please help..divorce??

hi, im in a hard spot here..i have been married going on 3 yrs and have 2 beautful kids. whome i raised almost all on my own.ages 3 1/2 and 1 1/2..i am home 100%of the time while he is out at work and than out withhis freinds till 1 am or 12. he says i can go out, but i can only go during the day or till 9 pm maybe 10. he falls asleep easily and not with my kids so they will go looking for him if they were to wake when i am gone and he is alseep..wich can be dangerous in our home as my daughter can push down any gate and go down our huge flight of stairs taking her brother with her..if he fell my hubby would never hear, he wakes up to nothing!!
so i dont go out past 9 becasue of it, and since i got married lost all my friends anyways except 1
he goes out 3 times a wk, and i non..yet he thinks its fine and everytime i tell him hes not a kid anymore and to grow up and help me with the kids. he say sorry but yet keeps doiung it..been 3 yrs of it now and im at a loss as far as what to do..no matter how nice, sexy or appealing i try to be, we have sex and than the next night hes gone..

and love him so this is hard!! whats even harder is that this is my house, and he has my truck and pays for nothing but our groceries and such, my parents bought me this house and my trucks and pay for it all, i have really weird rich parents and they wont even let me have my phone in my name..their way of controlling me, wich is a whole nother story i wont get into..so if he left he would have nothing...

i thought marriage was suppost to be equal..i want to work but cant, he wont pay for daycare..and so here i am me myslef and my kids..and my furbabies..
thanks ful at least i have them in my life..
i have talked to him until im blue in the face and nothing!! im done acring about it anymore and feel i am now stuck in a marriage for my kids sake and not my own. i love him but dont see any respect from him,and hate thinking this is it??my life?? how did it get to this??

sorry for the long post everyone!!
just a really sad wife needing some guidance..

 

Hey... I'm eighteen, much younger than you, but I know a sad story when i hear one. This is a textbook horrible marriage. It sickens me reading about it, because you sound terribly bored, and terribly lonely. You never get to go out and have time just for you. Marriage is infamous for requiring maturity and hard work, but a healthy marriage has rewards: Yours doesn't! You've got all the responsibilities a person could ever reasonably be expected to handle, and your life seems to have grown dull and monotonous.
I'm not going to say I know the guy, and I'll bet he DOES work pretty hard: But he sounds like he's not working NEARLY as hard as you. I'd say divorce him. I know you'd feel guilty about what you do to the kids, but that's life. It'll be difficult for them to see their parents split, but they'll learn to cope. It'll be horribly difficult for you as well, because you say you love him- but hey, it has to be done. You're twenty seven years old. You're a young female who's in her prime and has the right to a decent and respectable lover.
I can't say much more. I think you know what you have to do. I don't know your situation like you do- I don't know if it's worth saving or not, but from what you say it probably isn't. If I leave with anything, I'll leave with my little list:

1)Divorce his ass!
2)Kick him out of YOUR house (or possibly let him stay until he finds a new place, but stand firm with wanting divorce)
3)If you ever go through with this and find a new man, he's not your kid's "dad". Don't let them call him that. (I've had bad experiences with assholes dating my mom)

Good luck... I can't stand to see you suffer even if I don't know you. On behalf of the forums, I'd like to ask you to not stop posting. Keep us updated on your situation, and we'll be of what comfort or assistance we can. Thanks and good luck.

 

Thank you ((((hugs))) i needed that reply!!with being an insider its important to look at it through other people eyes...i do love him thats whats so hard, and i feel all alone most of the time. i go to movies by myself wich i enjoy, but cant have any tru freinds that tolerate jsut talking to me over the phone except my 1 and we have been freinds for 8 yrs now, at least i havent lost this one too..

i am really worried about what would happen to him, and my kids..they love him and i can see it not to mention the fact that i would never wnt to take them away from him...
i have alot of thinking to do, Thanks again soooo much!!
you are very sweeet to have replied to me, adn with honesty

write soon

 

Get rid of the dictatorial selfish bastard at once and start living your life, because before you know it, you will be 47 (!!!) and still with the fucker!!!

 

Hey skye*, ever think that your parents have everything in their name so's he can't take half when he leaves? Which he will, one of these days. And what will you have lost? NOTHING! You will remain single, a good mom, with stuff. And free of worry. Why not change the locks, get a lawyer,take all the money out of the account, put the kids in the car and move in with your folks 'til he's gone? Who said life is fair, that we never make mistakes, or that fresh starts aren't possible. Listen to Mary Poppins, put a phoney smile in your heart (it'll be real soon as you're single again), and git goin! We'll listen and encourage any time. Keep us informed- we're pullin' for ya, gal!!

 

A lot of people in the world are all about themselves. It sounds like you have found one to get attached to. I am sure he thinks he is the put out one because he goes to work but you know that is not the case. Marriage is about two people working together to raise a family. Not one person being unattached and out partying. I would find it more annoying that he admits being in the wrong and still does it anyway. That would indicate to me that he doesn't care what you are going through. I know others feel differently but IMO married people should try to do their partying together. I have seen many marriages break up because one or the other thought they were entitled to alone partying time. The problem is you alienate your spouse and they are not a part of the fun times. Eventually fun equals being without the family. It just doesn't work. You have every right to pick up your life and move on if your needs are not being met and he is not taking you seriously.

Secondly, get out and work. This will broaden your circle of friends and get you out of your parent grip. It is important for your self esteem to know you earned what you have but like you said that is another story.

 

Skye*

Have you tried marriage councelling yet? I think I understand about your "controlling" parents who use money against you - however, I don't think they are aware of negatively inhibiting you, they just have not learned how to let go yet! Have you really gone out of your way to break free from their wealth, and not depend on them either? That's a question you have to ask yourself but like you said it's not the point of this thread, and something else altogether.

Divorce sounds like a ray of hope. But keep in mind that it's not a magical solution with instant gratitude. Where will you go? Do you have the money (if your parents do not support you) to go through a potentially ugly legal battle? Are you prepared to at least maintain *some* contact with your ex-husband for the sake of your children? Have you considered telling them the truth eventually or try to minimize their confusion about why Mom and Dad don't talk anymore or live together?

I do agree with the advice by the other posters but be very careful and try to find out all the legal information you can get your hands on, even by word of mouth from others in the same position and seriously thinking of divorce. If it's a really desperate situation (and hey, we all get into those some time or another so don't feel TOO bad), be prepared to be unwittingly, financially "manipulated" by your parents again, OR make sure pretty independent to handle what YOU need to do.

All the best.

 

well i didnt live off my parents until i was older and had a 6 month old, we got married and they bought me a house as a wedding present, along with my trucks(suv's)i gladly accepted becasue i could not work at the time, taking care of her..and plan to keep it that way till they are both in school and i get a full time job, than yes i will gladly move out..howvere they are both old and i know my house and theirs are in their will for me..vehicles already paid off..so i know i will at least have a roof over my head with or without them...

with or without leaving..wich why would i now??it would be the worst time and not worht it in my opinion, espo since i cant have my kids in daycare and not rellying on his money to support us, plus he never would anyways!!

i have thought alot about if it really came down to him leaving, and no i wouldnt take his kids away form him!! but i would only allow him to have day visits with him..he cant be trusted at night and would only be putting them in harm if he wanted it that way..he is a pot head and also is stoned at night and thats another reason he wont get them overnight..no he doesnt smoke around them or myelf since i hate all drugs and when i became a parent stopped smoking up and having anything to do with any type of drug in general!! If he cares for his kids he will respect the fact that he would only be doing them harm, so i hope he realizes that and is fine with having them any "day" he wants to

not saying im actually doing it, im still thinking about it alot, i love him dearly and just wish he loved us back!! he wont go to counseling ive asked so many times they only answer i get is f off!!so all i can do at this point is keep trying to get through to him that if he dosent cahnge soon, im not taking it anymore..

thanks for your help everyone talk to ya soon

 

I hate to tell you but once you are divorced you will have very little say about what he does with the kids. You will not be able to make stipulations like only "days". That won't happen unless you can prove he is unfit and smoking pot isn't going to get you there. You would have to "prove" abuse. It is truely sad that he is not respecting your opinions anymore. What you just wrote though makes me think maybe you have changed quite a bit since you had kids. Kids are a big responsibity but you can't just become a stick in the mud either. That is not exciting and you need some excitment to keep a marrige fresh. Like I said, party together, be responsible together and you will stay together. If you two are on completely different wave lengths on what you want in life the break up will be inevitable. Just remember you won't be able to control what your kids do while at his home for the night and you won't have a way to stop it, unless he signs over his rights. Divorce is not all good for sure. Fighting over raising the child afterwords is very common and very damaging to the child. Just something to keep in mind.

 

thank you i will and yes, he fell asleep dwonstairs and my 3 yr old went loooking for him tkaing my son who couldnt walk down the stairs at the time with her..i came home right when he was about to start going down..im so lucky i did!!!he hasnt watched them at night since, he knows he sleeps through anything and hope he would respect hat if it came down to itthank you for your reply, i wish we couild go out together but imnot included in her outings, only guys are!!

 

his outings

 

Well, look up your divorce options. Is it REALLY an option or are you entertaining fantasy notions that it will solve your problem/s? If that path looks bleak, then maybe it will help you resolve what you need to do without divorce, or how much effort you want to put into the divorce process if it is necessary.

 

thats a good qustion, im not sure, i am happy when he is gone and upset when he is around me lately,only becasue he picks on me about everything and hates everything i hold deer to me..hence why i am sad alot of the time.


i help save dogs and cats from being put down, line up rescue groups for them to go to, and help transport them..i even send out flyers and email anyone i can for help..this is something i hold dear to me and i feel is imporant, since he wont let me foster in my home anymore...he says"why not waste them all, save the world of over population,hell there just a waste of space"...every time he says that i want to cry!! i fostered for 8 yrs before he met me and he knew my love for animals when and after he married me, now i have to stop helping the one thing i love most in this world???
im not a prty girl, i dont go to clubs, i dont go to bars, or dance, or do anything girls my age do, i help animals and dont see how that hurts him any!!
i cant even have a large breed dog, he gets jelous!!im spending to much time with it, instead of spending that time on him...WHEN HE IS HOME>>>

AHHH SO damb frustrating, the straw that broke the camels back is when he literally kicked a shep puppy in the back,almost breaking it!!he yelped for 5 min and i thought he really hurt him, i was in tears and he did it in front of my kids!!!i took the pup and my kids and left, to a freinds house who now has to adopt the puppy out herself and im not bringing another into the house again!!the puppy jumped up on my son, he didnt hurt him, he was just saying hi!!
i dont think i was in the wrong for leaving and came back that night and didnt talk to him for 3 days...this just happened last month....

so yes i have alot to think about!!and things like that i cant handle!!who could??he knows how much i love them and to hurt one right in formt of me on purpose is abuse!!
no matter how you look at it

 

Okay. Maybe it's time to do some pretty extensive thinking about 1) how you ended up with this guy and 2) learn to accept that what's done is done.

It sounds like you're still in the stacking up process where you're trying to convince yourself about everything bad about him because you're actually very emotionally attached. We cannot control our emotions, but we can convince ourselves. That you recognize some of his actions are wrong is the first step to removing yourself from this situation

But

I think it's only going to take time before the real last straw breaks the camel's back. I don't feel that it's happened yet with you; that's why you don't sound decisive nor have you started thinking realistically of a plan. Though I do know that at this rate, it will happen eventually and you'll know instinctively what to do.

I'm sorry I do not know your husband and there are different ways of looking at things. Likely he has his story too. Just continue to have your convictions and don't let others fool you into discrediting yourself. It is very very hard detaching from someone we have loved. Sometimes it takes a long long time before we realize we're only in love with a husk, or a shell or a memory, when people change. When the time comes, you will know.

 

this is gonna be short and simple

you are telling us you are very unhappy
not even a little confused you are coming across as extremely unhappy
you need to behappy for yourself
even more you have to be happy for your children
you are also a fixed sign in scorpio
fixed signs do not like to admit defeat ,they dont like to think they have made a mistake
its very clear from what you are saying that you have made a mistake in giving this guy your love ,he is abusing it ,and not giving you the love and respect you desrve back .
break it break it break it
there are many decent men that are capable of treating you right out there
and yes you will fall in love with them
there is no single person on this planet that is only for you
look at it this way
there are millions of women out there happy laughing in respectful realtionships that are surving without him perfectly ok
why not join them
they can survive without him so can you
sorry for being so brutal but it upsets me to read how unhappy you are

 

"you are also a fixed sign in scorpio
fixed signs do not like to admit defeat ,they dont like to think they have
sorry for being so brutal but it upsets me to read how unhappy you are "

Okay... can we please refraim from illogical thinking? this woman is in a crisis and weather you BELIEVE in astrology or not, do not make an unscientific corolation between celestial bodies and her personal attributes an actual talking point in a matter that is as important as a woman's marriage. That goes beyond irrisponsible and borders on vastly immoral.
Back to the matter of importance, I am disgusted beyond comprehension. I am biased, because I absolutely love animals, but that man making you stop with the sheltering animals and rescuing them? Getting jealus of them? Kicking one? Let's go down the list:
Good qualities
1)Works hard
Bad Qualities
1)Ignores you
2)Neglects the kids
3)Doesn't let you have a life
4)Kicks puppies
I say this with a new passion and conviction: Away with this scum bag.

 

you sound like a beautiful person. you dont deserve to suffer. so dont. if you divorce i think you might, depending on how he reacts, be able to have a better relationship with him in some ways. then he can work n go out when he likes, but can come and see the kids sometimes. and you can still care for him and be there for him. be brave.

 

Thanks to the last 3 posters I respect the fact that they were sincere and really made me think alot about what i have to do.

I did talk with him yesterday and to say i think i finally got through!!I told him unless his attitude changes NOW not when he feels like it, that i wanted him to move out for a while be seperated for a bit, if he dosent have what he takes advantage of, maybe than he can appreciate all i do for him to make him happy..
we talked for hrs, it was much needed!
Hes not moving out and realizes that his actions affect me and our kids!
he also needs to realize i am usually happy by myself, his actions are what make me sad and upset! I am not dependant on him for my happiness wich i think bugs him, but it should make him happy! Your suppost to love yourself first and your lover too, but is a plus to make your life happier, not utterly dependant on everything they do. I have had a very rough past way before i met him even, and found that out along time ago I hope my words actually got through and it was not an act!

I REALLY APPRECIATE EVERYONES HELP AND SUPPORT! It's comforting to know others care as well

blessings to you all

 

I am glad that things seem to be going better. Hopefully, you can keep the communication going. Good luck.

 

I think you should pull out the divorce card right now, but just to see how he reacts, i mean, maybe he inmediately tries to change and everything, soo, i think you should try that...

If you already did this threating "move", just divorce him, you're a nice woman, and practically raising your kids all alone, you really don't deserve this...

Kisses.