I've been in a long distance relationship for roughly 5 months now (known him some 5 years). We've spent one weekend together. (Money is tight, and trips are overly expensive) He's been rediculously busy lately. Almost to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so unimportant to him. He's explained to me that nothing is different and he still loves me, he's just extremely busy right now. But how do I explain to him that if he'd make enough time to call a few times a week, or take 30 seconds to send a message that says "I love you. I hope you have a good day." It would help me out tremendously. I try to tell him, but I've been so upset lately with him that I think if I tried telling him I would break down. I love him and miss him so much, and we haven't even started saving for the move. That's another reason I feel unimportant to him, I guess. Like he isn't trying. I don't think that's true, I think he is trying, it just feels to me like he isn't. I'm just down in the dumps today, I suppose. Send some loving words my way please.
You don't wanna hear it, but it's probably over. There are plenty more of us who would love to call, send msg., do everything possible to make you feel special. Get over him, get going for somewthing new and more beautiful. You're young, good looking , smart, ready for committment. He ain't!!!! Believe it or not, these ARE loving words. I hate to think of all that goodness (you!) going to waste. You don't wanna hear it, but it's probably over.
Yea, if he has stopped expressing excitment over you and your relationship, its not looking good. No one is so busy that they can't send a message. More importantly you want to do that kind of thing with someone your really into, even more so if you are apart. I would seriously consider where this relationship is going. I sounds like he is keeping you on the side. Just my opinion obviously. Good luck to you.
He was so overly sweet while I was there with him, though. Everything felt right... He was so good to me, just like I expected him to be. And I know things are taking off with the website and the record company and that he's been recording tracks and stuff. I understand that. We talked for 3-4 hours on Saturday morning on the phone, but I haven't talked to him since then, really. 10-15 minutes here and there. Maybe I'm over reacting? He does make time, just not as much as I'm used to, you know? We went almost 10 months talking for hours everyday, then this. I realize I'm probably making excuses, but maybe I wanted to explain more? I don't want it to be over. He was telling me last week "You can't help it. It isn't your fault so don't beat your self up over it. It's natural that when I was spending every waking moment while I was home talking to you and all of a sudden there's getting to be fewer and fewer of those that you'd start to get upset. I love you and that hasn't changed. Nor will it." I then said something about him being busy all the time and me being upset, which is nothing new for him to hear, I'm rather emotional. To which he replied "Just know this.... It's not got anything to do with you, I love you and that won't/hasn't change/d." I realize I'm defending this relationship. I want it. I've wanted it for 3 years. And now it's here. I can't lose it yet. My friends tell me I'm being overly paranoid, and that he really is just busy. Does what he said make any difference to you guys? Change the opinion you expressed? Or I'm just being retarded?
I was in a long distance relationship with a guy for 6 years who lived in new york. I lived there then my dad got a job in atlanta and i have to move with my parents. We went back and forth ( me and my boyfriend at the time) for 6 years between atlanta and new york. Every cent we had went to plane tickets and to seeing each other and it was SO hard. I graduated highschool and we decided I would move to new york and when I got the money up, my bags packed and was almost one week away from flying to new york, he called me up and said he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was so hurt and crushed that i just slept for weeks. I had talked to colleges in new york and was even excepted into one. Look, you may not care a thing about my story and it isn't really the same situation.....but kind of.... all I'm saying is I regret loosing my younger years.( 13-19) I don't regret being with him and the good times but if i could change it i probably would. You are young girl. Go out and have fun and date guys who are close to you. Find someone who acts interested and has time for you. Life is short. It goes by so quick. Much love and luck to you. I hope you are well. <3Alicia
So, to clarify, how often do you talk to him, even if only for 10-15 min? All I feel I can offer at this point is a comparison. I'm also in a long distance relationship. My fiance and I are both incredibly busy -- we're both grad students, and there frankly is not enough time in a day to do all of the reading and research that we are supposed to be getting done. But we talk every day, usually on video chat. Some days, we only chat for 15 min. Other days, we spend an hour on there. We also usually talk at least a bit (5-10 min here & there) on the phone, though a decent chunk of that is me wanting to be on the phone with him as I walk to my car after dark, as a safety issue. What matters isn't how much we talk, but the quality. We tell each other we love one another every time we talk. We say little things to make one another feel special on a regular basis. It's not as good as before I went away to start grad school, when we slept in the same bed every night, when we could go snuggle for 5 min. when we each needed a short break, etc. But we make the effort to say those little things, to remind one another of how special this relationship is to each of us. If the above sounds similar to what's going on with you, and it just feels crappy because you're used to getting much more of his time, then I'd suggest that you think about some creative ways to keep things going despite his time constraints. Life gets messy sometimes, and busting your ass to get things done, especially when you're trying to not just get by but to get ahead so that you can save for a big move, sometimes that gets in the way of spending a lot of time reassuring your partner. On the other hand, if he's not putting in anything close to what I described, then you have to either accept that others are right (that it's probably over) or you have to talk to him and give him the chance to get it right. I completely understand being very emotional and being afraid of breaking down when you try to talk to him... Have you thought about emailing him? That gives you all the time you need to edit and reedit to make sure that you get your point across clearly. Don't accuse him of anything you're afraid might be going on, don't tell him he's making you feel unimportant -- tell him that you're having a hard time dealing with the situation and you need him to make more of an effort to make you feel special, and suggest some ways that would make you feel special but would not require an hour (or more) on the phone. Some guys get busy and forget the little things like that, or start to take for granted that you're confident enough in the relationship to know that he cares. Others need to be reminded that you're not a mind reader and that you need some reassurances.
Everyday. We do do that, just not everyday. Thus me adding what he was saying to me last week. I mailed him a card last week. Didn't tell him about it. So it'll be a surprise. Just so he'll know I'm thinking about him. I want to do little things like that. He's mailed me books and movies of his with a note and such. Because I was having a bad day, and he wanted to give me something to take my mind off of it. It took a little over a week to get the package, but it didn't matter. I've trying to take on extra shifts at work so I can keep busy and make more money at the same time. I'm trying to stay confident in it. He knows that I need the reassurance, though. And normally he doesn't mind giving it to me. It's just been this week he's been so busy that I'm getting paranoid. Oh, and Atom bomb therapy, I lost my younger years when I was 15. I've had a rough 5 years. He's helped me through it. I think that's part of it, why I want to keep him so badly. He hasn't run away like everyone else (including family) in the past 5 years. Either way, I'll be 21 in 5 weeks, I already have a 19 mo. old. I work full time (or more than full time, sometimes). I haven't gone out since before I got pregnant, which would mean I was 18 the last time I went out and "partied" or whatever. I'm not looking to go out and have fun and do all that. I missed my chance already. Oh, and I don't want to date guys. I want one. I mean, I won't even let him get close to Adrienne (my daughter) until I know things will work out long term with us. I don't want her losing him, too. She already doesn't know her father, and won't, if I have anything to do with it. I'm rambling again. Sorry about that.
If that's the case, I don't think your relationship is doomed at all. Your first post sounded a lot worse, and with only that I'd think things are quite rocky. Long distance relationships suck ass. They take a lot more work, because you don't get to do the little things -- a look, a stroke of affection (pat on the butt, arm around your shoulders, whatever works for you), physical intimacy, etc. -- that convey your excitement and affection normally. My fiance and I have struggled with this for the past year and a half (luckily only one more semester to go after this one). Last fall, early on we spent a lot more time chatting and on the phone, but then papers were due and this and that and the other. I completely understand how it feels to have that time together reduced because he's got a lot of pressure from work (school work or regular job work). It sucks. It hurts. Learning to maintain that sense of connection while you're both really busy is not easy. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise, that if it takes work it must mean that he's moved on or whatever. You can make this last, you both just have to put in the effort to find ways to maintain that connection (which it sounds like you're both doing, with sending books and cards and whatnot). Things have actually gotten to the point where I'm somewhat used to being apart. I still hate it, but it's not as bad as it was last year. But the first couple of weeks after visiting him always suck as bad as the first couple of weeks after moving here did.
I think that's part of it. It's only been 12 days since I got back from seeing him, and after spending a weekend with him, this is killing me. I didn't know it was going to be so hard. It was hard before, but it's so much harder now that we've spent that weekend together. It's just difficult for me to be strong about this. I want/need him around, and he can't be. And it'll be at least a year, if not longer, before we can be together for good. Immigration shit sucks. If it wasn't for that, I'd probably have moved, or would be moving much sooner.
You said this in the original post and then you turn around and say you talk everyday? If you are talking everyday then it isn't too bad.
We do talk everyday. But I should have clarified what I meant when I said what I said in my orginal post. I leave him messages "I love you. Have a good day." and he'll get online, and won't respond to them. He used to, and I'm used to that. He used to leave me messages whether I was online or not, and now, it's mostly just when I'm actually here. I like getting replies from him when I'm not around. I don't know. I'm quite confused.
It still sounds like he is pulling back from what you have said. Hard to know what that means completely though.
It feels like he is pulling back too. I just don't know why. I'll have to talk to him about next time we talk. Hopefully sometime this weekend.
It sounds like it's over. If you don't want it to be over manipulate him and start ignoring him and he'll end up chasing you. Guys can't stand to be ignored, it's hillarious. Try not emailing him or not answering the phone when he calls, give him a taste of what he has been giving you and he'll be squirming in no time. Men always want what they can't have and despite what they say they like the chase and the work...so make yourself unavailible. Also start hanging out with your male friends, a lot to fill that void so you don't appear needy (guys can sense that and they hate that). But then again if he's a good one you shouldn't have to play games...even if you decide you don't want to be with him play with him a little bit before hand just to turn the tables and watch him squirm...it's fun. But afterwards leave him because he does sound like a loser if he's not calling.
