I need help

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Wow....ok...I could have been you !!!
You need to decide how important your personal needs are....can they wait till the kids are grown....what will your husband say ...can you be happy if you continue as you are. Sometimes people think they are gay...but when they actually have a sexual encounter..they find out it was all fantasy !!

 

Maybe I'm wrong, I doubt it but maybe. But how will I ever know? My hubby dosn't share, he just can't deal. He once saw someone I had dated before and wanted to move out of town.

 

I was pregnant with my first baby at 21, so I never had the chance to really figure out who I was. And now that the storm is over I am really scared of what is coming to light

 

OUCH !!!.....yea...I know people like that....ok..when you were younger...did you ever have any encounters at all with other girls ??

 

yes I did, the first time was when I was like 10. I mean, I wasn't kissing tha boys on tha playground ya know.Theres one girl who I messed around with before my hubby and I were together, about 6 years ago, I see her all the time and there is so much sexuall tension between us. I mean you could cut it with a knife.

 

Ok...actually thats a good thing....so you know its a real attraction..and not just something you think you would want to try.
So....do you think you can play it straight the rest of your life..?

 

I would be sacraficing my needs and wants. I know that it would show in someway most likely resentment.I don't know. I just don't know.I feel like now that I have finally figured out the missing piece of the puzzel, I have to hide it. I just don't want to destroy my boys lives.

 

Yes....I totally understand that....havr you ever sat down with your husband ang got his thoughts on gay chicks....some guys acceptt them a lot easier than gay guys....and some husband can deal with that aspect in their wives better than they could her showing an interest in another guy.

 

we have talked lightly about it, he's not giving in. So, If I may be so forward, your married to a man right?

 

Yes....26 years....and 4 kids...and 5 grandbabies....but ..I was fortunate...my partner knew about the girls because he and I were beast friends for years before we hooked up to have kids.

 

~silent~serenity~,
Darling, you made a commitment when you got married. You married a man and you had children together, for gosh sakes. Now, you think that was the wrong decision for you and that your needs haven't' been met. Fine. You ponder, "why I should be the least important person in my life." Well, you are because you chose to be. When you married and had children then you, yourself, became second to you and your partnerships with your husband and your kids. That's the way it works. Being bi or gay or lesbian is no excuse to cop out of it. The opposite is called "being single."

Sure, people do leave a marriage because it "doesn't work out", that's called divorce. And you still have a responsibility to your children when you divorce. But the reason you divorce doesn't matter. You made a commitment. Now you want to break it. Because he is cheating, because he didn't fulfill his promises because you're a dyke. It's all the same. No special exemptions.

The reason for divorce doesn't make your responsibility any less. Divorce him. Raise the kids, or see the kids and look for the woman that will make you happy. No more drama than that is necessary

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okay hipunk, your response was really confusing.

 

i think u could find a bisexual women who would like to have a group acasionally and maybe finally u could set a swedish family (3-ppl) so u wouldn't have to split up with your husband... well, if your husband is fine with it...

 

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Sorry for the confusion. I guess I was commenting on the responses more than the original question. Let me clarify.

Not uncommon for people to get married and have kids but find out that the relationship is not working. The reasons for a marriage not working are various, of course. When one of the partners finds out that they are gay, that is one reason relationships change. I just wanted to caution that just because you are gay or lesbian, that doesn't preclude you from your responsibility to your spouse or to your children. So you could be unhappy with the relationship because the sex is lousy or non existent. You could be unhappy because your spouse has turned into a slob who never baths. Or, like ~silent~serenity~, you could be unhappy because you realize you really don't like dick after all.

I just wanted to put it into perspective. Some people want to end a relationship because the spouse is a dick others just because he has one. The reason is pretty much moot, when deciding what your responsibility is.

Now what you do with that information is up to you. If the husband is a dick, you could try counseling. If he has a dick there may be fewer options, short of a sex change.

I would suggest being open with your partner and find out what he wants.

And I would suggest that you be honest about your responsibility to raising your kids.

There may be many more options available other than living in the closet or sneaking around or abandoning your family. People have been in this situation before. I know of one man who came out to his wife. They stayed married, separate bedrooms, raised their kids and he had a lover who lived alone but he would visit often. They continue to love each other, just not like a married couple.

"we have talked lightly about it, he's not giving in."
It is not unusual for a married partner to feel resentful and cheated when their spouse comes out of the closet. I can understand why he wouldn't want to "give in." But I don't know what he would be giving in to.

You have to realize that you are the one who has changed. Your husband doesn't have to like that change and I don't blame him if he doesn't like it. I doubt that he married you thinking you would leave him for somebody else woman or otherwise.

The desition to marry a man may not have been the best one to make, you 're realizing that now. But you did say "I do." Now that things have changed and you are about to engage in a different stage of your life, you have to realize that the transition may not go the way you want it to. And if you no longer wish to be married, your husband has to look out for his own best interests, too.

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I absolutly agree that I made a commitment and that needs to be honored. I can't be responsible for breaking up my family. I just won't do it. My kids are the most important people in my life. I just don't know how to completly put my own needs aside and suffer silently. It's just awfull.

 

Yes, you made a commitment, but you need to have a happy life too. You're young, and have youre whole life ahead of you. You said that you had your first child when you were 21, and now youre 26, so I assume theyre young children. Not saying go ahead and tell them, but if you decide to do it, better sooner than later. Kids are a lot more open these days, especially to their parents. Good luck with everything.

Shawn

 

You don't have to completly put your own needs aside. But putting your own needs aside is something that families do all the time. My father was approached by Brunswick, they wanted to sponsor him professionally. He had just won an MG sports car. But competing on the road in bowling tournaments wasn't a garnered thing and he had 6 kids to feed, he said no. And he sold the car and bought us all new shoes. But he did bowl on three different leagues. You see, he didn't completely give up his life.

You seem to be drawing this in black and white terms. On one hand your husband isn't "giving in." I can only guess what that means. On the other hand your happiness is completely doomed and you're forced to suffer. It just can't be that way. Nothing is black and white.

I, or anyone else, can't negotiate your relationship with your husband for you. You have many hard choices to make, and I'm sorry to say that.

I don't know what your situation is. If you want my permission to cheat on your husband and lie to your kids and sneak around with the local librarian -I say go for it. Find out if that works. But I wouldn't encourage it. Living a lie has a way of coming back and biting you in the ass.

If your're fixing on running away to San Francisco and leaving your family to wonder what they did to piss mommy off -I can't condone that.

I would suggest talking to your husband, honestly.
I would suggest that you think about a separation and perhaps divorce from your husband.
I would suggest you seek a professional counselor who might help you make your decisions.

Like I said, these aren't easy decisions and you may have to give up part of your life for a while, at least until the dust settles.

Or, like you said, you can do nothing and suffer along, that is until you crack up. There may be other options and I hope that you find the path that works for you.
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I don't think that being miserable for life is necessary. I really am not sure what I would do, but I might try to see if being with a woman is really what I want. I feel for you, though, and wish you the best.

 

I have a friend who is bi. She's married and has a young daughter. Her husband knows she likes the ladies and they now have somewhat of an open relationship. Maybe that could be an option? It's not cheating if your hubby agrees to it, is it?

-WR