I'm not quite sure where to put this but thought perhaps here since there seems to be a kind of obstruction in the way I love people. When I find myself with a compatible person I have a habit of feeling extremely restless, suffocated. I need to spend weekends away regularly to recooperate. - just time away to spend with myself. I also start to find things I CAN'T STAND about the person I'm with. And there's always something. Worst is sometimes when they don't stimulate me mentally.. I like discussing and debating things, and listening and learning also. I'm not fixed on finding someone either and am fine the way I am. I'm just curious if others feel/have felt the same way.
I have only felt this way STONRGLY with someone I wasn't meant to be with. But I always need time alone no matter what relationship I'm in. And that's okay...you gotta be your own person too. However it sounds like this is more than just needing your own space...perhaps you are actually not being with the "right" people (smart, interesting, stimulating enough), or perhaps you're being too judgemental of the people you're with...they're not perfect, and not there just for your entertainment. Maybe it's both. You could try a combination of ~ trying to actively seek more interesting people ~working on making your own life really interesting (having lots of hobbies and friends) so you don't feel you need others to stimulate you ~ practicing non-judgement...just letting other people be who they are and try not to judge yourself, neither you're a human bean too! PS If you REALLY want someone interesting...date a philosopher. SERIOUSLY. (a message from the philosopher's-protection-and-promotion-group).
Thanks, Toenail. I have a philosopher friend and I don't think we get on very well. I have some background knowledge with philosophers and theorists but they don't interest me. If he is able to apply plato, macchiavelli, marxism, ovid or other traditional philosop. discourse to issues going on in the 21st century, then perhaps. I'm very interested in politics today (and past) and post-colonial literature, decolonization and multiple identities (not as a psychological illness but as a byproduct of all human experience). I'm SICK of talking about what I had for breakfast or how the rain looks outside. And abortion rights? UN hypocrisy? war? racism? capitalism? Right now I just feel so fucking stunted and frustrated, regarding past relationships. It's not just talking about it but what can be done to improve things. You're very right about the judgemental. I'm incredibly judgemental but the world would get nowhere without judgement, left right and center. I also have zero tolerance for beating around the bush arguments and ridiculous coffee-table banter. HELP.
I'm interested that you say the world would get nowhere without judgement... I agree in some ways, in that 'judgement' is needed for making decicions. It's needed for saying "this is unfair!" and doing something about it. And in essence, the judgement of people as 'boring', 'unintelligent', etc...seems to be just like this. But is it? When we judge, maybe it's not the judging itself that is key - but rather the motivation and paradigm behind it. So I can say, for example, "discrimination is unfair" - which sounds like a judgement. But what's really behind that is the positive, caring understanding that "all persons have a right to be treated well, regardless of race, gender, religion..etc etc". It's a statement from love. Whereas a judgement that "Bob is boring" comes from the opposite viewpoint...that Bob is someone who is lesser than me, because of his horrible boringness. That is not to say I want to spend time with Bob...why would I if we have nothing in common? But the basis of how I judge him can turn a whole worldview. It can turn Bob is boring! Why is everyone so boring? into Bob is a person who just like me deserves love and respect. However, we don't have much in common so while I'll treat him well, I don't think we're compatible for a relationship. Then the judgement goes from "boring" to "non-compatibility". It works from within the framework that all people are equal...and recognises your part in why something does not work. Also...is it possible that the reason you don't like coffee-table banter is because it seems to be all you're getting? I can sympathise with this one. I can get bored pretty quickly sitting in a group of giggling girls talking about how "hot" so-and-so's new boyfriend is, or how "cute" such-and-such's clothes are. On the other hand...when I'm hanging out with good, stimulating friends...it doesn't seem to bother me that much. One friend, M, I can be discussing philosophy and language with for a few hours...but then we'll end up talking about Harry Potter, or anime, or even more mundane things like what coffee tastes the best. Another friend, A, we can talk about alternate dimensions and dream-walking and magic...and then get onto the computer games we're playing, or people we know. But the conversation progresses...it jumps about and when we talk about the more 'mundane' stuff, it's when we need a break from the 'other' stuff. It's more than that even! It's the recognition that life can't be reduced to just hair-raising adventure and deep insight...it's a complex tapestry woven with many different threads. Each has their place...but it sounds like you've had too much of one, and not enough of the other. Don't dismiss the little parts of life though - but see them for what they are, little parts. I can get really excited about things that aren't 'huge' - like going shopping for new clothes (actually, going shopping for just about anything 'cause I'm a poor uni student and hardly ever have spare money!), just hanging out with friends and drinking coffee, reading, computer games, Christmas celebrations - BECAUSE I have the deeper stuff there. If there wasn't something deeper I think I would be bored as well - it would all seem rather fake. But for me, the deeper lends meaning to the surface - and shows me the interconnexion of it all as oneness. Here's an exercise you can try, if you like. I'm not sure if you're in the space to do it right now - up to you. The exercise is to pick a period of time (one day perhaps) where you practice "non-judgement". On that day, you don't judge, you observe and be positive. That's for yourself and others. So on the day, when you feel the thought creeping into your head "this person is so boring", replace it with "this person and I are obviously interested by different things". This isn't in a derogatory way, but in recognition that what they are interested in does matter TO THEM, and it isn't up to you to look down on that - but rather understand it. But you practice not judgeing yourself, either. So don't beat yourself up that you were judgemental - just observe the feeling - and let it go. Understand that they have their world of what matters to them - and you have yours. And neither is better or worse than the other. Also see that you are human too and will be angry and upset (at first, until you work through it). Lastly, once you acknowledge your ownership of (at least some of) the problem - you're in a better place to do something about it. Try mixing with different people - actively seek out different friends. Get into hobbies and interests you like. Intentionally create your lived life. It's yours (no-one elses') to do something - anything! - with. Enjoy it!
I think that you haven't find the right one yet. I was just like you untill i met my boyfriend. Relax...
Toenail, Thank you for the insight. I will do that exercise because you recommended it. You've discussed "boring" as something negative, and assumed that I am a negative person - this is a misunderstanding. I am plainly tired of people who are indifferent to, and happy with the world they live in despite what is going on right now. I have already had the discussion on "judgement" with several other people. You are correct - there are positive and negative ways of "judging". However, at this point, the negative far outweighs the positive (this does not mean I'm not acknowledging the positive). You have also misunderstood my not liking coffee-table banter, and assuming that I completely overlook the small things in life. I love shopping, I love giving spontaneous gifts to people, going out of my way to help others, doing things for myself, and I AM willing to engage in small talk if it eases a situation. HOWEVER, there is only so much I can take. Which brings me to your shot in the dark that happens to be accurate. It is true that I do not have enough friends I can share another side of me with. I have a friend who has called me a best friend for nearly 4 years and we have shared a lot with each other and had lots of fun. We lived together for 3 years and since I have moved out on my own, our friendship has not only stagnated but begun to degenerate. I cannot stand her behaviour, her arrogance, her ignorance and her laziness. I will never understand the appeal of burying myself in "Facebook" (that online site) for hours on end while at the same time being so completely self-absorbed with NO clue whatsoever about what's going on in the news (local or international). I have another friend I have known for about 18 years. We meet up when we both have the time. When I ask her about something I'd like to verify (she comes from a different country and visits regularly) in politics, she looks at me blankly and resumes some story about her friend's boyfriend. Then I have the total opposite - a friend who is abreast of most news and ongoings but deliberately IGNORES it and refuses to talk about it. Why? Why won't he share his views on abortion rights? Why, for someone his age (60s), doesn't he know more about the UN? Why can't we discuss things that are causing pain to hundreds of thousands, instead of talking about the ridiculous rain outside? It is absolutely true that the types of friends I outlined above make up the majority of those I know rather than the minority, and it sickens me. It is worse, as you pointed out, since I have only 1 other friend I can think of who is not like the above descriptions. I also realize this isn't necessarily a "relationship problem" so thanks for the comment, Marija, but your assumption that I somehow need a "right one" to feel better is inaccurate. Rather, what I probably need is to speak to the right people, and knowing myself, I would rather not invest myself in a "right one" (boyfriend) only to find out he is 1) a flake or 2) incapacitated of any ability to talk about issues other than inane drivel. Great tip about searching out new groups. The only reason why that has taken a backseat as of late (past 4 months) is because I've been incredibly busy. Though I think you'd be glad to know that I've got plans to have coffee with that exceptional friend I was speaking about two paragraphs above. I'll be really honest. I don't care for nuts about thinking "positively" where positive thinking is not due. I am also not obligated to NOT judge, and I will keep doing it because I do know what I want and what I don't want. Thanks for your insights you both, but I would say there was just as much negative judgement about my personality coming from you as I seem to have about others. Nevertheless, thank you for the response.
