So awhile ago I made this promise to myself that I would NEVER fall for an older guy again because they just have too much on me and make me feel too naive and vulnerable.. Well go figure I met this AMAZING guy that Im definately really starting to get the hang of. He actually got a job at the place I used to work at just before I quit. We wound up working together alot and wound up forming a REALLY good friendship over the few weeks we worked together and for some reason I found he was someone I could confide in he's just that type of guy so I opened up to him about alot of stuff that was going on in my life and that just seemed to make him open up to me about his life. And it turned out we were calling each other 3-4 times a day just to chat especially if we knew we wouldnt be owrking together that night or whatever... Well anyways we started hanging out afterwork and what not too we'd just go ride around or what not but one night somehow we started fooling around and stuff happened... and afterwards we had this conversation of wether or not it was the right thing to do since he's 28 and Im only 19.... and we agreed it might not have but it happend and we cant change that and it wasnt a horrible tragic thing either... but anyways we kept hanging out more and more and even fooled around a few other times... and just the other night I stayed with him at his new place... but every once in awhile he keeps dropping the "your so young" thing at me.. and it throws me off because one minute its like we have this AWESOME relationship I mean not many guys will leave a bar to hang out with a chic that cant get into the bar because she's underage... and not many guys would tell his buddies he wanted to be in early on the night of his birthday when he was out partying it up just so he could go back to his place and spend time with her.... now to me that kinda seems like he's into me and we have a pretty decent thing going... and everytime I look at him I swear I melt like I can be in a completely shit ass mood and he just gives me this look and I cant help but smile... and Im pretty sure I make him smile too... but then the other morning when I woke up he was still sleeping and I dont know he kind of woke up and looked at me for a second and fell back asleep and I dont know why but that got things jogging in my head.. is he really in this for something thats going to stick or am I just a free ride until he finds something else or what...I just know that Im getting attached and like if this isnt something thats going to last I want to stop myself while Im ahead ya know... but I just dont know how to say anything to him because at the same time I dont want to ruin the friendship and what not we have.... any advice?
Okay. I hear you. I've dated a 32 year old when I was 21. And just got out of a semi-relationship with a 62 year old man. I know many people are going to have their eyes bulging out of their head when they read this but trust me, a person is still a person. At the end of the day, you have to deal with YOUR own insecurities (I mean those who engage in relationships with significant age-gaps). May, I felt the same with the 32 year old. I was very young and did not understand some of his language. By language I mean indicators like things he would do or say because let's face it, as you mature you also learn how people interact and react to certain situations. It's because I could not read his "language" that I was severely blinded/fooled in the end. At the time I truly felt like I could handle dating someone older. In hindsight, I was... naive. Big surprise. I know you have a bucketload of your own experiences, and you will argue equips you well to handle going out with an older person (there are some who do and it's wonderful). I felt like I was strung along as just a ride, and later as just a plaything with the 62 year old. No, I am aware that not all older men/women/etc are like this - this is only my experience. Mind you, I would have prefered that the 62 year old remained a friend and nothing but - what bothered me is that he played along and when the going got tough and I was honest about feeling uncomfortable, he just dropped me. Just smiled, wished me a good day, and 10 months of what I thought was at least sincere affection (I knew it was not love) evaporated. He never offered to talk about things, or even make an effort to patch it up. He didn't care. If there was one thing I hoped to have done more in the past was to LISTEN TO MY GUT. I had many gut feelings which in the end turned out bang on correct. I can go on preaching but you may not listen. Sometimes problems come up months later when you realize your S.O. has issues about telling you things... like a child from a previous marriage. Recognize what matters to YOU, and do NOT make compromises when you feel uncomfortable. Don't.
Hannah, How old were you when the guy was 62? To me age is just a number, to a point. There are some generation gap barriers that sometime arise. The most important factor is how people feel about each other, and their honesty and commitment to the relationship.
but like I do feel comfortable and I did actually in fact attempt to go on a date the other night and the wholllle time all I could do was wish I was out with Derek and my gut instinct tells me that its right and like I beleive in God and I beleive God will guide you if oyu let him thats just my beleif I know others have different beleifs.. but anyways the other night when I was wondering about it like.. I was praying and asking God what I should do and oddly enough a few minutes later Derek called me and I Was like hmm is this a sign that I need to stick with it orrrrr what...and I told him straight up that like if he as an issue with the age we need to stop screwing around with each other.. and I told him straight up I dont have an issue with the age because Ive dated older guys before (Rich was 26) and it was an awesome relationship for the most part we just .. drifted apart I guess...and after we have these talks like a little bit changes and he seems to get closer to me but it still seems like it lingers and then I start having thoughts lingereing in my head and I just I dont know how to act and if I need to be caught up on him or not because oddly enough thats one thing we havent really talked about
19 and 28, well, it's an age gap but if you both want to you can make it work. You're both legal so I don't really see the problem personally.... if you keep fallign for older guys maybe it just means you're a bit more mature than the average 19 year old?
I don't think that the age should really be a major issue in your situation. I mean, as ihmurria said, you're both legal and consenting, sooo... Hey, when my husband and I were dating, I couldn't get into bars with him (and he was in a band that played out at some of the bars) and it was no big deal. And once, a group of us went to a winery and they would not even let me in the dining area because I was underage (only 19 at the time). I was mortified, but everybody was cool with it, and said it was no big deal. One of the people in our group suggested we buy a couple bottles of wine and go drink it on the beach as the sun was setting, and that's what we did. We had a great time once I quit feeling so embarassed about being the one holding the group back from going into the winery for music and drinks. It was kind of odd being the "baby" of the group, but everybody made me feel welcome, and heck, his even friends told him I was a keeper. That made me feel really good! I think, if it's meant to be, it will happen. {{{Hugs}}} sweetie, and best of luck in love to you!
May, Learn to trust your feelings, the difference between 19 and 28 is not all that great. If the age thing is the only issue you are worried about then just relax, and enjoy the building of your relationship. In time you will know if he is the right guy or not.
Sometimes I believe age really just isn't a number, at least not when the law is involved. I've seen too many times when girls under 21 start relationships with guys over 21, and the guys too at first would spend time with the girl but only in the beginning. Many a fights would be over the bar. Insecurities would run rampant about what was going on where she couldn't see. The bar aside, if there hasn't been anything really discussed about your relationship besides you being so young, is kinda seems like he isn't really serious as you may be. Of course I could be completely wrong and something good can really come of this....
every relationship has its baggage , whether it be past experiences or an age gap ,the main thing is the willingness to understand these things and work through them. the main concern is always family. does he have one? do you want one ? does he want a new one ? and so on with the big age gaps. but if there are no kids concerned then the age gap really does not exist.the advent of children and the commitment shown by a couple to raise those children is the only thing that really matures us in relationships.otherwise we are all still 14
hippychickmommy: thanks alot! that did cheer em up about the situation because I often feel the same way with his buddies but his buddies do come aroudn when Im around and say Im a cool chick frieden: we are COMPLETELY honest with each other and open for everything I mean I wasnt going to say this because I didnt want people to think the wrong thing but the other night he went to a strip club with his buddies because thats what Brett wanted to do with him for his bday or whatever.. and it really didnt bother me because I trust him and I know that their just eye candy so what... and the bar thing I dont think its going to get to me either because like when he comes home like if he was witha chick he'd tell me he saw this girl at the bar but then theres always that reassurance at the end that like lets me know that he wasnt screwing off.. gratefulkey: no kids involved well other than the wrestling and football teams he coaches lol but those arent really his kids LOL... and I havent any kids either Ive been thinking about it all day and I think Im just paranoid and trying to reassure myself sort of and Im just being a wory wart which is what Im best at sometimes... and I just wanted some outside advice thanks guys I appreciate it!
So what's the problem? You're afraid of the possibility of being manipulated but you're comfortable with it? That is a contradiction. If he can't talk about, kick it to the curb. I'm sorry, girl. Been there, done that. People who cannot speak openly about troubling issues that concern the both of you is total BS. Trust me, I used to be a lot more understanding.. you know, give it more time. No. I would seriously advise you not to waste your time on someone who is A) not willing to speak about what's bothering you and B) someone who selectively or purposely EVER leaves out information about his past that still continues to have an impact today. Or are you being pathetic about putting your concerns forth? I've been on this end too with the other person claiming they are victimized. For Pete's sake, speak up!
cool no kids mean your both free to be 14 ,look im cheeky i just read your star sign and at a guess i would say your idealism is bringing you down. just accept it and go with the flow and give it your best shot. if you are really unhappy then i trust you to make yourself happy.and make the change if you have too. but something tells me that its not at that serious stage yet !!! stop worrying about it and enjoy yourself
