Really Need Some Advice - espeically from women

I've been with my gf for 7 years now, we started going out at 17 when in school and stayed together through university. I've already detailed many of our recent problems here:

http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=184660&page=1&pp=10

Since that time we decided to go to professional sexual therapy. We've been going for about 6 or 7 weeks now and the pace is VERY VERY slow. All sex has been banned and we're working on things like touching each other. This week was the first week when we've reached the stage of touching each other in private regions.

We had our first session earlier this evening, I'd set everything up - candles, music etc. but before we started she wanted to go over a few details stressing that "this is still not sexual but sensual" and also that she wanted to reduce the types of touching we do to just once this night to "ease us in". This threw me because I didn't expect to go over any details, we'd never gone over details when private parts weren't involved - so why now? I don't know why exactly, but this left me feeling devestated, as if she is absolutely petrified of me touching her down there and I couldn't really hide it - we did the exercise but I deliberately avoided touching her vagina and got it over with quickly. Afterwards we inevitably had an argument as she could tell I wasn't happy. During this she accused me of being selfish and not understanding.

Now she's in bed and all I can think about is cancelling this therapy and leaving her. I don't think I've been selfish at all - how in god's name am I meant to touch someone who seems petrified of me? How is it selfish to not be ok with that? I'd just like to know, especially from a female perspective, if I have been selfish.

I am very worried at the momet - I'm not taking this therapy well. I am not meant to be resentful but I can't help feeling it. I also can't help feeling that I'm having to spend a lot of money, wait a ridiculously long time and put up with a hell of a lot in between - just to do something that should be easy. It's almost impossible for me to believe that this is a problem she has in general - I am convinced that if we were to split up and she was to meet someone tomorrow that she'd have no problems at all with sex, being touched etc. I am rapidly losing faith with the therapy, but if the therapy doesn't work I can see no future at all for our relationship. If anyone has any words they could offer on this, I'd be grateful.

 

why "faithfully" spend the money on the girl if all shes doing is backing down on ya shes treatin ya like dirt. If it was the other way around. And that was happening shit would hit hte ceiling. Watch you don't get your felings hurt because she'll walk all over you. Theres better chiks in the sea.. that will be glad to interact and socialize with you rather than just stab you in the back. Sex as well. You have to remember that sex isn't the only thing in the world eh dude .... But i understand where ya coming from. Keep the window half open and keep your eye out for her esp. For what she says because if she says (does) things and than tries to trap you into doing something there might be some false aligations. Just IMO.


PG

 

I have no idea if you're being selfish.

You both had an assignment, you did it, and that was it. Whether or not you're actually selfish, I think you would have to post a whole history of your relationship with her (and I doubt people would read seven years' worth. lol.)

To have warranted therapy in the first place means that something went very wrong at some point in your relationship. For something to be fixed, it has to be broken.

It sounds like either you or someone else has hurt her in the past and she hasn't gotten over it, and neither is she ready to let you touch her. Am I way off? Is she justified in being terrified of you touching her?

It also sounds like there's just a lot of love gone (from you anyway). You're both in the relationship together, and in therapy together. I'm very confused why you're getting impatient with her if she's seriously afraid of you, and to be honest I'm more suspicious of what might have transpired before the therapy and what role you played. You're not telling us the whole story (nor should you have to). These are just my thoughts. I hope you come to a decision that works in the end.

 

She sounds like she's been hurt or abused in the past to me... usually people aren't that anti-sex unless there's been some damage first.

Maybe try and get her into individual counselling so she can work this out - without you necessarily being a spectator

 

Move on man, sounds like you both need a change of perspective.

 

Agreed, she needs to work through her issues whatever the fuck they may be. You seem to have really tried, time to move on. I get really hacked off when people have 'issues' and affect their partners with these, unfairly.

"Pull yourself together man", is what I would say to her if she were here!!

 

If you can't stand to take years to gain a little progress at a time you should probably just leave. It doesn't sound like her problems with sex are just going to go away over night with therapy or anything else. It doesn't seem like you have been unwilling to work on the problems but you have to decide where your limit is. It sounds like you need someone much opener about sex to be happy. Thats not your fault or her fault, you are just not compatable there.

 

From a womans perspective I dont know if you are being selfish, and without knowing what happened in your relationship it is impossible to answer. If your sex life used to be normal and then she became terrified of you something happened. There are several possibilities why this could happen such as 1.) she has lost her sex drive 2.) she has lost interest in you physically and possibly feels guilty 3.)at some point you made her uncomfortable. The reasons vary, and there are numerous possibilities. I am not saying "its your fault" because I have no idea if it is or not. I was just tossing out a couple ideas.

I would suggest that both of you seek regular therapy. Your sex life tends to be an indication of what is going on outside the bedroom. Going to a sex therapist when there are relationship issues is like eating dessert before dinner, you missed a step.
The counseling will only work if you want it to, it is not a magical cure all. If you don't like where your therapist is going fine another one.

You are in a sticky situation, you can stay for the love and hope for the sex, or you can leave. Neither of which are appealing. It is up to both of you to make things work, or one of you could end it and move on.

Good luck!