First of all, I'd like to point out that I am a bisexual woman. I have gotten a lot of grief for my sexuality, anywhere from "eww sick" to "dont hit on me, Im straight" to "pick side". Its been very hard for me, being bisexual, but I'm not going to STOP bein bisexual because someone thinks I should. I just AM. I love men AND women and prefer a certain type of women. But, I met my ( now ex for other reasons) fiance a little over two years ago. Within 5 minutes of being at his house, I started vibing something weird. I asked him if he was gay. he said no. I asked him if he was bisexual. He said no. His roomate came in a few minutes later and - he was gay. No ifs, ands or buts about it, he was gay. Being bisexual ( and I lean more towards women) makes it easy for me to see one of my fellows, so to speak. My then fiance denied anything. After 10 months, he moved in with me. His best friend ( who was the roomate) started dropping hints to me that my fiance was not straight. And then, he rushed out with the news and told me that him and my fiance had a sexual relationship for 3 years. I confronted my fiance and he denied it, big time. But, the damage was already done- his roomate knew intimate details, down to what my fiance said in bed, and the way his penis was bent to one side, etc. I knew in my heart AND head that my fiance was lying to me. This broke up my fiance and his best friend. My fiance wanted NOTHING to do with him at all and consistently called him a liar. His best friend came down here crying and said " I made it all up, he's straight, but Im not". Well, in SEptember, my fiance cheated on me with a female. I broke off the engagement and kicked him out. He started getting counseling and doing EVERYTHING and I mean everything to get me back. I kept ignoring him. Finally, this past week- I told him if he didnt stop contacting me, he was going to end up with a restraining order. Well, instead of him not contacting me, he emailed me back with a whole bunch of truths that he never told me. ( I didnt break up with him cause he cheated, I broke up cause he kept lying about it and switching his story). he said he was telling his therapist how much he lied, and how he has lived in this big fantasy world and cant keep lying. (We're talking COMPULSIVE liar here). Well, so he admitted a whole bunch of stuff he lied about. And finally, I picked up the phone and called him and told him how proud I was that he was finally realizing he had a problem. ( He does, trust me, with lying). During th conversation, I asked him if he had had sex with his bf like his bf said he did. He sighed and said "yes". What he told me was IDENTICAL to what his best friend told me- but that I never mentioned to my fiance. The story is: when his best friend's father died ( my ex fiance was like 21 when this happened), his best friend was a mess and didn't know HIS sexuality and asked my fiance to let him blow him. he said no. But bf kept begging and my fiance finally caved and said ok. After that, my fiance found himself in tight spots time and time again and at times, would have to live with his gay bf-roomate. He said each and every time, he would practically beg him to let him blow him. he said sometiems he would say yes, sometimes no, but that he would always tell him straight to his face that he is straight. He also admitted to me that he gave anal sex to his bf by laying on the floor keeping his eyes closed with a condom on. Him and his bf BOTH told me that my fiance could NOT nor would he give a blow job- that it gagged him. He wouldnt kiss his gay bf and on one occassion almost puked, and he never let him have anal sex with him. It was just my fiance letting this man give him oral, or my fiance giving HIM anal sex. I asked myf iance if he liked it. He said no. I asked him why 3 and a half years if he didn't like it. He said he would be made to feel guilty, or that he would lose his friend if he didn't. His best friend, btw was and still is "in the closet" but not to a select few people. I asked my fiance if he masterbates to men and he said no. He maintained, as did his roomate, that he likes women 100 percent. HOWEVER, my fiance also lets me "play" with him- im sure you could figure out what I mean. He told me he didn't want me to think he was gay if he let me do that. I just had to see if he WOULD let me do that. This was before he admitted this stuff to me. My fiance is NOT masculine. He keeps his nails clean, doesnt bite them, and just is overly sensitive and emotional. I have told him before it feels like I am with a woman, not a man- and it feels like him and I have had to compete for the spotlight. I feel he is using me because I am bisexual but more on the butch side. In other words, I am more manly than my fiance- I can also tune your engine if you want. Look, I have 3 kids here. This man not only lied to me, but he cheated on me AND did NOT give me the choice of being with someone KNOWINGLY who had been with men or not. I asked my fiance how he knows for damn sure he is not gay/bi and he said because he has never looked at a man in his life and lusted one. Ok, then WHY be sexually active with one for 3 and a half years? He said it wasn't all the time- and sometimes, there were gaps of time in between like a month, four months, six, etc. I also know for a FACT that ALL activity stopped 10 months before he met me and he has had NO further man to man contact at all... so for almost 3 years. Even his gay bf told me that the last time my fiance moved in, he told him ( my fiance told the roomate)to his face "im not doing any of that stuff, I am not gay, I am straight, so don't ask). My fiance says he NEVER approached his bf for any type of sex at any time. My fiance IS a very very very very very shy person and VERY influential into doing things. But for 3 and a half years? My fiance wants to come home, work things out. I dont know if I can be intimate with him anymore, NOT because of this,but because truly? I don't want left when he decides that he is in fact, gay. Any thoughts on this? Help?
I do not know everything about what makes one bisexual or gay but if he has had sex with another man, I would say he is at least bisexual. I know men who like to recieve bj from other men because their wife/gf will not participate in that particular act of sex. Just because he acts feminine does not make him gay but he needs to face the fact that he had sex with other man for three years. He may need to get help to understand his sexual preference. If he was able to have sex with another man regardless if he was giving (anal sex) or recieving (oral sex), he must have enjoyed it or he would not have been able to perform so to speak. The two of you could consider couples counceling if you are interested in making it work with him. However, he needs to know what he will do if you should decide to see other women while in the relationship unless you both will remain true to each other only. There are a lot of issues to be resolved here. Good Luck to You!
. Your fiance may be metro, but I doubt that he's gay. Sex is different for men. Men can be more promiscuous, basically because they don't always attach emotion to a sexual act. (jail house sex) I mean, alot of men are unable to attach a deep emotion to anything until they're in their thirties. Probably for your fiance it was like masturbating but instead of his hand it was his roommates mouth. And there seems to be the obvious financial incentive of the roommate situation, as well. So, at worst he lied about being a whore. And if you had been a whore once perhaps you would have lied about that too. Sounds like the roomie was freaked about losing his fuck buddy (your fience) and I don't know why he wouldn't be. Even though it sound's like your fiance was little more than a blow-up doll. I guess I'd want to go to counseling for that, too. Now, your fience's seeking counseling. Probably more so because he's straight and had gay sex than to make things right for you. "HOWEVER, my fiance also lets me 'play' with him." That's so cool. You 'play' with him. I know exactly what you mean. And more girls should! Because then their boyfriends would be less likely to try gay. You know in the 19th century it was a 'sin' to have sex any way but the missionary position. Now, in the 21st century it's a 'sin' for a man to digit himself, or even for his girlfriend to do it. (Believe me girls, it feels a hell of a lot different for a man to stimulate his prostate than it does for a woman to stimulate her rectal cavity.) So, your generaly-straight-dude-x-fiance has found out what millions of gay men have found out -it feels fantastic to have a finger up your ass. Big deal. (I mean, it realy is.) If I were you, I'd be more worried about the lies. I think I understand why your fiance lied about having sex with his roomie, but he has to know now that lying was a dumb idea. But that doesn't mean he's an inveterate lier. I suggest you go to his same counselor on your own and talk about the issues you now have with trust and honesty. After that perhaps you two can have a joint session, like marriage concealing. As a bisexual woman, you should be able to not only understand his flirtation with gay sex, but you should be able to be supportive without freaking out that he will become gay one day. And as his friend, he deserves that from you. Lastly, he has a right to title himself any way he damn well pleases. Whether be Gay, Straight, Bi, Blue or Pan, or Omni. And he has a right to change his mind at a later date about how he titles himself. That's my philosphy. If you need someone to commit to a "title" and because your fience is unwilling to do that, or you don't agree with his definition of that title (ie in your definition is that a 'straight' man can not have 'gay' sex), then I suggest you look for another lover, perhaps somebody who's as tight-ass on such things as yourself (not saying you are, of course.) Like everyone, you deserve an honest relationship. I am sorry to hear that your trust was jeopardized. Trust is a hard thing to repair. I would understand if you were unable to go there again. But nothing you have said makes me believe that you can't move beyond this and repair the damage. You have to find a way to forgive and forget. Forgive AND forget. .
Well, I wouldn't be so concerned he might leave you bc he might really be gay. That's just me. I'd be concerned about the LYING. I just couldn't deal. I feel for you having to deal with such a tough and complicated situation. Wishing you peace in this!
What exactly is the question? Whether he's gay/bi, or whether you should get back with him? If you don't know and he doesn't know his sexuality, I don't think any of us could tell you either. I'd surprised if he is completely straight (very few people who claim to be "100% straight" actually are, just like no honest man uses the word "legit"), but eitherway it's obviously something he's very hung up about. Beyond that, I couldn't really say if he was or wasn't bi/gay. As for whether you should get back with him, I don't know, it sounds like this would bother you. Personally I'd be more bothered by him being a compulsive liar than hi sexuality. I've met compulsive liars, and they really aren't fun.
well, you know, he may prefer females but isn't averse to convenience sex. i don't know know what that means within terminology, seems to me that there's such a huge range of variations that terminology is often useless. but lying, i typically don't tolerate.
some men will just take whatever they can get. I don't think he is gay or even bi,but definitely not someone i would want to be with. he has lied to you again and again, just keep him out of your life.
I would focus more on the lies he has told you and less on his sexuality. The lies are what will affect the two of you most not what he has done with other people. Good luck and good vibes are being sent your way to help you through this.
okay sorry to get off topic. Your situation sucks and I feel for you. I am engaged and very in love and if that happened.... well I'd feel as if I was blown to peices with a hundred sided knife in my heart. But this is not something I have dealt with and cannot give you advice. But I must know. How do you please a guy's butt(being female)? Just stick it in or is there a technique? I'm really curious. And is it gross? Is there poop in the butt? I'm sorry. I had to ask. I hope all works out. And if it doesn't it isn't the end of the world. Only feels like it. All my love.
Sounds like he is easily manipulated. Be strong, you will have to play both roles. which is fine. Just remember to always be in controll of this relationship make sure he knows it.
