she has her own apartment in a secure block. he does however stay over which is a huge worry and at one time i did think he was trying to manipulate his way into living with her, but she is adamant the apartment is for her and her sister, when she wants to visit. younger daughter has a friend in the same block with whom she's in constant contact and he keeps an eye on things. last evening we spoke at length and she really opened up. we want this guy gone immediately and i think deep down she knows this is a bad relationship that has to end. thing is she looks at his 'good points'. we live a two hour drive from her and the plan is to make very regular visits and boost her confidence and self-esteem and uni study permitting my younger daughter will stay over. personally i would love to bring her home, but her work is there and i know she could have a good life if this guy was out of the picture and she started accepting some of the invitations her friends have offered. again than you all for the replies.
hi, uh sorry to change the subject a bit i dont know whether u are all women but im not i really need help to do with love pleeese help!
Where'd he come from? Blessings tidal, you've got it as under control as youcan. Stick with her! (I know you didn't need to hear that again, but the slope gets slippery sometimes, sister.)
I would suggest trying to get your daughter to talk to a professional, preferrably a psychologist experienced in helping people escape from destructive relationships (call up a shelter and get the names of some they recommend). It's really, really good that you have lines of communication open with her. Abusive people generally try mighty hard to isolate their partner from friends and family. One thing that helped me see things a bit more clearly was to make a little list of all those 'good points' and then make a list of the bad. It's not only eye opening, but when trying to detach it helped to strengthen resolve. Your idea of boosting her self esteem is a good one.... anything she does to improve her quality of life, so to speak, will help to pull her away from him. Here's the best article I've found about recognizing abusive relationships and how to escape from them. It's a little long but it's crammed full of good info. http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html
thank you fastswitch and fulmah. fulmah, that article was both terrifying and helpful. after having spoken to my daughter this afternoon, it is fairly clear that she has no real intention of splitting up with him. she says she will do something about it...eventually. i'm under the impression that she's trying to appease everyone. the damned awful thing which i really don't understand is, that she works with abused women who because of their abuse now have mental problems, and she has walked right into this. my other daughter put it to her, what advice would she give to one of these women and she said she would tell them to leave were they in a similar situation. i'm so scared for her, we all are and i know if i go guns blazing i'll drive her farther to him. i've never been good at waiting games but i'll have to be this time. sorry, i'm so upset i'll have to go. thank you!
well maybe sinc eshe sees abused women all day she can't see that it is happening to her. the abuse doens't have to be physical there are plenty of other ways to abuse a person. i think she needs someone out of her "circle" to show her what is so wrong in the relationship she has and why she should leave now otherwise things will get wors and it will be much much harder for her to get out. i know i have been there and it took me two in a half years to get out. It took seeing a therapist and someone i didn't talk to very often to convince me to leave him. she is going to get stuck in a loop and the abuse will get worse each time around and by then her esteem will be so low and she will have no confidence that she will beleive that he is thhe best thing for her and that she is unable to do any better than him and that all relationships have there bumps in the road and they just need to work through it. when in actuality he is manipulating her mind and his baggage is wearing down on her and she feels the burden of his emotions and bla bla bla. so i suggest taking her to go see a therapist or make an apt with her supervisor at the women's shelter and tell her it's confidential and if you could meet somewheres outside of work so no one will talk. and have her supervisor help her relize the things he is doing is wrong. If none of that works and drives her further away then so be it that is the time for tough love and letting her learn her mistakes on her own. be there for her and let her know you still love her and if she is in need or in trouble you will help as much as you can but don't put your two sense in about the relationship let her figure it out and if it takes her awhile then so be it.
There's sort of a truism that I heard early from the time my mother was going through group therapy to deal with her divorce from my father... it basically says that "If you can't love yourself, you can't love anybody else." It sounds as if the guy can't love himself due to his past, and until he gets past that, he won't ever have a healthy relationship.
I hated hearing anything negative about my ex from my family. I knew things were beyond bad, but at the same time I thought I was fighting the good fight. It actually had a lot to do with believing that “love conquers all,” when it most certainly doesn’t. Some people are completely incapable of loving another, and that is an incredibly hard thing to accept when you’re in love with someone like that. In my case, I’d been studying personality disorders for years and years and I knew what it takes to help someone “get better”. In the end, I learned that no matter how many books you read, how many classes you’ve taken, how much training you’ve had, or how many others you’ve helped through certain situations; none of that is the reality of first hand experience. It’s not a fun lesson to learn, but I also think it would have been so much worse had I not known what resources were available, had I not known I was going through what so many others had gone through. I also know better now, and I know that it’s not going to happen again. I don’t know if that helps you at all or not… I would hope that if your daughter knows she’s now experiencing what she tells others not to put up with, well that’s much better than complete and total ignorance/denial. Just be that unconditional support, ready to act when she’s ready to accept your help.
so in the past couple of days there's been developments. daughter phoned in a terrible state. he's apparently broken up with her after telling her he can't give her what she wants and she should get it elsewhere. however he's since been texting her asking how she is and she's replied. she spoke with her work supervisor who told her exactly the same as us, and she seems to have taken it on board. she's very raw at the minute and i only hope she has the resolve to keep him gone. she knows the relationship was bad and some of the things he said to her were unforgiveably cruel, trouble is he's left some personal stuff at her place which needs to be gotten rid of and i don't want her meeting up with him. her sister is going to stay and give her support which she really needs at present. i'm still very, very worried in case she takes him back as i don't think she realises the extent to which this has affected all the family and her own self esteem, as some of the things she says sound like they're coming from his mouth. you've all been so supportive and given such good advice for which i am so grateful, hopefully when she gets stronger she might read this thread. once again, thank you all.
He sounds potentially abusive (isolating her etc), and an emotional manipulater. It is best if she leaves him. The relationship sounds far from healthy
Glad to hear that the relationship has broken up (at least for now) and I hope that she stays strong. As for his stuff -- can her sister deliver it for her? That way she doesn't have to have any contact with him at all yet can still claim the high road of having dutifully returned his belongings (though he deserves for her to burn them!). If not the sister, does she have a friend from work who she would be ok talking to about this and who would be willing to do the delivery for her?
