I decided to take a swing at trying to write something not completely shitty. So...here it goes. The name is retarded. I need to think of a new one. “The Wall” We all have it. That wall, that wall that disconnects us from ourselves. I’m going to tell you about my wall. My wall that drove me crazy. My wall that caused this mess. It’s more of a tower. My own solitary little circle. Chapter One “Baby, I’ll be over as soon as I can. You sound depressed.” Her voice was as sweet as the summer breeze. She was my girlfriend. James. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life. Her eyes were almost the same color as the leaves in the fall. She had rich, mocha skin and flowing black hair. From her aristocratic nose to her bubblegum toes, she was amazing. Her lips were perfect, just like the rest of her. She had all the right curves in all the right places. She was thin. She was magnificent. I have no idea how she ended up with me. I was skinny. I was pale. I was ugly. My nose had a huge bump in it. My eyes were pale just like the rest of me. A pale blue. The color of the sky right after a storm is what James used to describe them. My tall scrawny, wiry body was a mess. Messy blonde hair fell into my face and down my neck. I wasn’t strong. I had absolutely no muscle tone. None. The bell rang. It was James. I quickly walk to the buzzer. “Come on up.” I mutter, as I press the unlock button. Shortly, I hear her high heeled ankle boots clicking down the hall. I open the door right before she knocks. “Oh! Hey Tyler. I told you I’d get here soon enou-“ I stopped her with a kiss. She tasted like cigarettes and gum. I could feel her tongue ring against my lips. I pulled away. I could see her sort of shocked and sort of grinning like an evil child. “Well hello to you too, baby. So, tell me. What’s wrong with you? You just sounded sad on the phone.” I pulled her into my bedroom before answering. The walls were paper thin and my bedroom was the only room that didn’t have a wall that attached to other apartments. Plus, I have a hammock in there. She kicks off her boots and craws into my arms on the hammock. “Will you please just tell me now?” She sounded annoyed with me. “I marched my ass all the way over here at 3 in the morning to make sure you’re ok. It’s 20 degrees out there and I had to walk.”. Might as well tell her something. “It’s just…you know. My mother. My sister. My dad. My mom left again last night and they don’t know where she is. My sister is having her third abortion and my dad well…he’s the same abusive fuck he was 20 years ago. I sometimes feel bad for him. It’s kind of hard to.” I say with almost no inflection. She moves around till she is lying on my chest, staring at me. “Baby, I know that’s not all that’s wrong. Now tell me or I’m gonna have to do something.” I grin. She can see it. I want her to do something. I want her to make a move. After ten seconds of silence, she’s sitting on top of me. I hold onto her hips. “Oh this is such punishment. Please stop the pain!” I say, sarcastically. She gives me the look and keeps sitting on me. Then, she does it. She starts to tickle me. “Now what are you gonna do, boy! I have the power now!” I giggle like a little school girl. She keeps tickling me, until I start to tickle her. She tries not to laugh to loud, seeing the old psychic lady downstairs gets mad if we’re too loud. I stop tickling her and just hold her. She’s warm. The weight of her body feels good against my chest. She’s dressed in a pair of jeans and a button up white shirt, which I can pretty much see through. I know it’s a dirty thought, but I’m a guy and that’s just what we do. The hammock creeks as we swing back and forth. Side to side. I see her look at my bed. I smile at her at take her hand, trying to lead her over there. She takes off her jeans and crawls under the covers. “What are you waiting for, Tyler. Get in.” She says that to me in almost a seductive tone. I look at her and take off my baggy cargo shorts and crawl in next to her. I drape my arm across her stomach and pull her close to me. She sighs and snuggles up. I reach over and touch the base of the lamp next to my bed. The light goes out. The only light coming in is from the bright city streets below us. I kiss her neck lightly. She smells like incense. Her hair is soft against my face. “I love you, Tyler. I hope you know that.” “I love you too, James. I know that.” I say softly into her ear, before falling asleep next to her. Chapter Two I wake up with the bitter-sweet smell of coffee. James is gone. I hear the TV on in the living room. After I rise from my covers, I walk out into the sunlight. I don’t know what time it is. It’s bright. Sometime in the afternoon is my guess. James is sprawled out on my excuse for a couch, watching crappy metal videos. “Good morning, baby. I thought you’d never wake up. It’s 2 already.” She still just in her underwear and one of my shirts. She’s never looked more beautiful to me then she does right now. No make-up, hair up in a messy bun, in a ratty t-shirt and a pair of undies. “Well I’m awake now. That’s what matters, I suppose. So, what’ve you been up too?” I say, slightly sighing at the end. “Well…I woke up, made coffee, went out for a smoke, came back, sat on the couch, and watched these videos. They suck so much but yet I can’t stop watching them…” Her voice is making me smile like a retard. I plop down next to her. She holds up her legs and then puts them on top of me. I sigh and look at her. “Do we really have to watch this? Can’t we watch Sponge Bob instead?” I whine at her, giving her the puppy dog eyes. She sighs and switches it. “You’re such a toddler. I’m taking a shower. I’ll be back…” When she gets off the couch, I lay down in the spot she was. The natural light pouring in the large bay window was giving the TV a horrible glare. I put up with it for about 10 minutes, then shut it off. I can finally hear the water running in the bathroom. I get up and walk towards the now cold pot of coffee sitting on the burner. James forgot to turn the heater on. Oh well. I hear the water turn off and James step out. “Ty, you’re out for conditioner…” I know I’m out of conditioner. But she’s the only one who uses it. I just look at it while I’m washing my hair, thinking about using it, then convincing myself that it just takes too damn long to do. Massage in. Wait 5 minutes. Wash out. Repeat if necessary. Same old same old. I realize I’ve been standing in my kitchen staring at my Mr. Coffee for 10 minutes. James looks out of my room. “Uh…baby. What are you doing?” She snaps me back into reality. “Oh…uh nothing, I guess. You have clothes right?” I question, popping my neck. “Yeah. You know that.” I do don’t I? I smile and nod at her and then go back to watching the coffee pot. Something about it is just…different. It’s not how it looks or how it is working. It’s just different. Like it has an emotion. Like it’s trying to tell me something. I slap the white plastic machine lightly. “What do you want!” I yell quietly, trying not to let James hear me. The machine looks at me. “You tell me Tyler. You tell me.” I’m shocked. The fucking coffee pot is talking to me. I can’t believe this. I call to James to come here. She walks quickly in and stands next to me. “Yes? What is it, honey?” “It’s this coffee pot. It talked. I said ‘You tell me Tyler. You tell me.’. Am I going crazy?” I ask, poking at the glass pot. The brown liquid swishes on the sides. I’ve never really looked at this coffee pot. It’s stained around the sides. The top has crumbs all over it from me eating what I eat every morning. Toast. James looks at me. “Honey. Go talk to a doctor. It’ll be fine. I promise.” She sounds so reassuring. But she knows how much I hate psychiatrists. I’m not going to see him. I’ll tell her I am. But I won’t. Why am I going to lie to my girlfriend? “I’ll go see one soon. I promise.” I tell her, picking up her damp hands and holding them up, then kissing them. She smiles.[font="][/font] “Ok. Good. Maybe they can write you a new prescription for the antidepressants. That’d be good, right?” I half nod in agreement and turn away from the stupid coffee maker. I probably shouldn’t of. The pot might grow arms and stab me with that knife over there. Better yet the knife might grow legs and come over and stab me itself. Shit. I look at my apartment. It all seems to be alive. Everything seems rounded and sort of, breathing. I squint my eyes. My couch is moving. I swear to fucking god. The couch is moving. I can’t believe it. “Baby, Look at the couch…Anything seem off about it?” I ask, in a nervous tone. She looks at me with this half scared half confused look. “Um no. Not really. Look Ty, I’m just gonna go. You have some issues to work through and I need to feed my cats. I’ll call you later to check up on you. I love you.” She stands on her tip toes and kisses my check softly, then hurries out the door. I can’t believe she didn’t see that. I watch her leave and then turn back to the living room. The couch is back where it was. Everything is back to normal. Maybe I just need to shower. Maybe I’ll use conditioner this time.
Try to use less simles/metaphors, as they can seem to be overused at times. Also, work on your punctuation. Apart from that, it's really impressive for a 13 year old. Good work.
Punctuation lacking ! Not enough comma's too many fullstops. Not enough description of surroundings. Probably not enough understanding of the world you are trying to portray. Try to write within your experience of the world. It always shows when someone doesnt write about what they know
It's good, but it's a little complicated. Also I noticed that you used the word plop (I plop down next to her). I like the word plop and I wish more people would use it. This is what literature is about and I don't think people understand how important the word plop is to the world novel-writing. I hope you carry on using it, because this will make you a better writer, even better than Stephen King who is over-rated and has not used the word plop for many years after his best novels were written. Well done.
the tenses used are sort of confusing. one minute he's talking in present tense, then in past tense. but that's my only critique. very good story. the end has a totally different vibe to it. i don't know what to call it, but it's just jittery? maybe. iono. but very well written.
Thats a brilliant bit of writing really, I dont think that could have been acheived if you sat there thinking about it for long enough. Must have flowed straight from the mind to the page
