Family Obligation or Choice?

Here is all that I have to determin if I move down there. Where will my husband get work? I can not rent out our house or sell it for 3 years and we are required to live there per the loan/morgate agreement. So how will we make the $800 house payment a month. We have the car payment, insurance , and several other bills I will have to still handle from where I live now. That I could do by opening an account where Granny lives and transfering money here. But the big question in how to handle $1,800 worth of bill's a month when I will have to take a huge cut in pay and since the hubby would have to find work where granny live he would have to take a pay cut with the diference in the ecconomy in the two places. Now I know that we would only have the bill up here and food and fuel personal purchases down there. But two pay cuts would not even out the bills up here.
I do know that as family members IL or not she deserves care and the best of it as I said before I would let her move here and live with us matter a fact I refurnished our spair room in july when her license was revoked and told her she could come stay with us she turned me down said she wanted to stay in the Ozarks. If she would move here I could have a in home health aid come in while I was at work and Icould do her care at night. But here or there bottom line is the ILs would blame me if something happends to her. I do not want that blame. Not all of them would blame me but one of the ones that will scares the living hell out of me that woman would eat me alive, she won't go down and care for Granny because she has two kids one of which is a baby with downs syndrome. So she can't.
Then there is my family I have elderly granparents that rely on us up here they live on their own but I still assist them with things on a regulas basis. My parants are also seniors that require our help on a regular basis. Then you have his grandparents that we go over and help on a regular basis. Oh then there is my sister with the 4 boys I always fix her emergencies weather it is money or other wish. So if I move I am helping great grandma out a lot but wouldn't I be desserting evryone else? That is the toughest part. My parents and grandparent freaked when I mentioned it they were like what about you health problem what options do you have for your medical care. Then what about D's specialist for his stomach (his stomach is mostly paralized).
So there is just so much to take in. Do I want to be her care giver if I could be here in a heart beat to pick up and move not so much.
I know I probably sound like a horrible person to you all but I feel I am just as needed here. I am always the one here to help out with most anything.:banghead: I am really begining to feel all of the stress for this situation because regardless of the choice I make I will be letting people down.

(Now oldwolf I know you are going to say I let them walk all over me but I don't always see it that way as much as I see it as they are my family and need me. But feel free to fire away on me because that is why I came here was for advice and insight. )

 

Honestly, you need to say no to unrooting yourself and moving in with her to take care of her.

Make sure she knows she can still move in with you guys if you want.
She could hire another caretaker, even if it's only for while one of her family members is at work and those other members in the area at least rotate taking care of her. It's not solely your responsibility, it's not your job to change your whole life for this one woman, not when you're doing so much good where you are.

 

Thanks for you advice. I am going to talk it over with D this weekend abd try to get him to see it as you have. I have been feeling really down about this whole thing. He is really torn also. But I guess if I lay it all out for him maybe he will see it as you have.

 

Relic,

I apologize if it sounded like I was trying to put you down in any way. I was not.
Those inside the co-dependency and abusive relationships usually have to have it pointed out to them by someone outside - I know I did. It's not easy to See or believe - it's only after we step a bit outside of ourselves and look that we can See it at all.

The only person who you have to make happy with your Self is you. For most are part of the program that manipulates and guilts and judges and points fingers and who will always try to find those they can look down on - because they cannot be happy with their own Self. They may be selfrighteous but not happy.
You ever See someone truly happy -? - Notice that they are not out there judging others.

As I ended up girl - this Is Your life - you are the one who will either feel you have done right by what you have done with it or not - no matter how anyone else feels; when you leave it's not how they feel about it - it's how you do.


To you own Self Be true - means that we source from the original I Am, We are all part of the Greater Whole, we have a part to play that is ours - we can Know it - but we must learn to be Still; - stop hearing the judgements, the comparisons, the guilts - stop and revently Listen. For we are children of God and the godhood does abide in each and everyone of us - we Need to be true to it.

Blessings and energy sent your Way, yours to use or not - oftimes synchronicity will point the Way.

Lovin you,

Namaste (my spirit bows to your spirit)

 

Oldwolf no put down takin in what you tell me that is not what I ment when I said tlet me have it. You have made me look at thing like what about me how is this going to make me feel or affect me which i tend not to do. Like with the post we talked on a while back you made me realize hubby didn't need his way on the christmas tree thing that it was ok to do what I wanted. Thank you for your blessings and energy .{{{{{hugs}}}}}

 

I don't think that you should be "required" to care for her. It sounds like a cycle of co-dependence. Your DH's granny is an adult. You and your DH are adults. It seems to me that the entire family is laying a guilt trip on you to manipulate you into doing something that is NOT in your family's best intrest. You have needs, your life is important, your family can't just expect you to uproot yourself when THEY live close to her, and could easily provide any needed care. It isin't fair to expect that of you....weather your family member is elderly or not. It is OK to put YOUR immediate family's(DH/YOU/KIDS/PETS) needs first. If quitting your jobs, uprooting your lives, and having the very real possibility of loosing your home (if you can't find a job that will allow you to afford the payments exc), and putting your selves through financial hardship just to accomidate your family is something they want to force on you because they are too selfish or lazy to provide her care when THEY live close by....then they are the "wrong" ones and not you for refusing to do so.

That being said if you NEED to care for her it is perfectly acceptable for her to come to you. You don't have to force your self through hardships for her convience. It is not like it is a life or death issue. She will be just fine moving into your house. If she wants to stay in her town...fine....hire someone else....or move into a elderly facility...but you shouldn't be guilted into moving your lives when she will be just fine with out you...or she could move her life much easier.

 

Here's what I'd do, in your shoes. I would stay with Granny half the time (in her home), and have a live-in health care person there the other half of the time, or at least for the days she has the most need of someone to take her around places. That way you still have your own home, the income, and your personal space and time away for three days out of every week.

 

She lives 2 1/2 hours away so going down there is really tough because we hardly make it one are checks as it is. I did tell my dh that we need to go down more often. Granny's sone wants to stay downthere and wishes he could but his wife hates her mother-in-law so she refuses to go down for good her excuse she hates it down there. mylnn has a good point it isn't right for me and the dh to have to risk our finacial reponsibility. I think he is going to have to face the fact the we can't do this. Even though it hurts me to have to realize that the answer is not to uproot our life because we are needed here to. As oldwolf says I have to be true to myself.

 

Druminmama, you seem to understand this well. This about says it all

wise wise wise wise mama. Yes, I don't see why Relic and her dh will have to move to a place where neither of them can get work, just so someone can die in a certain BUILDING. A house is just bricks and mortar.

Boogie, we usually agree on things, but, with a few exceptions, I do not do well with elderly relatives. My mother is what is probably called "elderly" (she's 69) and is a major pain in the ass, my dh's grandma was a pain, my MIL is in great danger of becoming one,(although she may beat the odds, I am praying she will, for her sake as well as ours) now that her dh is dead (HE was a major piece of work, lemme tell you) in fact, about everyone I know, with a few exceptions, over the age of 65, drives me nuts. I think maybe it's living in the midwest, the whole Status Quo or die "I have obligations to do things I don't want to (and so should you.") thing that drives me nuts. Also the "I don't want to leave my house" thing is insane. SO WHAT? It's just a freakin house. I've lived in more than a dozen places in my life, a house is a place to put your stuff. I don't understand the attachment.I've lived in a single room, I've lived in a 10 room, classic "hippy house" either or any inbetween willl do. Makes no difference. My major attachments are to people not buildings. If they want to be taken care of, they should take what they can get. Otherwise, there is state run homes. Wish I had better elderly role models, but I don't see just surviving your spouse as a qualification of giving one a superior status in life. *sigh* Maybe it's someting I need to work on. Boogie, think of your mom as 69 years old, and "requiring" help all the time, you'll see where my prejudice comes from. I thank God every day my dad married a womyn only 9 years older than me, and way younger than him. (She'll HAVE TO outlive him, Halleluiah!) Again, your milage may vary.

 

Exactly my thoughts, Maggie. I'm glad to see I'm not alone here. I was starting to feel like a mean ol' bitch. Or mean young bitch? Either way...

 

Hey all it is me well on the way home Friday night th dh and I were talking. we had just got done helping alll of but about 5 pf our local relatives with something or another. It was going on about 1a.m. and he turned to me and said as much as I want us to it is just not going to be feasable for us to go live down at Great Grandma's is it? I just looked at him with as much of and understanding smile as I could give and tol him no honey it is not we are needed to much here. So given enough time he figured out that we just could not do it. I am just glad I didn't have to look like a bitch for saying no. I just wish I hadn't had to spend the last two weeks stressing over itso much. Thank you all for your advice and insight.

 

I am glad it worked out.

Saying "No" to something you don't want to do doesn't make you a "bitch." It only makes you your own womyn, and a strong one at that. NO is one of the best words in the English language. I wish people would use it more often without fear.

When I learned HOW to say "No" it transformed my life. Practice makes perfect. I no longer feel "obligated" to do things that aren't neccessary. Say NO to things you want to. It makes you strong.

 

Maggie Sugar , you have a good point. I just hope I don't fall back it tthe same habbit of bending to what evryone else wants all the time again. It is easy for me to do because I want to help people and make them happy and I tend to put myself on the back burner. Been that way most of my life.

 

I am pretty sure you are right on that mama.