Alright now it is Astology Fun !

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A2: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
A3: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)

Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
A2: None: Taureans don't like to change anything.
A3: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs."
A2: Two (of course) but it will take all week and when they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French and shine any colour you want from it.
A3: Two, but the job never gets done --- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
A2: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
A3: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
A2: One: He holds the bulb, and the world spins around him.
A3: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.
A4: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
A2: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A3: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb ...

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?
A2: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
A3: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps ...

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None --- they'd rather sit in the dark.
A2: So who wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are you a cop?
A3: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
A2: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
A3: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.
A2: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
A3: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
A2: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
A3: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
A2: Huh? The light's out?
A3: None: only the inner light matters.

 

TERRIBLE thoughts about your Sign​

The signs of the Zodiac begin with Aries and end with Pisces. That is, they start out uptight and end up loose as a goose, they go from unbearably pushy and selfish to absurdly agreeable and generous, and range from fearless sheep to sheepish fish.

Aries is a sheep, I mean a Ram. Sheepishness is not in Aries' nature (see Pisces). Butting-headedness is. Sheep say Baahhh. Rams say Baaahhkkk OFF - and you'd better... those horns inflict pain! Every Aries is pushy and knows everything, and they always cut in line....stomp, stomp, trample, trample, get ahead, come in first - yep, just get out of the way, okay? Aries is ruled by Mars, god of "I Win, you Lose".

Taurus is a cow, I mean a Bull. Cows give milk, bulls don't give you anything but flaming nostrils and charging-headlong-into-you horns. They take whatever they want, whenever they want it - your food, your favorite chair, your time, your energy, your money, your stuff - it's all theirs. They just graze through life, eating everything in their paths. Selfish good for nothings! Taurus is ruled by Venus - goddess of stuff and money.

Gemini is a pair of twins, a schizophrenic whacko. Can't stick to one position for a minute, and they lie. Fickle, flighty and totally nuts. Don't go out with a Gemini unless you want to go insane. He loves me, he loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not. You'll never know the real answer. Gemini is ruled by Mercury - god of mind-tripping.

Cancer is a crab. That's all there is to it. Bitch, moan, complain, rag, perpetual PMS - man or woman. Once in a while, when the moon is just right, Cancer becomes a raving lunatic. That's the only relief you'll get from their insufferable whining. Nothing is good enough, nobody helps enough, you're not eating enough, blah blah blah. There's just no way to please them. The only solution is to put 'em in a pot and boil em. Cancer is ruled by spooky sister Moon and the wild, merciless tides.

Leo is a beast. Leos strut around like mister and misses perfects - just like your cat. I mean look at your cat - what is it good for? "Feed me, Look at my hair, look at my hair, Don't I look perfect? Pet me, adore me, play with me - now go away" - hiss, scratch. They don't do tricks, they won't do what you say, and they shed. That's about it. Leo is ruled by the Sun - Mr. Shiny himself.

Virgo is a virgin. Virgin's are no fun. They're squeaky clean, too pure, and very picky. Nobody and nothing is good enough for a Virgo. They stare at you with those penetrating eyes, making mental notes of all your weaknesses and imperfections. Then they pretend to be your friend and help you, snickering and laughing at you all the while. Don't trust them for a minute! Virgo is ruled by Mercury - god of hyper-analysis.

Libra is a pair of scales - way out of balance. They keep trying to get it right, but they never do. They add a little more to this side, a little more to that, until they're so loaded up with stuff that they need to hold a yard sale. But of course they won't, and they always want more. More love, more jewelry, more fun, more money, more beauty, more friends, blah blah blah.. Libra is ruled by Venus - goddess of tons of stuff and goodies.

Scorpio is a nasty, stinging scorpion, a venomous vermin, a sneaky, menacing creature of the dark. NEVER trust a Scorpio. Scorpios don't trust you, and they'll kill you in a heartbeat. If you treat them just right, they might make good pets - properly caged of course. Scorpio crawls about unseen, digging into your private thoughts and dreams and stealing them like a thief in the night. It's scary. Scorpio is ruled by Pluto - god of the atomic bomb.

Sagittarius is a cloddy, tromping, whinnying horse. Stay out of their way...most Sagittarians are the kind of horse with blinders on so they can't see on either side and don't know what they've run into. And they always say exactly the wrong thing, like, "hey - you look so much older and fatter than last time I saw you", or "what's that thing on your face?" It's not honesty, it's just plain cruel. Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, the original Mr. Know-it-all.

Capricorn is a goat. A nasty, billy goat. The kind that looks old and lecherous. They make their way up the mountain, sure, by any underhanded trick they can conjure! And they have curling horns, just like the devil! Capricorns will use you and abuse you to get what they want. They don't care if they have to eat garbage, or if it takes an eternity to get there. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn - father time, the one with the scythe.

Aquarius is a wild, space-cadet water-boy (or girl). Aquarians are completely irresponsible. They have one rule - if it feels good, do it. Aquarians make intricate, ingenious plans, then break them without a second thought. They tell you one thing, then let some wild-haired idea take them off to timbuktu. Don't even try hanging onto an Aquarian, they're wet, slippery, insane people. Aquarius is ruled by Uranus - god of lightning, electricity and bikers.

Pisces is a fish. Well actually, two fishes swimming in opposite directions - always lost. Pisces live in fear because they know that dangerous fish-eaters lurk everywhere.... Just look at how they dart around, confused and disoriented, Pisces can't stay on track for two seconds, and if you throw out some tasty bait - bang, the Pisces is there in a second, ready to snag your hook. Easy pickins those Pisces (kinda like sheep). Pisces is ruled by Neptune - god of peace, love and spaciness.

 

Your Astrological Love Compatibility Report​

A brief look into the life of an Aries female living with an Aries male
When two competitive egos collide, things are not good. A quiet night on the sofa will soon turn in to Armageddon when they start fighting over the TV remote control because he wants to watch the late night filth on Bravo and she wants to watch 'Sex and the City'. This is usually temporarily settled by the Aries female who will often threaten to ram the remote control up his rear end and tell him to sleep on the couch until he can learn to be nice to her. This kind of relationship is like TNT - highly unstable and explosive and is more likely to end over something stupid like a game of cards, rather then infidelity (not that she would tolerate that sort of thing). All men should learn one thing: NEVER mess with an Aries female!

Horn Meter Reading: 1/5 Hearts
Rating: Death Horn!
Verdict: Entering this relationship will be like trying to french-kiss a spitting cobra - extremely dangerous! However if you are confident that you can do it then I wish you the best of luck

a Taurus female living with an Aries male This is a slow moving relationship, but can work surprisingly well. The Taurean female needs to understand to move on with things and be more exciting for the Aries male. Repeating the same jokes which, are as old as the dead-sea scrolls, will bore him, and he will only respond with the usual outburst of "Yes I DO remember the time when you got drunk and set fire to my pants! Now PLEASE say something different for once!". The Aries male should be more sympathetic when it comes to her love for buying luxury items like expensive shoes. He should not keep telling her that one pair is enough, just because a single pair is good enough for him, as she will hate being restricted from luxury. One day he might wake up to find poisonous vipers in his underwear drawer, so he should be careful with what he says to her.


Horn Meter Reading: 4/5 Hearts
Rating: Bull Horn
Verdict: This should be an interesting relationship. There are a few minor flaws, squeals and squabbles, but at the end of the day, you wouldn't throw away a Ferrari if it had a dent in it now, would you?

 

these are great! very funny.

kinda sounds like they think pisces have drinking problems!

yes, right on with Taurus & also scorpio!

aries, too! and leo!

 

Guess for fun purpose, they were little harsh with Pisces & Virgo, just to their confidence that a pisces is too kind and always forgives, which is true.

 

All men should learn one thing: NEVER mess with an Aries female! <--- :sweatdrop

Horn Meter Reading: 1/5 Hearts
Rating: Death Horn! <----------------- :lol:
Verdict: Entering this relationship will be like trying to french-kiss a spitting cobra - extremely dangerous! However if you are confident that you can do it then I wish you the best of luck


Those are my sisters lol, the amazon worriers, Very frighting indeed, I love my fellow Aries females.



Ps. All have one Breast only (the left one) ), Some of their names:

Androdameia
Androdameia was an Amazon who fought in the Attic War. Her name means, "Subduer of Men."

Andromache
Andromache was an Amazon Queen. Her name means, "Man Fighter."

Those ladies are nusty, and go for certain places in Man's Body :&

 

well we should forgive!

but don't forget, I have a scorpio moon :reddevil:

 

Why me !!! - me friend - me Admirer :uhoh2:

ha ha ha - No No dear Pisces - do not be crule - be :Angel:

 

Astrological Sign/Frequency of Masturbation:​

http://home.comcast.net/~lovepredictions/results.html

Most HornyAstrological Sign

Gold Medal: Aries Males, Capricorn Females

Silver: Pisces Males. Taurus Women (Tie), Scorpio Women (Tie)

Bronze: Virgo Males, Sagittarius Females


Least HornyAstrological Sign

Gold: Gemini Males, Sagittarius Females.

Silver: Aquarius Males, Leo Women.

Bronze: Capricorn Males, Capricorn Females .


More than once a day

Males: Aries males won out over any other sign in this frequency with 42.11% admitting they masturbated more than once a day. Pisces was a close second however with 40.23% percent. Males whose sign is Cancer were the least likely to masturbate more than once a day (6.72%) followed by Gemini (7.34%).

Females: Capricorn women were the horniest of all the female signs winning in this category with 15.38% saying they masturbated more than once a day. Taurus women and Scorpio women tied as runner-ups as both have 11.63%. Least likely to masturbate more than once a day were Gemini women (2.22%) followed by Aquarius women (2.56%).

Once a day

Males: Leo received the gold medal for this category with almost three quarters (73.33%) saying they masturbated once a day. Scorpio men received the silver medal with 69.31% and the copper medal went to Cancer males (63.03%). Least likely to masturbate once a day for the males were Virgos (27.48%).

Females: Cancer women won in the once a day category with just over a third (36.36%) admitting to this frequency. Aquarius women were a close second (35.90%) and third place went to Taurus women (30.23%). Capricorn women were the least likely to masturbate once a day (20.51%) perhaps because they were too busy doing it multiple times a day.

A few times a week

Males: Gemini men were the most likely over any other sign for males to masturbate a few times a week (55.56%). Aquarius men received second place with 43.59% followed by Capricorn with 39.58%. Leo males were least likely to masturbate a few times a week with only 7.62% saying they did.

Females: A little over half (55.56%) of all Gemini women said they masturbated a few times a week so they took first place. 52.63% of Pisces women masturbated a few times a week winning them second place, but Virgo women were so close it was almost a tie with 52.27%. Women who said they were Cancers were the least likely to choose this category (30.30%).

Once a week

Males: N/A

Females: Capricorn women were the most likely to masturbate once a week (15.38%) over any other sign (but also the horniest if you remember with first place in more than once a day). Scorpio women were next in line with 13.95% and Leo women too third place with 13.51%. Sagittarian women won over any other sign in least likely with just 2.08% saying they masturbate once a week.

A few times a month

Males: N/A

Females: Libra women win with 14.71% saying they masturbate a few times a month. Aquarius women were second (10.26%) and Aries women were third (9.62%). Virgo women were least likely to masturbate a few times a month (2.27%).

A few times a year

Males: N/A

Females: Sagittarius women were the most likely to masturbate a few times a year (6.25%). Leo's were the next most likely in this category with 5.41% followed by Capricorn women (5.13%). 2.22% snags Gemini the gold medal in the least likely to masturbate a few times a year.

Who expected Capricorn Females to be that horny - Wow

 

just jokin' with you dear friend.

I'm reading the info right now ... but am so curious, etc. it is amazing what is written.

I'm going to try to get scorpio's exact time of birth as well as mine. does that change anything, as some things are not correct at all ... but most are.

what do you think, Mr. Aires? If I get both our correct times of birth, will that help?

I must say it is fun getting to know you through your posts. you are a character! ~~> in the most positive way!

did you read the charts or just do them & send?

I must read up more on Aires!

 

Best & Worst Drivers​

Worst to Best:

#1 Gemini
#2 Taurus
#3 Pisces
#4 Virgo
#5 Cancer
#6 Aquarius
#7 Aries
#8 Libra
#9 Leo
#10 Sagittarius
#11 Scorpio
#12 Capricorn


The number one worst drivers were Geminis, "typically described as restless, easily bored and frustrated by things moving slowly," explained Warren Duke, Suncorp's national manager of personal insurance. "They had more car accidents than any other sign."

No astrologer would argue with that description of the sign of the Twins and probably this isn't very surprising news. But who's the best?


• And the Winners Are...Capricorns

Capricorns. Duke says, "Capricornians [ sic ], who came last on the list, [are] typically described as patient and careful."

No argument with that from the professional astrologer. It's no surprise Caps are the safest behind the wheel. They're the safest at everything! Their patience and sense of responsibility are legendary.

• Bad Bulls

Yes, Taureans can be obstinate and inflexible, but they are also the most introverted and self absorbed of all the signs. Their natural path in life is to think about their own body - its immediate comfort and needs - and to deal with only the most tangible and immediate of realities.

At a very fundamental level, the world outside may not exist at all.

• Dream On Pisces

Pisceans are the gentle dreamers of the zodiac. They may spend many hours a day in fantasy worlds, escaping the painful realities of life on the physical plane and, more often than not, the pain of being in a physical body.

This detachment from the physical can lead to unconscious feelings of invulnerability or invincibility. If you are momentarily deluded into thinking you don't have physical limits, and that your life is but a fleeting moment in the eternal life of the soul, you can respond to situations of physical danger in illogical ways. Or, at the very least, be slow on the uptake.

• Safe Sagittarius

Sagittarians may stay safe in their cars the same way they do in life, by having superbly developed higher minds. Another name for this mind is intuition. The highly developed sense of flow and good timing characteristic of Sagittarians is what makes them the lucky sign. Furthermore, their minds are right at home dealing with traffic patterns, flow and spatial relations.

• Intuitive Scorpios

Scorpios, on the other hand, may stay safe because they are intimately involved with the inner lives of others in the same way their opposite sign Taurus is defended against this information. Scorpios are sensitive to energy - whether it is a foot away or thousands of miles away-and can feel someone " coming up from behind " at many different levels. Scorpios know if you've had a fight with your wife the night before or if you're thinking about embezzling or having an affair with your best friend's husband. That's why we always feel like they can see right through us. They can.

 

I was worried a little Noooo ! Was also joking.

Guess the time is important for the Ascendent & the Moon which are very important specially the Asendent, and think you should try to get them, once you have them will be more than willing to do it.

Not all of what astrology says is correct all times about all people of course, it is just a drop in sea of million factors that can affect our characters, and reactions.

Take me for example, being supermly extraoridinary excellent in every thing and better than every body ever existed, does not mean that all Aries are like that of course joking, we like to joke with things like that, but somehow people takes it seriously.

Reading the reports, well to be honest mostly not unless requested to, or it is very interesting perosn(s).

Your Elements lol are interesting:

Cancer Strong
Scorpio Strong
Pisces Strong

Wow - That's a lot emotions and hell of Femininty.

Venus & Mars - oh yeahhhhhh.

Bye

 

Aries

Daily Hororscope:Your desire for friendship grows stronger. Buy a horse, call him “Rubber Stanley” and feed him on chimp bones. You will be rewarded with menthol flavoured buckets. Use them to knock out meteors and avoid angry badger attacks. Get a tattoo of a tapeworm on your ass to ward off pygmy mandrills.

Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:Ain't no time to be messin' around with fools! Just think of all the glory you can have when you eat turnips which have been roasted on a real fire, and not some crazy BBQ created by some sorry suckas!

Monthly Love Horoscope:Try to take criticism constructively rather than personally. If your lover makes a remark about the cheesy smell coming from your toenails, then you may need to consider getting your chin waxed with turnip resin.

Personality: You are the kind of person who loves anything made from plastic and your short temper means that you would not hesitate to bite off your opponent's genitals in a fight, even if it was your own Mother. Your ability to be a clown sets you aside from the rest and people often point at you in the street and say "There's that person who steals turnips". Your sense of humour and razor sharp wit is loved by all creatures great and small including badgers and small molluscs.

Career: The ideal career for you would be shaving monkey's chins. In the poorer third-world countries, Aries are often employed by mandrills to shave their chins and punch them in the nipples. This sort of behaviour gives the monkey a high and is considered a type of vice by Western society as it is punishable by being tied to a metal pole and beaten by old war veterans armed with cricket bats. Try a safer type of client for this, such lawyers or judges.

Love: Your usual method of attracting a potential mate involves stuffing a pumpkin up your top, going into a bar, bopping people over the head with a rubber truncheon and shouting "Stay away from my chicken bone collection you ugly trumpets!" The thing people find most appealing about you is the 2000 rats that follow you around and worship you as their Goddess. Without them you would not be able to generate the 'horn pheromones' you often spray at passing midgets.

 

Taurus

Your Daily Horoscope:A friend may come round and pour a bucket of moths into your letterbox. Clementines are in season and are extremely lucky for you. Buy a crate of them and use them as jewellery and moth balls. Make sure you have a good aim before you throw them at moths, as some of them have laser beams surgically fitted to their genitals.

Your Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:Them suckas you call friends are tryin' hard to torment you and make you look like some crazy fool. But you ain't no damn fool so learn to be a man and stand up for yo'self!

Your Monthly Love Horoscope:You could be forgiven for thinking you have dynamite in your teeth which could potentially go off the next time you try to kiss someone. Take pleasure in knowing your breath smells of cat food.

Personality: You enjoy all the attention from the locals and are well known for your ability to spontaneously combust whenever faced with a crisis or dilemma involving beetles or calcium. If you do not get your way, you sulk and, climb the nearest tree, where you pretend to be a howler monkey and insist on having food delivered up there, and the local takeaways usually co-operate just to prevent you from getting angry and urinating on innocent passers by.

Career: Taurus's are often employed by the military to run out into battlefields and jam enemy radar. It's a well known fact that anyone born under this sign has a bizarre combination of metallic elements inside them which, can actually jam radar signals. This has been proven to be useful in many military scenarios and was extremely successful with the Royal Air Force during the latter days of the Battle of Britain (Oct 1940). Most Taurus's are not allowed to live within 5 miles of an airport.

Love: A true romantic! You love to woo and be wooed, however unconventional your methods may be. Your preferred method is to burn some chilli and throw it into a bar or a restaurant. As soon as people come running outside, gasping for air, that's when you strike. As soon as you see a potential mate, you rip off your top, stuff tennis balls in your mouth, unleash a high-pitched war cry and chase them for miles, through streets, bars, shopping malls, etc, trying to get them to French-kiss you.

 

Gemini

Your Daily Horoscope:You are short of money - again! You could always build a hovercraft from orange peel and use it to take over the world by demanding money from anyone who accidentally looks at snails. A good substitute for cheesecake is ground-up pencils. Not many people know that but, then again not many people are trollops.

Your Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:Its time for pain sucka! Its time you let out all yo' anger and stopped actin' like such a pussy! Grrrrr it makes me mad when people act like fools!

Your Monthly Love Horoscope:You may find it a challenge to ignore any personal jokes fired by your lover. Just be patient and be grateful for your amazing ability to throw bananas at pigeons whilst yelling curse words.

Personality: Your intellectual, chatty nature means that you love to dress like a chicken and run around the high street, kicking people over and setting fire to anybody wearing the colour blue. If you are ever faced with a challenge, then your immediate reaction is to do the splits and unleash an almighty fart at the same time. This doesn't cure the problem, but makes you glow blue which often confuses humans and mice alike. Geminis often draw pictures of fairies on their butts to attract demons.

Career: Your intellectual nature makes you an excellent candidate for any job related to forensic analysis. Its been recently revealed that New Scotland Yard in London employ Geminis for interrogation purposes. If a suspect claims he is innocent, a Gemini will be called in and the suspect will be asked to drop his pants and do a guff. A Gemini can tell from the smell whether or not he is guilty. A Gemini female can also use this method to tell if a man has been cheating on her.

Love: Your glowing genitals often attract flies, but that's not really a concern when they sometimes attract gnomes and elves who are normally very picky about who they pair-up with. You are extremely attracted to gnomes and can often be found dressed like an elephant seal, hanging around chemists and computer games shops trying to dry hump the legs of the poor local gnomes and elves. Your ideal mate would be a tall-midget, as they are the only people who can tolerate sulphuric acid.

 

Cancer

Your Daily Horoscope:Rummage through your hair this week and you will find some surprise love letters from the lovely bacteria that live on your head. They have taken a fancy to you and want to date you. Be careful with regard to your choice as some of them may be trained to morph into giant cockroaches and steal all your lightbulbs from your house.

Your Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:Wrap an onion around a friend's head and see how they like being made a fool out of! Grrrr I hate it when suckas try to talk their way outta things with mindless jibba jabba!

Your Monthly Love Horoscope:Your profession is constantly tugging at your eyebrows and dragging you in unwanted directions. The next time you go out on a date, try not to use the phrase "lime flavoured hole". It gives the wrong impression.

Personality: You have the ability to conduct lightning and generate plasma. This is often useful during emotional arguments where you will whip off your top and shoot sparks and plasma from your nipples at your opponent. Your emotional 'nitroglycerin' type nature however, can get the better of you, as you will realise if you are ever involved in a name-calling match. You tend to hide the extra breast on your forehead with extra layers of foundation, just to stop people from laughing at you.

Career: Due to your electro-conductive properties and your ability to generate high voltages, you can easily get a job as a power backup unit in various places which need them like NHS intensive care units, KFC and chocolate factories. Being able to shoot sparks from your nipples means that you can also be employed in steel mills to help start the fires in the smelting kilns, although beware, these places are usually run by testosterone drenched men who will probably ogle at you.

Love: You find it easy to get a mate, due to your extremely large and pointy chin which also serves as a weapon in case you are ever mauled by a pack of ill tempered chimps armed with sticks. You do not have the ability to produce pheromones, so you steal them from bearded mandrills and paste them on your face and body. This does have its share of bad side effects and can often backfire as, it causes extreme rashes and pictures of mutant hamsters to burn into your retina.

 

Leo

Your Daily Horoscope:Find out what your friends are really saying about you, behind your back, by disguising yourself as wallpaper and gluing yourself to their bedroom wall. If they are the ones who are spreading those rumours about you dating plankton, then you can jump out at them and force feed them with gooseberries. Be careful you don't turn into a big ball of steel wool.

Your Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:You fantasize about being covered in maple syrup and kicked up the ass in public. I pity the fool who wastes too much time thinkin' about mindless jibba-jabba!

Your Monthly LOVe Horoscope:Your thirst for attention will be rather fuzzy. Using a squid to mop your kitchen floor could prove useful if you planning dinner with your loved one. Just don’t expect them to dance and poke you in the eye with a plastic moth.

Personality: You are a born ruler as you often like to sit around the house while others serve you toasted pixies on a stick with several glasses of lithium wine. You often like to pretend you are a cat when nobody is looking. You make good use of the cat-flap and love to mark your territory around the neighbourhood by rubbing your scent glands against walls and urinating on the lampposts. However, you always manage to run away, before you are chased by police officers armed with shotguns.

Career: Your ruling abilities enable you to excel in skills like painting turnips pretty colours, flower arranging for squid weddings, and causing others to rock backwards and forwards in a wheelchair. An ideal job for you would be something creative yet challenging, such as building robot wenches from old pinball machine parts, a snake charmer or even a make-up artist for maggots, fireflies and worms, before they go on live television. (Yes even they need to look good!)

Love: Getting a mate is not really an issue for you. Its getting one to stay with you for more then 5 minutes that's the problem. Next time you meet someone in a bar, try to avoid ramming your shoes up their nostrils, calling them "Mr Blobby" and running away giggling. This will give them mixed messages and they will think you are trying to sell them drugs. Instead, tattoo a picture of a squirrel on your tummy and flash it at them while firing laser beams from your eyes. It works wonders!

 

Virgo

Your Daily Horoscope:A more social attitude would be ideal for you. Ask your Uncle if he has any underpants you can borrow to help attract aliens with. When he calls you a “Baboon” and chases you with an axe, play the spoons on your forehead whilst doing the Macarena. This will calm him down and he will give you his underpants and say the word, “Pimple” 20 times.

Your Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:Now would be a good time to get a good plan together and make it happen, whether its yo' career or your life. There's too many suckas out there who can't get a good plan together.

Your Monthly Love Horoscope:Your recent slip of the tongue may have offended your love but you can claim them back without covering them in mucus and wolf-whistling. Wearing plastic udders and sneezing at clocks will work just as well.

Personality: You are a perfectionist which means that you can successfully grow a moustache on your chin and use it to flag down taxis and buses. All Virgos smell faintly of parsnips which, attracts and excites hordes of potential mates like Geminis, Libras, other Virgos, Scorpios, and small toothless goblins. You are a worrier, and will sit up all night thinking about pointless things such as why cats cannot fly, and why whales live and breed inside your underwear.

Career: You would have thought that with an analytical nature like yours, you would have made an excellent stock market analyst or a detective. However when it comes to careers, do you know what the best job for a Virgo is? Moose farmer. Strange as it may sound, all moose's have a soft spot for Virgos and will obey their every command like they some sort of alpha leader. However, if the moose ever asks you out on a date then don't accept as they are notorious for standing people up.

Love: You are the sort who tries to attract a mate by smothering yourself in horse manure and fist-fighting men in a gay bar. This is a common misconception and will only attract baboons and head lice. You are extremely sensitive to touch and will often shrivel up into a ball of burnt cinnamon as soon as someone touches your hand or calls you "Thumbelina". You need to relax a little and stop being so defensive when someone tells you not to flash your chin at homeless people.

 

Libra

Your Daily Horoscope:Stay focused no matter what happens. Chimpanzees may poke you with a stick and call you a "Gooseberry" but this should not put you off your goals. Your ideal aim in life is to sneak into a farm and spray paint the words "I Love Mushrooms" on a horse's ass. Your hair may glow blue from doing this but be patient and your socks will turn to latex.

Your Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:The pigeon that flew out of yo' ass last week was just a messenger sent by that fool Murdoch! Don't be tellin' lies to no chimpanzees cos they hate flyin' too!

Your Monthly Love Horoscope:You are secretly hoping for someone new to sweep you off your feet but it just won’t happen unless you draw pictures of Mickey Mouse on a grapefruit and roll it down the street whilst shouting, “I am a skank who stuffs tennis balls up my nose”.

Personality: Libras can often be found in supermarkets rummaging and digging around the grocery section, sniffing out truffles and silkworms with their hyper-sensitive noses. It's mainly due to this reason, why most Libras always have a cold and are always sneezing and coughing up wads of gunpowder and sesame seeds (which are manufactured in their stomachs exclusively for the military). When threatened, you will immediately cover yourself in dog poop, in order to ward of evil omens.

Career: Ever seen a greyhound race? Have you seen those little stuffed rabbits they chase on the track? Well that's no rabbit, its actually a Libran disguised as a rabbit. Greyhounds despise Librans, and will chase one and rip them to shred whenever possible. This is why Librans disguised as rabbits are employed on racetracks and are dragged along by their hair at 50mph while several greyhounds chase them. The rabbit disguise is there to prevent human rights activists from interfering.

Love: You will be extremely content if you find someone who is willing to dress up as a penguin every night and mock the shape and colour of your spleen. This kind of behaviour gives you the horn and sends you in a frenzy of energy, which often results in you phoning up the fire brigade with false emergencies, just so you can hump a fire fighter's leg when they arrive. When you are not doing any community service, your usual 'singles' hangouts are places like zoos.

 

Scorpio

Your Daily Horoscope:Eat plenty of mothballs this week and you will urinate bananas! Aim them at traffic wardens and road cones and you will be applauded by thousands of mice who will squeak in harmony and paint pictures of your chin on every street corner. Another thing you should be aware of is your Mother in-law. Divert her attention by disguising yourself as an ostrich.

Your Weekly Mr. T Horoscope:You seem to think its a good idea to staple vampire bats to grapefruits, but let me tell you somethin'. A fool is one who can control his mind until he is forced to talk jibba-jabba!

Your Monthly Love Horoscope:Your abilities to woo members of the opposite sex have been heightened due to the recent full moon. You can sweeten your communication even further by ramming a live weasel up your left nostril and sneezing it out. Repeat every hour.

Personality: You are known for your amazing abilities to make homeless people rapidly tap-dance for you, against their will by, simply fluttering your eyelids at them and calling them 'Jim'. Due to this, you are respected by lawyers, judges and the infamous King of beggars himself, who often sends you a bottle of glue as a gift, every year, in return for making him tap-dance. All Scorpios will scream, turn to ashes and crumble if they ever date goats, so avoid them at all costs!

Career: Scorpios, like yourself, tend to be attracted to careers like horsefly racing. This is something which only a Scorpios can handle as it takes a lot of skills, patience and nostril hairs to jockey a horsefly and win a race. Horseflies can be a pain to train and, bring up right, because of their incessant need to dress like Sean Connery and roll around the floor screaming. Even the Queen has a pair of royal horseflies which are used to drag her carriage during emergencies.

Love: As a jealous and possessive person, you will always try and restrain your partner by jamming a fork into his glands to prevent him from producing any attraction pheromones, just in case there are any horny hermaphrodites nearby. You are extremely jealous of hermaphrodites and will do anything to prevent them from coming near your partner. Your most common method of distraction involves ripping out hairs from your armpits and then throwing them at your enemy.