heres some background information. me and my best friend have been friends since 8th grade (we are now 18). we always got along, and i always thought that we were exactly the same.. and we always had fun together. this past summer we got into a fight and didn't talk at all.. i hung out with my boyfriend and some of my other friends the whole summer. in the summer i also learned a lot about myself, and i think that i have changed for the better. i am a different person than i was at the beginning of the summer, and i feel its the real me. anyway, me and my best friend go to the same college now, and we talk and everythings fine, but it seems that she cant accept the new me. she constantly is critisizing everything i do. if i want to go and smoke w/ my friend, she always has some smart comment to say about it, and it seems that she is like my mother, always telling me what i should or shouldnt do, and trying to lead me to do things that she would do.. i am really getting tired of it and want to do something about it, but i'm afraid if i try to talk to her about it, she'll get mad or have something to say about it. i know this may seem childish and drama-ish, but its really bothering me and i need some advice!
~honesty ~communication ~accepting change as the way of things i know you've said you try to talk to her and she gets mad, but maybe you can change the way you talk to her? maybe it's good idea to have a talk with your friend, when she's not busy, you're not busy and you have some time alone. this might require setting up a situation away from others when you can spend some time alone together, maybe even in nature somewhere if that's possible. be relaxed, calm...listen as well as talk. not accusing, but open. let her know where you're coming from...that you feel you have changed and that this upsets her. remember, if it upsets her then that's her being upset, so don't own it. let her tell you where she is coming from. remember why you're there...not to fight. if you feel anger building, breath deeply and gently draw yourself back to focus on the goal...to open dialogue and be honest and listen. don't get drawn into a fight - remember anger and fighting takes two. "i really care about you, and i feel i've changed. i still care about you and want to be friends. have you noticed i've changed? how do you think that's affected our friendship? what would you like to see happen?" "i've noticed when i smoke you sometimes say things like X and Y. is me smoking a problem for you?" open questions that don't accuse but leave a space for her to talk. does she feel there are some issues that need to be sorted? how would she like to see things resolved between you? let her know you still care about her very much, and although you've changed you hope your friendship can still continue. ask for her honesty and listening too: "if something i am doing upsets you, i would really appreciate your honesty in telling me clearly and directly. i respect your views and want to listen to them. however, when you say things like X and Y, i find those things hurtful and i don't fully understand where you're coming from. can we make an agreement that if something i am doing upsets you, that you will tell me clearly and honestly so that we both know where we stand? that way, we can work on resolving the upset." ~ finally, remember change happens, we all change and so relationships change. as honest and calm and listening as you are, if she is not in a similar space you will find it hard to resolve anything. if this happens, simply let her know... "i really care about you and i want to still have you in my life. however i feel we can't communicate right now. i am always here if you want to try again later, but i will not own your anger towards me."
remember, you have the love *in you*, and between you and your friend, and it's in her as well. you're just reconnecting with your awareness of it. good luck
not tomention your changes dont have to affect the relationship just her acceptence of the changes the partsshe cant accept can be completely seperated from your relationship..like id smoking she truly cant accept maybe an agreement to just not talk about it or let it interfere that will take some understanding on your part too and not just leave her everytime your offered a smoke..
Have in mind that you have been growing up and you're no little kids any more. It comes a time when one is supposed to decide which path to choose. You're not supposed to walk the same road singing the same song all the time, are you?
thank you all.. you've been a big help! and i'm not so worried about it anymore. we just have our differences, and we gotta accept that
