depression, lust, and lonliness

This has been really bothering me every since college started but I havn't had a gf for around a year now and being surrounded by all these girl in college is making me really incredible depressed and horny, which I was already depressed (clinically) but it seems like it's a vicious cycle. I'm depressed because I'm lonly, i'm lonly because I'm depressed and the honry factor just amplifies everything by five. I'm not trying to go on some sort of bitching rant but a lot of the times I have seriously thought about being asexual. how much more fullfilling my life might be (even know it wouldn't get rid of the depression) god lol I dunno, does anyone know what the hell I'm talking about?

 

Yes, been there done that. Don't worry, main', it'll get better, trust me.

Btw, do you have any....other...friends here that go by ahem, "I.J.?"

Just wondering.

 

Brother... and you are my brother because I'm also clinically depressed and have felt the way you are now feeling many, many times....


I think I'm coming to some sort of realization... it has to do with an episode I had with a woman recently, in which I felt dehumanized (I'm not trying to fault her, Linda, entirely, and much less women in general --- and that's part of my realization). It also has to do with the fact that I'm breaking apart from a relationship that, although possessive and controlling, has been one of the deepest human connections I've made in my entire life. I'm trying to salvage a friendship that was killed by "commitment."

It has to do with my inquiry into the subject of "dehumanization", which I arrived at through anarchist (Max Stirner & Proudhon)/Marxist ideas, despite having had long, 11-hour conversations with my good friend Matt who's going into the priesthood.

You are feeling dehumanized... You're feeling dehumanized because humans need human connections, and you are alienated from other human beings. Do not go asexual... There is no such thing, anyways.

Instead try to establish human relationships. Treat people, everyone, with the respect they deserve, without possessiveness, without neediness, and they'll reach out for you in time.

I used to think I just wanted a cheap fuck, now I know better. I know it from leaving a whorehouse in total despair, afraid I'd be unable to establish real human connections because of FEAR.

The women you see in college are AFRAID. They've been hurt... but they share the dread of human intimacy with you...

For the horniness, I'd say one option, if it's financially prudent, is going to a prostitute. I know, there's a lot of stigma around that subject, but it doesn't matter... Prostitutes are human beings, and I'll only advise you to do that if you're prepared to treat 'em as such. They are the sacrifical lamb of a society that thinks female sexuality is a dysfunction. Through them, the "respectable" women in bourgeois society maintain their status. Prostitutes are deserving of the deepest respect, despite the psychological problems they are bound to have.

Further, I say, don't "look." Don't even look... Obviously, I'm not talking about the physical act of looking at a woman (which you should do spontaneously, but without attatchment... and remember an eye-contact is better than a stare); I'm talking about trying hard to get laid. Don't do that. The more you try, the less you'll get it, unfortunately.

Instead, try to overcome your fear of human intimacy. With everyone... With the black homeless guy in the street, with a classmate, with the fat girl in the cafeteria, with the cute girl in the cafeteria. They share that fear with you, and that is what's keeping you from having a girlfriend.

I warn you though, there are societal factors at work:

1) bourgeois habitual ostracism --- this is a society in which people "get ahead" by trampling upon other human beings. A lot of these women will trample upon you. That, because unfortunately it is how women are socialized to gain their "repectability";

2) socializing, dating, consumming, spectating --- these are the ways in which people try to establish human connections in this society. It's pitiful... The ONLY way to establish a human connection is through sharing in PRODUCTIVE activity. By productive I mean, you need to DO something with these women and BUILD something with them... A "conversation" is only productive when it is sincere... When both parties overcome their fear of sincerity, of writing a post that is a little too long (lol), of sounding silly, of not comforming to bourgeois "decorum";

3) We are all sexually oppressed. By marriage, commitment, religion, the state...

These three societal factors will cause you much suffering... Understand them, and you'll be able to lead a productive life (in human connection and in work). Understand yourself... Have you been through psycho-analysis? We are both depressed for a reason other than chemical imbalance.... Chemical imbalance only establishes a tendency toward depression, it doesn't make it happen. Understand what is it psychologically that is causing you to adhere to that tendency.

In my case it is an Oedipal/inferiority complex... But this post has gone on too long. Let us know how you're faring. I care.

 

Well that's what I have been trying to figure out for years now with meds and therepy/doctors. I feel that somewhat pinpointing my depressive "status" will help me function better, then, in turn, create a more active fight.

 

I'm not sure what you mean. If you mean that the word "depression" is too general; that is the avenue I'm now exploring. I know I have generalized anxiety disorder, but there is probably other diagnosis that I'm unaware of because I don't have money for bona fide Freudian psycho-analysis at this point.

If what you mean is that acknowledgement of your depressive status creates a more active fight, I totally agree. I spent all of my teens and early 20s in denial that I needed professional help. It took me literally 2 years of total agony to accept the idea that I needed medication. 5 years (with an interval in which I medicated myself with alcohol) to accept the idea that I needed therapy.

Now I'm more comfortable in my own skin, but still have a lot of work to do, and I'm going through a lot right now.

 

Iknow what ya mean, i've been almost the same way for TOO many years..

 

life gets better in college. the first 6 months of college sucked pretty bad. Now things for me (a nerdy dorky kid) are easy.

Things have a habit of turning around. Sort of like the seasons, your in winter right now, summer will come along. there is hope.