My problem, someting I've always been afflicted with...

Well, this turned out longer than I was expecting, but hopefully someone will be willing to read the whole thing. There's also a short summary at the bottom too, heh heh.

The short: For most of my life most of my friends have been girls. As such, whenever I meet a new girl I always think of them in terms of a new friend, never as a potential date/girlfriend. As a result, it's often not until I become good friends with someone that I begin to be attracted to them. However, I'm always afraid that if I ask them out, it may adversly affect our friendship and things will never be quite the same. On rare occasions I work up the nerve to ask one of my friends out, and so far doing so has never damaged my friendship with them, but the response has always been the same: "Let's just be friends".

Now then, onto my story:
During Senior year of highschool I became closer to my friends than I had before. I finally managed to convince my parents to let me get a drivers license (They didn't think my 200+ hours of driving experience with my permit was enough, but that's a different story ) so I was able to use the spare beater car and finally get away from home and spend more time with my friends.

The Summer after Senior year was by far the best time of my life to date. I spent a lot of time with my friends, whether it be making fun of movies (Mystery Science Theatre 3000 style!), wandering around the forests of Oregon, or just enjoying eachother's company. It was during this time that I became very close friends with someone that had been more of an aquantance during highschool. She was the friend of my bestfriend, so that's why we started spending a lot more time together.

Things continued to go great and I enjoyed our daily adventures more than anything else I'd done in my life. It was nice to finally be able to get away from the house and just live life. My parents (mostly my mother in particular) were extremely overprotective and attempted to "shelter" me from the evils of the world. They felt it was their duty to shield me from everything and that if I was left to make my own decisions I would end up with a ruined life somehow. Well, they were completely wrong. (Now that I'm finally away from home I'm able to live life largely on my own terms, and the only real difference now is that I enjoy nature and wandering much more, and I've become even more disillusioned with materialism and consumerism).

So anyways, after spending much time with my new friend (I'll call her A. Yes, I know. Increadibly original ), I began to have feelings for her. I'd only ever been in one relationship before, and it was just a spur of the moment "sure, I'll go out with ya" kind of thing. It was pretty lame actually, we watched a couple movies, had lunch together, went to prom, and that was it. Nothing else happened (and while this is somewhat embarassing, we didn't even kiss, heh heh).

So as I spent more time with A, I started wrestling with the idea of possibly asking her out. I reasoned that it was probably a bad idea since there was only a month of summer left before I had to go to college, and I wasn't sure about a long distance relationship. Not to mention I feared greatly that it might damage our friendship, and I value my friendships greatly. Well, I finally decided to bite the bullet and ask her out. Initially, she agreed to it, and I was pretty damn happy about it. However, the next day she said that she had done a lot of thinking and changed her mind and decided that we would be better off as friends. While this was a pretty big letdown, we talked about it and decided to just forget the last couple days and continue on as if the whole thing didn't happen. After that things continued as they had before. She, I, and the rest of our friends continued to hang out just as much as we did before, and there wasn't any change in our friendship, something I was extremely relieved about. After some time passed I was actually glad that she had changed her mind about the whole thing, since one month of summer wasn't nearly enough time for a relationship.

Our summer vacations ended and all of us except A and a couple other friends went off to college. A and the others that didn't go off to college had to stay behind since they still had one more year of highschool to attend. I went off to UC Davis, and it didn't take me long to realize that going to Davis was a terrible mistake. The entire situation here is really poor, and I decided to transfer out as soon as the quarter ended and head back up to Oregon for school (not to mention the out of state fees are absolutely INSANE). I also found myself thinking about my friends a lot, and how amazing and unique each one of them is. I tried to meet people here and find new friends, but pretty much everyone was the same. They seriously lacked character and personality, and were either too serious or too bland for my tastes. I'm a very odd and offbeat person, so it's difficult for me to find people that I can relate to. I also found myself missing A more than usual, and for some reason I began to feel closer to her than I did during the last part of my previous summer. I suppose I still have feelings for her. I keep in touch with all my friends still, and talk to them over Facebook/MySpace almost every day and I call them too when I can.

I got to see all of my friends and family over Thanksgiving break, and it was so great to be able to see everyone again. I love my friends so much, it was difficult to get by without them these past few months. Also, seeing A again confirmed that I really did still have feelings for her. I didn't mention this to anyone, but it was nice to know that I wasn't just going crazy from being lonely.

Now here is where things get complicated for me. I've never met anyone quite like her before, and chances are I never will. She's very unique, has an easygoing personality, and has a very maternal nature which are all characteristics I find very attractive. I want to ask her out again at some point in the future (not now, since I want to do it at a time when we'll actually be able to see eachother), but I'm very afraid to do so. This is because not only am I afraid of compromising our friendship which has only gotten stronger, but I've already asked her out before. She is unwilling to have a long distance relationship, I already know this, but when I mentioned to her that I'm going to be transferring to a different college, she said that she was going to be attending the same college I was transferring to. This would mean that if we did end up together we would be attending the same college and would be able to spend time together.

So basically, I'm in love with one of my best friends whom I already asked out previously this year and was rejected. We're still friends, even closer than we were before, but I've found that I still have feelings for her. However, I'm very afraid of asking her out again since I already did so and was rejected. I also fear that it might damage our friendship which is something I would absolutely hate to do. I'm also at college and she's finishing up her Senior year at highschool, so there's the distance issue. However, she will be attending the same college I'm transferring to so that would eliminate the distance facor.

I think I'm going to wait on this and collect my thoughts until we're together again for summer break and after that, attending the same college. I'm a very patient person, and it's difficult for me to fall for women I don't truly like, so chances are my situation won't change much.

So then, any advice for someone confused about their options in the situation?

 

It is right to be worried about harming the friendship. A thought: be grateful for her friendship, and don't think of it as a mere process. You're lucky already, to have such a friend.

If you really love her you may ask her out. Good luck.

 

Yes, I'm sooooo glad to have her as a friend! I really, truly, enjoy hanging out with her.

I'm probably going to collect my thoughts for awhile, and I suppose I'll make my decision next time we're going to be together for a long time, which is pretty much going to be summer vacation.

I can't say I'll be any less afraid though... Heh heh.

 

I feel for you, man. That's not an easy situation to be in, and I hope things do wrok out for you in the long-term. I'm not sureI have any advice, really. You know what you're doing, so just give it time...
And also, I'm exactly the same way. Most of my friends have been girls,and on occasion I get overly fond of one of them, and the whole ruining of the friendship thing can be horribly nerve-racking. I actually just wrote a letter to my best friend telling her my feelings, so she'll probably get that in a couple days... we'll see what happens!
Again, though, good luck!

 

Look if you really like this girl then quit worrying about the friendship and start pursuing her. Let her know how you feel and keep asking her out. If she brings up the friendship tell her your feelings are way stronger then just that. You risk losing a friend maybe but what regrets are you going to be left with when she finds someone else and you are still locked in friend mode. There is no gain in life without risk, thats just how it is. Now get out there and go for it, quit over analyzing the situation.

 

Concerning the always falling into the friend group. If you find a woman attractive then make your move quick. This lets her classify you as a suitor instead of a friend. Once you are marked friend it is hard to come out of. I think the reason you like to wait so long is because you are afraid of rejection.

 

It's not rejection I'm afraid of, it's the possibility of damaging my friendships that really scares me.

I'm going to wait on it and see how I feel next time I go home and get to see her again. I might ask my best friend about it too, since her and A are very close friends as well.