Lack of Physicality

So...my girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship. We are both crazy in love, and I can actually, truly see this relationship lasting. There is just one problem...the extreme lack of physicality between us. I myself am a very physical person, and its really important to me. To me its a way of showing trust and love between the two people. I'm not someone who "thinks with his other head" or any of that crap. Its just that the physical stuff is important to me. I mean, I'm a virgin, so I dont necissarily mean sex.

Basically, its like this. We have a distance relationship (2 hours apart) so it makes everything that much worse. Whenever we're together, she never wants to do anything during the day it seems, basically because we are only ever alone at night. And whenever we actually do get physical at all, it only ever lasts a few minutes, and then she'll just stop everying, saying that she's tired or whatever, leaving me, quite honestly, "blue-balled" every single time. And I'm serious when I say this happens every single time. And if I ever get a little upset by this or anything, she gets really mad at me. I've talked to her about this, and it all stems back to her ex, whom she had a 4 and a half year relationship with, that apperantly he would just always want sex and stuff every single night, and it basically because a "routine", and she doesnt want that to ever happen again, and she feels thats what is happening now. So because of that, she doesnt want every single night to be about physicality. And I agree, thats fine by me, but whenever we do get physical, its so short lived that its basically pointless, and just leaves me upset. So what do I do?? I don't know what to do...being physical is so important to me, and it seems to be no big deal to her at all...I'm not saying I "expect" her to do things with me, but its definetly something I want every now and then...

 

=[ just tell her how you feel be honest, 2 hours isnt too bad to drive maybe gaily yeah but it wont be so bad!

 

We've talked about it, and basically she's said "I'm sorry", and thats it. She's just so worried that sex is all I'll want. Which couldn't be further from the truth...

And yea, 2 hours isnt bad. We've been together the past 4 weekends now, so we're okay

 

just try to pull the switcharoo on her, you guys make out right? just like tease her through the pants

 

Can you put up with NOT getting what you want ever? You have to ask yourself that. Because if you stay in a situation you're not happy in, you will get more and more unhappy. She has her emotional baggage to deal with...and you have to work how long you will wait for her to change. Would you still be happy with this in a month...6 months...3 years...? Don't let being infatuated blind you to the fact that you guys just might not work together. Not to say you won't, but consider the possiblility. Then be HONEST with her. It sounds like she's not listening to you if she insists that all you want is sex and that's NOT the case. Sit her down and explain how important this is to you...and that it's not fair for you to pay for the mistakes she made with her ex. This is a new relationship and she should treat it as such. Show her this is important and tell her it's not fair for her to write it off as you "just being horny" simply because SHE can't deal with it. Then decide how long you're willing to put up with her behaving this way.

Sorry if that sounds harsh...but I think withholding sex and physical affectioni [unless you have a damn good reason] is really manipulative. And it doesn't even sound like she WANTS to hear your story or care about how she's making you feel!!

 

ding ding ding, we have a winner! I think a great deal of this problem boils down to that particular issue

 

Bingo. It's hard to move on sometimes, but if she really loves you, she should understand that you are not the men in her past...and that you would never put her through those same things that they did.

 

It seems to me that she has a real problem, and so your relationship has a real problem.

A few years ago, a friend's marriage fall apart because of these same kinds of issues. But they didn't figure out how bad things were until after years of marriage and three kids. There was a LOT of misery to go around for everyone.

My point is: as sad as it is, you may be better off to walk away from this relationship sooner, rather than wait for the problems to become worse later.

She may not even realize how big of an issue this will be for her, so you may actually be helping her do face a problem and grow beyond it.

 

Sounds like a commitment issue. Shes afraid to let go because she fears being emotionally vulnerable, and involved with you. Relationships can get sticky really fast. For all you know, you may leave her after you start banging her. She is right to be cautious. Anyway,try buying her something nice like flowers. Make her feel special. Make her laugh. She might just need to loosen up. Get her drunk or high.

 

Agreed, she seems to be taking out past hurts on you and that's not fair. As others have said youhave to decide whether you care enough to help her work through the issues (and whether you think she'll be willing to) or whether you want to rather walk away right now...

It's also not fair to get all physical and tease a man and leave him hanging at the last minute. I get quite angry when women do that to men!!

 

Well...she does listen to me, and she does know that its not all I want. She tells me that she knows I'm different, and that I'm not like that at all. What she's said, is that its not that she doesn't want it ever, she just doesn't want it to become a "routine" every night, like supposedly I have been trying to do (and I can kind of see that...). But the reason I try every night, is because, as I've said, it never lasts! Sure, we'll makeout, but as soon as anything gets to be more than that, everything shuts down after a few minutes. And she teases me like no other. For example, she'll move her hand and fingers around my whole area down there for a long freaking time...just kind of "dancing around". And then, when she will finally go for it, she does so for maybe 2 minutes...then just stops everything, says that she's tired or something, and goes to sleep. While I'm left there EXTREMELY blue-balled. And this happens everytime. So therefore I try for stuff everynight, thinking that maybe "this night will be different", yet so far, it never is. And even a few times, we've been lucky enough to have an entire house completely to ourselves...knowing that no one would be around for days (she was house-sitting for her aunt). And you would think, this is the PERFECT opportunity! Nope. The same exact thing would happen. Hell one night, she didnt want to do anything at all! She just went right asleep. Even though I may sound like it, I swear this is not all I care about. But really, there should at least be physical-ness SOMETIMES...

 

Oh yea, and I also forgot to mention...that when we're apart, she talks about being physical all the time. She's even talked about sex. She talks about all these different things...gets me all excited...and then when I come, she never does them...

 

I call cock tease on her...

She's got issues she has to face or the thing will be a f-up!!!!!

 

I don't know, I say, keep the lines of communication open with her, try and get her to talk about what she's really feeling, show that you truly care, not just about the physical aspect but the mental, emotional...give it some time. Just because she may be hesitant right now doesn't mean she'll keep continuing to do so.

If it's meant to be, it will happen. Besides, doesn't the old saying go "good things come to those who wait?"

Best of luck sweetie...hang in there. Just keep talking with her, see if the two of you can work through this together. Don't give up hope.

{{{Hugs}}}

 

And yes, this is the root of a lot (her ex was horrible to her, and its basically scarred her). But the big root of the physical problems I think is the fact that she has a huge problem with her self-image, a problem thats been going on for 6 years, even before that guy came along. We've been "dating" about 3 months now, and officially in a relationship for over 1, and still she is embarassed and, basically, "ashamed" to show herself naked around me, saying that she is "Fat and ugly". Take a look at my gallery and you decide if she's fat and ugly. She's CRAZY to think that. Its ridiculous. But I have tried saying everything under the sun to make her stop thinking that, but she won't. Therefore, she still has yet to ever be completely naked around me, even though I have around her.

 

Awe, thanks, you're always so freaking nice . And what you say id definetly the case. I am NOT giving up hope in any way, I love her far too much. I just want advice on anything I could do to help this issue. I just don't want it to get worse instead of better. I know we can last, I feel it in my heart, we just have some things to work through, somehow...

 

You're more than welcome sweetie. I really hope the two of you can work through this...keep your chin up.

 

......:H

 

Get used to it or move on. I dont think it will change.

 

I'd refuse to talk aboout sex with her or fool around with her unless she's going to go through with it. I know you care for her and all...but being TOTALLY shy about sex because of issues is one thing [and bad enough], but teasing is just fucking selfish! But it's not up to me to say it...either things will change or you'll get sick of being messed around eventually. It seems you don't want to see how nasty she's being, and you're using her past as an excuse...just like she is. She does have SOME choice in how she treats you! But it's up to you if you want to be used like that...up-to-you.